- Our guests tonight
are two of the eight funniest people in the world. They have a
friendship that spans over 30 years and a
new comedy special called "An Evening
You Will Forget for the Rest of Your Life." Let me just say, Steve,
truthfully, what an honor it is for me to be
standing next to a man who is a novelist, a playwright,
a musician, a composer, and a legendary comedian. And let me say
what an honor it is for me to be standing
next to the man who is standing next to that man. [LAUGHTER] You know, Steve,
of all the people that I have a fake show
business relationship with, I feel fake closest to you.
- Ah, buddy. [APPLAUSE] [LAUGHTER] "An Evening You Will Forget
for the Rest of Your Life" is on Netflix, and
you can see them live June 29 in Sacramento,
July 1 in Las Vegas, and July 6 in Bend, Oregon. Please welcome, the
the two and only Steve Martin and Martin Short. [APPLAUSE] [MUSIC PLAYING] Thank you. Yeah, yeah, he's sitting. [INAUDIBLE] you're here. I don't know. Thank you. Welcome. [CHEERING] Wow. Look at this. [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] [LAUGHS] [INAUDIBLE] Oh. You've-- you've heard
of a standing O. Yes. It was a standing M. They
were sort of up and then down over there. [LAUGHTER] Well, it's very, very,
very, very exciting and a great honor to
have both of you here. It really is. [APPLAUSE] I really look forward
to letting you down. [LAUGHTER] Marty, you've been here-- how
many times have you been here? I have been here, I
don't know, 15 maybe. 15 times? Steve, this is your first visit. My first time, and I'm-- I tell you-- [APPLAUSE] I'm excited to be on the
show because I didn't even know you had a show. [LAUGHTER] I come out. And there you are. I'm excited. And let me say something. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes,
go ahead, Marty. [LAUGHTER] No, really, you
look fantastic. JIMMY KIMMEL: Thank you so much. No, you really do. That Just For Men beard dye-- I didn't know it
came in that color. [LAUGHTER] Well, you know, by the
way, since we're talking about manscaping, I
have a new technique for trimming my nose hairs. JIMMY KIMMEL: What is it? I just take a deep
whiff of Marty's cologne. [LAUGHTER] Speaking of which, someone
got Febreze for Father's Day. [LAUGHTER] No, but you look really--
you-- you have the sex appeal of a middle-aged Rudy Giuliani. [LAUGHTER] I will take that
as great compliment. Because the last time
I was here you looked-- you were disheveled.
JIMMY KIMMEL: I was, really? Oh my god. You smiled, and a hunk
of makeup fell off. [INAUDIBLE]
[LAUGHTER] That wasn't makeup. It was leprosy. No, no, two of the queer
guys looked like they had just stormed out in mid-- mid-revival. JIMMY KIMMEL: The queer guys? What queer guys? "Queer Eye."
JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh, with the eyes. "Queer Eye." JIMMY KIMMEL: "Queer
Eye" guys, yeah. They're not the queer guys. [LAUGHTER] I abbreviate. The "Queer Eye" guys. He's from Canada. He doesn't know
how it all works. Yeah. But thank you for
offending half the nation. [INAUDIBLE] So-- But I think Jimmy is
quite a handsome man. And I mean that
because, you know, you have a good look and also
these wonderful childbearing hips.
[LAUGHTER] You know, I've always
wanted to meet you. You, not as much, but I was
also excited to meet you. But Steve, we met for the first
time in October, I believe. Yes.
JIMMY KIMMEL: At the-- (LOUDLY) Jimmy was saying that
he met you for the first time in October. [LAUGHTER] Do you remember meeting him? Yes, I do have a good time. [LAUGHTER] And we met in October-- I remember. --at the Mark Twain Prize. The Mark Twain
for David Letterman. David Letterman, that's right. We all honored David Letterman,
and it was a great night. And I was very
excited to be there. And I had been there the year
before honoring Bill Murray. - Wow.
- Thanks. - Yeah.
- So-- [LAUGHTER]
- What a life you've led. [LAUGHTER] But I learned that night. I learned that after the show
was over, around 9 o'clock, there was nothing to do. It was like Sunday
night in Washington, DC. And there was nothing to
do, so this time I thought-- Does this go on? JIMMY KIMMEL: It
goes on for a while. [LAUGHTER] You're in the story.
- I'm in the story? Yeah, you're in the story. [LAUGHS] So I thought,
here's what I'll do. I'll rent a room at a bar. There was a bar called
Madame Morgan's. I'll rent a private room. And then maybe, just maybe,
Martin Short and Steve Martin-- I knew Dave wasn't coming. But-- I was excited to
go to that party because I thought that's
what I'm looking for, a nice quiet, little place
to hang out after the show. JIMMY KIMMEL: Right. Bill Murray was with us. - We were in the car.
- Right. It was Bill Murray, you
and your wife, Ann, my wife, Molly, and another friend. And we're driving to the
event, and the phone rings. Do you remember what happened? Well, first of all let me just
say the phone rang because Tom Hanks was also in Washington,
not doing the Mark Twain, but he was happening
in Washington. And we had spoken. And I said, hey, Jimmy
is having a big party. Why don't you go to it? Hey, next time you
mind running that by me? Because I-- [LAUGHTER] No, you'd like him.
You'd like him. [LAUGHTER] Tom Hank. A lot of people use the
S, but not hip ones. And so anyway he had-- so he
had gotten to the party early. And he phoned me and
said, this is the worst, loudest, stupidest place. - I'm on the phone.
- No, no, not yet. Oh. He's saying to me,
this is the stupid-- it's so loud. It's horrible. I stayed there one
minute, and I ran out. And I said, well, why don't you
go back to the Four Seasons, go to the bar. I'll phone Steve. Steve will hate that too. So then I phoned Steve. And so I'm in the car. And I put it on speaker. JIMMY KIMMEL: Yes. And I hear Marty say-- Don't go to that party! It's the worst. Evidently it's the loudest,
worst place you could ever be. Jimmy's 2 feet from me. [LAUGHTER] I didn't know. And I say, Jimmy,
he-- he knows. [LAUGHTER] He knows you're in the
car-- it's so funny. [LAUGHTER] And Jimmy went, no, he doesn't He doesn't know. [LAUGHTER]
- Yeah. Yeah. That was-- and then you
got-- you went back, and you went to-- Marty ruined my party. And I'll tell you--
- And we had a much-- No, I think you
ruined your party. [LAUGHTER] Afterwards I was
planning to get revenge. You had Flo and
Rob Kardashian. We had, you know, Eddie Vedder. [LAUGHTER] You did have Eddie Vedder.
But I was planning-- Gee, I knew what you
guys were talking about. [LAUGHTER] You know, I don't know
if you're invited to it, but Marty has a Christmas
party each year. - Yes.
- Yes. So I was planning to
hold a special VIP party. I was going to set up a
tent in Marty's backyard and invite everyone
to that tent, except for Marty in
his own backyard. And me. No, you would have
been invited to it. You were an innocent
victim in all this. Well, I turned
down the party too. All right, you're not
invited next year either. Anyway, Marty canceled
his Christmas party, and my plan was for naught. But anyway, it was-- By the way, are you
throwing any other parties that we don't want to go to? [LAUGHTER] By the way, I saw
the Ted Cruz thing. And I thought it
was interesting. First, you raised so
much money for charity. So that makes you two good guys. [CHEERING] I think-- I think actually
that Ted Cruz really likes you because I noticed that every
time he would look at you, he would wag his tail. [LAUGHTER] But I-- yeah, it was
quite an outcome, though. You must admit it was-- I mean, even Donald Trump
and Stormy Daniels said, well, now that's a spanking. [LAUGHTER] Now, first I want
to say, by the way, I love the Netflix special.
- Thank you. I think is
absolutely fantastic. And you guys, you're
doing this tour. You're on the road together.
- Yes. I'll tell you one thing that's
great about the Netflix special is it means that
people who used to come to our show to
masturbate to it live can now do it at home private. [LAUGHTER] - That's better, for sure.
- Yeah. Isn't that elegant? And Marty, what is it
like traveling with Steve? Is he always creative? Is he always coming
up with great stuff? No. [LAUGHTER] Our keyboard
player, Jeff Babko, is your musical director. Yes! We love Jeffrey. [APPLAUSE] I'll tell you something. It's a very interesting
show because I was born here in America, and Marty was
born in America's sworn enemy, Canada. [LAUGHTER] It's true. But you know, we do have the
greatest time imaginable. It is so much fun. And Jeff Babko kills
it every night, as do the Steep Canyon Rangers. And, yeah, I love hearing
the music and the singing and all that stuff. But you now are spending
more time in New York. Is that to get away
from Marty here or not? No. No, I am in New York
more because I have a child who goes to school. And it was an option. [LAUGHTER] And you know, I went to the-- I had to get a new doctor. So I went to a new doctor. And they have to
take out all the-- take down all the
new information. So the nurse is there. It's a female nurse in
this case asking me-- you know, she's
asking me questions. She says, how old are you? And I thought, first
of all, she doesn't have to know how old I am. So I said I'm 52. And she said, oh, OK. Good. And she said, so
I suppose you're here to see the doctor about
the extra 20 years on your face? [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] JIMMY KIMMEL: That's
New York for you. No, this is--
but you know what? JIMMY KIMMEL: What, Marty? You know, she's going from
because you are extremely, almost this close to a
corpse as far as being pale. [LAUGHTER] No, the SPF on his
sunscreen is infinity. I mean, that's-- [LAUGHTER] You make-- you make Mike
Pence look like a character in "Black Panther." [LAUGHTER] I got to be honest. You know, I never got Marty's
humor because, you know, I'm a reader. [LAUGHTER] But I have to compliment you
because this is interesting. Did you know that Marty's
movie "Santa Claus 3" has been streamed, downloaded,
over 100 million times. JIMMY KIMMEL: I
did not know that. Yeah, because-- because
the CIA uses it for torture. [LAUGHTER] I have a question for you. You do something I don't,
which you do impressions. What is that? [LAUGHS] [AUDIENCE LAUGHING] You know what? Am I being punked? [LAUGHTER] No, I'm fine. - Yeah.
- Don't worry about the back. I'll just-- Don't lean back. And you know, Marty-- [LAUGHTER] The thing that you are
always trying to do-- [LAUGHS] are you
going to calm down? - I am.
- Yeah. That is Steve Martin
and Martin Short, "An Evening You Will Forget
for the Rest of Your Life," on Netflix now. Is that something-- We love doing this show more
than anything because this is what we do, we travel around. We do-- you know what it is? It's like marital sex, in
that we do old material three times a month. [LAUGHTER] I'll tell you what
I love about that. That was an honest clip, where
Marty's chair back fell out. JIMMY KIMMEL: That
was not planned? No, it was not planned. And the reason I
was laughing so hard is because I knew
that when he was back and the back had fallen
off and his leg's just sitting up there, that
he's holding for the laugh. [LAUGHTER] Of course, I'm no fool. That's what made me laugh. - Like an Olympic diver midair.
- Yeah. I'll tell you what. I think I'm going to paraphrase
Mel Brooks because he said, and I'm just
paraphrasing, tragedy is when you sit on your
chair, and you lean back and the back breaks, and you
fall, and you hurt yourself. And comedy is when it
happens to your friend. [LAUGHTER] [APPLAUSE] I'm going to mention
this because it's something that I
feel like I would really love to be a part of. And I don't know if
it's possible at all. But I know that you-- you guys and Tom Hanks
and one other friend, you get together every other
year for a colonoscopy party. Yes, we do. - Is that true?
- Yes. There's-- there's
the Christmas party. Then there's a
colonoscopy party. That is true. And because we
thought, you know, it's, you know, everybody at
our age, not your audience and certainly not anyone
here in this studio, but at a certain age you
want to get a colonoscopy. I think it's after 50, right? - After 50, yes.
- Yeah, and-- 45, actually, now. Yeah, they just
change it to 45. Oh, I'm so glad
you're a scientist. I am a bit of a scientist.
[LAUGHTER] No, no, no, this is a
public service, Steve. It's got to be more
than just yourself. OK. So anyway, and we thought
it would be easier if we-- it was all men.
You know, we celebrated-- Yeah, that's better
if it's all men. [LAUGHTER] [INAUDIBLE] colonoscopy party. [SEXY PURR] [LAUGHTER] Hey, you want to come
to my colonoscopy party? [LAUGHTER] It's why you don't get dates. Anyway, and so we all came over. And you have to-- you
know, we played poker, and we watched some funny movie,
and you drink all the stuff, you know. Barium or sodium,
or sodium barium. It's not barium! Yeah. Barium is-- is radioactive. Yeah, that's why it's not a
great thing to get every year. [LAUGHTER]
No, you go over it. We-- we-- we're very excited. We go to Steve's house around
5:00 PM the night before. We call it Colonoscopy
Eve in Canada. [LAUGHTER] And then it-- and it's catered. There's Jell-o. You know, there's
not much you can-- you have to purge all day. And then we toast. And then-- then-- I wanted to make it nice,
you know, so I got candles. [LAUGHTER] And then I realized
they were way too wide, and they should
have been tapered. [LAUGHTER] Yeah, but-- next time
they're for the table. But no, and then what's shocking
is with Steve, you know, he's a wealthy man. Who would think he
would have one bathroom? I mean, that was-- [LAUGHTER] I mean, by 10:00 PM, the
bathroom looks like day 14 of a Carnival Cruise, you know.
[LAUGHTER] I thought-- I thought the bathroom ended up
looking like a Jackson Pollock. [LAUGHTER] Do you travel together
to the colonoscopy? Do you go in the same car? Yeah. Yeah. No, no, we-- we
actually play cards. And whoever loses
goes last of the four. Oh. So, oh-- so it's not
all at the same time. You don't have them
all set up at once. - No.
- No. JIMMY KIMMEL: And then
you drive home together? Do you wait for each other? Hey, I've got a picture of it. JIMMY KIMMEL: Oh. I forgot. But the answer is
no, we went to the Ivy. Yeah, [INAUDIBLE] restaurant. There's-- that's our
friend Walter Parks. And there's-- and
this is obviously before because we're
standing vertical. [LAUGHTER] It's fun. And it's a great way to do
something that you should do. It is a great idea. People should do this. Anyway, what I'm asking
is can I come get a colonoscopy with you guys? Nah. It's kind of like
the four [INAUDIBLE].. [LAUGHTER] You could do it, though. You could do [INAUDIBLE]. It's kind of like
the Mark Twain party that you were trying to throw. Don't go to his party. Yeah.
Yeah. All right, well, I won't
come to that either. Now, you guys, when
you're on the road, do you have the same crew?
Is it the same-- I'll tell you what. --group of people
that you [INAUDIBLE]?? We have obviously, on our
show, we have a lot of fun. I would say that. And we get a lot of people
who want to work, you know, just backstage. They're so important, the people
who work behind the scenes, or as we call them,
the scene behinders. [LAUGHTER] And so we had to
actually work out a job application, a questionnaire. - Oh, really?
- Yeah. That we do [INAUDIBLE].
- Oh yeah, very important. Yeah. Do you guys actually do the
job interviews yourselves? - Oh, we do them together.
- Yes, we do. Yeah, we do them together.
JIMMY KIMMEL: Wow. And we have the questionnaire. That's it right here. We traditionally
alternate questions. JIMMY KIMMEL: So
these are question that if one were to
want to work for the two of you on this tour-- Yes. --they would have
to be answered? OK, so here's an
example, a first question. Are you OK with applying
another man's anti-fungal cream? [LAUGHTER] How attached are
you to your kidney? [LAUGHTER] How attached to
your kidney are you? [LAUGHTER] What do you consider
a lot of money in an out-of-court settlement? [LAUGHTER] Videos of smoking
babies, funny or hilarious? [LAUGHTER] How quickly can you remove
blood from a car trunk? [LAUGHTER] Can you keep me from
tweeting when I'm on Ambien? [LAUGHTER] [CHEERING] That's important. List my movies in order from
favorite to most favorite. [LAUGHTER] Were you able to get
through the royal wedding without crying? If yes, at what
age did you realize that you were a monster? [LAUGHTER] That was a beautiful wedding.
It really-- Was it?
Oh, my god. Oh, Meghan looked
so beautiful. (HIGH VOICE) And how
handsome was Harry? [LAUGHTER] Well, that's great.
Now people have a head start. Do you want to save
this for your next-- Yes. --next comedian? Maybe they can make it
work better than we did. - For our next comedy duo.
- Yes. Well, I can't thank you
guys enough for being here. It really is a thrill.
- Yes, you can. [LAUGHTER] Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. [CHEERING] Steve Martin, Martin Short-- "An Evening You Will Forget
for the Rest of Your Life" is on Netflix. And see them live June 29 in
Sacramento, July 1 in Vegas, and July 6 in Bend, Oregon. Congratulations on making it
to the end of a YouTube video. Why not celebrate by clicking
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