>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. THANKS FOR STAYING UP FOR OUR
SPECIAL LIVE "LATE SHOW" FOLLOWING THE REPUBLICAN
NATIONAL CONVENTION. EVERY NIGHT HAS HAD A THEME. FIRST NIGHT WAS LAND OF PROMISE. THEN WAS LAND OF OPPORTUNITY. I ASSUME NIGHT IS LAND OF THE
LOST. LET'S GET RIGHT TO WHAT WE'RE
CALLING... >> THIS AMERICAN CARNAGE. >> BE BEST. >> I'M MIKE PENCE. >> GOOD LUCK. LET THEM PROVE SOMEBODY WAS
GUILTY. >> MAGIC. IT'S NOT WORKING DAD. >> Stephen: NOW, FULL
DISCLOSURE, I DID NOT WATCH MUCH OF THE CONVENTION TONIGHT. AND FULLEST DISCLOSURE, I DID
NOT WATCH ANY OF IT. BECAUSE RIGHT NOW IN AMERICA,
WE'RE FACING A GLOBAL PANDEMIC THAT HAS KILLED 180,000
AMERICANS, HEAVILY ARMED RAMBO WANNA-BEES ARE MURDERING PEOPLE
IN OUR STREETS. THE STRONGEST HURRICANE IN THE
HISTORY OF THE GULF COAST IS MAKING LANDFALL AS I SPEAK. AND THE R.N.C.'S MESSAGE IS,
"WHO'S UP FOR FOUR MORE YEARS?" HUH? NOW, I KNOW BY NOT WATCHING THE
R.N.C., I DIDN'T DO MY JOB TONIGHT. I JUST WANT TO SAY, I FEEL GREAT
ABOUT IT. WHY SHOULD WE PAY ATTENTION TO
WHAT THEY'RE SAYING IF NONE OF WHAT THEY'RE SAYING TONIGHT IS
ABOUT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN AMERICA RIGHT NOW? WHY SHOULD WE WATCH THEIR
REALITY SHOW IF IT DOESN'T REFLECT OUR REALITY? WHY SUBJECT OURSELVES TO THEIR
LIES THAT STICK TO YOUR SOUL LIKE HOT TAR? LIES LIKE DONALD TRUMP CARES
WHETHER YOU LIVE OR DIE. YOU SEE, THIS WEEK, THE C.D.C. COMPLETELY REVERSED THEIR
TESTING GUIDELINES TO SAY PEOPLE WITHOUT SYMPTOMS MAY NOT NEED TO
BE TESTED, EVEN IF THEY'VE BEEN IN CLOSE CONTACT WITH SOMEONE
KNOWN TO HAVE THE VIRUS. THAT IS SURPRISING. BECAUSE WE HAVE BEEN REPEATEDLY
WARNED THAT 40% OF INFECTIONS ARE ASYMPTOMATIC. AND 50% OF TRANSMISSIONS OCCUR
BEFORE THE SYMPTOMS. IGNORING SOMETHING DOESN'T MAKE
IT GO AWAY. IF IT DID, WHY ARE THERE STILL
VALPAK COUPONS? WHO ON EARTH THINKS NOT TESTING
IS A GOOD IDEA? >> IF WE DID HALF THE TESTING,
WE WOULD HAVE HALF THE CASE S. >> Stephen: OF COURSE, IT'S
ALWAYS THE ONLY PERSON YOU SUSPECT. AND, OOPS-A-CADAVER, WE FOUND
OUT THIS AFTER THAT THE C.D.C. WAS PRESSURED TO CHANGE GUIDANCE
ON CORONAVIRUS TESTING BY HIGHER UPS WITHIN THE TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION. SO WE'VE REACHED THE POINT WHERE
DONALD TRUMP IS DICTATING OUR HEALTH REGULATIONS. THAT'S WHY THE NEW SUGGESTED
SERVING FOR CHICKEN IS BUCKET. HEY! C.D.C.! THIS IS OUR LIVES! EITHER GROW A PAIR AND STAND UP
TO THIS CLOWN, OR AT LEAST BE HONEST AND CHANGE THE
HIPPOCRATIC OATH TO, "FIRST DO NO HARM, UNLESS IT MAKES THE
PRESIDENT LOOK BAD. IN THAT CASE, BAG 'EM AND TAG
'EM." ONCE AGAIN, WE ARE WATCHING A
BASIC FUNCTION OF OUR GOVERNMENT THAT HAS ALWAYS BEEN APOLITICAL
DIE IN FRONT OF OUR EYES. WE ARE ONE NEWS CYCLE AWAY FROM
THE C.D.C. WARNING THAT MAIL-IN BALLOTS GIVE YOU KHALID MIA. WITNESS INTIMIDATION, CRIPPLING
THE POST OFFICE, AND ILLEGALLY USING THE WHITE HOUSE, THE
PEOPLE'S HOUSE FOR PARTISAN CAMPAIGNING, LIKE HIS MEETING
WITH FORMER HOSTAGES, THE PARDON OF JOND PONDER, THE FIRST LADY'S
CONVENTION SPEECH IN THE ROSE GARDEN AND HOLDING A CAMPAIGN AD
NATURALIZATION CEREMONY FOR FIVE NEW CITIZENS. >> SALEH ABDUHD HAS BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS DAY SINCE HE ARRIVED FROM GHANA. HE SPEAKS FIVE LANGUAGES. >> Stephen: LET'S NOT FORGET
ONCE SULLY LANDED THAT PLANE ON THE HUDSON. MINUTE I SAW THAT, I THOUGHT,
THAT GUY'S IN. FEDERAL EMPLOYEES PUSHING
POLITICS IN THEIR OFFICIAL DUTIES VIOLATES A LAW CALLED THE
HATCH ACT. EVEN IF YOU COME UP WITH SOME
TORTUROUS RATIONALIZATION LIKE ONE WHITE HOUSE OFFICIAL CLAIMED
THERE WAS NO VIOLATION OF LAW BECAUSE THE VIDEO WAS AVAILABLE
TO THE PUBLIC EARLIER IN THE DAY, AND THE CAMPAIGN DECIDED TO
USE PUBLICLY AVAILABLE CONTENT FOR CAMPAIGN PURPOSES. THAT'S LIKE A HUSBAND SAYING IT
DOESN'T COUNT AS CHEATING IF IT'S WITH MY EX. THAT WAS JUST AN ENCORE
PRESENTATION OF SEX I HAD BEFORE WE WERE MARRIED. PLUS, I DECIDED TO MAKE THE
VIDEO PUBLICLY AVAILABLE. IT'S PRETTY NICE. I WAXED. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
NOW, THAT SEEMS PRETTY CYNICAL, UNLESS YOU HEAR WHITE HOUSE
CHIEF OF STAFF MARK MEADOWS DROP THE NEUTRON CYNIC BOMB. >> NOBODY OUTSIDE OF THE BELTWAY
REALLY CARES. LISTEN, THIS IS A LOT OF HOOPLA
BEING MADE ABOUT THINGS, MAINLY BECAUSE THE CONVENTION HAS BEEN
SO UNBELIEVABLY SUCCESSFUL. >> Stephen: HE'S RIGHT ABOUT
THAT-- I DON'T BELIEVE IT'S BEEN SUCCESSFUL. BUT HERE'S THE DEAL: THE HATCH
ACT IS A LAW, WHETHER WE CARE ABOUT IT OR NOT DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS THAT IT
EXISTS. A LOT OF PEOPLE OUTSIDE CAR
MECHANICS DON'T CARE WHAT BRAKE FLUID IS, BUT YOU'LL MISS IT
WHEN IT'S GONE. BRAKE FLUID? THAT'S A LOT OF HOOP-LAAAAAH! SCENE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
PEOPLE OUTSIDE THE BELTWAY SHOULD CARE ABOUT EVERY LAW THE
PRESIDENT IS BREAKING. AND I THINK THEY ACTUALLY DO. IT'S JUST THAT IT'S HARD TO KEEP
TRACK AT THIS POINT. YOU'RE DRINKING FROM A FIRE HOSE
OF SCANDAL, BUT AMERICA, IF YOU KAWCH YOURSELF GETTING TOO NUMB
TO ALL OF THIS, "THE LATE SHOW"S"
HAS A PRESCRIPTION FOR YOU. >> ARE YOU BORED AND
DISINTERESTED IN THINGS THAT USED TO SEEM IMPORTANT, LIKE THE
PRESIDENT USING 11ERS THE POWER TO ENSURE HIS REELECTION. ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT NOT NORMAL
ZOLL. NOT NORMAL ZOLL IS A
PRESCRIPTION-STRENGTH SLAP TO THE FACE THAT WILL LEAVE YOU
RENEWED AND REMINDED THAT CRIMES ARE ILLEGAL... NOT NORMAL ZOLL
HAS ALSO BEEN EFFECTIVE IN TREASON BEING NO BIGGIE. HERE'S HOW IT WORKS, NOT NORMAL
ZOLL CONTAINS FAST-ACTING SLAPPA-ZINN, WHICH PEN TRAITS
THE CORTEX. SIDE EFFECTS OF NOT NORMAL ZOLL
MAY INCLUDE BRUISING AND NOT SHUTTING UP ABOUT THE POSTMASTER
GENERAL SAYING HE'S OPTIMIZING THE POSTAL SERVICE. IS THAT WHAT STEALING MAILBOXES
AND STACKING THEM LIKE CORDWOOD MEANS? HOW STUPID DO YOU THINK I AM? WHAT'S HAPPENED TO MY COUNTRY? I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! ASK YOUR DOCTOR IF NOT NORMA
ZOLL IS RIGHT FOR YOU. AND ASK WHO HE VOTED FOR. WARNING, NOT NORMA ZOLL SHOULD
ALWAYS BE TAKEN WITH ALCOHOL. >> Stephen: HERE'S ANOTHER
REASON I'M NOT WATCHING THE CONVENTION. I'M A TV PROFESSIONAL AND IT'S
TERRIBLY PRODUCED. I KNOW WHAT'S GOING TO HAPPEN,
BECAUSE THEY REVEALED THE MONSTER ON THE FIRST NIGHT, AND
IT'S THIM, A MULTIHEADED SPINELESS CREATURE THAT LIVES ON
YOUR FEAR. >> TRUMP WAS ELECTED TO PROTECT
OUR FAMILIES FROM THE VENGEFUL MOB THAT SEEKS TO DESTROY OUR
WAY OF LIFE, OUR NEIGHBORHOODS, SCHOOLS, CHURCHES, AND VALUES. >VALUES. >> LOOK AT WHAT'S HAPPENING IN
AMERICAN CITIES, CITIES ALL RUN BY DEMOCRATS, CRIME, VIOLENCE,
AND MOB RULE. >> YOU MAY HAVE SEEN US
DEFENDING OUR HOME AS A MOB OF PROTESTERS DESCENDED ON OUR
NEIGHBORHOOD. >> WHAT YOU SAW HAPPEN TO US
COULD JUST AS EASILY HAPPEN TO ANY OF YOU WHO ARE WATCHING FROM
QUIET NEIGHBORHOODS AROUND OUR COUNTRY. >> THEY'LL DISARM YOU, EMPTY THE
PRISONS, LOCK YOU IN YOUR HOME, AND INVITE MS-13 TO LIVE NEXT
DOOR. >> HUMAN SACRIFICE, DOGS AND
CATS, LIVING TOGETHER, MASS HYSTERIA. >> Stephen: WHO YOU GONNA
CALL? NOT THE POLICE IN THIS CASE. NOW, I KNOW FEAR IS A MOTIVATOR. THEY ARE DESPERATE TO TURN OUT
THE FEARFUL. BUT STOKING FEAR IS A DANGEROUS
GAME. LAST NIGHT, THERE WAS YET
ANOTHER TRAGEDY IN KENOSHA, WISCONSIN. ALL THIS WEEK, THERE HAVE BEEN
DEMONSTRATIONS PROTESTING THE SHOOTING OF JACOB BLAKE BY
POLICE ON SUNDAY. THERE'S BEEN FIREWORKS. THERE'S BEEN TEAR GAS. THERE'S BEEN FIRES. BUT YESTERDAY, VIOLENCE
ESCALATED WHEN TWO PEOPLE WERE KILLED AND ONE INJURED AFTER A
VIGILANTE FIRED MULTIPLE ROUNDS INTO A CROWD OF PROTESTERS. SO MUCH FOR A WELL-REGULATED
MILITIA. CELL PHONE VIDEO SHOWS THE
KILLER WITH A SEMIAUTOMATIC RIFLE OPENING FIRE ON A GROUP OF
PEOPLE. THE MAN WITH THE GUN IS THEN
SEEN WALKING WITH HIS HANDS UP TOWARD RESPONDING POLICE
OFFICERS WHO DRIVE PAST HIM. HE HAD HIS HANDS UP, AND THE
POLICE TOLD HIM TO GET OUT OF THEIR, EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE WAS
YELLING THAT HE WAS THE SHOOTER. EVIDENTLY, THE KENOSHA POLICE
MOTTO IS TO OBSERVE AND NEGLECT. WELL, TODAY, ILLINOIS POLICE
ARRESTED THE SUSPECTED SHOOTER, AND HE HAS NOW BEEN CHARGE AND
IDENTIFIED AS A 17-YEAR-OLD ILLINOIS RESIDENT. AND WE DONT KNOW A LOT MORE
THAN, THAT OTHER THAN TWO THINGS: THIS PERSON THOUGHT THEY
WERE A MEMBER OF THE MILITIA. AND THEY THOUGHT THERE WAS SUCH
A THING AS A MILITIA. THERE ISN'T. THERE'S COPS WHO CAN LEGALLY
CARRY GUNS AND ARREST YOU. AND THEN THERE ARE YAHOOS WHO
CAN GET STRAPPED WITH AN AR-15 BY BUY SOME CAMEO FROM AN ARMY
SURPLUS STORE AND ROLE PLAY THE FEAR FANTASY THAT HAS BEEN FED
TO THEM EVERY NIGHT OF THE LAST FOUR YEARS. AND I'LL GIVE YOU ONE GUEST
WHICH OF THESE CONVENTIONS THOSE YAHOOS ARE WATCHING. IT'S THE ONE MAKING A HERO OUT
OF TWEEDLE DEE AND TWIEDLE GUN. ASSUMING IT WAS ON TOBTET. AGAIN I DID NOT WATCH. EVERYONE WHO THINKS THE BLACK
LIVES MATTER PROTESTS ARE NOT NECESSARY, OR DEFUNDING OR
FUNDAMENTALLY RESTRUCTURING THE POLICE IS NOT NECESSARY. CONSIDER THIS-- THE KENOSHA
POLICE SEEMED COZY WITH THIS MILITIA LEAGUE. A GROUP CALLING THEMSELVES THE
KENOSHA GUARD ORGANIZED A FACEBOOK EVENT ENCOURAGING ARMED
CIVILIANS TO TAKE TO THE STREETS. THE GROUP PUT UP THIS FACEBOOK
POST ADDRESSED TO KENOSHA'S POLICE CHIEF. AS YOU KNOW I AM THE COMMANDER
OF THE KENOSHA GUARD, A MILITIA. WE ARE ORGANIZING AND HAVE ABOUT
3,000 R.S.V.P.s. I ASK THAT YOU DO NOT HAVE YOUR
OFFICERS TELL US TO GO HOME UNDER THREAT OF ARREST AS YOU
HAVE IN THE PAST. WE ARE WILLING TO TALK TO
K.P.D., AND OPEN A DISCUSSION. IT IS EVIDENT NO MATTER HOW MANY
OFFICERS, DEPUTIES, AND OTHER LAW ENFORCEMENT OFFICERS THAT
THERE ARE YOU WILL STILL BE OUTNUMBERED. WHAT A POLITE REQUEST TO BREAK
THE LAW. "DEAR SIR OR MADAM, I AM WRITING
TO INFORM YOU I HAVE A 7:00 APPOINTMENT TO POOP IN THE TOWN
FOUNTAIN. I HAVE OVER 3,000 R.S.V.P.s. PLEASE DO NOT ARREST ME AS I
PREFER NOT TO GO TO JAIL." SO, DID THE KENOSHA POLICE TELL
THE HEAVILY ARMED YAHOOS TO BUZZ OFF UNDER THREAT OF ARREST LIKE
THEY USUALLY DO? I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT. IT RHYMES WITH NO. THEY OFFERED THEM REFRESHMENTS. >> DO YOU NEED WATER? >> WE NEED WATER. >> WE'LL THROW YOU ONE. >> WE APPRECIATE YOU GUYS. WE REALLY DO. >> THANK YOU! >> THANK YOU! >> Stephen: THAT'S RIGHT. THEY THANKED SEAL TEAM SUCKS,
AND GAVE THEM WATER. I BELIEVE THE BRAND WAS 1939
POLAND SPRING. WHEN ASKED ABOUT THE INCIDENT,
THE KENOSHA POLICE CHIEF SAYS PROTESTERS WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN
SHOT BY ARMED TEEN IF THEY WEREN'T ILLEGALLY OUT PAST
CURFEW. THAT IS INSANE. JUSTIFYING MURDER BECAUSE IT'S
PAST CURFEW HAS A NAME. IT'S CALLED "THE PURGE." BUT IT LOOKS LIKE THIS CRIME
WILL NOT BE IGNORED IN THE COURTS. OR AT LEAST ON THEM, BECAUSE
EARLIER TODAY, TO PROTEST WHAT HAS HAPPENED IN KENOSHA AND ALL
AROUND THE UNITED STATES, THE MILWAUKEE BUCKS BOYCOTTED GAME
FIVE OF THE N.B.A. PLAY-OFF SERIES. WELL, SOMEBODY HAD TO SHOW SOME
LEADERSHIP. AND THE BUCKS STOPPED HERE. THIS WAS A REAL SHOCK. IF YOU TUNED IN TO WATCH THE
GAME, YOU JUST SAW AN EMPTY COURT WITH A FEW REFEREES ON IT. AND KEEP IN MIND, THIS IS A
PLAY-OFF GAME. IT COULD BE THE PINNACLE OF MANY
OF THESE ATHLETES' YEARS. IS THERE A MOST VALUABLE NOT
PLAYER AWARD? BECAUSE THERE'S SOME COMPETITION
TODAY. THE BUCKS WERE SOON FOLLOWED BY
THE REST OF THE LEAGUE, AND NOW ALL OF TODAY'S N.B.A. GAMES HAVE
BEEN POSTPONED. AND IT WASN'T JUST THE PLAYERS
TAKING A STAND. ON "INSIDE THE N.B.A." THIS
HAPPENED: >> I THINK THE BIGGEST THING NOW
IS TO KIND OF, AS A BLACK MAN, AS A FORMER PLAYER, I THINK IT'S
BEST FOR ME TO SUPPORT THE PLAYERS AND JUST NOT BE HERE
TONIGHT. AND FIGURE OUT WHAT HAPPENS
AFTER THAT. >> Stephen: WOW. THAT IS A MIC DROP. OR AT LEAST A GENTLY UNCLIPPED
AND RESPECTFULLY SET DOWN ON THE DESK IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF
SOLIDARITY. I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT BEFORE. I THINK KENNY SMITH JUST TOOK A
KNEE WHILE MAKING A SLAM DUNK. PERHAPS THE MOST POIGNANT
COMMENTARY CAME FROM L.A. CLIPPERS COACH DOC RIVERS LAST
NIGHT. >> THEY'RE SPEWING THIS FEAR,
RIGHT, ALL YOU HEARD IS DONALD TRUMP AND ALL OF THEM TALKING
ABOUT FEAR. WE'RE THE ONES GETTING KILLED. WE'RE THE ONES GETTING SHOT. WE'RE THE ONES THAT WERE DINEED
TO LIVE IN CERTAIN COMMUNITIES. WE'VE BEEN HUNG. WE'VE BEEN SHOT. AND... ALL YOU DO IS KEEP HEARING OF
FEAR. IT'S... IT'S AMAZING. WHY WE KEEP LOVING THIS COUNTRY
AND THIS COUNTRY DOES NOT LOVE US BACK. >> Stephen: THAT IS WHY VOTING
IN NOVEMBER IS SO IMPORTANT. BECAUSE DONALD TRUMP DOES NOT
CARE IF YOU LIVE OR DIE OF COVID OR OF RACISM AS LONG AS HE WINS. AND UNTIL WE, THE PEOPLE, CHANGE
THIS ADMINISTRATION, WE WILL CONTINUE TO GET MORE LEADERSHIP
FROM THE N.B.A. THAN THE R.N.C. SPEAKING OF LEADERSHIP, WE HAVE
A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. THE SPEAKER OF THE HOUSE IS
HERE. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH SPEAKER
NANCY PELOSI. STICK AROUND.
What? Stephen Colbert doesn't like Republicans?
Oh, this is news!
Of course he did, is there a time when he doesn't rip on conservatives? That's all he ever does
I didn’t even know he was still on.
Why did he say it would be his last show?
now is a good time to remind everyone that wikileaks proved colbert to be a literal paid dnc shill