>> Stephen: WELCOME, WELCOME,
ONE AND ALL TO "A LATE SHOW." I AM YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT,
AS IT SAYS ON THE BONE HERE. WELL, WE ARE LIVE, RIGHT THERE,
AFTER THE FIRST PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. TONIGHT WAS THE OPENING ROUND OF
DONALD TRUMP VERSUS JOE BIDEN, THE BATTLE OF THE BOOMERS, THE
SHOWMAN JURIES THE JOE-MAN. GET READY FOR DEMOCRACY TO
CRUMBLE! I COME TO YOU TONIGHT, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, AN EMPTY VESSEL, A MAN WITH A MIND WIPED CLEAN. I HAVE STOOD IN THE SWIRLING
CHAOS OF CREATION. I HAVE SEEN SHIVA WIELDING HIS
CARVINGS AGREEMENT GOUT OFT UNIVERSE. THE SKY ONCE RED, BLUE, AND
BLACK UNTIL ALL THAT REMAINED WAS A STARLESS VOID AND THE
HOLLOWED HUSK ONCE KNOWN AS CHRIS WALLACE. WE ARE EMERGED FROM THE MAT
WHIRLWIND WHERE WE FORBADE ON THE GOVERNANCE OF GOD HIMSELF,
AND HE SAID UNTO US, "JESUS, STOP INTERRUPTING HIM, YOU GIANT
BABY!" YES, TONIGHT SAW THE BEST MINDS
OF OUR GENERATION DESTROYED BY MADNESS STARVING HYSTERICAL,
NAKED, DRAGGING THEMSELVES THROUGH THE STREETS AT DAWN,
LOOKING FOR THE MUTE BUTTON. FORGET FACT CHECKING THIS
DEBATE. WE COULDN'T EVEN DO ANY SENTENCE
FINDING! I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,
BUT I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO THE VICE PRESIDENTIAL DEBATE. I MEAN, FOR PETE'S SAKE,
CHILDREN WATCHED THAT! I'M GLAD I'VE ALREADY HAD MY
CHILDREN, BECAUSE I THINK JUST WATCHING THAT STERILIZED ME. BUT WHO KNOWS? WHO WHO KNOWS? I CAN GET EMOTIONAL. MAYBE I'M A LITTLE OVERHEATED. LET'S SEE WHAT THE NEWS
PROFESSIONALS HAD TO SAY ABOUT IT. DANA BASH. >> THAT WAS A ( BLEEP ) SHOW. >> OKAY, OKAY. THAT IS, FIRST OF ALL, AN INSULT
TO BOTH SHOWS AND THE OTHER WORD THAT I CAN'T SAY BECAUSE THIS IS
CBS. IT'S NOT EXACTLY ACCURATE,
BECAUSE AT LEAST AFTER A 90-MINUTE POOP, YOU GENERALLY
FEEL BETTER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OKAY... OH! LET'S GET TO THE COVERAGE. GOING INTO TONIGHT'S DEBATE,
ANTICIPATION WAS A-BUB LIN'. "THE NEW YORK TIMES" PREDICTED A
CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS. NO, BAD, "NEW YORK TIMES," BAD! STOP PRETENDING THAT ANY OF THIS
IS NORMAL. THEY'RE NOT EQUIVALENT
CANDIDATES. YOU DON'T SEE A GUY TRYING TO
TAKE A MOLOTOV COCKTAIL AWAY FROM A BABY AND SAY, "THAT'S A
REAL CLASH OF STYLE AND IDEAS." BEFORE THE DEBATE STARTED, CHRIS
WALLACE GAVE US A PREVIEW OF HIS MODERATION STRATEGY, SAYING, "MY
JOB IS TO BE AS INVISIBLE AS POSSIBLE." CHRIS, I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU
TRYING TO BE INVISIBLE WOULDN'T HELP. HAVEN'T YOU SEEN "THE LORD OF
THE RINGS." >>> I THINK MY STRONGEST MAY BE
BY FAR IS MY TEMPERAMENT. >> Stephen: NOW, BEFORE THINGS
EVEN GOT STARTED, THE DIFFERENCE IN THE CANDIDATES WAS CLEAR
BECAUSE EVERYONE IN BIDEN'S SIDE OF THE HALL WAS WEARING A MASK. MOST OF THE PEOPLE ON TRUMP'S
SIDE, INCLUDING HIS FOUR CHILDREN, WERE NOT WEARING
MASKS. AND ACCORDING TO THE CLEVELAND
CLINIC, IT IS A REQUIREMENT THAT ALL GUESTS WEAR MASKS. AND THAT'S NOT A MEDICAL
REQUIREMENT. THE CLEVELAND CLINIC JUST
DOESN'T WANT TO SEE ERIC'S MOUTH. PLUS, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN
OVER VOTERS BY KILLING THEM. MOST POLLS SHOW THAT VOTERS DO
NOT RESPOND WELL TO THEIR OWN DEATHS. CHRIS WALLACE OPENED BY LAYING
OUT THE RULES FOR THE SPARSE AUDIENCE. >> THE AUDIENCE HERE IN THE HALL
HAS PROMISED TO REMAIN SILENT. >> Stephen: AND NOT JUST THE
REPUBLICANS WHO HAVE BEEN COWARDS FOR THE PAST FOUR YEARS. EVEN THOUGH THE CANDIDATES DID
NOT SHAKE HAND, THEY DID CHANGE PLEASANTRIES. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> HOW YOU DOING, MAN? >> Stephen: TO WHICH TRUMP
REPLIED, "I'M OKAY, HOW A ARE YU DOING MAN, PERSON, WOMAN,
CAMERA, TV." IT SEEMS PRETTY CLEAR FROM THE
BEGINNING THAT TRUMP'S DEBATE STRATEGY WAS JUST TO TALK OVER
EVERYONE. >> LET ME ASK MY QUESTION. >> I'LL ASK JOE. THE INDIVIDUAL MANDATE WAS THE
MOST UNPOPULAR-- >> MR. PRESIDENT, MR. PRESIDENT,
I'D LIKE-- I'M THE MODERATOR OF THIS DEBATE AND I WOULD LIKE YOU
TO CAN LET ME ASK MY QUESTION. >> Stephen: AND HE JUST KEPT
DOING IT ALL NIGHT. IT REMINDED WHEN ABRAHAM LINCOLN
DEBATED A LEAF BLOWER. JOE BIDEN DID GET IN SOME
ZINGERS. >> MR. PRESIDENT, CAN YOU LET
HIM FINISH, SIR? >> HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO
THAT. >> Stephen: TO WHICH MELANIA
RESPONDED, "NO YOU WOULDN'T." EVENTUALLY, BIDEN HAD JUST HAD
IT. >> WELL YOU SHUT UP, MAN. .>> Stephen: NO, NO, HE WON'T. IMAGINE IF THAT WORKED! IT'S NOT GREAT WHEN YOU HAVE TO
SAY THE SAME THING TO THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES
THAT YOU WOULD SHOUT AT A FRIEND WHO WON'T STOP RANTING ABOUT HOW
VAN HALEN WAS ACTUALLY A BETTER BAND WITH SAMMY HAGAR. BIDEN TRIED TO HIGHLIGHT JUST
HOW BAD TRUMP HAS BEEN ON THE CORONAVIRUS. >> AND, BY THE WAY, MAYBE YOU
COULD INJECT SOME BLEACH IN YOUR ARM AND THAT WOULD TAKE CARE OF
IT. >> THAT WAS SAID SARCASTICALLY
AND YOU KNOW THAT. >> Stephen: IT WAS SARCASM,
JUST LIKE MY OATH TO HOLD UP THE CONSTITUTION AND MY MARRIAGE
VOWS. I GUESS I'M JUST TOO HIP FOR THE
ROOM. THEN, THEN THINGS GOT A LITTLE
PERSONAL. >> A LOT OF PEOPLE DIED, AND A
LOT MORE ARE GOING TO DIE UNLESS HE GETS A LOT SMARTER A LOT
QUICKER. >> MR. PRESIDENT. >> DID YOU USE THE WORD "SMART?"
DON'T EVER USE THE WORD SMART WITH ME. DON'T EVER USE THAT WORD. >> Stephen: I CAN IMAGINE
TRUMP IS NOT USED TO HEARING THAT WORD AROUND HIM VERY MUCH. WALLACE TRIED TO PAINT THE
DIFFERENCE IN THE TWO CANDIDATES' CAMPAIGNING STYLES
QUIRK. >> PRESIDENT TRUMP, YOU'RE
HOLDING THE LARGE RALLIES WITH CROWDS PACKED TOGETHER,
THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. >> OUTSIDE. >> OUTSIDE, YES, SIR, AGREED. VICE PRESIDENT BIDEN YOU ARE
HOLDING MUCH SMALLER EVENTS. WHY YOU HOLDING THE BIG RALLIES,
WHY YOU NOT? >> Sephen: WE ALREADY KNOW
THE BIG RALLIES ARE BAD, CHRIS. THIS IS LIKE ASKING,
"MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE TYING LADIES TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS AS
THE CHOO-CHOO TRAINS ARE COMING." MR. BIDEN, WHY DID YOU GO WITH
THE STRATEGY NOT KILLING YOUR SUPPORTERS? HE TRIED TO EXPLAIN THAT THE
RALLIES ARE A HEALTH RISK. >> HE'S NOT WORRIED ABOUT YOU. >> NO NEGATIVE EFFECT. WE'VE HAD 35, 40,000 PEOPLE AT
THESE RALLY S. >> Stephen: NO NEGATIVE
EFFECT FROM YOUR RALLY POSITIVE UPON THAT'S AN INTERESTING
POINT. HERMAN CANE, YOUR THOUGHTS? HERMAN CANE. EVIDENTLY WE'RE HAVING
CONNECTION ISSUES WITH THE GREAT BEYOND. NOW, TRUMP LAMENTED THE DAMAGING
EFFECTS OF THE LOCKDOIN. >> YOU LOOK AT WHAT'S GOING ON
WITH DIVORCE. >> Stephen: "I MEAN EVERYWHERE
YOU LOOK, THERE ARE WIVES SAYING TO THEIR HUSBANDS,' DONALD THE
SECOND YOU'RE OUT OF OFFICE I'M LEAVING YOU AND YOUR UNSPEAKABLE
BURGER FARTS. WAR CRIME, SHE USED THE WORD WAR
CRIME. SHE'S GOING TO DRAG MY ASS." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
COME ON. YOU HAVE TO FIND YOUR HAPPINESS
WHERE YOU CAN. TRUMP BRAGGED ABOUT HOW HE'S
RESCUED THE WIDE WORLD OF SPORTS. >> I'M THE ONE THAT BROUGHT BACK
FOOTBALL. >> Stephen: TO WHICH THE
CLEVELAND BROWNS FANS SAID, "YEAH, WE'RE GOOD." TRUMP THEN TRIED TO DEFEND
PAYING SO LITTLE IN TAXES. >> BEFORE I CAME HERE, I WAS A
PRIVATE DEVELOPER. I WAS A PRIVATE BUSINESSPEOPLE. >> I WAS A PRIVATE
BUSINESSPEOPLE. IT WAS ME AND A BUNCH OF MES
THAT I MADE UP FOR TAX WRITE-OFFS. THE PEOPLE. THEN JOE, HE JUST GOT FED UP. >> YOU ARE THE WORST PRESIDENT
AMERICA HAS EVER HAD. >> Stephen: COME ON NOW,
MR. VICE PRESIDENT. THAT'S NOT FAIR. HE'S ALSO THE WORST PRESIDENT
AMERICA WILL EVER HAVE. TRUMP TRIED TO HIT JOE WHERE IT
HURT-- HIS RECORD. >> I'VE DONE MORE IN-- IN 47
MONTHS, I'VE DONE MORE THAN YOU HAVE DONE IN 47 YEARS, JOE. >> Stephen: I, YOU KNOW,... THAT'S POSSIBLE. >> I'VE DON
BUT VOLUME ISN'T EVERYTHING. THE NUCLEAR BOMB DID MORE IN
HIROSHIMA IN ONE DAY THAN ANY POLITICIAN DID IN HISTORY, BUT
SOMETHING TELLS ME IT MIGHT HAVE COST TRUMAN THE JAPANESE VOTE. THERE WAS AN INTERESTING MOMENT
OF CIVILITY FROM BIDEN. >> IT'S HARD TO GET ANYWHERE
WORD IN WITH THIS CLOWN-- EXCUSE ME. >> Stephen: IT'S A GOOD THING
JOE CORRECTED HIMSELF. HE WOULDN'T WANT TO LOSE THE
CLOWN VOTE. IT'S ALSO NOT ACCURATE. IF TRUMP WAS A CLOWN, HE WOULD
HAVE A MUCH MORE PROFESSIONAL FACE PAINT. THEN CHRIS WALLACE ANNOUNCED HE
WAS GOING TO ASK A QUESTION ABOUT RACE. >> WE'RE GOING TO GO TO THE NEXT
SEGMENT. I'M GOING TO ASK A QUESTION
ABOUT RACE, BUT IF YOU WANT TO ANSWER ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE, GO
AHEAD. >> Stephen: CHRIS WALLACE,
RESTATING AMERICA'S OFFICIAL POSITION ON RACISM. THEN WE ARRIVED AT ONE OF THE
MOST TELLING, ONE OF THE MOST UPSETTING MOMENTS NOT ONLY OF
THE NIGHT BUT OF MY LIFETIME, WHEN THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED
STATES WAS ASKED SIMPLY TO CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACY. >> ARE YOU WILLING TONIGHT TO
CONDEMN WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND MILITIA GROUPS. >> I'M WILLING TO DO ANYTHING. I WANT TO SEE PEACE. >> THEN DO IT, SIR. >> DO IT, SAY THEM. >> WHAT DO YOU WANT TO CALL
THEM? GIVE ME A NAME. >> WHITE SUPREMACISTS AND
MILITIA. >> STAND BACK AND STAND BY. >> Stephen: DIDN'T DO IT. "I DON'T SUPPORT WHITE
SUPREMACISTS. I JUST COMMAND THEM. LIKE A DOG. THAT'S WHY I'VE GOT THIS SHINY
DOG WHISTLE. PROUD BOYS! PROUD BOYS! STAND BACK. SIT. WHO'S A PROUD BOY? YOU'RE A PROUD BOY." ON FOREIGN AFFAIRS, BIDEN SAID
TRUMP WASN'T AN ATTACK DOG. HE WAS A LAP DOG. >> HE'S PUTIN'S PUPPY. HE STILL REFUSES TO SAY ANYTHING
TO PUTIN ABOUT THE BOUNTY ON THE HEADS OF AMERICAN SOLDIERS. >> Stephen: "THAT'S NOT TRUE. I'M NOT HIS PUPPY. I'M HIS B.F.F.. TRUMP EXPLAINED THE MASSIVE
FOREST FIRES IN CALIFORNIA AREN'T CLIMATE CHANGE'S FAULT. >> THE FOREST FLOORS ARE LOADED
UP WITH TREES, DEAD TREES THAT ARE YEARS OLD, AND THEY'RE LIKE
TIRND. >> Stephen: "THEY'RE LIKE
TIRND. YOU SWIPE RIGHT, YOU SWIPE LEFT,
EITHER WAY, TOTAL SMOKE SHOW, AND THEY ARE D.T.F.-- DOWN TO
FOREST FIRE." AFTER ONE PARTICULARLY LONG
TRUMP SPITTLE-FILLED BLATHER, CHRIS WALLACE TRIED TO GET
THINGS BACK ON TRACK. >> MR. VICE PRESIDENT, ANSWERED
HIS FINAL QUESTION. >> THE FINAL QUESTION IS-- I
CAN'T REMEMBER WHICH OF ALL HIS RANTINGS. >> I'M HAVING A LITTLE TROUBLE
MYSELF. >> Stephen: IT'S FUNNY,
BECAUSE WE ARE FACING THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR
LIFETIMES AND WE'RE LETTING THE IDIOT WHO SHOUTS THE LOUDEST
DECIDE WHAT WE TALK ABOUT. NOW, TRUMP ENDED UP GINNING UP
FEARS ABOUT THE NEXT ELECTION. >> THIS IS GOING TO BE A FRAUD
LIKE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN. >> Stephen: OH, I DON'T KNOW,
I'M LOOKING AT A PRETTY BIG ONE RIGHT NOW. WHEN CHRIS WALLACE ASKED TRUMP
IF HE WOULD CALL ON HIS VOTERS TO STAY CALM, INSTEAD TRUMP MADE
A FRIGHTENING CALL TO HIS FOLLOWERS. >> I'M URGING MY SUPPORTERS TO
GO INTO THE POLLS AND WATCH VERY CAREFULLY. >> Stephen: "MAYBE GO HANG OUT
THERE WEARING YOUR FAVORITE BROWN SHIRT AND JUST, YOU KNOW,
S.S. THE SITUATION." AFTER AN HOUR AND A HALF OF
SOUL-PULVERIZING MENACE, I FEEL LIKE I DID COMING OUT OF "STAR
WARS" EPISODE ONE "THE PHANTOM MENACE": HOW CAN WE POSSIBLY DO
THIS TWO MORE TIMES? ULTIMATELY, I THINK THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE, THEY WERE HURT TONIGHT. AND IT-- AND IF YOU LOOK ONLINE,
THEY'RE ANGRY. BECAUSE THIS IS A SERIOUS
MOMENT. WHERE HUMAN LIVES AND THE FUTURE
OF THIS IRREPLACEABLE COUNTRY IS ON THE LINE. AND I KNOW THAT CHRIS WALLACE
SAYS HE'S NOT A FACT CHECKER. BUT AFTER ONE AND A HALF HOURS
OF CHAOS AND LIES, I CAN SAY THERE'S ONE STATEMENT TONIGHT
THAT WAS ABSOLUTELY TRUE. >> THIS IS NOT GOING TO END
WELL. THIS IS NOT GOING TO END WELL. >> Stephen: WE'VE GOT A GREAT
SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT. LATER ON WE'LL HAVE A
PERFORMANCE BY PUBLIC ENEMY. BUT WHEN WE RETURN, I'LL GET A
DEBATE REACTION FROM SENATOR CORY BOOKER. STICK AROUND.
