>> Stephen: HEY. THERE YOU ARE. WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. AFTER 15 MONTHS OF FORCED
PANDEMIC ISOLATION, AMERICANS ARE DESPERATE TO GET OUT OF THE
HOUSE AND DO ANYTHING-- GO TO A RESTAURANT, ATTEND A BALLGAME,
DO YOUR LATE-NIGHT SHOW IN FRONT OF A LIVE AUDIENCE. WE'VE ALL BEEN THERE. HOW MANY MORE? TWO MORE? THIS IS THE LAST WEDNESDAY? THIS IS THE FINAL HUMP DAY! <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
TRYING TO MAKE THE MOST OF IT, YOU KNOW. TREASURE, TREASURE THESE
MOMENTS. NO ONE IS MORE ANXIOUS TO GET
OUT AND DO STUFF THAN THE MAN WHO WON THE PRESIDENCY FROM HIS
BASEMENT, JOE BIDEN. THIS MORNING, THE PRESIDENT
EMBARKED ON AN EIGHT-DAY TRIP TO EUROPE. WELL, THAT'S FUN! BIDEN'S GOING TO EURO! HE'S GOING TO EURO, I JUST SAID! HE'S GOING TO SEE THE SITES,
RIDE THE RAILS, COME BACK SAYING WORDS LIKE "LORRY" AND
"ZED." COMPLAPING ABOUT HOW BAD OUR BUT
ARE IS HERE. AND, OF COURSE, SWITCHING FROM
DOUBLE FISTING ICE CREAM TO DOUBLE FISTING GELATO. THE TOUR STARTS IN THE U.K.,
WHERE BIDEN WILL SIT DOWN FOR A MEETING WITH BORIS JOHNSON-- OR,
AS THEY'RE KNOWN BY THEIR POLITICAL COUPLE NAME,
"BO-JO JO-BI." THEY'RE THE HOTTEST
EUROPEAN-AMERICAN PAIR SINCE, OB-ERKEL. WHICH, OF COURSE, WAS
OBAMA, ANGELA MERKLE, AND STEVE URKEL. BIDEN'S GOAL IS TO STRENGTHEN
AMERICA'S BONDS WITH EUROPE, ESPECIALLY NATO. BUT FIRST, HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO
WIN OVER THE EUROPEAN LEADERS, WHO HAVE GROWN WARY AFTER FOUR
YEARS OF A MORE-INSULAR APPROACH FROM HIS PREDECESSOR. COME ON, EUROPE! YOU CAN'T JUDGE US. YOU HAD FASCISTS. WE HAD FASCISTS. YOU HAVE RULERS THAT MARRY THEIR
COUSINS. WE HAVE RUDY WHO MARRIED HIS
COUSIN. YOU HAD NOSFERATU AND WE HAVE... WE HAVE RUDY. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
POTATO-POTAHTO. THE PRESIDENT'S TRIP GOT OFF TO
A BIT OF A ROUGH START. LAST NIGHT, THE WHITE HOUSE
PRESS CHARTER PLANE WAS DELAYED BY CICADAS. THE FLYING INSECTS HAD FILLED
THE PLANE'S ENGINES. HERE'S ONE JOURNALIST AFTER
GETTING THE NEWS: >> GET OFF MY PLANE! ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: THE BUG DELAY LEFT BIDEN'S AIDES SCRAMBLING FOR
ANOTHER WAY TO FERRY THE REPORTERS OVERSEAS. EVENTUALLY, THE WHITE HOUSE WAS
ABLE TO CALL IN A NEW PILOT. BUT THE PLANE WAS DELAYED AGAIN
WHEN IT TURNED OUT THE PILOT WAS ALSO A CICADA. REPORTERS WEREN'T THE ONLY ONES
WHO HAD TO FACE THE SWARM ON THEIR WAY TO EUROPE. WHOA! FORGET THE SECRET SERVICE. THAT MAN NEEDS A SWAT TEAM. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> ONCE EVERY 17 YEARS SLAM! >> Stephen: THE CICADAS ARE ALL
OVER D.C. IN FACT, YESTERDAY, THE SWARM
CLOUD WAS SO DENSE THAT IT COULD ACTUALLY BE SEEN CAPTURED ON
WEATHER RADAR. NEVER A COMFORTING SIGN WHEN
YOUR WEATHER REPORT SOUNDS LIKE THE BOOK OF REVELATION:
"WEDNESDAY, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE SWARMS OF LOCUSTS. TOMORROW, RIVERS OF BLOOD. FRIDAY, FIRE WILL RAIN FROM THE
HEAVENS, AND YOU'LL BE TRAMPLED BY THE FOUR HORSEMEN OF THE
APOCALYPSE. SO, PACK AN UMBRELLA. OVER TO CHIP WITH SPORTS! CHIP?"
>> THANKS, STEVE! >> Stephen: I'M GUESSING BIDEN
HOPES HIS TRIP GOES A TAD SMOOTHER THAN THE ONE JUST
COMPLETED BY VICE PRESIDENT KAMALA HARRIS, SEEN HERE
AVOIDING JOE MANCHIN BY PRETENDING SHE'S HOLDING A
PHONE. WHILE BIDEN IS OFF TO MEET WITH
EUROPEAN LEADERS, HARRIS JUST GOT BACK FROM A TRIP TO CENTRAL
AMERICA. SHE WENT THERE AFTER THE
PRESIDENT PUT HER IN CHARGE OF THE BORDER CRISIS. "ALL RIGHT, KIDDO. LET'S DIVVY UP THESE
INTERNATIONAL TRIPS. I'M GONNA GO EAT, PRAY,
LOVE ACROSS THE OLD COUNTRY. HOW 'BOUT YOU HEAD SOUTH OF THE
BORDER, TRY TO SOLVE A PROBLEM THAT NO PRESIDENT OF
EITHER PARTY HAS BEEN ABLE TO HANDLE FOR DECADES? TAKE IT EASY ON AIR FORCE TWO. THAT THING IS CHOCK FULL OF
CICADAS. DON'T FLOOD THE ENGINE, OKAY? ONE OF MY PROPS JUST FELL DOWN
FOR LATER, A JOKE WE'RE DOING A LITTLE BIT LATER. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THE TRIP DID NOT GO VERY SMOOTHLY. SMOOTHER THAN THAT JUST WENT FOR
ME. THE ROCKIEST MOMENTS CAME WHEN
HARRIS TOLD GUATEMALAN MIGRANTS BLUNTLY, "DO NOT COME," AFTER
WHICH SHE WAS BLASTED BY PROGRESSIVES AND REPUBLICANS. SO, BIPARTISANSHIP! THEN, IN AN INTERVIEW WITH
LESTER HOLT, HARRIS STRUGGLED TO ANSWER THIS SIMPLE QUESTION:
>> DO YOU HAVE ANY PLANS TO VISIT THE BORDER? >> AT SOME POINT, WE ARE GOING
TO THE BORDER. WE HAVE BEEN TO THE BORDER,
SO THIS WHOLE-- THIS WHOLE-- THIS WHOLE THING ABOUT THE
BORDER, WE'VE BEEN TO THE BORDER. WE'VE BEEN TO THE BORDER. >> YOU HAVEN'T BEEN TO THE
BORDER. >> AND I HAVEN'T BEEN TO EUROPE. >> Stephen: "I HAVEN'T BEEN TO
EUROPE, LESTER-- JUST A RANDOM EXAMPLE FOR NO REASON. I HAVE NOT BEEN TO, I DON'T KNOW
ENGLAND, BRUSSELS, GENEVA, A CUSHY MEETING WITH THE G7 IN
CORNWALL ON JUNE 11. IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK TO HAVE
A SLICE OF PIZZA WITH THE QUEEN? I SUPPOSE SHE EATS PIZZA, WHAT
WITH KING ARTHUR'S ROUNDTABLE." THIS WAS NOT A GREAT ANSWER BY
HARRIS, BUT ALSO NOT A GREAT QUESTION BY LESTER. IF QUARANTINE TAUGHT US
ANYTHING, LESTER, IT'S THAT YOU DON'T NEED TO GO SOMEWHERE IN
PERSON TO WORK ON IT. THE V.P. MAY NOT HAVE VISITED
THE BORDER, BUT I'M SURE SHE'S MAKING A LOT OF PROGRESS WITH IT
OVER ZOOM. "BORDER, YOU'RE ON MUTE!"
REPUBLICANS ATTACKED HARRIS AND CALLED ON HER TO GET A FIRSTHAND
LOOK AT THE BORDER. YEAH, REPUBLICANS KNOW THAT'S
HOW YOU SOLVE ANY PROBLEM: YOU GO THERE FOR A PHOTO OP. IT'S LIKE THE KIDS SAY: PICS OR
YOU DIDN'T FIX. IN OTHER CENTRAL AMERICA NEWS,
EL SALVADOR JUST BECAME THE FIRST COUNTRY TO APPROVE BITCOIN
AS LEGAL CURRENCY. SO THEIR FINANCIAL SYSTEM SHOULD
BE ROCK SOLID, UNLESS ELON MUSK TWEETS THEIR FLAG AND A FROWNY
FACE. THIS MOVE "WILL MAKE THE CENTRAL
AMERICAN NATION THE FIRST IN THE WORLD WHERE BUSINESSES WILL HAVE
TO ACCEPT BITCOIN FOR GOODS AND SERVICES." THAT COULD BE TOUGH, CONSIDERING
HOW MUCH THE VALUE OF BITCOIN FLUCTUATES. <i> ( AS SHOPKEEPER )</i>
"OKAY, YOUR TOTAL COMES TO 5.75--<i>
( BLING )</i> OOPS! 45,612--<i>
( BLING )</i> LOOKS LIKE I OWE YOU A DOLLAR." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AT LEAST THE COUNTRY CAN REST ASSURED THAT THIS MASSIVE
ECONOMIC DECISION WAS MADE BY THE STEADY HAND THAT IS
EL SALVADOR'S PRESIDENT, NAYIB BUKELE WHO, AFTER MAKING
THE ANNOUNCEMENT, CHANGED HIS TWITTER PHOTO TO GIVE HIMSELF
BITCOIN LAZER EYES. BECAUSE THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO
INSPIRE CONFIDENCE IN YOUR COUNTRY'S FIAT CURRENCY THAN TO
GIVE YOURSELF MUTANT POWERS. THAT'S WHY THE U.K.'S
20-POUND NOTE FEATURES QUEEN ELIZABETH WITH ADAMANTIUM CLAWS. HERE IN THE UNITED STATES, WE'VE
GOT OUR OWN CONTROVERSIAL, OVERVALUED RESOURCE:
BILLIONAIRES. THERE'S A NEW REASON TO MAKE
THEIR SPACE TRIPS A ONE-WAY TICKET: YOU SEE, NEWLY LEAKED
I.R.S. DATA SHOWS THAT THE 25 RICHEST AMERICANS, INCLUDING
JEFF BEZOS, MICHAEL BLOOMBERG AND ELON MUSK, PAID LITTLE TO
NOTHING IN FEDERAL INCOME TAXES. WELL, THAT SHOULD MAKE FILING
EASY. INSTEAD OF ATTACHING THEIR W2s,
THEY JUST STAPLE ON A PICTURE OF THEIR LILY-WHITE ASS AND TELL
THE I.R.S. TO KISS IT. THIS IS PARTICULARLY GALLING
WHEN IT COMES O AMAZON C-E-EGG JEFF BEZOS, WHO IN 2007, PAID
NOTHING IN FEDERAL INCOME TAXES, EVEN AS HIS COMPANY'S STOCK
PRICE DOUBLED. THAT IS AN OUTRAGE! THE REVOLUTION STARTS TODAY! OKAY, WE NEED PITCHFORKS AND
SOME BANNERS! LET'S SEE WHAT WE HAVE HERE. WOW, FREE PRIME SHIPPING ON
SPIKED BASEBALL BATS. OOOH, WHILE I'M ON HERE, I'M OUT
OF NESPRESSO PODS. INSPIRATZIONE. WHAT DO I ORDER? WHAT'S THE PURPLE ONE? OKAY, GOOD. WHAT WAS I TALKING ABOUT? OH, RIGHT, RIGHT. NOW, IF YOU'RE WONDERING JUST
HOW MUCH NOTHING DID THESE BILLIONAIRES NOT PAY? IT WAS $13.6 BILLION IN FEDERAL
INCOME TAXES DURING A PERIOD WHEN THEIR COLLECTIVE NET WORTH
INCREASED BY $401 BILLION, WHICH IS A TRUE TAX RATE OF 3.4%. BUT, TO BE FAIR, THEY SPENT A
LOT OF THOSE SAVINGS ON CHARITABLE WORKS, LIKE BUILDING
GIANT FLYING PENISES. THE REASON THE ULTRA RICH CAN
DODGE THE I.R.S. IS BECAUSE OUR GOVERNMENT PUTS AN EMPHASIS ON
TAXING LABOR INCOME VERSUS WEALTH. AND MUCH OF THE WEALTHY'S WEALTH
LIES IN THINGS LIKE VACATION HOMES, YACHTS, AND SHARES IN
COMPANIES THEY RUN, WHICH AREN'T CONSIDERED TAXABLE INCOME. WHICH IS WHY SMART 8-YEARS-OLDS
ARE NOW DEMANDING THE TOOTH FAIRY PAY THEM IN TESLA STOCK. IN GLOBAL NEWS, YESTERDAY WAS
"WORLD OCEAN DAY," AND WE GOT A BIG GIFT THIS YEAR, BECAUSE
"NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC" RECOGNIZED A NEW FIFTH OCEAN! GREAT. NOW WE'LL NEVER FIND NEMO! LOOK, I'M SURE THIS IS
SCIENTIFICALLY IMPORTANT AND ALL, BUT COME ON SCIENCE, DID WE
REALLY NEED A NEW OCEAN? NOW I'M GOING TO FEEL OLD! I DON'T WANT TO TELL MY
GRANDKIDS, "I REMEMBER WHEN THERE WERE ONLY
FOUR OCEANS AND MOUNTAINS HAD GLACIERS! AND SOME OF DISNEYWORLD WAS
ABOVE WATER. NOW HAND ME THE FEEDING TUBE. IN THE FUTURE WE EAT OUT OF
TUBES IS WHAT I'M SELLING THERE. SO WE GOT THE ATLANTIC, PACIFIC,
THE INDIAN, THE ARCTIC, AND NOW, "THE SOUTHERN OCEAN." FOR SOMETHING SO WET, THAT NAME
IS KIND OF DRY. PLUS, THEY'RE MISSING A GREAT
SPONSORSHIP OPPORTUNITY HERE. DADDY COULD GET HIS LIL' PENGUIN
BEAK WET BY SELLING OFF THE NAMING RIGHTS! MAKE IT "THE OCEAN SPRAY!" OR
"THE PEP-SEA"! THE SOUTHERN OCEAN IS MADE UP OF
WHAT WERE PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS THE LOWER-MOST PARTS OF THE
ATLANTIC, PACIFIC, AND INDIAN OCEANS. OKAY, THAT'S JUST A CLASSIC REAL
ESTATE MOVE. I SEE WHAT YOU'RE PULLING. "IT'S A NEW NEIGHBORHOOD AROUND
ANTARCTICA THAT IS IRONICALLY VERY HOT THESE DAYS. IT'S THE SOUTHERN OCEAN, BUT
WE'RE CALLING IT "SO-O."" NOW THAT OUR NEW OCEAN IS
OFFICIAL, NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC SAID THEY WOULD PUT IT ON ITS
MAPS AND GLOBES. CLASSIC PLOY BY BIG GLOBE TO
PUSH PRODUCT. SAME REASON THAT EAST AND WEST
GERMANY REUNITED. NOW WE'VE ALL GOT TO BUY NEW
GLOBES AND THROW OUR OLD ONES IN THE OCEAN-- I'M SORRY, THE NEW
OCEAN. ANYWAY, IT IS A NEW OCEAN, AND I
WANT TO MAKE IT FEEL WELCOME HERE ON EARTH, SO I GOT
IT A SEA-WARMING GIFT: THIS EMPTY DASANI BOTTLE. IT'S TO HELP YOU GET STARTED ON
YOUR GARBAGE PATCH. AND THERE IT GOES! BYE! SEE YOU IN THE RIVER! AND, OF COURSE, A PRICELESS
NECKLACE WITH A TRAGIC ROMANTIC STORY ATTACHED TO IT. ♪ WHEREVER YOU ARE ♪
WE ALL REMEMBER A FEW YEARS BACK WHEN FORMER NEW YORK CONGRESSMAN
ANTHONY WEINER WAS ROCKED BY A TWITTER SCANDAL IN WHICH ANTHONY
SHOWED HIS WEINER. IT WAS THE MOST ON-THE-NOSE
POLITICAL SEX SCANDAL SINCE THE RESIGNATION OF NEW HAMPSHIRE
SENATOR "ALEXANDER SHEEP-FONDLER." WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE OLD TONY
WEINER IS HARD UP FOR CASH, BECAUSE WE JUST LEARNED THAT HE
MAY SELL HIS INFAMOUS "CROTCH SHOT" AS AN N.F.T. NOW, N.F.T. STANDS FOR
"NON-FUNGIBLE TOKEN" AND NOT, AS I ORIGINALLY THOUGHT,
"NON-FLOPPY TALLYWHACKER." BASICALLY, WEINER IS HOPING THAT
HAVING EXCLUSIVE RIGHTS TO HIS FAMOUS PHOTO WILL BRING IN TONS
OF CASH, WHICH MAKES SENSE. BECAUSE THE ONLY OTHER WAY YOU
COULD GET A PHOTO OF ANTHONY WEINER'S JUNK IS TO BE A TEENAGE
GIRL ON TWITTER. BUT THAT'S NOT THE PHOTO I WANT
TO TALK ABOUT. NO, IT'S THE PHOTO THAT THE "NEW
YORK POST" RAN WITH THEIR STORY, SHOWING ANTHONY WEINER IN A
T-SHIRT THAT SAYS "L.S.S.C.," WHICH STANDS FOR "THE LATE SHOW
WITH STEPHEN COLBERT"! COME ON, ANTHONY! CAN'T YOU WEAR ANY OTHER SHIRT? OR EVEN WEAR NO SHIRT AT ALL! WAIT A MINUTE. JIM, CAN YOU ZOOM IN? DAMMIT! YOU GOT IT TATTOOED? LOOK, ANTHONY, I KNOW YOU'RE
DOWN ON YOUR LUCK RIGHT NOW. YOU WOULD BE ON "ONLYFANS" IF
YOU ONLY HAD FANS. SO MAYBE YOU CAN'T AFFORD A
T-SHIRT, SO I'M GOING TO SEND YOU A NEW ONE, OKAY. THIS "JIMMY KIMMEL LIVE"
T-SHIRT, FREE OF CHARGE! AND AS ALWAYS, ON THE BACK IT
SAYS, "THE OFFICIAL TALK SHOW OF ANTHONY WEINER'S PENIS!"<i>
( LAUGHTER )</i> YOU'RE WELCOME, JIMMY! WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT. MY GUESTS ARE SAMUEL L. JACKSON
AND PADMA LAKSHMI. BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, DO
VACCINES MAKE YOUR BLOOD MAGNETIC? THE ANSWER MIGHT SURPRISE YOU,
BUT I HOPE IT DOESN'T. STICK AROUND! ♪ ♪ ♪
♪ ♪ ♪
