>> Stephen: WELCOME ONE AND
ALL. MONSIEUR AND MADAME, MR. AND
MRS. AMERICA, ALL THE SHIPS AT SEA TO "A LATE SHOW." I'M STILL YOUR HOST STEPHEN
COLBERT, AND I'M COMING TO YOU LIVE AFTER THE FINAL NIGHT TO
HAVE THE REPUBLICAN NATIONAL CONVENTION. AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S GOING
ON, BUT I'VE GOT CHILLS, I'VE GOT NAUSEA. IT'S EITHER THE ONSET OF COVID
OR SEEING 1,500 PEOPLE WITH NO SOCIAL DISTANCING, NO MASKS OR
TESTING PACKED ON TO THE SOUTH LAWN OF THE WHITE HOUSE. I KNEW REPUBLICANS LIKE VOTER
SUPPRESSION, DIDN'T KNOW THEY KICKED IT UP TO VOTER
EXTINCTION. THAT WAS A BIGGER CROWD THAN HE
GOT FOR THE INAUGURATION, ON THE PLUS SIDE. LET'S GET TO THE PREDICTABLE
CONCLUSION OF -- >> FRY 'EM LIKE BACON. I'M MIKE POMPEO. THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH
THE PRESIDENT! >> I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD, DAD. 'M OKAY. DON, JR. ALMOST SNORTED ME. >> I AM GOING TO MISS HIM. >> Stephen: OH WHAT AN
EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER WE HAVE BEEN ON THIS WEEK. WE LAUGHED, WE CRIED, WE THREW
UP A LITTLE IN OUR MOUTHS. I DIDN'T WATCH ANY OF LAST
NIGHT'S CONVENTION. THAT REALLY WAS THE HIGH LIGHT
OF THE WEEK. TONIGHT, I ALSO DID NOT WATCH
MOST OF IT. I DID WATCH DONALD TRUMP. HE IS THE PRESIDENT, AND AT THIS
POINT THE ENTIRE REPUBLICAN PARTY, BUT BEFORE THEY RELEASED
THE KRACKEN, AND REMEMBER THAT IS A WHOLE LOT OF KRACKEN. TRUMP GOT ININTRO FROM IVANKA
TRUMP. IVANKA TOUTED SOME OF THE
ACCOMPLISHMENTS SHE HELPED HER DAD ACHIEVE. >> I'VE WORKED ALONGSIDE THE
PRESIDENT AS HE SIGNED INTO LAW NINE PIECES OF LEGISLATION TO
COMBAT THE EVIL OF HUMAN TRAFFICKING. >> Stephen: AND THEN I WATCHED
HIM TELL ONE OF THOSE HUMAN TRAFFICKERS THAT HE WISHED HER
WELL. IVANKA SUMMED UP THE LAST FOUR
YEARS WITH A SIMPLE MESSAGE. >> WASHINGTON HAS NOT CHANGED
DONALD TRUMP. DONALD TRUMP HAS CHANGED
WASHINGTON. >> Stephen: SHE'S RIGHT,
ACTUALLY, AND THAT'S WEIRD. YOU SEE, THE PRESIDENCY
PROVERBALLY CHANGES THE OCCUPANT, IT MATURES THEM, AGES
THEM. LOOK WHAT EIGHT YEARS IN THE
WHITE HOUSE DID TO BARACK OBAMA. THE GUY ON THE LEFT LOOKS LIKE
HE SHOULD BE PERSUADING THE GUY ON THE RIGHT TO GIVE UP HIS CAR
KEYS. YOU CAN LIKE IT. AT THE HOME THEY HAVE GOLF
CARTS. BUT TRUMP DOESN'T DO ANY OF THE
STUFF THAT MATURES OR AGES YOU LIKE WORRYING ABOUT THE AMERICAN
TEAM OR FEELING RESPONSIBILITY FOR PROTECTING THEM OR EVIDENTLY
ANYTHING ELSE BECAUSE JUST LOOK AT HIS 2016 AND 2020 PHOTOS SIDE
BY SIDE. I GUESS IT'S TRUE WHAT THEY SAY,
TAXIDERMY DON'T CRACKS-A-DERMY. QUICK SIDE NOTE. IN ADDITION TO BEING THE FINAL
NIGHT TO HAVE THE R.N.C., THIS IS THE LAST EPISODE OF THE FIFTH
SEASON OF "THE LATE SHOW" WITH STEPHEN COLBERT. IT'S BEEN A GREAT FIVE YEARS,
AND THE LAST FIVE MONTHS IN PARTICULAR HAVE BEEN AN AMAZING
TEN YEARS. AND OVER THE LAST 964 EPISODES,
I'VE CHANGED JUST -- JUST A BIT. LOOKS LIKE I DRANK FROM THE
WRONG GRAIL. HELP! THE LAST FOUR YEARS ARE LIKE
TRUMP IS DORIEN GRAY AND WE'RE THE PICTURE! THEN TRUMP FINALLY MADE HIS
GRAND ENTRANCE FLANKED BY MELANIA IN A GREEN SCREEN DRESS. THAT IS SO GENEROUS OF HER TO
PROVIDE THE BLANK CANVAS, YOU CAN PUT ANYTHING IN THERE. STORMY DANIELS, THE CORONAVIRUS,
BLACK LIVES MATTER, WHATEVER, I REALLY DON'T CARE, DO YOU? THEN IT CAME TIME FOR THE
PRESIDENT TO DO HIS OFFICIAL DUTY --
>> I PROFOUNDLY ACCEPT THIS NOMINATION FOR PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( SNAP, SNAP ) >> Stephen: DID I HEAR
PROFOUNDLY ACCEPT? I PROFOUNDLY ACCEPT. THAT IS A SUPER WEIRD CHOICE OF
ADD VERB. I -- SEARCHINGLY THANK YOU. I WILL -- TIGHTLY WORK HARD TO
ABDOMINALLY EARN IT. THEN TRUMP REMINISCED ABOUT THE
WHITE HOUSE OF WHITE HOUSES PAST. >> PRESIDENT ABRAHAM LINCOLN
LOOKED OUT THESE VERY WINDOWS UPON A HALF-COMPLETED WASHINGTON
MONUMENT. FRANKLIN DELANO ROOSEVELT
WELCOMED WINSTON CHURCHILL, AND, JUST INSIDE, THEY SET OUR PEOPLE
ON THE COURSE TO VICTORY IN THE SECOND WORLD WAR. >> Stephen: AND RIGHT HERE AT
THIS PODIUM, ONE PRESIDENT BROKE THE LAW AND USED THE PEOPLE'S
HOUSE FOR A GO DESK CAMPAIGN EVENT. SO MUCH HISTORY. HE COULDN'T HELP BUT MICK A
PANDEMIC PROMISE. >> AND WE'LL PRODUCE A VACCINE
BEFORE THE END OF YEAR, OR MAYBE EVEN SOON SNORE MAYBE EVEN
SOONER, IT'S ALL DEPENDING ON THE RESULTS OF MY PILLOW GUY'S
EXPERIENCE WITH GINGER ROOT AND BLACK MARKET FORLOCO, GETS THE
IMPURITIES OUT. SPENT MOST OF THE TIME TAKING
POKES AT HIS OPPONENT. >> JOE BIDEN IS NOT A SAVIOR OF
AMERICA'S SOUL. HE IS THE DESTROYIER OF
AMERICA'S JOBS AND IF GIVEN THE CHANCE, HE WILL BE THE DESTROYER
OF AMERICAN GREATNESS. >> Stephen: WOW, FOR A SLEEPY
GUY WHO DOESN'T LEAVE HIS BASEMENT, BIDEY IS PRETTY
PRODUCTIVE. DID I SAY BIDEY? >> YES. >> Stephen: THAT'S THE POWER
COUPLE OF POWER MAN AND BIDEY. CHRIS CHRISTIE'S IN THE WINGS. OH, NO! WE CAN'T CUT INTO THE GOVERNOR! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, WE
HAVE TO GET OFF SO CORNED CAN COME ON OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. NOW YOU'RE WASTING TIME. POINT AT YOUR WATCH AGAIN, BIG
SHOT. OKAY, IT'S LATE, THESE PEOPLE
ARE WIDE AWAKE. THE POINT IS, I MAY NOT AGREE
WITH HIS DESTROYING AMERICAN GREATNESS POLICY, BUT YOU HAVE
TO ADMIRE BIDEN'S HUSTLE. IMPROBLEMABLY AND INACCURATELY
TRUMP BOASTED ABOUT HIS RECORD ON FIGHTING COVID. >> THANKS TO ADVANCES, WE HAVE
PIEO NEARED THE FATALITY RATE -- >> Stephen: YES, PIONEERED
BECAUSE THIS MANY PEOPLE HAVEN'T DIED SINCE COVERED WAGONS, THESE
PEOPLE DOWN HERE IN THE HIGH RISK ROWS KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT, RIGHT? TRUMP HAD SOME WEIRD PRAISE FOR
THE AMERICAN SPIRIT. >> AMERICANS ARE STEELING THEIR
SPINES, GRIT IN THEIR SOULS AND FIRE IN THEIR HEARTS. >> Stephen: QUICK NOTE, IF YOU
ARE EXPERIENCING SOUL GRIT OR FIRE HEART, PLEASE GET TESTED
FOR CORONAVIRUS. AND THEY SPOKE IN HUSHED AND
BORING TONES ABOUT AMERICA'S FOUNDERS. >> THESE PIONEERS DIDN'T HAVE
MONEY, THEY DIDN'T HAVE FAME. >> Stephen: DIDN'T NEED NO
CREDIT CARD TO RIDE THIS TRAIN. IT'S STRONG AND SUND AND CRUEL
SOMETIMES, BUT IF I JUST SAVE YOUR LIFE, IT'S A PROBLEM. TRUMP PAID TRIBUTE TO AMERICA'S
PAST. >> LEGENDS WERE BORN. WYATWYATT URP, ANNIE OAKLEY, DAY
CROCKETT AND BUFFALO BILL. >> Stephen: SHE PUT THE LOTION
IN THE BASKET, BUFFALO BILL, WONDERFUL A TAILOR HE MADE THIS
SUIT AND MY FACE. HE GOT ONE THING RIGHT. >> AMERICANS ARE EXHAUSTED. >> Stephen: YES, WE ARE AFTER
LISTENING TO YOU FOR 70 MINUTES, BUT AT LAST IT'S OVER. AFTER FOUR NIGHTS OF BONE
CHILLING NONSENSE FROM AMERICA'S TRASH BAGS LET'S REFLECT ON BIG
MOMENTS FROM OUR SEGMENT LOOK BACK AT ANGER. SO MANY QUESTIONS AROUND WHAT WE
WITNESSED LIKE HOW MUCH COKE DID CON, JR. DO BEFORE HIS SPEECH ON
MONDAY? SOME SAY A LOT. OTHERS SAY MUCH MORE. WELL, YESTERDAY DON, JR.
APPEARED ON TV TO DENY THAT HE WAS ON COCAINE WHICH IS ONE OF
THE SHORT SIGNS YOU'RE ON COCAINE. JUNIOR --
>> I SAW THE MAIN CONCERN WAS WHY WERE HIS EYES SO GLASSY. >> THEY STARTED DOING THIS
TRENDING THING -- DONALD TRUMP, JR. IS ON COCAINE! WHEN THEY CAN'T ATTACK THE
DELIVERY OR THE SUBSTANCE, THEY HAVE TO ATTACK SOMETHING. >> Stephen: DON, BASED ON YOUR
DELIVERY I WOULD SAY YOU'RE GOOD AT ATTACKING THE SUBSTANCE. JUNIOR DID HAVE AN EXCUSE FOR
HIS APPEARANCE. >> I GUESS THERE MUST HAVE BEEN
SOMETHING WITH THE LIGHTING. >> YES, THE LIGHTING. I THINK IT WAS REFLECTING OFF
THE MIRROR UNDER YOUR NOSE. BLAME THE LIGHTING IS ONE OF THE
LEAST PLAUSIBLE EXCUSES BECAUSE NO ONE ELSE LOOKED LIKE THEY
WERE TRYING TO SNORT THEIR WAY TO A PERUVIAN CITIZENSHIP. WE ALL SAW WHAT WE SAW. I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT THE
FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING THAT YOU HAVE A LIGHTING PROBLEM. NOW, ONE OF THE HIGHEST LOW
LIGHTS OF THE SECOND NIGHT WAS WHEN TRUMP STAGED A TV FRIENDLY
NATURALIZATION CEREMONY AT THE WHITE HOUSE. GOOD FOR THE NEW CITIZENS, GLAD
TO HAVE YOU, BUT IT'S COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER FOR TRUMP TO
WELCOME IMMIGRANTS, JUST LIKE MAHATMA GANDHI ENTERING A HOT
DOG EATING CONTEST. BUT THERE'S ONE PROBLEM WITH THE
CEREMONY AND IT'S SEVERAL OF THEM. IT'S PROBABLY A VIOLATION OF THE
HATCH ACT AND WE JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE IMMIGRANTS IN TRUMP'S
CEREMONY DIDN'T KNOW THEY'D APPEAR AT THE R.N.C. SO THEY
WERE CONNED BY DONALD TRUMP. CONGRATULATIONS. NOW YOU'RE AMERICANS. AS FAR AS I CAN TELL THE THEME
TO HAVE THE R.N.C. HAS BEEN FOR JOE BIDEN TO COME TO THE SUBURBS
TO HIRE M.O.13 AS YOUR BABY SITTER. ONE VIDEO WAS ESPECIALLY
FRIGHTENING. >> I'VE SEEN A LOT OF MODERATE,
A LOT OF PEOPLE CHANGING OVER BECAUSE OF EVERYTHING THAT'S
BEEN HAPPENING. THIS IS A TASTE OF BIDEN'S
AMERICA, THE RIOTING, THE CRIME. FREEDOM IS AT STAKE NOW AND THIS
IS GOING TO BE THE MOST IMPORTANT ELECTION OF OUR
LIFETIME. >> Stephen: WOW, THAT WAS A
FRIGHTENING IMAGE. LUCKILY, IT'S NOT FROM AMERICA
BECAUSE THE R.N.C. VIDEO SHOWING RIOTERS IS ACTUALLY SHOWING
SPAIN. I BELIEVE IT'S A SMALL TOWN OF
KENOSHA, WISCONSIN. MAYBE THIS WASN'T A BLUNDER. MAYBE THIS WAS AN INTENTIONAL
CHOICE BY THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN THAT WOULD HAVE EXPLAINED THEIR
LATEST ATTACK AD. >> JOE BIDEN WANTS TO LEAD OUR
COUNTRY, BUT JOE BIDEN WANTS CHAOS ON AMERICAN STREETS,
FOOTBALL WITH NO TACKLING. THE WORLD'S TINIEST PORTIONS,
AND SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW AND SAY HELLO TO YOUR NEW
UPSTAIRS NEIGHBOR. IF JOE BIDEN HAS HIS WAY, YOUR
BURGER WILL DRIVE THROUGH YOU. JOE BIDEN DOESN'T KNOW HIS TIME
IS UP, BECAUSE HE MELTED ALL THE CLOCKS. JOE BIDEN: WRONG FOR AMERICA,
INCORRECTO PARA ESPANA. ♪ ♪ ♪
>> Stephen: OLE! SHOULD I KILL TIME? WE HAVE A GREAT SHOW TONIGHT. MY GUEST IS FORMER NEW JERSEY
GOVERNOR CHRIS CHRISTIE. STICK AROUND.
