-Y'all give it up
for Dark Brandon. [cheers and applause] Thank you. I'm happy to be here.
Oh, real quick, Mr. President, I think you left some of your
classified documents up here. You can get them...
[laughter] Yeah. No, no, no,
don't give it to him. I'll put them in a safe place. He don't know
where to keep them. I'm just...
[laughter] Happy to be here, though.
Happy to be here. [laughter] -[speaking indistinctly] -Very happy.
Very happy to be here. So, it's a pleasure to be here amongst our country's
greatest leaders, distinguished
media organizations, both Property Brothers,
and Dr. Fauci. [laughter] If you see Fauci,
you take a picture with him -- that's your new booster shot. [laughter]
But y'all look good, though. I've been -- I've been watching
and looking around all night. Y'all look good.
You're dressed nice. You got the nice threads on.
You got the jewelry glistening. Look like everybody got a little
piece of that settlement money from Fox News. [laughter] And that's all I have to say
about that, because I'm not going to
have Dominion on my ass. I love Dominion -- matter of
fact, let me just say right now, my favorite voting machine
is Dominion Voting machines. [applause] When I go to the polls, I make sure it is
a Dominion machine that I use. If your election
needs the truth, put Dominion in your booth. [laughter]
That's... [applause] I ain't going to get sued. There's three people you don't
want to see in the courtroom -- that's Dominion, Cardi B,
or Gwyneth Paltrow. You're going to lose. [laughter and applause] Um. [chuckles] I'd like to thank Tamara Keith and the White House
Correspondents' Association for having me. Thank you for that. [cheers and applause] I'm well aware that
not everybody in this room knows who I am. So let's just address
the elephant in the room. I know what it is. Half this room
think I'm Kenan Thompson. [laughter] Other half think
I'm Louis Armstrong. [laughter] President Biden thinks I'm
the daddy on "Family Matters." [laughter] Nonetheless... I'm happy to be here
at this event amongst government officials
who speak to MSNBC, former government officials
who now work at MSNBC, and future government officials
who currently work at MSNBC. [laughter] An often overlooked purpose
of tonight's dinner -- you know, serious business -- an overlooked purpose
of tonight's dinner is to award scholarships
to students who have shown great
achievements in journalism. That's right.
[cheers and applause] These brave young souls
are the future of the industry. And I'd like to stop right now and congratulate tonight's
top scholarship recipient, Arizona State senior
George Santos. [laughter] [applause] Oh, yeah.
George couldn't be here tonight. He's auditioning
for "RuPaul's Drag Race." [laughter] That's my bad.
That's my bad. We say good luck to you, George. Sashay away. [laughter] And also,
speaking of drag queens, can we stop
with the grooming stuff? Can you stop talking about that? Drag queens are not at a school
to groom your kids. [cheers and applause] Stop it. And even if they were, most of them kids
going to get shot at school. It ain't no problem. [audience groans] Don't groan.
Pass legislation. [cheers and applause] Like they boos
are going to bother me. I'm like --
I'm like Mitch McConnell. I ain't got no soul. [laughter] It's a tumultuous time
in the media, though. We got layoffs everywhere -- BuzzFeed News, NPR, Axios,
"The Washington Post," ESPN. Paramount Global right now
is considering offers from Byron Allen and Tyler Perry
to purchase BET. That's how bad it is out there.
These companies are so broke they're giving BET back
to Black people. [laughter] Which, by the way, is not what
we meant when we said Black people wanted reparations. [laughter]
We meant cash. You can give it to us
in them Harriet Tubman $20s. [laughter] But tonight, we are all unified
under one thing, and that's scandal. [laughter] Scandals -- Scandals have been
devouring careers this year. The untouchable Tucker Carlson
is out of a job. [cheers and applause]
Yeah. Okay.
Some people celebrate it. But to Tucker's staff,
I want you to know that I know what you're feeling. I work at "The Daily Show,"
so I, too, have been blindsided by the sudden departure of
the host of a fake news program. [laughter] [applause] Tucker got caught up -- got caught up like that dude
from "Vanderpump Rules," text message stuff. I don't know what
"Vanderpump Rules" is about. I just watched it
a couple of times. My friends told me it's like
"BMF," but for white people. Or is that "Succession"? No, "Succession" is "Power"
for white people. No, Tucker Carlson
is power for white people -- No, that's white power.
You know what? Never mind.
Don't worry about that one. Don't --
Don't worry about that. We got to get Tucker
back on the air, Mr. President, because right now
there's millions of Americans that don't even know
why they hate you. [laughter] Fox claimed Dominion conspired with the Democrats
to rig the election. And the Democrats
should be flattered that they thought that
y'all were smart enough to rig an election. [laughter] Warnock needed a runoff
to beat a werewolf. [laughter] But it's not over for you.
Fox News. You still got bad -- more
bad news coming down the pike. That Smartmatic voting machine
lawsuit is coming. That's right.
Smartmatic is coming for you, And they want more money
than Dominion. Matter of fact,
let me just say right now, my favorite voting machine...
[laughter] ...is the Smartmatic
voting machine. If your election
needs the truth, put Smartmatic in your booth. [laughter] But I think it's fair
that we should give credit where credit is due. Tucker Carlson is the first host
to get fired from Fox News for something that's
only partially about how he treats women. That's progress. He shattered
the asshole ceiling. [laughter] Speaking of assholes,
Don Lemon is out of a job. [laughter and applause] [applause] Don Lemon.
My dawg Don Lemon. Don Lemon released a statement
saying he got fired from CNN. Then CNN released a statement saying that they offered
Don a meeting. They had to part ways
because Don Lemon can't even accurately report
a story about Don Lemon. [laughter] I still think that
Don deserved more, CNN. That ain't how
you fire somebody. It's messed up. How funny is it
that you work in the news, then watch on the news that you got fired
from the news? Don Lemon is now
the most obnoxious guy in the history of CNN. That's not fair. Even Jeffrey Toobin
looking at Don Lemon like, "Ohh, he rubbed me
the wrong way." [laughter] [laughter] Letting Don go
was the wrong move. You shouldn't have let him go,
not this soon, CNN. First off, Don was fine when
y'all was letting him drink. You shouldn't have
cut off his liquor. You don't fire your host after
the first couple of scandals. Let the scandals --
the scandals got to stack up. You got to get you--
got to get ratings. Yes. Don Lemon was a diva and he said a couple of women
are raggedy in the face, but that's a promotion
at Fox News. [laughter] But I ultimately understand
why CNN did what they did. I get it.
It's about morals. There should be no place on air for someone who speaks
with wild disregard and doesn't consider
the blowback to their coworkers
or their company. Thankfully, CNN has taken steps
in the right direction. They got rid of Don Lemon, and they've now given a show
to Charles Barkley. [laughter] To Charles Barkley's co-host,
Gayle King, we say good luck.
[laughter] I think it's going
to be a good show. The whole show is going
to be Charles Barkley saying something crazy, then Gayle King
looking into the camera. "Charles. Charles." [laughter] Scandals --
that's what connects us. So many scandals. The King of Scandals,
President Donald Trump. And for --
And for just for a moment, can we just all acknowledge,
can we just all be honest and just say
that the Trump arrest didn't hit like
we thought it was going to hit? We're so desensitized
to scandals now, that Trump arrest, it didn't do what I thought
it was going to do. The Trump arrest
was like a pot brownie you ate four hours ago, and you're like,
"Hm, do I feel justice? This don't feel like justice."
[laughter] "Mm. Let me try one of them
Georgia arrangement brownies. Maybe that'll help. Okay, that one's --
that's got some kick to it." [chuckles]
Can't follow Trump scandals. There's too many Trump scandals
to keep up with. Keeping up with Trump scandals is like watching
"Star Wars" movies. You got to watch the third one
to understand the first one, then you got --
you can't miss the second one because it's got Easter eggs
for the fifth one. Donald Trump
is the only politician whose scandals got spin-offs
on Disney+. [laughter] But the Trump arrest -- it made everybody question
what they believe. You thought you leaned one way
politically, then Trump got locked up. Everybody started waffling. Put Republicans between
a rock and a hard place. Donald Trump got locked up,
and for years, all Repub-- all y'all been saying for years,
"We got to get tough on crime." Trump got arrested --
"We meant Black crime." [laughter] Same thing
with the liberals, too. Liberals was all confused
after Trump got arrested. "We got to abolish prison." "Trump got arrested." "Bring back Rikers!" [laughter] I don't know about y'all,
but for me, the easiest scandal to follow
was the Trump document scandal. That was the one
that was easy to follow. It was simple --
there's some stuff that's supposed to be
in the White House that ain't. [laughter] And the media --
y'all did y'all's job. Y'all jumped on that story. As soon as
the Trump document story broke, everybody was down
in Mar-a-Lago. "We're reporting live
from the documents, and we're going to find them." And then we found out
Joe Biden had documents, too. And it was like,
"Oh, it's not a big deal." [laughter]
"It's not a big deal. Everybody got documents.
Everybody got documents. Mike Pence has some documents.
Who care about a -- Oh, look, a Chinese spy balloon.
Would you look at that?" [laughter] "Ooh!" [cheers and applause] Well done, media. Happy to be here.
Very happy to be here. [laughter] If there's one person
that could use a scandal, it's Ron DeSantis. That boy is just running around,
just passing every controversial law
he can think of, thinking that's going to
activate voters. That's not how you activate
voters in this country, Ron. Everybody know
how you do politics. This is America.
We don't pass laws. You make a promise to voters... and then you don't do it. [laughter] That's what the great leaders
in this room understand. You know how to make
things not happen. [laughter] The only thing -- The only thing
Ron DeSantis has done that I got to
give him credit for -- this boy done got people
riled up over stuff
they can't understand. Don't nobody -- They don't know
what critical race theory is. Get these people riled up
about something that they can't even define,
like crypto or NFTs. Ask any Republican
that's anti-CRT. Ask any Republican
to try and explain CRT. They sound like a Democrat
trying to explain the charges against Trump. [laughter] "It's bad everywhere.
We just got to stop it. We got to stop it.
We got the files. We got files. We'll be right back.
I'm Rachel Maddow. I have files." [laughter] When Rachel Maddow get them
files on you, it's a wrap. [laughter] I think, Republicans,
y'all would be surprised, man. If y'all would just be real
about what CRT is, you'd be surprised. Some Black folks might --
might meet you halfway. But you got to tell the truth.
You can't lie to Black people. Call it what it is. Anti-CRT policies are an attack
on Black history and an attempt to erase
the contributions of Black people
from the history books. [cheers and applause] That's what it is. You are trying to erase
Black people, and a lot of Black people
wouldn't mind some of that erasure as long as that Black person
is Clarence Thomas. [laughter] A billionaire named Harlan Crow. is flying Clarence Thomas
all over the world on unreported trips,
like an Instagram model, taking Clarence...
[laughter] ...to the Maldives
and the beaches and all. Paid for his mama's house --
this billionaire -- paid for Clarence Thomas
mama's house. I got to -- I got to give it up
to billionaires. Billionaires, boy, y'all --
y'all are relentless. Y'all -- Y'all always come up
with something new to buy. [laughter] Like, just when you think
of everything you could buy on Earth, a billionaire will come up
with a new thing. Y'all bought space rockets.
You bought Twitter. This man bought
a Supreme Court Justice. [laughter] Do you understand
how rich you have to be to buy a Supreme Court --
a Black one on top of that? [laughter] There's only two in stock. [laughter] And Harlan Crow owns
half the inventory. [laughter] We can all see Clarence Thomas, but he belongs
to billionaire Harlan Crow. And that's what an NFT is. [laughter] [applause] [chuckles] [applause] Everybody's got some scandals,
though. Despite the challenging times
we live in, I look around this room and I see people
that are hardworking. Many of you, I don't even think
you should be working that hard. We should be inspired
by the events in France. They rioted
when the retirement age went up two years to 64. [cheers and applause] They rioted because they didn't
want to work till 64. Meanwhile, in America,
we have an 80-year-old man begging us for
four more years of work. [laughter] Begging. Begging. [laughter and applause] "Let me finish the job." That's not a campaign slogan.
That's a plea. [laughter] "Just let me finish it.
Let me finish it." [laughter] I do --
I do wish you the best of luck on the campaign trail,
Mr. President. You got a lot of things that you're
going to have to navigate, a lot of hurdles. You've had quite a few scandals. You know, we know
about the documents, we know about the laptops,
but there's been no scandal more damaging
than the scandal of, is Joe Biden awake? [laughter] Mm. Hey, say what you want
about our president, but when he wakes up
from that nap, work gets done. [laughter] He might doze off, but -- "Mm! Infrastructure bills. Mnh! Mm!
Student loan forgiveness. Mm. Did we free Brittney Griner?
Free Brittney Griner." [mumbling] [laughter] But I think
the most insulting scandal to fall to the feet
of the Biden administration was placed at the feet
of our Madam Vice President -- the scandal of,
what does Kamala do? Which is a disrespectful
question. That's a disrespectful question
because nobody ever asked that question
of the vice president until a woman got the job. [cheers and applause] Nobody asked... [cheers and applause] I don't know
what Mike Pence did. The only thing
I know about Mike Pence is that he's really good
at playing hide-and-seek at the Capitol. [laughter] You got to be crafty
to catch Mike Pence in that Capitol, baby. He know
all the nooks and crannies. [laughter] Don't put the camera on her
on a Mike Pence joke. Don't do that.
[laughter] Don't be set --
They trying to set you up, Madam Vice President. You see what they're doing? At the end of the day,
as a vice president, the only thing --
the only thing you got to do is just be better than
Dick Cheney. That's the bar.
Just be better than Dick Cheney. They made a documentary
about Dick Cheney. Now, I don't know much about
the job of vice president, but I do know
if they can make a documentary about your time
as vice president, you vice-presidented
incorrectly. [laughter] And if a VP's job is really
just waiting to step in to save the country
in case of emergency, then the job of vice president
is the perfect job for a Black woman --
shouldn't be, but it is. And whatever you do accomplish,
whatever you do accomplish, all they're going to do is just
give a man credit for it. Anything you do -- oh, the immigration stuff
you done knocked out, you got all this banking, and you got the Internet
down there. You're taking care of all
this postpartum stuff. They just going to give
a man credit for what you done. By the way, Mr. President, great job at being the first
woman vice president of color. I don't even know
how you did that part. [applause] Wonderful job. Happy to be here. [laughter] But tonight --
tonight is all about you all, the journalists,
the defenders of free speech, the people who show truth to the
world through different mediums, through television,
through print, through radio, through whatever China
let us see on TikTok. [laughter] But the industry that covers
all of these scandals isn't immune to them theirself. The issue with good media is that most people
can't afford that. All the essential
fair and nuanced reporting -- it's all stuck behind a paywall. People can't afford rent. People can't afford food,
not healthy food. They can't afford
an education. They damn sure can't afford
to pay for the truth. Say what you want about
a conspiracy theory, but at least it's affordable. I mean, well,
unless you're Alex Jones -- it'll cost you
about $900 million. [laughter] And I understand that we have to
put the stuff behind the paywall because creating the truth
is important. People can't afford the truth. But you all can't afford
to go find the truth for free. The work you do
as journalists is important. It's essential.
It's dangerous. My father was an embedded
reporter on the front lines with Black platoons in Vietnam. He was in
the South African Soweto riots. He covered that. [applause] The civil war in Rhodesia, which we know today
as Zimbabwe -- my father came back home and co-founded
the National Black Network because he wanted
to tell Black stories. [applause] So American Urban Radio Networks
now -- and they've been
doing it 50 years -- and that's part of what
my father wanted to build, you know? [applause] And I know it was hard because,
you know, Black daddies love telling you when something
was difficult. [laughter] "They were shooting at me, boy. But I never dropped
my tape recorder." [laughter] My daddy'd tell war stories
like Brian Williams. [laughter] Alright, Lester Holt
didn't laugh at that one. Okay...
[laughter] Good journalism costs --
that's the truth of the matter. Good journalism
costs the people, but it also costs
the journalists. It could even cost you
your freedom. We talked about Evan
of "The Wall Street Journal" sitting in a Russian prison
as we speak on espionage charges...
[applause] ...which --
espionage charges, by the way, that's the foreign equivalent
of saying someone fits the description. Evan and hundreds
of journalists -- they're imprisoned
all over the world simply for doing their job. And we got to defend
brave journalists. Most of the national stories
in this country at some point
were first a local story. [applause] And... [applause] Those stories are championed
by reporters at outlets that --
many of them have now folded. And if we can't figure out
a way to pay local reporters, then as a country,
we're only left with that many more blind spots
to where the bull is happening. [cheers and applause] You hear about all these
newsrooms getting cuts -- that's every article
that Tamara has been sending me the last two months -- is just the newsroom
is getting cut. We're cutting people.
We're cutting budgets. But you never hear about the
multimillion-dollar executives reducing their salaries
within these organizations. [cheers and applause] Now, how do we fix this? I don't know. I'm a comedian.
I was just up here. [laughter] It's not my job to have
the solution -- that's on y'all. [laughter]
But reporting is very important. My mother is here tonight. [cheers and applause]
And... I know she's furious right now because I'm trying
to put her on camera. But my mother
was amongst a group of Black student protesters
fighting for equality in the '60s
at Delta State University. And... [cheers and applause] And that was a dangerous time. But those types of incidents
were covered by local reporters. And some of the shame that came
from the national embarrassment of treating people inhumanely
is part of the pressure that helped to create
that type of change. What would have become
of my mother and those other protesters if a local journalist
wasn't there telling the story? [cheers and applause] And now is no different. But thankfully,
my mother's story was told. She got to complete her degree
at Delta State and continued on
to Florida A&M and got another degree, and then, for the last 45 years, has worked at
a Historically Black College as an educator
and an administrator. And... [cheers and applause] One of
those many Black colleges that need
a little bit more funding. You got a $20 on you, Joe?
You... Send that down
to one of the Black colleges. To my mom, I say thank you for everything
you've done for me and for helping countless
students in Birmingham have the opportunity to see
a college degree and to see an opportunity
to grow, you know? [applause] [cheers and applause] My mother's journey
may not have even begun if not for brave journalists who chose to chronicle
history in real time. And I don't know how
to ever repay my mom for what she's done for me and what she's done for
so many people in Alabama. But just know, Mama, if -- if a white billionaire call you
and offer to buy your house, please sell it. [laughter] Because I might want
to become an NFT. Thank you so much to
the Correspondents' Association. Thank you so much
to Tamara Keith. Thank you all so much.
Good night. [cheers and applause]
