Roy Wood Jr.: Father Figure - Full Special

look I'm probably not gonna live long enough to teach you everything you need to know so let's just run through a couple things real fast number one I need you to treat women with respect always even if you think you're right be respectful number two don't mix white and dark liquor that's how you end up in the back of a police car speaking of which get you a white friend black man with white friends a 38 less likely to be shot by the police are you listening you just gonna stare at me you're just gonna stay that's what you're gonna do I'm gonna put this on video for you and when you're old enough you come back and watch it deal all right deal thank you Frederick Douglas [Applause] but if we get rid of the Confederate flag how am I going to know who the dangerous white people are I'm just saying the flag had a couple upsides let's just be real about it ain't saying keep it around but I grew up in the South I can't tell you how many times the Confederate flag came in handy to stop him for gas at a strange place at two in the morning you see that flag hanging from the window you know this is not the place to get gas and just keep it moving what's the rush to get rid of the flag especially if you white if you're white you should want to keep the flag for a little while longer so at least black folks to know you cool because if you're writing you're not an that's the one thing that helps us identify you you get rid of that flag to figure out a way to know who the cool white people cool white people we just got to start giving y'all wristbands or handstands just something you can show in a dark alley let us know you down with the struggle that'd be cool Give Me Your Money white dude like whoa I'm so sorry come on hand on folks talking about they wear the Confederate flag they ain't racist that's fine just know that it's a dark alley I ain't got time to ask you no questions I see that flag it just is what it is you wear a particular garment you just got to accept the fact that you were going to be assumed to be part of a particular organization that's just what it is I love the color blue I love wearing blue but the Crips have informed me that maybe I should wear blue all the time because the games don't mess around they still don't want you wearing any colors you can't wear the blue which make me mad damn brother I'm 38 years old at what point can I wear blue again sir you know I obeyed all the game rules in my 20s I didn't wear your colors but I'm grown at this point if I want to put on a blue shirt I should be able to put on the blue shirt if I want a blue shirt but they don't do that the Crips get in your face yeah what Hood you claiming boy what hood you know sir I'm claiming adulthood okay that's my hood now the Blazer on this everybody's so bad I had a Blazer on on top of my blue shirt what makes you think of it what game you know put a Blazer on before they start murdering who you know even if I am a obviously I'm a supervisor you're out of line I will write your ass up Atlanta what's going on how y'all doing man y'all good oh yeah thank you a lot man love the South man I'm from Birmingham man that's good yeah yeah Birmingham in here I love the South man you know South we got some tension we got our issues you know I talked to my uncle about it you know my uncle first thing we need to do is get rid of the n-word my uncle don't like the n-word my uncle Derek hate the n-word we trying to my uncle trying to quit the n-word the way people try to quit cigarettes a little bit at a time it's a word ain't no Cravings either you say it or you don't [Applause] I'm not gonna be calling me every week with updates I only said it four times [Applause] four times now Sunday's my cheat day because I watch football I got to sing it I got to say it on Sunday grown man dropper first down I got to call him the n-word that's just what it is and that's my thing with the n-word like like at this point black folks like if we trying to get stuff done politically in this country we we we inching we're doing we inching we inching but at this point I think it's time for us to schedule a meeting with gay people because gay people get way more done than us they don't mess around gay people shut down they want something to go away it's gone they don't fool around man every week is five six new words you can't call gay people black folks we've been working on the n-word since 1804. you can't get one word out the American vocabulary date people up to 37 words we need to go to Panera and have a meeting with gay people and have a soup and salad and figure this out [Applause] that's how you figure out your issues over soup and salad you can't even say gay no more that's how good gay people are the only word left to address gay people by you better not fumble that word in the sentence that's your ass you use gay in the wrong context at work and see if you don't have to go talk to Sylvia and HR HR be on your ass immediately because you Mumble gay one time the wrong way you was by yourself when you said you still got in trouble it's not like he was walking through the cubicles telling gay jokes he was in the break room he was alone and your chips got stuck and you cussed that don't mean you're a bad person you was just hungry and you say anything when you're hungry every man in this room we've all been through it them chips get stuck at the top of the machine and you try to jostle the machine a little bit the chips don't fall and nobody got changed for a dollar so you can buy two packs give me the chips you gay ass machine seal the aligned to Sylvia line two security to the break room security to the breaker that's it you gone because you caught some chips gay but that's the power of the gay agenda they figured out a way to influence the political process of this country to make sure that their issues are at least heard even if people don't get the bills passed they at least listen to them and that's what I'm trying to tell my uncle you don't like the n-word man you want to get rid of the n-word this is all you got to do start calling gay people it'll be gone tomorrow listen I don't like it either all right but that's the best idea I got right now okay at least that's what I'm gonna teach my son I'm a father figure I got to show him the right way they try to divide us on television you know but there's a lot of people that aren't black that's standing on the right side of issues that affect us I appreciate those folks you know we don't get highlighted enough plenty of people out there that care about black stuff I haven't seen them man I went to I went to a black history museum I had a white tour guide hey it threw me off for a second I turned to the brother that was on the tour with me is this the dude he gonna do it was a white dude it was a white dude telling me about my and he was good I was trying to hate on him by the end of the tour I was like yo bro you did your thing man straight up fam you do what you do hey real quick let me give you one of these wristbands real quick yeah put that on face to go down you want to wear that wristband you got to respect a white person work at a Black History Museum you gotta respect that that was a choice he white he could work anywhere he chose a black history museum you know that job interview was a son of a how many extra questions did he have to answer because you black and old it ain't to work the Civil Rights Museum you just walk in uh that's me on the picture you filling out paperwork for you on the wall but if you white you know they just grilling that dude asking them all kinds of questions they had nothing to do with black history all in that dude face paperwork looks good everything checks out real quick uh at what temperature do you deep fry catfish [Applause] 350 that's what okay that's more [Applause] I know some folks got a problem with that you don't want a white person at Black History Museum I understand that here's the thing I'm not saying they better than a black tour guide I think a black tour guide or the Civil Rights Museum I think they're better equipped to speak on the experience because they might have lived that life they can speak to certain exhibits from a perspective that nobody else can I just think if you go to a black history museum you got a black tour guide you need to go in the morning while he's still in a good mood [Applause] that brother is stressed you can't walk around slavery all day for eight hours and not cuss at somebody somebody getting close you got to catch him at 9am he just finished that McGriddle how y'all doing my name is Charles it's my pleasure to take you on this journey look at these exhibits right here black history of American History come look at the exhibits you think that brother gonna be in a good mood at 4 30 he been staring at slavery [Applause] I do liable to cuss out everybody look at this come look what you've done to us look what you've done to us look what you get your ass out my museum you go to the gift shop it's just people crying that's horrible okay my thing is this man it don't matter we may not agree on the problems we might not agree on the solutions but we got to agree that something's wrong something's wrong in America something is definitely wrong it's black people standing on the freeway that is not normal black behavior that is a byproduct of a desperate situation where you're trying to bring attention to an issue that is these protests happen fast man and Justice happens fast so the demand for justice has to be even quicker and I get it and that's the thing with being black now these protests happen anytime they catch you off guard you got to be ready I was at Red Lobster in New York [Applause] you know I'm just chilling I'm eating a cheddar baked biscuit good day I come out the door it's a wave of black people coming down the street and this is the thing with being black man like if you see a bunch of black people protesting you are now also protested that's in it I don't know what you have planned today but you walking you just got to merge in as soon as I came out of Red Lobster this dude was in my face it's you with us brother yeah I went in to get y'all some cheddar face [Music] this is one of them biscuits man we got a long way to walk you got to have your simple starch protests happen fast one protests happen fast you know when that stuff first started happening you know somebody got fired somebody lost their job because of that because that's such a radical way to express displeasure with a with a broken system you know to literally just walk down the on-ramp of a freeway that's not normal like that's so crazy like I guarantee you when all this freeway stuff started to happen I guarantee you some people lost their job because their boss didn't believe ain't no way your boss believed you when you said it was a wall of black folks on the freeway it's outrageous I guarantee you somebody lost a job somebody had to go in and explain to their boss you know a wall of negroes Turner what's your excuse that's time sir you're not gonna believe this here [Applause] it was a wall of negroes up on the freeway that's not how black people protest Turner get the hell out of that that's not the worst part the worst part is that that dude got fired then he had to go to the new job and put down reason for leaving the old job there ain't enough room in that application ain't enough room to write in and a wave of black people you can't write that in so I'm looking at your paperwork kids is uh that you were you had an issue with being on time at your last job you care to share with me why you were late at your last job [Applause] ain't gonna believe this here it was a wave of negroes on the freeway okay and how did how did that how did that style of protest make you feel well I tell you how it made me feel it was a little inconvenient but at the end of the day as a society we should focus more on what people protest instead of how people protest I couldn't agree with you more didn't agree with you more tell you what you're hired Welcome to the Black History Museum you're on the team something's wrong man just don't be one of these people that's surprised that black folks got issues then the people I can't deal with I'd rather talk to somebody that don't agree with me than somebody has had their eyes closed how did you know black people why are black people angry we've been angry this ain't new you think this just happened last couple of years black folks been trying to tell y'all forever that they've had some issues and we sat we invented the Blues but more of a sign that you need we literally invented an entire genre of music based on sadness that's how sad we we the blues was created here that is an American art form that is not native Africa do you go listen to Old African music this has happened cause we was free all right every old Africans are here to freedom in Africa as soon as we got off the slave ship [Applause] we've been sad how the hell are you surprised you're not patriotic the black people don't like the national anthem anymore ain't no shock to you man you want to know what black folks feel and just listen to their music our music tell you everything that's going on in the black psyche it's a beautiful Telegram and nowhere in the history of black music is there a hit patriotic song I mean what we do I mean we'll cover a song but like we don't write no original patriotic song black artists ain't never because we got a conflicted relationship with the country you can't write no honest patriotic song you got to lead that the white artist they ain't had a good time he had a good time in America you're damn right you should be writing the Patriotic and I'm proud to be in America maybe serious You couldn't possibly expect that level of patriotism from a race of people that have so many issues you can't it's not realistic black people don't we don't sing about America we sing about specific cities where you can have a good ass time that's what we do we're going to talk about the country we can tell you where the party at though we can do that look I can't tell you nothing about America but let me tell you about the city where the heat is on all night on the beach to the early Mall welcome to Miami that's what you got to go if you have been to California oh my God boy you got to go down to California boy boy California knows how to party the city of L.A the city of good old watch and the city of Compton they keep it rocking write that down I'm trying to tell you you keep it rocking black people don't do patriotism maybe George on my mind that's the closest we probably come maybe that maybe that that's a good song it's warm it's about the country Ray Charles George on my mind good song Black the key word next song is on my mind Ray Charles was just thinking about Georgia he didn't tell you to go there [Applause] George is like every other part of the South it's got some Pockets you should not be in after dark if you'd have asked Ray Charles to be more specific on where in Georgia to go Peter said go to Atlanta where the players play and they ride on them things like every day my uncle Derek trying to shut me down on them yeah what about James Brown Living in America that's patriotic Jane Brown singing about America is original and he black Living in America [Music] it's a good song but keep it real man James Brown wrote that song for Rocky IV and as soon as he finished singing it Apollo Creed died in the ring it's a sad song it's a sad song how can you hear Living in America and I think about Apollo Creed just Fallen lifeless to them Michael B Jordan lost his daddy that day [Applause] if anything Living in America is not patriotic it's the opposite it's a secret message to black people James Brown is one of the most masterful musicians to ever walk this Earth to it's a brilliant song that song ain't got nothing to do with America that entire song Living in America is a secret message to black folks all y'all do listen to the end of the song very end of Living in America all James Brown do is just start naming cities that's it enter the song Living in America naming safe places for black folks yes he wrote a song about America and then at the end told black people specifically where to go rent an apartment he was just Living in America but only here on the Detroit and Pittsburgh New York City Kansas City don't go nowhere else [Applause] love black music man hit you you know that's why I have that's why I have a hard time going to see civil rights movies I have to go see civil rights movies in the middle of the day so nobody can see me crying because the movie's behaving you man civil rights movies get me with that negro humming oh my God I break down you know every civil rights movie just got that scene where it's just some humming [Music] you tell me that don't break you down in the middle of a civil rights movie just that humming there don't even be nothing serious happening on screen I'd be crying it's just a dude putting butter on a Whopper [Music] [Applause] wouldn't it civil rights movies get me all the time man they get me with the humming and then they always make black people fall in slow motion yo every civil rights movie black person follows so why you got to slow down my pain just play it at regular speed anytime a black person following the Civil Rights movie they fall then they do that double bounce in the dirt and the dirt come up get out of here [Music] don't do that to me most powerful civil rights movie scene of all time is Selma I can name the scenes when Oprah Winfrey got slapped let's do slapped the fire that was the second time not the first time she got slapped second time this dude slapped Oprah Winfrey so hard she fell in slow motion and there was negro humming I left the theater I couldn't even tell you how to move in if it's too powerful I'm on my emotions first of all Oprah couldn't have known she was getting slapped she didn't know she didn't know she was getting slapped that dude that was that was a for Duvernay that was the director she made that choice it's a good ass director Ava Duvernay went up to that actor between scenes okay we love what you're doing okay we're getting a lot of good stuff from you we're just gonna change it up this scene okay this time this time Oprah's gonna come over okay she's gonna do her lines and Oprah she finishes her lines you slap the out slap open [Applause] does open up don't do what I tell you I'm even doing that slap open Oprah came over that dude man you can see it in her face she didn't know that that slap was coming we ain't leaving till we get our rights [Music] [Applause] foreign the thing about this country is this we're all Americans people love to say that that's the first thing people want to say when it's when there's some tension oh we're all Americans you're American American what the hell I would just be out on my hurricanes yeah we are we all Americans but we live in two different Americas that's what it is people forget that people forget how stressful it is to be black man being black yo it's a job you gotta clock in every day okay nobody cover your shift for black it's exhausting some days it's literally exhausting to be that's why there's no black ghost because we tired okay black folks are so tired we don't even have the strength to come back from the dead we just we'd rather nap I don't think everybody that doesn't understand what we go through is necessarily racist or bigoted that's a far jump it's a lot of folks that just straight up don't know what it's like you got to educate them you got to educate them on the kind of America you live in I go to Best Buy and give the dude some straightening straighten his ass out yeah I'm straightening dude at Best Buy gonna decide I don't need a bag with my purchase you just have an iPhone case I figure you could just pop that open I don't know ain't popping you'd put it in the bag I need that in the back what do you need a bag for I understand what you need a bag it's wasteful recycle don't you care about the Earth oh so this has nothing to do with the Earth I'm a black man in America I gotta leave this store with a bag bruh it's about safety I'm black I don't get the luxury of just walking out with in my hand that is a roll of the dice that is a horrifying day if I don't know not only do I need that bag I need that receipt and staple it to the outside I don't want to receive my hand you stable my receipt to the outside like Chinese carryout and I hold it up in the air I lying here Hakuna Matata an iPhone case out of Best Buy and it's not his fault he just didn't understand he thought he was saving the Earth but he was saving a life that's what he was doing this has nothing to do with the recycling man because see you might be a cool person he might the cashier might be a cool ass dude but we don't know what the security guard has been through up front how come prancing out to Best Buy with this naked ass iPhone case in my hand and here comes security excuse me sir did you pay for that oh yeah I got the receipt he going for a gun we all Americans just different Americas black folks we also gotta we gotta try are you saying we're going to do it but we got to try sometimes to get the benefit of the doubt sometimes everything ain't racist about two percent it's about two percent that ain't racist you got to recognize that two percent I was in McDonald's this dude was cussing everybody out swole up as racism I walk in this fast food spot this dude cussing everybody this is the thing I deserve to be cussed out they do they deserve a good every now and then because the thing they do now some of these fast food spots they love to charge you for sauce when you get nuggets you know you want an extra sauce with your nuggets it's gonna be you want another sauce brother it's gonna be 25 cents how are you charging for sauce bro that's I want two sauces well I need a quarter it ain't your sauce just slide that across the counter sitting here arguing with a grown man about two ounces of sauce that don't even belong to you it'd be different if this was a mom-and-pop restaurant and Special Sauce and she's making it in the basement but this is sauce from a factory it's in a box it's not like your register gonna come up short two honey mustards man just give me the sauce you ever beat the guardian of the sauce this dude is serious and got a different color shirt from everybody else at work so now he arrogant well you know brother I'm supervisor now I should know if it was up to me I would give you another sauce it is up to you it's on your side of the counter I just want two sauces without paying for them that's all I want but I walked in this spot man this dude was cussing out the whole store was racism and I'm not saying that racism wasn't one of the causes for him getting bad service I'm just saying he jumped to that conclusion a little fast he didn't go through the progressions he ordered a six-piece nugget it was five nuggets in the Box and I didn't even know even know what's going on I'm texting as soon as I walk in the door I'm texting I hear this dude I hit this dude over in the cut I hear this dude go I kill everybody in this [Applause] you know that that gave me pause he said he'll kill everybody in this but I already had a foot in the door am I technically in this y'all can pull this foot out and go to Arby's it ain't that deep [Applause] well it was racism man y'all stole my died of white folks white folks don't want us to have oh my nugget then they're gonna turn to me you see this brother you seek the government it's our nuggets today it's our children's nuggets tomorrow [Applause] and I'm trying to reason with the dude I'm like you sure they stole the Nugget they stole it that's that's what you're gonna roll with out the gate just off the top stolen because you know sometimes they might have forgot something you know sometimes the Nuggets be stuck together you got to go through the progressions he might have a double nugget check and see if you got the double nuggets it's good luck you get the double nuggets you biked that one first [Applause] ain't no double nugget white boxes stolen if I was white I'd have got seven nuggets that's what I backed off I'm like I can't help this dude I'm like look bro I know you mad and there's a lot of racial tension in the world but this ain't racism this is a fast food spot at two o'clock in the morning them folks back there can't count to six [Applause] you want six nuggets you need to order a four piece and a two-piece that's how you trick they ass and get two sauces for free obviously I like fast food employees I appreciate the fact that fast food employees are rude I like it at least it's from the heart because people too nice now you go out to these stores everybody hey how you doing are you thank you for choosing us you think them people want to be your friend or they'll get fired for not speaking which one you think it is because 10 15 years ago nobody spoke to you but you went in the store now all of a sudden everybody want to kick it with your ass go it's a corporate mandate and I'd rather you not do it I get in the grocery store it's just too many questions at the register just ring up the that's on the Belt we ain't got to be friends I'm here I'm spending money you won what else do you want why I got to be your friend too man did you find everything okay you know what no I ain't no no no I ain't finding nothing I ain't find nothing I need it and rather than ask for assistance I just brought this up here at Randall just bring that up man just guess I'll leave be at the grocery store they'd be trying to critique everything you got on the Belt oh I see you got I like blueberry well go back there and get you one I like apple I want to talk to you about me the price you pay for politeness is your time so you want somebody to be nice to you that's cool enjoy it but I'd rather get the minutes back with somebody I know stop asking me if I got the discount card I ain't got the discount card if I ain't pull it out I ain't got it done standing at the register having a 15-minute negotiation about why I should become a member of your Club your Club bruh just for that I ain't coming back I was gonna come back but he has to be in the club now why I got to join the club why I got Illuminati just to get a discount can't you just always give me the discount don't that make the most sense just always give me the cheapest price and then I spread the word and then I bring more people with me you don't have every you don't have your price Buster reward card no I ain't got it I ain't got the car do you want to apply for a price but no I didn't come there to do homework just ring up the I want to leave so bad I'd rather pay full price that's how bad I want to go home right now oh well sir it's no big deal you ain't said nothing tell you what I just use my card for you so you had a car this whole time wasted yo it straight up every grocery store should just have to shut the up Lane that's the solution you don't want to talk to somebody you get to go down to register too you want to have chit chat you go to register three but register two we getting done [Applause] I need all this politeness man I'm cool because people overdo it I went on a cruise this is the weirdest thing ever man you go on a cruise you meet every employee yeah every you go on the cruise I met the captain of the boat the captain of the cruise ship does laps around the boat every day speaking to people that's too much I have no need to meet you sir listen there's no at no point in my vacation do I need to meet the highest ranking officer on the boat I don't need to do that I'm at the pool here come the captain he's got a stupid jacket on he's sashaying around like I'm aboard I am the captain yes you're having pleasure we are in Ocean and we have pleasure let's get them stupid Metals dangling officer jacket I took heavy fire and caused the mail I don't know how he got him but he's got we are having fun in the oceans are you having fun who driving take your ass back to the steering wheel I don't feel comfortable with the captain being at the pool we are in the ocean you know how much is in the ocean we got hurricanes you got reefs we can hear the damn stuff the the Kraken is out here they're surrounded hit the damn Kraken it's too much you go on a cruise it makes you appreciate airline pilots I respect airline pilots airline pilots ain't got no chit chat for you no small talk before the flight you don't even meet them that's the flight attendant's job you get on the plane who you see first it's the flight attendant welcoming bud how are you hanging this way Captain ain't got time to talk to your goofy ass you get on the plane look in the cockpit what you see two alcoholics checking buttons that's all you see was it two grown ass men did you check all the buttons chicken buns up here and you check the buttons down here just don't just check up and start over the ladies and gentlemen it's gonna be a slight delay gotta recheck all these buttons thank you for choosing thank you that's it that's the captain's job to come over the intercom let you know what's happening that's it no jokes all business that's why they pause the movie they stopped serving drinks cause the captain got important to say ladies and gentlemen is the captain we about to go up in the sky so sit that ass down so we can get up there [Applause] something go wrong talk to them heifers in the back I can't help you man because I'm up here I'm trying to fly this so uh don't you come up here my door is locked I got a shotgun with me thank you wouldn't it be hilarious if the captain start telling you what kind of gun he working with he's listening threats from the cockpit maybe some dope anti-terrorism the captain just talking ladies and gentlemen just gonna let y'all know you bring your punk ass up here if you want to right got them Hollow tip Eagle Talent Teflon I got a banana clip on that ass my photo make sure all your kids don't grow thank you my point is is that it's it's okay to just do your job you're appreciate it just do your job I don't need to meet the captain of the do you want to meet the captain of the airplane you're not petrified you would be is that what you want does that make you feel special at 30 000 feet to just see the captain sacheting down the aisle we are flying look our Windows Live take your ass to the steering wheel the captain is all business and I respect him he's all business until the plane lands that's when you know it's time to get some respect from y'all the captain knows that he did some dope and he wants you to know he did some dope I just flew you 500 miles an hour at 30 000 feet I landed this flight in a 50 mile an hour crosswind on the first attempt I want you to know who your God is yeah the captain won his respect that's why when you get off the plane the captain be standing in the door like a boss like what's up co-pilot be next to him [Applause] you can't do that but show love to the captain I'm like yo bro you did your thing man you flew that play real quick let me give you one of these wristbands you know put that on case of jump off where's your wristband trying to lose weight all right man losing weight they tell you everything you need to know about losing weight except for how much it's going to cost but it's hard when it's time to lose weight I'm drinking all these damn smoothies they expensive five six damn dollars for fruit and ice in a cup how sweet how how [Applause] was it five six damn dollars for fruit and ice and they trick you with smoothies they try to trick us because they put all them little extra words and adjectives in the name of the Smoothie don't fall for it it's fruit and ice okay you had a mango Sunset Peach tranquility [Applause] Tranquility out take that out hold the tranquility that should that should knock it down to 350. that should get it down smoothie's so expensive I'm surprised rappers don't talk about them in their songs [Applause] give a damn about a rapper with a damn nice car and some jewelry you want to impress me pour some kale out in the club do that that's how I know your ass got some money we drinking kale up in here [Applause] [Music] it'll be some girl in a bikini with soy milk just drizzling down [Applause] my uncle tried to help me you know you need to start eating at the house that's what you need boy you need a woman that can cook that's why your blood sugar I ain't messed up but to be glad you got your woman that can cook now better be glad my uncle from Mississippi he can't talk without wobbling and doing nothing you need a woman that can throw down in that kitchen she got to throw down you got to have that cornbread you got to have some greens and to me you know it's not a big deal if a woman can cook or not it's cool if you can but it ain't the end of the world ain't no make or break situation for me in a relationship I don't care if you can can you read let's read a cookbook yeah figure it out but my uncle won't let it go my uncle yeah ain't nothing wrong with a woman having a career but I'm telling you when you throw down in that kitchen what you want when I was your age I love coming home to a hot meal on that table but yeah I bet you did love coming home to a hot meal you was dating in the 60s you couldn't eat nowhere in public [Applause] keep it real that was your only chance at a safe meal was at the house I don't have to live how you live times is different we got desegregation and chipotle I'm chilling bro [Applause] you get married you get your woman that can cook and get married I don't know about marriage like a lot of my friends are married and I get I'm at this weird age now I'm at this weird age where like I got friends getting married late and I got friends that's getting divorced you know and I don't know who to go celebrate with I'll tell you this much you get a wedding invitation from somebody in their 30s that is dope is to the point love it can stand getting wedding invites from our buddies and then moving in our 20s first of all wedding invitations is way too long I don't need eight paragraphs to know what's going on just tell me what about a gift is it going to be free liquor that's all I need to know you were cordially invited on the fifth day of Our Lord in the 10th month of the savior to witness Two Souls love is a flame that burns a Turner Walmart free liquor I'm like all right [Applause] you get a wedding invite from one of your homeboys in their late 30s she's to the point my homeboy texted me his wedding yeah you know what it is smiley face send I was like all right that's what's up bro that's what's up this is my thing about divorce what I love about divorce I love how people won't shut the hell up about their wedding but they divorce is none of your business that's not cool you running your mouth all this time about your engagement y'all break up what happened I want to know tell me what happened especially if I went to the wedding if I went to your wedding and you divorced I'm entitled to a one-page explanation much money as I spent you tell me why y'all getting divorced or you give me back to toaster I bought your ass it's a good ass toaster that's full slice with the crumb tray that's top shelf What A Bagel button do you all know about that Bagel button that's footballers the issue for me is that I had great examples of marriage growing up with my parents and their friends but horrible examples through my friends I only got like a handful of friends that are happily married so when you're surrounded by miserable people you assume that that choice will make you miserable as well which isn't fair but that's just the psyche of it right because I see my friends and some of my homeboys are married and ain't miserable all they want to do is like stay out late they ain't even trying to cheat they just want to not go home and they try to marry me and they slick married men try to pull you into the lot oh yeah I told Keisha I told this dude no you should not have said that because now we both gonna get murdered I don't want to die married man y'all don't even give us enough time to learn a lot that's what's so low down you want me to lie to your wife dude I need three four days rehearsal we need to walk through this but that's not what married men do they call you five minutes before the hit the fan hey uh she about to hit you up just say shrimp scampi click what does that even mean that's that's not even a complete sentence you say scampi she'll know it marriage is forever man forever is a long time that's a long time and women ain't playing around with their marriage y'all committed once a woman is in it she's in it for life we in it you don't believe me go watch this TV you want to see how committed women are go watch this TV show called The Walking Dead you want to see some commitment to a marriage watch The Walking Dead first season there's a dude his son they in the house he trapped zombies all over the house there's a knock at the door he goes to the door he looked through the peephole it was this dead zombie wife that's what commitment looks like she's dead and she still came home from work ain't no man in this room that dedicated if you get bit I'm going home I'll see you zombie I gotta get it my uncle Derek told me to watch Titanic you want to learn how to woo a woman you've got to watch Titanics [Applause] country for the Titanics you don't know how to woo a woman boy I'm telling you Titanic show you that boy Leo DiCaprio boy that boy I got that girl boy that girl was out of his lead he pulled then he died he died happy he was smiling when he was drowning he'd float down smile I went back and watched Titanic Titanic is not that romantic of a movie it's a good film but it ain't romantic Titanic is basically a movie about an old lady who got some dick so good that she went back out into the ocean to say goodbye to it that's pretty much the movie go back and watch Titanic the whole thing is a flashback it's a 90 year old lady and she's on the bow of the ship the whole movie's a flashback it's a 90 year old lady she's looking out into the water and then it flashes back to everything that happened on the ship he drowns she lives they come back present day and she's looking out into the water and then people are coming up and talking to him ma'am are you are you thinking about all your friends you lost out there oh no baby I'm thinking about that good dick that was down there some good dick under that water right here 70 years ago this is where I got my back beat out did you know that right there young gentleman poverty stricken put that pipe on me I couldn't handle it was just steaming up and I was pressing my hand on that car window that's why I walked like this give me the jewelry you threw that jewelry into the water Titanic ain't no romantic movie if anything it's a superhero movie it's a superhero movie Leo DiCaprio was a superhero bruh they had sex one time in that movie once they had sex one time in Titanic she remembered it for the next 70 years you know how good your pack game [Applause] down once one time and for 70 years that's all she can think about she's 90. think about how much stuff you probably will forget but I know by the time I'm 90 I'm not gonna wear my I'm not gonna know where my car is parked I'm not gonna know my grandkids names I'm gonna have my pills in that Monday Tuesday Wednesday trapdoor but this lady is 90 and she never forgot that one time his dick beat Alzheimer's that's a superpower you gotta respect that I like old people man I hope I hope I'm blessed enough to to live long change to diet up and a couple years on the back end you know old people I just I want to get to that age where I can just cuss people out for no reason you know I'm saying just unprovoked cussed out yeah she already smiling you almost there you gotta look because you look a little young you got a little more time but you just you already trained you already cussed people now man you oh you get to just cuss people out for no reason I was in the grocery store this old dude rolled up on me man I was in the struggle and you weren't there I wasn't bothering this dude [Applause] I'm in produce I'm picking out my Fuji apples I'm not bothering nobody Fuji apples he rolled up his sleeve he showed me the scars dude's old 80 85 years old look at that Scott asked me asked me how I got the sky how'd you get this guy I got it in the struggle you don't know what it was like in 62 I'm like what was it like it was a struggle yes and this is the thing man this is the thing with old black people man old black people like you can't disrespect them because they have physical proof that they were willing to die to make the country a better place for me so I have to salute it I paid for its groceries this dude called me for 20 minutes and I paid for his groceries just off respect they got me thinking on the way home you know what have I done and that's that's a that's a very sobering feeling it's a sobering realization to have to realize that what you've done doesn't quite measure up to what that man did you know this dude called me and got free groceries that's how much he put in work like I know I'm not gonna get that same result like I wish I could but I know I'm not I'm like little kids gonna rob me like when I'm 80 I'm getting robbed all right no that's what they're gonna do they're gonna take the tennis balls off my Walker and I'm gonna be stuck take the battery out in the hover around and just push me out in the truck because the thing is that you start reflecting you start reflecting on what you've done that compares to that and I look at the things that I try to do now like I try my best to be socially active I try my best to do stuff on a daily show that affects change I try but I'll be real a lot of what I do now is just making up for lost time because I wasn't always like that and that's something I'm ashamed about I didn't go see Obama get inaugurated because it was too cold [Music] that was my excuse that was my excuse for missing history is cold and my homeboys call me up we riding the bus we going up to D.C the ride I got cable man I didn't go the second time I had four years to buy a coat [Applause] still didn't go see him I skipped history twice that's embarrassing because sooner sooner or later my son's gonna be doing the book report on that and he's gonna flip to that Obama inauguration page and you're gonna see those thousands of black people out in the National Mall just standing there and he's going to come to me and I got to be accountable for my absence daddy were you there yeah yeah yeah I'm right they cropped me out I was right there on the side I just hope that you know what I try to do now is enough you know that's all you can do is what you can do but I want free groceries I'm not sure if what I did is enough so I might have to just spice up my story just add whatever happened because when I'm 80 I'm gonna go in the grocery store cussing out kids you wouldn't in the struggle ER of 1017. what was it like it was a struggle in 2017 and we tried to March for police reform and I ordered six nuggets them white folks only gave me five had to pay for two sauces Atlanta I can't thank y'all enough for the time thank you all so much for coming out man appreciate y'all foreign [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 2,359,083

Keywords: Roy Wood Jr., Father Figure, Roy Wood Jr. comedian, Roy Wood Jr. stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, confederate flag, racism, McDonald’s, sauce, nuggets, leo, Leonardo dicaprio, oprah, movies, civil rights, dad, father, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, Roy Woods Jr. stand up special, full special, full movie, full episode, roy woods full special, roy woods jr. full special

Id: y108bglZn1s

Length: 60min 23sec (3623 seconds)

Published: Sun Nov 13 2022