r/Nonpoliticaltwitter | *cracks*

if you're one of those public speakers that say good morning oh come on we can do better than that good morning i automatically do not like you from that moment on i hate that [Music] regardless hey hey hey what's going on ladies and gentlemen welcome back to mk i'm your host robin and today i've been tasked with taking a look at our slash non-political twitter i don't know what this subreddit is but given the name i'm probably going to be sad or angry probably how long will you guys leave out a glass of water in your house and still drink it it's not like it goes bad but after a while it's weird right it's not that it goes bad it's that more and more dust will get in there and then you're just drinking your own skin flakes if you decide to grab that bad boy 2021 2022 2023 will be lit what what uh no frantically putting on victorian-era clothes as i bleed out must fit in with other ghosts oh i never thought about that good point i got a bunch of dental surgery and while waiting for a cab to go home a dude cat called me so i just let a ton of blood fall out of my mouth i wish i could do that on command because i've never seen a dude immediately regret his decision more oh man that sure would be an amazing talent you know being able to just spew some blood from your lips mmm get away from me conspiracy theory does family feud actually survey a hundred americans i did some math through the years around 1.2 million people should have been surveyed i've never heard of one person doing a family feud survey do they even exist or does the show just make up the answers they probably just make up the answers dude heard my six-year-old slowly and painstakingly reading a nat geo book about otters to his stuffed otter because i wanted him to know about his family well that kid's gonna go far man gonna go plenty of places laffy taffy inventor and for the last taste test this is our banana flavor boss very good very good have you ever tasted a banana before i have not me neither i'm sure it's fine i don't know that banana flavor tastes like every other crappy artificial banana flavor maybe i'm crazy credit card chip machines are like do not remove your card do not hey look at me do not remove your card take your card out immediately or i'm burning this place to the ground there is no chill with any of those machines same thing with gas pumps my parents are replacing their coffee machine which is seven years old me that's not that old i have sheets older than that mother well perhaps your sheets aren't getting as much action as our coffee machine i'm going to need an ambulance now that right there is a true mom one day i'm gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe as we all shouldn't i literally spit out my water your child searched restricted topics alright let's see what do they read teaching crabs how to read alright then not bad me the earth isn't flat fiat earther correct huh it's the shape of an italian car what you read my name wrong didn't you no because i know how to read this woman just came and bought 300 worth of fireworks i was being nice and said oh are you planning a big barbecue and she said no my son has muscular dystrophy and was supposed to die by 18. we're celebrating his 40th birthday tomorrow he likes fireworks wow jesus alrighty then the reason most of us stay up late is because we don't want our free time to end and tomorrow to start yeah isn't it funny how that works humans do not get free time i was leaving kroger's and this woman is outside with her baby in a stroller asking for money i was about to give her some money this man yells out don't give her ass no money that baby ain't real then he runs over and kicks the stroller i'll be damned the baby wasn't real she yelled damn you gary shout out to gary he the real scam police no gary be out here like not on my watch god damn how'd he know that though fun fact in less than four years you'll be able to see 20 years ago under youtube videos and that's horrifying oh my god don't say that you cannot say that do you understand me oh man some of jack's films videos are gonna be 20 years old i can't believe he's 85 already my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like no and she was like well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that's how i met your grandfather apparently the random funeral was my grandpa's dad's funeral my grandma went to a funeral and picked up the dead guy's son i aspired to be her yo man it was a different time different generation just different all around dude how come on star trek they say they're gonna boldly go where no man has gone before and then when they get there there's always some guys that's a fair question it is star trek though stop saying my standards are too high just because i intend to marry a plucky librarian and archaeologist who throws knives and knows how to hold her liquor and accidentally summons the spirit of imhotep i know it's not pronounced imhotep but just roll with me on this alright it's a silly funny tweet have fun betty white was 17 days from being a hundred but she lived through more than 17 leap years so those extra days count to me she made it you're damn right betty white made it i'm very happy that people still ran her 100th birthday issue it was worth it okay i'm sorry it was deserved betty white was the my boyfriend's jim brodude broke up with him hey bro i'm gonna start going alone i don't get the same pumps with some of your workouts like i do alone i was talking to the big black dude and it has a lot to do with the fact that we have different body types then i'm just talking about chest and back workouts arms legs and abs are always amazing with you well that's really sad is your boyfriend okay science fact it is impossible for a man to strap down any kind of a load in a trailer without saying that's not going anywhere as he tightens the rope that's right that is a 100 correct and it always will be when i was a little kid i thought this little pig went to market meant it went shopping hmm yeah i know what you mean doesn't make me happy either the y2k translucent age was beautiful yes the y2k aesthetic institute is one of my favorite places on the internet and hey look we're getting closer to this coming back we're going through the 90s right now because people are letting the 80s kind of die down a little bit but once the 90s is done oh oh we are gonna get the y2k aesthetic back and i'm excited i can't be the only one who feels let down whenever i open a game case to this i can't be the only one that thinks that's a monumental waste of any type of resource for that i know you like to collect the cases i get it i understand my mom used to make potato soup i would sit at the table for hours and refuse to take a bite my wife just made potato soup it's the most delicious thing i've ever had my kids won't touch it you deserve this oh you deserve it hardcore johnny cash i shot a man in reno just to watch him die johnny cash's lawyer johnny i'm begging you you cannot keep saying that i think the reason i'm not more upset about the death of betty white is that it's hard for me to imagine a universe that didn't grant her the ability to simply choose to die at will 99 years old on new year's eve right before her birthday seems like a betty white move legend the purge for 12 hours everything is legal even murder so like everything including immigration violations uh and export restrictions on encryption algorithms that's not really um and software piracy for sure right look hey all crime is legal which means it's no longer crime for that period you know what i'm saying do whatever the hell you want man well actually don't please don't in a sense none of our dinosaurs have ever escaped because society itself is just another larger cage yeah that sounds smart but yeah like 18 to 19 dinosaurs are currently loose though my boyfriend got me a hematite ring that breaks when it's absorbed too much negative energy from my life it only took a month and i need a new one i need to start selling poor quality items and products and marketing them like this yeah the crystal girls will buy them up in a heartbeat half of twitter is half as depressed and the other half is bad at doing math ah like man bear pig half man half bear half pig i wish i could google search my own mind and just type in stuff like what are my favorite movies or what was the name of the place with the really good egg rolls well it wasn't jack in box i once read that people who lived alongside orangutans have a belief or legend that orangutans can actually speak but they refused to because humans would put them to work if they knew i think about that a lot because it's true we would so maybe they can i just can't stop imagining a little troop of orangutans vibing in a tree and chatting until a human comes along and they're like oh shut the up they'll make us pay taxes makes me really sad that yeah we would we would do that to them i just witnessed a lady throw away the center of a cinnamon roll the center of a cinnamon roll the greatest bite of the roll the reason you get it the center of the cinnamon roll the world is full of absolute monsters why are there no night museums there are three movies explaining what happens at night to the museums yeah those documentaries really opened our eyes you weren't paying attention were you during lockdown i wrote a script and sent it to various people i've just received this email from someone at netflix never give up on your dreams dear mr heenan thank you for the script it's one of the best we've ever read the writing is superb it's tense funny and non-stop action the only problem is it's the script to die hard you literally sent us the script to die hard and change the title to mr no shoes and the shooty shooty bang bang christmas never contact us again i don't know i need to watch his version though title change or not i think it's going to be better i don't know who needs to hear this but throw away that box your iphone came in you'll never need that i don't know see i take care of my stuff i don't let it get all picked up so when it's time for me to get a new device i can sell the other one you see what i'm talking about here the amount of people i've seen absolutely abuse their stuff is insane especially when it's an 1100 bone i will be your nft girlfriend you can't ever touch or interact with me in real life of course but if you pay me enough money you can go around telling people i'm yours even though you're just the certificate someone just called my nine-year-old gay on xbox and he responded i'm straighter than the pole your mom dances on i'm not intervening me you know how you always wanted an ostrich um no insane amount of noise coming from the kitchen while i struggled to keep the door closed my boyfriend said you look like if paddington was in the matrix oh my god he's right men should understand that some of these girls bring friends to a date because of safety not for your food and drinks then why are they eating and drinking some of them should be outside checking the perimeter my dog is cuter than yours fight me my ruse worked now i have hundreds of dog photos to look at when i'm down oh that sick bastard remember when my pilot messaged me on grindr at 30 000 feet in the air i see you're on my flight enjoy the ride to chicago i'd be a little scared hello i'm an adult in a christmas movie i don't believe in santa but i've also never bought my children even one of the presents they receive every year they just appear and i'm fine with this reality this is neither confusing nor horrifying question for lawyers my girlfriend wants her parents to stay with us for the holidays her dad is retired navy can i use the third amendment to prevent this from happening i don't know if he's retired i doubt it my sister and i are having a mac and cheese battle to see who gets to cook it for thanksgiving mine's on the left hers is on the right who y'all with i think both y'all need to be in prison yeah i don't like what i'm looking at here a lot imagine if parent slash teacher conferences existed in college dad so how's my son doing i've never seen this man in my life pleasure to have in class a plus student fat people worry about being judged at the gym truth is people who are actually physically fit they look on and think respect you're making the changes if that's you know that the next time you feel anxious at the gym vital update my roadrunner porch buddy used to run away if i wanted a picture but now when he catches a lizard he knocks on my door and then parades his catch around and poses it's amazing who's a good boy mr meet me oh isn't that just adorable romeo juliet is the sun neil degrasse tyson loudly from the balcony no she isn't beyonce made a song called single ladies then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy and made the money i'm totally against the selfie stick but every now and then an exception comes along it's rare but it happens there's a machine at darlow train station that charges your phone two pounds for 20 minutes someone's unplugged it and is charging their phone in its socket suck it so how's the dating going lauren absolutely class i thanks not only did i nearly kill a man but i'm now responsible for him losing an internal organ incredible work oh um oh get well soon you absolute prawn wow dating is fun for you huh my 87 year old grandfather recently got a facebook and this is the first thing he sends me hey courtney just to let you know that you're not the only one in the family with graphical art talents yeah courtney deal with it no offense but if someone's excited about something and you make them feel stupid for being excited about it you're the worst type of person yeah i don't deal with those people anyone that does that to me you don't get a chance i'm done when i was a kid i thought hacking was all about writing matrix like code when in reality it's just sending boomers emails that say give me your passwords and they do yeah man that social conditioning is a my son put some tricks in his ant farm instead of eating them the ants dug up all of the dead ants in the farm and piled them on top of the tricks not sure what that means but i'm not eating tricks anymore my mother handed me 20 pounds take your brother to see a movie for his birthday keep him out until two while your father and i set up the surprise party that was the day i realized my brother was the favorite twin ouch wendy's needs to get rid of the square burger it seems a little too artificial unlike the super natural circle shape that hamburgers come in when you pick them off the vine silence checkmark a very annoying brain feature i have is what i call waiting mode like today i have to leave for an mri at 2 45. unfortunately at 12 30 or so my brain decided to activate waiting mode which means that instead of getting anything done i just have to sit there and wait oh i have this but it starts about uh 24 hours before the appointment how do you politely tell your visitor that it's time to go home well if you're from the midwest you just say well really forcefully and slap your knees with your hands then stand up other midwesterners will recognize the single and say suppose we should head out as well a blue whale is larger than a basketball court americans will use anything but the metric system come within three whales of america and say that why don't you arby's is buying buffalo wild wings for 2.9 billion where the did arby's get 2.9 billion dollars from dude they have the meats they've got a whole monopoly on the meats what do you mean where'd they get the money from they own it all i painted this for my husband it was the first piece i ever finished he never stops talking about the cat he had growing up so this was the best i could give him i love this painting a lot i know it doesn't mean anything to me but i would buy this and hang it on my wall it's just adorable never forget the time my brother missed the bus and wrote my mom this note i missed the bus as your son i regret to inform you that i've missed my means of public transportation i know you must be on a roller coaster of emotions right now but rest assured i've decided to stay home this was a tough decision to make while you were gone for 20 minutes i'm probably in my bed uh something about the fact that i can't go to school so please don't interrupt me if you require any further assistance please see the pros and cons chart on the back side pros first day home this quarter grade will be fine today was going to be a bad one can't get over my hair cons might become a habit you have to call the school and tell them i've got polio this kid was prepared every day i think about how this movie is the reason why the seuss estate won't allow any more live action adaptations of the books dude that movie rocked and you can kiss my left butt cheek well what a very wholesome note to end today's video on folks before we get going though we've got some fan art to check out now don't we mkhq terrible unfinished minecraft fan art oh hey it's well on its way though very well on its way that's actually what the real offices look like down in australia i swear to god i'm not kidding always remember if you even somewhat enjoyed today's video consider dropping a like down below and if you really enjoyed it well make sure to get yourself subscribed and click that bell icon and hey if you want to see more of yours truly you can check out the links in the description down below and until next time i'll be seeing you

Channel: EmKay

Views: 2,002,842

Keywords: reddit, r/, subreddit, best of reddit, r/ top posts, top posts, top posts of all time, reddit top posts, 100% True stories, reddit true stories, top all time, reddit posts, reddit stories, ask reddit, funny reddit, emkay, memes

Id: qNxf0vu8ooU

Length: 17min 24sec (1044 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 28 2022