r/Maliciouscompliance "Just Use A Forklift" "Sure Thing, Boss!"

welcome to our slash malicious compliance where a professor gets a dose of his own medicine our next reddit post is from yellowjacket my brother has struggled with drug addiction for most of his life about five years ago it tore his family apart his wife filed for divorce and was awarded full custody of their son this is all right and proper as my brother was in no condition to be a father at this time the road to recovery has been long but my brother's been working the program and has now been clean for several years he has no formal custody of his son though he gets visitation at his ex-wife's discretion he's been a good and stable father to his son in the last years however his ex has not wanted to allow for the possibility that he's become well in fact she's begun jerking him around with visitation even planning on removing the sun from his father for a period of several months so she can take a long vacation with her new family my brother not willing to let this slide immediately filed for joint custody the court case was yesterday and as expected his ex badmouthed his former drug abuse and attempted to paint him as still an addict and a threat to their son again he totally isn't anymore he's been clean for years employed and he owns his own home the ex was so self-deluded and confident that he had backslid that she loudly demanded in front of the judge that my brother provide a letter from the local president of the drug counseling program stating that he had attended every meeting for the last several years my brother smiled at the judge and said not only is that not a problem your honor but i can provide that document today the judge asked how this is possible did my brother already think to bring it with him he said no your honor but you see i am the president of our local chapter i wish i could have seen the look on that hateful woman's face it's not official yet but yeah he's totally getting joint custody so basically karen has to speak to the manager and opie's brother was like don't you know i am the manager our next reddit post is from vinci depresso i used to work for a security alarm company in their dispatch office i would get signals like burglary fire silent panic or maintenance needed notifications and follower policy on responding one of the highest priority alarms are silent panic alarms just like you might have at a bank or a jewelry store in this case i believe it was a small business jewelry store the thing about panic alarms is that we have very strict rules on how to respond if someone calls verifies their identity and gives the cancel code we can't just cancel our immediate police notification we don't know if someone's holding a gun to their head and unless an account has specific instructions to do so we never call anyone but the police not even the account owner until the police are done one day a man calls in because his alarm won't arm he's getting a trouble signal which just means a low battery from panic alarm number two his system won't arm until the error is cleared and we usually suggest that people have spare batteries on hand but it seems that he didn't feel that was necessary i let him know that we can send our on-call person out or he can try picking up supplies from a battery store but he just wants to go home he's getting very frustrated but there's genuinely nothing i can do from my end to bypass a panic sensor and arm his system like he demands eventually he says i'll just effing break it and go home i try to tell him that that'll set off the panic alarm he uses some loud and unkind language and then he hangs up and then seconds later panic number two is triggered per our policy i called the police gave them dispatch information then sat back and felt very pleased with myself it continued to feel kinda great even five minutes later when he called back infuriated that the police had shown up to a store for a panic alarm i explained to him that something set off his panic alarm and we must respond to all those with the same urgency since we never know what's happening on the other side he wasn't pleased but eventually we were able to reach our on-call tech to fix the panic button which not only had a low battery but now also physical damage that required it to be replaced it actually makes a lot of sense for opie to respond this way for all he knows this could have been a devious ploy to trick the alarm company into not sounding the alarm robbers call up the alarm company act like a pissed off boss then break the alarm and if op was bad at his job then they would have just gotten in our next credit post is from spongebob no pants this was my first security gig right out of the military a good starter job for security work it was access control at a medium-sized aircraft engine factory a friend of mine worked hr there but he also held the title as hit of security so he offered me a job and i accepted one of the biggest rules were id checks apparently a few years prior a couple of people had gotten in with photocopied ids so after that we had to physically check that the id was plastic we did this by touching it now do access control enough and you start to memorize people we didn't check their ids by touching them because we knew them and if they'd been fired we would have gotten a notice well that angered the head of hr so she said some new rules she wasn't the head of security but security fell under hr so she kinda was all ids must be checked no exceptions no non-employee is allowed through the gate without a sign noticed by her or the head of security and it has to be submitted 12 hours prior to entry visitor badges assigned without prior approval can only be done for normal deliveries like post office or fedex anyone who violates it will be reported by security to hr for a security violation this was fine and dandy we really didn't care everything went smooth for about a month until that one day here comes the head of hr to the gate but she isn't driving her husband is it's raining and i mean flood level raining i asked her husband for his id and he says he didn't have one the head of hr sees where this is going and she tried to stop me her husband was only there to take her in because it was raining and she didn't want to walk from the car to the building and ruin her outfits that's when i threw the rules back to her i didn't have a security note as forum so i couldn't assign a badge and couldn't let him in she tried the but it's only a hundred yards which again i reminded her of the rules that she sat down she actually said well i'm your boss we're going in anyways technically she isn't my boss so i again relate a rule that any breaches of policy must be reported as a security violation so there she is dressed to the nines and forced to walk without a jacket to a building a hundred yards in the rain to get to her office why didn't we lend her a security rain jacket you ask because she said there wasn't enough money in the security budget to buy them later that day she modified the rules that with drop off security had full discretion to allow someone entry for that purpose we also got our rain jackets two weeks later and she never bothered security again i was really hoping op was gonna say sorry miss but if you have a problem with our security measures you should take it up with the head of hr our next reddit post is from age 2020. i was working as a warehouse manager for a pharmaceutical and cosmetics company our premises was part of a large industrial complex that had been walled off into three smaller buildings that had three different businesses occupying them my office was a freestanding building inside of the warehouse that was about the size of a shipping container my company was in the process of redeveloping the insides of the warehouse and as a result my office had to go my immediate boss was the operations manager and he came to me one morning and told me to demolish my office by the end of the day now we had tools but only basic tools like hammers nothing really suited for the task at hand when i asked how he expected me to do it he said just drive a forklift through it to this day i'm not sure if he was joking or being sarcastic or actually meant it but it had been said and in front of four witnesses most grown men with the inner workings of a five-year-old i love chaos and destruction so i chose to take advantage of the situation i would love to say that i rammed my office at full speed like the dukes of hazard on meth but i figured that may be too extreme what i did was push the walls in slowly before lifting off the roof panels all was going well i got called away to another part of the warehouse and another worker decided to take up where i left off he started lifting a roof panel off when there was a loud noise a cross between a bang and a popping cork this is the point where we realized that one of the pipes for the fire sprinkler system ran through the office roof and it had been completely ripped out the pressure in the system caused an initial spray of water before a torrent of water spewed forth at roof height the water had been in the pipes for at least 20 years and combined with the dirt in the rafters it was like it was raining squid ink it covered the finished goods the raw materials the workers and the equipment the production line was immediately shut down and everyone was panicking we had a plumber on site who was unable to stop the flow it had been flowing for about five minutes when we heard the sirens the fire system had automatically alerted the fire department when the water pressure dropped due to the nature of our business we had on-site up to 30 000 liters of pure alcohol and ethanol so when the firemen came they prepared for the worst three trucks and about 20 firemen the firemen go to turn the water off but the valves are in one of the other warehouses one was occupied by a heating company the other by a christian food drive the heating company had closed up early and the christian place was occupied sporadically the firemen had to break down the doors of these businesses so they could find and shut off the water the firemen were not happy with the situation and here in australia if you're responsible for a false alarm you could find potentially thousands of dollars for wasting their time the damage bill was going to be massive in terms of fines ruin stock and materials and lost time it all happened so fast and not much had been said but once the situation was under control the operations manager was looking for answers he approached me asking what the hell i done at this point i informed him that it wasn't me as i was elsewhere at the time and that for the record he had instructed me to drive a forklift through the building he turned pale as the reality of his own culpability sank in the end result was that the worker operating the forklift at the time was deemed responsible i think they needed an official scapegoat for the insurance claim but no official record was made and no punishment handed out it was all swept under the rug and never mentioned again so as a grown adult with a job this is exactly the type of thing that i fantasize about not driving a forklift through a building no having this manager's level of just completely not being responsible for your actions oops i didn't pay my taxes sorry irs my bad don't worry our slash we'll just sweep this little accident under the rug and we can all forget about it thanks irs i really appreciate it our next reddit post is from chromez this story didn't happen to me but to a fellow professor last year last year the university where i taught wasn't particularly strict on attendance the only thing that not attending would get you was a call asking if you want to keep paying for the class if you're not using them at all aside from that it was up to the teacher to control how they wanted attendance to affect their class this one professor decided to be incredibly strict about it and the students hated him for it he would physically lock the door once five minutes passed and wouldn't open it again for any reason whatsoever if you were five minutes late you lost that lesson some students started sitting in the hallway and taking notes while looking through the glass doors when that was an option one day i arrived to teach my lesson and all the students are giggly and happy it just so happens that the professor himself arrived five minutes late that day and the students locked him out of the classroom for the entire hour i suspect that he was too embarrassed to ask for a key and in the process having to admit why he was locked out needless to say he never locked the doors again down in the comments we have a similar post from fitness f when i started university i had my economics professor who used to lock the door even if we were a minute late at one point she put me in charge of making sure that all students had received the study material for her class well guess what i was three minutes late for class and she locked the door i kept banging at the door but she wouldn't open it so i took the original notes that she made and skipped her class for the entire semester my college didn't monitor attendance that much she had to remake thousands of pages worth of new notes for the entire class moral of the story don't be a jerk to someone who has the original copy of your notes that are going to be used for an entire semester our next reddit post is from columbia songbird so i just had a lateral sphincterotomy for chronic anal fissures it's just as painful and terrible as it sounds it's also kind of an awkward topic to get into with 99 of people so for the most part i've been deliberately vague about my surgery with people my husband parents boss and closest friend know the details but as far as anyone else knows i'm just having a minor procedure and will be out of work for a while if people have reached out to check on me to see if i'm okay that's fine i appreciate that but if they keep prying despite my obvious attempts to be vague my strategy has been to tell them in graphic detail exactly what the surgery entails and make them regret asking it goes like this hey i heard you were having surgery is everything okay yeah it's just a small elective procedure everything's fine thanks for checking in usually the conversation is over here or the subjects changed but if the person wants to be nosy it continues okay good just making sure yup all good what was the surgery for it's a digestive system issue nothing to worry about oh what is it my butthole i have chronic anal fissures which means my entire anus splits open every single time i poop it's excruciating that's where they cut into the sphincter muscle from the inside and then cauterize the fissures to allow them to heal better well that's graphic i tried to be vague but you still felt the need to ask so i felt the need to tell you i really just hope it makes them feel awkward and like they shouldn't have asked such personal questions when someone was clearly trying to be vague about something mind your own freaking business and get your nose out of my butt literally op i bet the best part is when they ask you this over text because that's when you get to send pictures that was our slash malicious compliance and if you like this content then check out my patreon where i publish episodes that were too spicy for youtube also hit that subscribe button because i put out new reddit videos every single day

Channel: rSlash

Views: 575,496

Keywords: reddit, r/, rslash, r\, sub, subreddit, best of reddit, reddit top posts, top posts, top posts of all times, funniest posts, funny, comedy, funniest reddit posts, funny reddit posts, funny reddit, fails, cringe, maliciouscompliance, malicious, compliance, r/maliciouscompliance

Id: 2h5d4J1NJ0s

Length: 15min 41sec (941 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 25 2020