Parenting "Tricks" That Actually F*ck Children Up - (r/AskReddit)

our /oscar etic my planet reddit serious what is a seemingly harmless parenting mistake that will majorly duct up a child later in life anytime a child is playing with a child of the opposite gender and they respond oh he's your boy girlfriend that [ __ ] completely stopped me from even speaking to girls until damn near high school I just saw this happen in front of my eyes not too long ago my aunt started teasing my 12 year old cousin because she found out that a girl he was friends with had a little crush on him well that friendship ended right then and there my cousin was obviously super embarrassed of course my aunt made the big announcement in front of a bunch of people I was so mad at my aunt like what the duck did she expect being overprotective as a parent or just not listening to your children to tag onto that never treating your children as adults my girlfriend is 23 and despite being entirely independent of her family her mom treats her like a child still as in too immature to make her own decisions inferior to her / not equal she was recently told to learn her place invalid in feelings emotions etc this invalidates her self-worth her opinions her views and stances etc it's wildly damaging an extremely toxic she can't hold an adult conversation with her adults daughter and it's extremely frustrating discouraging them from asking questions yes it can be annoying to keep hearing but why daddy mummy but I've met far too many adults who admit they stopped asking questions because as a kid their parents would shut them up or be like that he/she goes asking questions again inquisitive minds need that fostered another good strategy to help develop creativity and problem-solving while not shutting down the questioning is when your kid asks you a question ask them what do you think or why do you think it's that way especially if it's something that doesn't have a factual answer telling them that the family members who are mean to them or neglect them love them and he does love you you know well damn it doesn't feel like it maybe if he loved me he should show it instead of insulting everything I say or do this is how it is in my house my mother is the best mom I could have asked for but she refuses to see that my dad is mentally abusing and mocking all of his kids because he is always nice to her she says friends will come and go family lasts forever but what is the point of having a family member forever when they're the last person you'd like to have around never showing up for events I remember my parents didn't come to most of my chorus concerts it really sucked to see my classmates families cheer them on while my parents were absent I brought home one of my chorus program papers to show my parents and I found it in the trash the next day I was sad because I wanted to keep it but seeing it in the trash I didn't want it anymore edit I love my parents and I don't blame them for not showing up they are small business owners and it was hard for them to find people who could work for them whenever I had concerts or anything it still hurt though also the replies to this are very sad I'm sorry that a lot of you guys went through similar experiences second at it also my mom is a clean freak she'll discard or move any stray papers laying around she probably didn't think much of it she might not have even realized what it was she can't read English that well it's a third language after I told her she apologized to me so it's okay I thought I should add that my little sister and grandma would come to them but my relationship with my grandma isn't great it's just not the same as having your parents there if that makes sense creating an environment where you tell your kid their feelings aren't valid just because they aren't the same as yours or your kid processes their emotions differently than you angrily telling your kid they are too sensitive dramatic theatrical hormonal et Cie is just going to mess your kid up and encourage them to bottle emotions up to avoid upsetting you and it's going to lead to major communication issues also constantly pushing an intelligent or self-motivated child to work harder and harder and do better but you'll setting your kid up to be a perfectionist which can be incredibly damaging to his or her mental health in the long run when I was four my parents adopted a kitten of course I had never seen anything quite so delightful before and I could barely keep my hands off the little furball so about two or three days past I get up in the morning and walk out and ask where is the kitten and my parents told me that he died implying that my roughhousing had killed it I was terrified to touch an animal for several years thereafter in fact there had simply given the kitten back to the people they got it from this is a cruel thing to do to anyone I am appalled just reading this this made me so sad not having them do chores my parents pushed me to be academic so doted on me hand and foot as the kid to make more room for study when you're too young and stupid to know any better you think it's a blessing when I moved out to uni I didn't really know how to cleave when to clean what to clean with how to wash clothes how to get them dry etcetera the only thing I could do is cook and binge drink that's no way to bring up a kid and it's a steep learning curve doing all that stuff for the first time in your early 20s it sounds like a super lame answer but make sure every kid does their fair share of chores I did have to do chores but I couldn't make any decisions for myself then all of a sudden they thought I was just going to do everything right with no experience so I can see how that would really apply to more tangible things to kids have to do to learn don't smother your kids my mom quit having her own life a moment my brother and I were born she was an incredibly devoted and loving mother was very kind to us but when we were born she stopped having friends did not work and was home every single day from when I was born to when I moved out in my early 20s she was very easy to upset because she had no other source of self-esteem and anytime I screwed up and I screwed up a lot It was as if I had levied a very personal attack against her in the last five years or so before I left I don't think we had a single conversation that didn't drive her to tears and I promise I wasn't that bad I constantly felt cornered and stressed and fell into depression as a defense mechanism and she took my resulting lack of performance very personally creating a very treacherous cycle that was only broken when I enlisted and finally got away to this day I often feel like I'm a bad person who failed to live up to her love holy [ __ ] it's like I wrote this sorry to hear you're going through the same thing I started seeing a counselor and she really helped me to process the issues I have because of my in meshed family saying I don't care who started it I grew up with friends whose siblings would target the one with the bad temper provoked them into a rage then cry and play victim when they got slapped in this case it does matter who started it a parent has to make it clear that violence isn't okay but neither is provoking someone into said violence it doesn't matter that said person never hit or kicked while their sibling did they never would have gotten hurt in the first place if they didn't encourage the aggression to begin with children are clever and will find loopholes and their parents rules parents need to be better and snuff out that kind of BS when it starts if they don't there will raise a manipulator and a scapegoat one will use them and one will resent them it's a lose-lose all because of a simple rule my parents always told me that they didn't care about justice they cared about peace and quiet and life isn't fair so I believed them so since life wasn't fair and all they cared about was peace and quiet I didn't tell them thing or ask for help I was afraid to yell for help when I was stuck on the porch for hours they liked to tell this as a funny story now Lowell what a dumb kid but it's awful for me because I just remember being stuck and in pain and yet too scared of my own parents to call for help there was no point in telling them things either like being molested and now as an adult my parents are all like oh but we just wanted you to be quiet we didn't mean it no you did mean it that is exactly what you meant and that's exactly what you said you wanted me to be quiet no matter what what that was the only thing that was important to you the belief that they won't remember because early young I remember I didn't quite remember all the words my mom said to me or all the specific things she did to me when I was younger but I remember how she made me feel that doesn't go away they may forget what you said but they will never forget how you made them feel comical w Buena pretty much telling you that whatever activity that you enjoy doing is annoying or down I used to love to sing I was in chorus and would play my favorite songs over and over to learn the words not only did my sisters tease me for it but my parents told me to shut up constantly so I stopped singing I must have been terrible right I sing when I'm alone or jokingly with some friends what really broke me was when I went to visit everyone for the holidays and my sister said that she was surprised I never pursued singing since I seemed to love it so much when I was younger I nearly started crying and had to bite my tongue so I wouldn't scream at her for being one of the reasons I stopped it's always funny for the ones doing the teasing but it actually hurts the ones being teased especially when it's coming from people who are supposed to love you I won a scholarship for singing while I was in primary school private lessons twice a week one day my dad stopped taking me saying he couldn't afford them anymore at the time I didn't know the lessons were already paid for from the scholarship my [ __ ] father thought it was lame in the lessons were useless man there's stories of physical and emotional abuse littered all over this post but this just hurts so much to read it's just such an unnecessarily cruel thing to do I'm really sorry you had to make these memories I hope you can turn it into a positive way of thinking by avoiding this type of behavior at all cost best to you not stopping when your child says stop whether it's teasing or tickling or resting kids who have parents that don't respect their boundaries always seem to end up being the biggest dongs and bullies because they learned they don't have to respect other people's feelings my dad would squeeze my knee to tickle me but it would quickly turn painful and he wouldn't stop until I cried I would beg him to stop but he wouldn't until it got to that point that's not tickling never telling your child that you were wrong in that you're sorry just never once occurred my father never once said I'm sorry to me he was human there were plenty of times he should have my kids have heard from me plenty once my brother was sent to his room by my dad after they got into an argument about something stupid I used Google to prove my brother right and we both were grounded for being disrespectful until he found out we were actually right he never and grounded us until the week was over and only told me he was wrong moral of the story being right is disrespectful I remember several occasions when my father would accuse me of doing something I shouldn't have and a couple of times I was legitimately innocent and I would say I didn't do it or some such thing he'd counter with are you calling me a liar and I was pretty much ducked after that there was no way I was going to get out of whatever punishment was heading my way dad was always right even when he wasn't getting them involved in problems they have no control over my parents felt the need to keep me in the loop regarding our pending foreclosure and argue in front of me over which one was to blame when I was 10 what possible reason is there to share that with a kid I barely slept for months I was convinced the cops were gone in Boston at midnight and throw us all outside on the flip side let your kids know if the family is facing an eviction I was the only one home when the marshals came of course my situation was more like my dad saying to me we're gonna lose our house because your mother won't pay the bills isn't she awful not following through with your promises if you told your child you were buying ice cream tomorrow in the hopes that they'd forget and the next day when they asked you tell them no they'll see was unreliable ice cream is just the first thing that came to my mind I'm sure someone else can explain better what I'm trying to say here without sounding so ridiculous I taught my children at very young ages that outside of extreme circumstances failing to keep the promise made as the same as telling a lie therefore I won't make promises to them that I am NOT absolutely certain I can keep they learned early in life I take my promises very seriously and will go to great lengths to honor them we have hit very hard times recently and I have had to delay delivery on some promises which breaks my heart but they know that I will fulfill those promises eventually and are much more empathetic and understanding than their peers have been in similar situations I'm so sorry that you have these memories in this heartbreak there are people out there that will treat you with the respect you deserve and remember that you need to be one of those people to using the most props for jokes in public glad you got to kick out of it dad my dad challenged me to a drinking contest in front of his friends when I was 16 I'm a tiny petite girl and because I always wanted to impress him make him proud I agreed he made me drink JJ Abrams until I threw up and took a photo of my face in the bowl and texted it to all of his mates they were also my work colleagues at a time oh and the first time he ever introduced me to alcohol at 14 years of age he made me do shots of sambuca shot-for-shot with him for some quality time with dad mum had to take me to the bathroom to be sick and put me to bed I recently witnessed a similar mentality at a friend's adult party with a nephew it felt really awkward as a guest to witness the attitude and I wasn't laughing or approving this attitude is so bad I hope you tell your dad not to share photos of you without your permission especially now you're old enough to speak up and simply learning to say no is an important skill in life good luck sticking through a toxic ducking relationship for the kids it doesn't help part ways be good parents spend quality time together with the kids but don't stay together and ducking hate your lives under the guise of it being for the kids we pick up on your [ __ ] it's a terrible example to set well realistically it should be a helicopter parent you always want to look out for your kid right make sure they are not doing things they're supposed to do walk in without knocking it ruins a relationship with a kid because even though you have a sense of privacy the kid doesn't and will always paranoid of anyone entering their room without warning it ruins a kid would my mum let me do this if she okay with it my parents were helicopter parents I was not allowed to lock my bedroom door my mum listened in on my phone calls this was in landline photos and went through my personal belongings when I wasn't home including reading the notes that friends and I passed in school I wasn't allowed to talk to boys or date I'm female doing this only prevents your children from learning how to form healthy relationships you should teach your children how to do things such as date in a safe and responsible manner rather than ban it I wasn't allowed to have friends over or go over to other people's houses my entire childhood then I turned 18 and my parents were flabbergasted at my inability to socialize and lack of friends telling your kid they are always a winner we love our kids and want them to feel special but it's setting them up to be disappointed later in life when they find out not everyone can win let them feel the disappointments early on and teach them it's ok they'll grow up better able to handle the stresses of life I always hated playing games with my younger brother for this reason it was always let him win he's seven years younger whenever I get told that with my sister's I always say no I'm not gonna let them win they won't get any better if I just let them now my eldest sister can actually beat me sometimes so it definitely pays off telling kids they have to finish their plate sometimes there's too much food I was overeating for years and it took a lot of work to break the habit and shed the extra weight treating your young child as a friend you're venting - it's extremely traumatic to be your parents diary there's a thing called covet incest grossest name ever covet incest also known as emotional incest is a type of abuse in which a parent looks to their child for the emotional support that would be normally provided by another adult and an Wikipedia link hey can you please give an example of this is it like sharing serious family problems with a young child or is it something else the saddest part of this question is that my mom had done so many things that everyone is saying is bad not hugging praising telling me to suck it up etc so let me give one that I feel would have helped me out growing up do not be afraid to admit when you are wrong or when you make mistakes to your child my parents would go out of their way to justify any mistake they made and make it seem as if they were right no matter what the situation was gave me a pretty messed up view of right and wrong as well as learning from mistakes but was fixed by my grandma it's a long story that I don't want to get into right now edit row' 11k and silver on my first ever comment and it pertains to my shitty childhood ty but on a serious note I want to reiterate the importance of not only advice but the consequences of not taking said advice X my parents never congratulated me on good grades dealing the right thing etc they would only say that's what you're supposed to do all you better keep it up and threaten me if I didn't live up to their expectations so now as an adult I'm insanely suspicious and at the same time worried of people complimenting me or congratulating me for anything I do my parents won't ever address anything specifically they just say we did the best we could with what we had at the time but they really didn't but because they are giving that blanket answer that allows room for mistakes but not responsibility we can't ever talk about it and sometimes they just flat-out lie and reinvent history from my childhood and teenage years to make themselves look better sometimes I feel like they really believe their own rights sometimes I feel like they really believe their own rights they likely do it's a feature of human memory I grew up in a very strict Asian household my parents were very strict on the never wake us up policy to this day I get very anxious and refused to wake people up in fear of being yelled at and locked in a closet I'm 22 years old Jesus locking kids in a closet is cruelty laws [ __ ] I'm a different Asian and I can corroborate that my parents and that dude in the comment about parents were using the same notes because I ended up locked up in a closet and let me tell you from the perspective of the child that experience is very scary it's quite terrifying and on top of that you as a kid are aware of your small size and helplessness before anyone bigger than you basically everyone so by forcing something like being placed somewhere you can't escape from triggers an instant panic response that I don't think grown-ups understand the magnitude of that response and its impact on the psyche from the perspective of these parents the child is mainly upset by the punishment that is where they have gone horribly wrong and show that they lack the capacity to empathize with the thoughts and feelings of a child edit this thing is getting a bit more attention than I thought I want it to be a little more detailed into what happened because just calling it locked in the closet isn't really close to painting an accurate description I had my hands and feet tied on a child-sized wicker chair and I was gagged then placed in an empty bedroom while my folks pretended to leave the apartment not having a life of your own beyond being a parent your child isn't responsible for your happiness you are if you build your entire sense of self-worth around your child one there's a good chance your child will grow up to resent the pressure to you're setting an example for them to be codependent in their own relationships treating crying as if it's something only weak people do my dad in particular used to yell at me for crying which only made me cry more which made him yell more and you get the point in high school I've tried to bring up the possibility of me having anxiety problems that I'd spoken to the school counselor about because my friends made me go since they were worried he told me I was just a drama queen I can't express that I'm anxious or stressed around my dad because others have it worse even now I'm 21 and seeing a psychiatrist in a couple weeks because I've just felt so bad lately and I would never let my dad know I think I'd rather die than my dad know I've been seeing a psychiatrist and discussing the possibility of me having OCD with said psychiatrist which does explain a lot and is actually kind of comforting for me to know because he'd get so mad at me for being weak I grew up the exact same way but I was treated like this by my mother I especially remember once when I was six we went grocery shopping and she told me to not ask for anything at the store so we get our groceries and we are leading the store and I spot a little ice cream stand so I ask if she can buy me a lime ice prop and the next thing I knew my mouth was bleeding she had slapped me so hard on my mouth that she busted my lip I remember being so confused because we weren't in the store anymore and I hadn't asked for anything in the store the ice cream stand was outside of the store anyways I immediately stopped crying and freaking out from seeing blood so she pulled me to a little alleyway where there was no one around and starts to slap me pull my hair laughing that I'm freaked out by blood taunting me and says that the only way she's going to stop as if I stop crying because crying is for weak people remember biting my already busted lip so hard to stop myself from sobbing and I just covered my face with my hair the whole way home that was the last time I cried in front of her up until about three weeks ago I'm 21 now but let me tell you that crying letting my feelings spill out in front of her was definitely one of the hardest and most empowering things I have ever done giving in to basic human emotion is not weak seeking help is not weak I don't know you but I'm extremely proud of you for seeking help and I am so sorry you've had to go through this edit thank you so much for the silver kind stranger and to everyone being so kind and understanding in the comments Jesus Christ that's horrible I really hope you're doing better now no one deserves to be treated like that thanks for watching subscribe for 3 videos a day [Music]

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Id: o8maDjjvJ6k

Length: 24min 32sec (1472 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 06 2020