Hi. How's it going? So much fun to be here. Some of you guys probably recognize me from The Ellen DeGeneres Show. Started working for Ellen, and then I had to grow this beard so they could tell us apart around the office. (audience laughing) You don't have to laugh that hard at that one. (audience laughing) In addition to being a writer, I also have two karate trophies and three weightlifting trophies because I don't know if you guys know this, but you can just go to the store and buy trophies. (audience laughing) There's no test or background check or anything. Just pick them up and impress people. (audience laughing) They do use me on-air on Ellen, sometimes but like I've only ever been recognized in public once and it really let me know where I fall on the fame scale. Because I was out at a bar, and this girl comes up to me and she goes, "Oh, my gosh, "I've seen you on Ellen. "Can I get a picture with you?" And I said, sure. And she handed me her phone and I tried to get a selfie of us, but nothing happened. And I said, Oh, it says your memory is full. You'll have to delete a picture to make room. And she takes her phone, and she goes, "Mm, nah." (audience laughing) That's the kind of star power you're dealing with here in Provo. (audience laughing) I do something a little bit different than the other comics. I need you guys to participate here a little bit. I do improv stand-up. So I can do stand-up based on any suggestion from the crowd. I just need a word or a phrase to get me started, anything at all. - Rap. - Wrestling. - I think I heard pre-written material in the back. (audience laughing) So I'm glad the pandemic is over. (audience laughing) I'm glad the restaurants are open. We don't have to do the takeout and delivery thing anymore. I saw even Golden Corral had a sign up that said, "Open for takeout and delivery." In case you don't want COVID, but still want all the symptoms. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Like, my chest hurts and my stomach hurts, and none of this food tastes right. (audience laughing) I had to buy everything online during the pandemic. I started doing a lot more online shopping, and I found out, whenever you use your credit card online, it always gives you one of these "are you a robot" tests. You guys all done these? It always asks me one of three questions. It always says, choose the pictures that have traffic lights, choose the pictures that have buses, or choose the pictures that have stop signs. So I have no idea how we're supposed to trust self-driving cars (audience laughing) now that I know the three things robots cannot identify-- (audience laughing) (audience applauding) --are traffic lights, buses, and stop signs. How is that the robot test? You'd think the robot test would be like, choose the pictures that show irony, sadness, and love. But, instead, it's like a DMV exam. It's like, choose the pictures that show blind pedestrians. Robots can't see those. (audience laughing) My car already has technology on it that I don't understand. Like, it has one of these smart radios that tells you what's playing. You know, it says Nirvana when Nirvana comes on and Smashing Pumpkins when Smashing Pumpkins comes on and Garbage when Coldplay comes on. (audience laughing) Somehow it knows. (audience laughing) I was really glad they decided not to cancel the college football season last year because I'm a big college football fan. Anyone else here? (audience cheering) Nice. Yeah, I love college football. The one thing I've never been able to figure out, though, is how is Army not the best college football team? Like, there's just a bunch of school students playing football against each other. And then, for some reason, one of the teams is the United States Army, the most elite fighting force on the planet, and they're not that good. (audience laughing) It doesn't make any sense to me. How do you defeat Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, and the Islamic State in Syria, then lose to Western Kentucky? (audience laughing) (audience applauding) They've also lost to the Warriors, the Spartans, and the Trojans, which means other teams are naming themselves after armies, then beating the actual Army. (audience laughing) And it's got to be weird for the team playing the Army because, like, everything before the game celebrates the Army. First, jets fly over the stadium in honor of the Army. Then everyone sings the National anthem in honor of the Army. Then the announcer is like, "Will everyone please stand and clap "for the man in seat 3B? "He was in the Army." Then they're like, all right, now, let's humiliate the Army. (audience laughing) Let's beat them 54 to 12. (audience laughing) It's true. The only branch of the military with a good football team is the Air Force, but they only have a ground game. It makes no sense at all. (audience laughing) Done a lot of hiking this last year. I went to Joshua Tree a lot because I live in Los Angeles. And I don't do drugs, but I found out, whenever you go to Joshua Tree from Los Angeles, people always say the same thing. They go, "You have to do mushrooms. "Joshua Tree "is beautiful on mushrooms," which sounds like this amazing experience, at first. But you know what else is beautiful on mushrooms? Your garage or the bathroom at a Wendy's. (audience laughing) Everywhere is beautiful on mushrooms. Joshua Tree is not doing the heavy lifting there. You'd be like, oh, you have to see the back seat of my car. It's beautiful this time of year on mushrooms. The whole selling point of Joshua Tree should be exactly the opposite. It should be like, you have to go to Joshua Tree. It's so beautiful, you don't even have to do mushrooms. No one's ever told me anything like that about other National Parks. No one's ever been like, oh, you have to go to Arches and do meth. (audience laughing) Although I'm sure some people have, if you've driven down that way. (audience laughing) I love visiting in the National Parks. They're beautiful. They showcase the wonders of nature that God created for us, which is amazing. I don't know if God would be happy with what we've done with the National Parks. Like, Arches, you know, he's like, "oh, I made all these beautiful stone "arches for you. "What do you call this area?" And we're like, that's the Devil's Garden. (audience laughing) And he's like, "oh, "and what about all these mountains "and canyons I made for you "in California?" And we're like, Devil's Postpile, Devil's Punchbowl, Devil's Canyon, Devil's Backbone. (audience laughing) He's like, "and the rock formation "I made in Wyoming? "You call it the Lord's Hill or "Mount Jesus?" And we're like, no, that's the Devil's Tower. (audience laughing) He's like, "didn't you name anything "after me?" It's like, well, in Colorado we have an area called Garden of the Gods. He's like, "well, you tried, "but you made it plural like I "specifically asked you not to." (audience laughing) (audience cheering) The only one we named after anything in the Bible is Joshua Tree, and we just use it to do mushrooms. (audience laughing) I'm excited for international travel to open up again. The last trip I took, I went to Africa for the first time. It was amazing. It was one of the most amazing trips I've ever been on, but it was the first trip where I had to take medication before I went. I got these malaria pills, and it said on the bottle, take one pill by mouth daily. I was like, you don't have to put "by mouth" on there. (audience laughing) The default place anyone puts pills. (audience laughing) No one guesses another hole first. (audience laughing) No one ever gets a bottle of Tylenol and is like, hmm, it doesn't say where they go. I know where I'm going to stick these. (audience laughing) The only time you have to put instructions on the pill bottle is when they don't go in your mouth. That's when it has to say take one pill, but I'm not taking these pills. I'd rather get malaria. (audience laughing) I want to get the COVID vaccine. I haven't gotten it yet. But, like, it's weird because I've never been skeptical of vaccines. And then the harder they try to push it, the more skeptical I get. Like, I was all on board with it. You know, like they used to have -- they had a measles vaccine. I was like, yeah, I'll get that. And they came out with a tetanus vaccine. I'm like, yeah, I'll get that. They had a Lyme disease vaccine. I was like, I'll get that. Then they came out with the COVID vaccine. I'm like, yeah, I'll get that. And they're like, "come on, "we'll give you free doughnuts "and your rights back." (audience laughing) I'm like, all right, relax. I said I'd get it. I'll go to my doctor. They're like, "no, don't go "to your doctor. "Just come to Dodger Stadium. "We'll give it to you in a van "in the parking lot." (audience applauding) I'm like, what is in this vaccine? (audience laughing) Honestly, all Joe Biden has to do to get me to get the vaccine is to go 24 hours without telling me to get the vaccine. I've literally been on my way out the door to go to CVS to get the vaccine, and then Joe Biden pops on the TV and goes, "you better "get the vaccine." Then I'm like, nope, something's up. (audience laughing) I know. You should get the vaccine. I don't want to get in trouble. They'll put a warning on this on YouTube. (audience laughing) I do hope the economy recovers. You know, a lot of people are worried about the economy, right now. They're worried about how they're doing economically, how they're doing financially. But don't worry. I figured out a perfect way to tell where you stand economically. It all depends on how you feel about Red Lobster. If you think Red Lobster is a fancy restaurant, you are not doing well economically. (audience laughing) Because Red Lobster is not a fancy restaurant. It's Applebee's, plus lobster. (audience laughing) The thing they're most famous for is their Cheddar Bay biscuits, which is weird because, if you serve lobster but you're more famous for the free bread you left on the table, (audience laughing) you are not making the lobster correctly. (audience laughing) It's really nice to be back on the road for stand-up. Whenever I'm on the road, I try to travel cheap, so I stay at Motel 6 a lot. And then, some nights, I'm in the mood for something a little cleaner and classier, and I just sleep in the car. (audience laughing) Motel 6 is like the Red Lobster of hotels. (audience laughing) I don't mind staying in a different motel every night, but then I have to figure out how a different shower works every morning, which always makes me feel like I'm a lab rat in some sort of cruel experiment. I'm just standing there, naked and scared, in front of a bunch of buttons and levers, and I know that one of them will punish me with hot water and one of them will punish me with cold water. But if I can figure out the code, I'll get some warm water. (audience laughing) Of course, the whole experiment's being timed because, if you don't figure it out by 9:00 AM and get downstairs, they take away breakfast, and you don't get any cheese. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) When I flew in here, I got to sit-in the exit row on the plane. They always ask you that question, where they're like, "are you willing and able to help "in an emergency?" And I don't know if I could do it, but I always say yes. (audience laughing) Because, if I fail, no one's going to live to tell about it. (audience laughing) There are no consequences to lying on that question. Just go for the leg room. Worst case scenario, you die slightly more comfortable than the people behind you. (audience laughing) You ever hear someone change their mind on that question? That always puts you at ease before the flight. I was on a flight, and this guy was sitting in front of me. And the flight attendant comes over and she goes, "Sir, are you "willing and able to help "in an emergency?" And he goes, No. No. And she goes, "Well, then I'm "going to have to ask you to move. "I need a verbal yes in order "to sit here." And he goes, OK, yes. (audience laughing) Really? You just temporarily forgot that you can save 180 lives, if need be. (audience laughing) But I flew back to Pennsylvania once, last year. That was the time I was on a flight to see a friend of mine who just became a father. And, like all new parents, he pretends that he likes fatherhood, but I can tell he's sick of it just by the way he talks about the baby. He goes, "Oh, it's great. "She's so cute, but she wakes up "at 3:00 AM every night to feed." I was like, nothing that you love feeds. (audience laughing) Ticks and vampires and parasites feed, things that suck the life out of you. Nobody talks that way about something they love. It's never like, oh, me and my wife just celebrated our one-year anniversary. I took her to Red Lobster so she could feed. (audience laughing) They have kids now. I think that's great. I'd like to have kids someday. I don't know if you guys have kids. It seems fun, but it's a big responsibility and it's a much bigger responsibility than it used to be because they don't stay kids forever, and no one ever moves out of their parents' house anymore. So you're going to have a kid for 12 years and then a teenager for six years. And then, for the rest of your life, you just have an adult, just some balding jerk with a mustache who's as big as you are and gets DUIs and stuff. (audience laughing) No one prepares you for that part. They're always like, "watch out "for the terrible twos." They're never like, "watch out "for the divorced 41s." (audience laughing) (audience cheering) I like kids though. I like babies. I saw a Pro-Life billboard the other day It said, "Babies get hiccups even "before they are born." Which is true and I do not support abortion. But I bet a visit to the clinic would scare those hiccups away. (audience laughing) I like that one because it's a Pro-Life joke that offends Pro-Life people. It just alienates everybody. (audience laughing) No one knows what to think of me anymore. (audience laughing) More political jokes? (audience laughing) It's hard to do political jokes, right now, because this country is so divided. We're fighting over so many stupid things like transgender bathrooms. People are arguing over whether transgender people should use the bathroom that matches their biological sex or the bathroom that matches their gender identity. And both sides are upset because they don't want to use a public bathroom with someone who makes them uncomfortable, which makes perfect sense, unless you've ever used a public bathroom. (audience laughing) There's always someone who makes you uncomfortable. There's always a stranger who wants to talk while you're peeing or there's a homeless person using the sink as a shower or someone who makes eye contact through that gap in the stall door. (audience laughing) Or there's a kid who's almost 12 but still pulls his pants all the way down to pee, (audience laughing) in the ladies room. (audience laughing) We never were getting the genders that right in the first place. (audience laughing) No, using a public bathroom and being comfortable is not a real experience anyone has. There's no reason to take that fight to the Supreme Court. Like, the justices are in their 80s. They have enough of their own bathroom issues to deal with. (audience laughing) But that's what we're fighting about. Like, transgender women don't want to use the men's room, and then a lot of other women don't want those transgender people in their bathroom because they're biologically men. So what it all comes down to is no one wants to use the bathroom with men. (audience laughing) Like, as divisive as the issue is, we all agree that men and their bodies are disgusting. (audience laughing) And it's true. Men's bodies are way more disgusting than women's bodies. Just look at the sexy outfits people wear. Sexiest thing a woman can wear is lingerie, which is basically nothing at all. Sexiest thing a man can wear is a three-piece suit. (audience laughing) Just layers and layers of material (audience laughing) covering every inch of his horrible body. (audience laughing) Then, just to be safe, it's tied around his neck to make sure it doesn't fall off. (audience laughing) I do think it's weird that women carry an entire purse with them everywhere they go, and all guys have is a wallet. Like, ladies, why do you need something 10 times bigger to carry 30% less money? (audience laughing) In case you haven't figured out, I am a Republican, but it's too late for anyone to hate me. You already laughed at some of the jokes. (audience laughing) It's rare to find conservative comedians. In LA, I do these jokes, and I'll get people to coming up to me after a show. One time, this woman comes up to me and she goes, "Are you doing "a character up there, "or do you really mean all "that ignorant stuff you said?" (audience laughing) I'm like, relax. Of course, I don't mean all that ignorant stuff I said. The real Adam loves Red Lobster. (audience laughing) But they're all politically correct out there. They call everything racist, now. There's even this stereotype that NASCAR fans are all rednecks and racist, which I don't really think is fair because I don't think NASCAR fans can help it. (audience laughing) I don't. I mean, people who are into the cello are cellists. And people are into gymnastics are gymnasts. So, naturally, people who are into racing-- (audience laughing) (audience applauding) --are racists, if anyone's still working on it. (audience laughing) I do like living out in Hollywood. They have weird political issues out there, though. They ban plastic straws because apparently they take 100 million years to decompose. They've replaced them with paper straws, which decompose before I finish my drink. (audience laughing) My only options are either kill a sea turtle or have compost in the bottom of my cup. (audience laughing) I know it's good they got those straws out of the ocean to make room for these masks. (audience laughing) (audience applauding) We have a big homeless crisis out there, right now. I actually got in an argument with a homeless person the other day. It wasn't even over money. He was sitting on the sidewalk, and he goes, "Hey buddy, "you got the time?" And I said no, and I kept walking. And he goes, "What do you mean, "jerk? "You're wearing a watch." And I turn around. I'm like, I'm not a jerk. My watch battery is dead. I don't know what time it is, and he goes, "Well why are you "wearing it?" I was like, because I don't need the watch to tell time. There's clocks everywhere. The watch is just an expensive status symbol to show that I have more money than-- you're right. I'm a jerk. (audience laughing) I do like living out there, but the earthquakes still scare me because I grew up on the East Coast. So I have no idea what you're supposed to do to stay safe in an earthquake. Ever since I moved to the West Coast, I've only ever heard two pieces of advice. First thing I've been told is that you're supposed to stand in a doorway. Second thing I've been told is, no, that's not true. You're not supposed to stand in a doorway. And that's all anyone will tell me. (audience laughing) No one has any idea what you're actually supposed to do in an earthquake. Then someone tried to tell me you're supposed to lay on the ground. I was like, the ground is what's trying to kill you. But I keep hearing that we're due for the big one. And I want to be prepared, so I went out and I researched it and I got this stuff. It's called Earthquake Putty. It's like a super adhesive for your furniture, and I used it to glue googly eyes to all my stuff. (audience laughing) Won't save my life. It'll just look kind of funny as I'm dying. (audience laughing) Live on my own, right now, but I want to get a pet. And I want to get a dog, and everyone goes, "oh, you've "got to get one from a shelter." They go, "you got to get the dog "from the shelter." So I went to the shelter to check it out, and you wouldn't believe all the breeds you can pick from. You can get like a Husky-Pit Bull mix or a Golden Retriever-Pit Bull mix or a Chihuahua-Pit Bull mix. If you're not a dog person, they have kittens and parakeets that are Pit Bull mix. (audience laughing) Not that there's anything wrong with Pit Bulls. Like, my neighbor has one, and it's adorable. Even has one of those little stick-figure families on the back of his car, and he added a little Pit Bull. And then, two days later, he scraped off one of the kids. (audience laughing) Some people try to defend Pit Bulls. They say, oh, they're the sweetest dog in the world. They just have a bad reputation. Then, every time I turn on the TV, a Pit Bull is doing something horrible. It's always like Pit Bull attacks jogger or Pit Bull bites child or Pitbull's collaborating with R. Kelly. (audience laughing) There's probably some newer rapper I could update that with. Like, I don't know the rappers now. I just know they have face tattoos everywhere, which is weird. Like, 15 years ago, I was like, why would anybody want a stupid face tattoo like Mike Tyson? And now I find myself going, why can't you just get a nice face tattoo, like Mike Tyson? (audience laughing) Just a good, old-fashioned, conservative face tattoo. He could land a job interview with that. Or one of those teardrops that says you killed someone-- something nice. Now, these rappers have lines under their cheeks and squiggles on their foreheads and numbers under their eyes. It looks like they went out and got one stupid face tattoo and then, to teach them a lesson, their dad made them get an entire pack of stupid face tattoos. (audience laughing) I'm kidding. They don't have dads. - Oh. - Oh! (audience laughing) - I ought to get something to eat after this. I saw there was a McDonald's nearby. The McDonald's sign is always weird to me because it says 99 billion served. But I looked it up, and there's only 7.5 billion people on Earth, which means McDonald's food has killed 91.5 billion people. (audience laughing) But we love to eat in this country. I read a study that said Americans, nowadays, get more excited about eating than they do about intimacy. Someone's all onboard for that. (audience laughing) Who are you here with? No, it does happen. (audience laughing) No, that sounded crazy to me at first, that people like eating more than intimacy. But then I thought about it, and it is reflected in the metaphors we use. Like, kissing is first base. Then fooling around is second and third base. And then going all the way is a home run. But two eggs, bacon, hash browns, and pancakes is a Grand Slam. (audience laughing) A lot of Denny's fans here tonight. I asked a friend if he wanted to meet me at Denny's for dinner, and he goes, "No, I haven't showered "all day and I smell bad." I was like, have you been to Denny's before? Never stopped anyone from going. It's not a fancy place like Red Lobster. All right, thanks a lot, you guys. That's my time. Thank you, Dry Bar Comedy. (audience cheering)
