- Utah, thank you so much. Thank you. This is so great. It's my first time in Utah. And this is-- yeah. (audience cheering) Thank you. The only thing I knew about Utah is that your basketball team is called the Jazz. And then I got here, and everybody looked like you guys. (audience laughing) The jazz? Is it the smooth jazz? (audience laughing) Strong John Tesh, Kenny G. energy around here. (audience laughing) No, but it's great. I'm so glad to be here. This is so fantastic. Something you should know about me right off the top is I was homeschooled the whole way through without a TV or the internet. (audience laughing) Might want to adjust your expectations a little bit. (audience laughing) Your boy has got some deficits. (audience laughing) I don't know a lot of things. (audience laughing) I like to call myself a lifelong learner because I'm pretty sure it's going to take me that long to catch up. (audience laughing) But when you're homeschooled, you do realize pretty quickly that it's probably not going to matter how well you do. (audience laughing) Even if you work really hard, graduate top of your class (audience laughing) like my brother did, (audience laughing) at best, you're going to know a little bit less than your parents. (audience laughing) Listen, my parents are great. I love 'em to death, wonderful people. But neither one of them went to college. (audience laughing) It's actually not that big a deal. (audience laughing) But it does mean that I basically graduated with an early 1970s high school education. (audience laughing) So I did go to college. And I remember my first day, some guy comes up to me, hands me a flier. And he's like, "hey, man, you want "to do something "about global warming?" And I was like, hey, man, I'm not sure what that is. But would you like to get our boys out of Vietnam? (audience laughing) What about them? (audience laughing) Why don't we get rid of Nixon? He seems bad. (audience laughing) I grew up in Texas, right outside of San Antonio. Where I was born and raised. And I don't know how much you know about San Antonio, but it's about 65% Hispanic. It's a wonderful city. But growing up, a lot of the kids called me (spanish term) I don't know if that's a term you've heard, (spanish term) I heard it so much growing up, I just assumed it was Spanish for Jeremy. (audience laughing) It's not. (audience laughing) It's actually Spanish for "white boy," which is English for "Jeremy." So wasn't completely wrong. (audience laughing) A lot of Jeremys here tonight. (audience laughing) I liked growing up in Texas. It's a great place, especially if you're homeschooled because most people can't tell. (audience laughing) Listen, we were called the Lone Star State for a reason. It was by the Department of Education. And it was our rating. (audience laughing) We've earned a lot of the stereotypes down there. We have. I learned a little while ago that in Norway, they use "Texas" as another word for crazy. (audience laughing) And I read this. And I was like, no way. So I did some more googling. It's absolutely true. They've been doing it for a long time. I also learned while I was googling that in Texas, a lot of people have been using "Norway" as another word for Finland, (audience laughing) Iceland, Denmark, IKEA. (audience laughing) We're real bad at geometry down there you guys. It's a tough subject. It's a real tough-- (audience laughing) One time I told that story. And a lady in the audience was like, "I think you meant "geography?" (audience laughing) I was like, no, ma'am. I definitely meant Norway. (audience laughing) Not even sure geography is a real country, to be honest with you. (audience laughing) I'll have to ask my parents. (audience laughing) My whole family, they still live down there. And they are all very "Texas," as the Norwegians would say. (audience laughing) Here's how "Texas" my parents are. For Christmas this past year, they bought each other guns, Christmas guns. (audience applauding) I honestly think it was a good thing. I think it's a sign that they still deeply love each other because I just don't think you buy your partner a gun unless you're really sure things are going to end up well. (audience laughing) I don't want to get into the politics of guns. I think we can all agree, though, that if you do decide to introduce firearms into your relationship, you should both get one (audience laughing) because a marriage where only one person has a gun is really just a hostage situation. (audience laughing) And a true marriage is a union between two equally armed people (audience laughing) locked in a Cold War for all eternity. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) My wife and I, we're very old-fashioned. No guns. It's just hand-to-hand combat and the silent treatment. (audience laughing) Actually, last time I was down in Texas, I saw a guy with a T-shirt that said, "if Jesus had a gun, "he'd still be alive." (audience laughing) I know. I was like, buddy, you didn't finish that story, did you? (audience laughing) Surprise ending. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) Then I was like, well, how does this guy imagine it would have gone down if Jesus did have a gun? (audience laughing) They come to arrest him and take him to the cross. And he's just like, "not today Satan. (audience laughing) "You come at the King of kings, "you best not miss. (audience laughing) "Now start saying your prayers "because you're about "to meet my dad." (audience cheering) That's silly. (audience laughing) I grew up in the church. I was a youth group kid. That's where you make most of your friends when you're homeschooled. And me and my friends, we started a Christian rock band when we were 16. I don't know if you're familiar with Christian rock, it's just like regular rock but usually not as good, (audience laughing) which is why it really hurts when your Christian rock band doesn't make it 'cause you're like, man, we didn't even have to be that talented. (audience laughing) And that's when you got a call the band together for a meeting and be like, "well, Malachi, (audience laughing) "Zechariah, Jeff from public school. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) "I guess it just wasn't God's will, "huh?" (audience laughing) And that's when God's like, hold on a second. That wasn't anybody's will, OK? Don't blame that on me. I like regular rock. (audience laughing) A lot of my friends-- a lot of my youth group friends wore promise rings, purity rings. Don't know if y'all are familiar with those here. Some sad nods from people still wearing theirs. (audience laughing) I didn't wear one. If you're not familiar, it's just a ring that teens would wear to let the world know that they were just as big a nerd in private as they are in public until they get married. And I didn't wear one. I didn't have to, because I was homeschooled. So that would be redundant. (audience laughing) I realized really quickly, actually, that a nice pair of handmade corduroy pants sewn by my mom sent the exact same message you guys. (audience laughing) Yeah. (audience clapping) Called them my purity pants. (audience laughing) Any belt can be a chastity belt if you're wearing your purity pants you guys. (audience laughing) I did eventually get married. It's great. I love being married so much, I've done it twice. And I also have five kids. - Nice. - Oh. (audience cheering) I love it. Everywhere else in the country, people are like, what? Five kids? But in Utah, they're like, "he's just getting started." (audience laughing) Nobody is surprised. (audience laughing) Yeah, it's great. They're not all mine. I've got four sons from my first marriage. They're all basically teenagers now. And then I picked up a little stepdaughter off of free agency a couple of years ago. I'm very excited about. It's very cool. But I love being a dad. It's a lot of kids. But I love being a dad, especially when I look like I could be one of them. That makes it fun. I went and had lunch with my fifth grader not too long ago. And he introduced me to one of the kids in his class. And this kid was a good two or three inches taller than me, probably 15 pounds of chicken nuggets heavier and had the most gorgeous mustache I have ever seen on a child. (audience laughing) And so my son introduces me to this girl. And I'm not making this up. She looks right at me. And she goes, "did you get beat up "a lot in elementary school? "Because you look like you got "beat up a lot in elementary school." (audience laughing) And I was like, no, I was homeschooled. I think this will be my first time. (audience laughing) She ended up being really nice, though. And I didn't get beat up. But I did stay for recess. And we played basketball with the kids. And I was on my son's team. His name is Elliot. And our team was just killing it because-- not to brag. But I'm really good at fifth grade basketball. (audience laughing) And so we're just crushing the other team. A little boy on the other team gets mad. And he slams the ball down. And he goes, "man, of course, "they're winning. "They've got Elliot's brother "on their team. (audience laughing) "He's almost a grown man." (audience laughing) If you ever find yourself arguing with an elementary schooler about whether you are a real man or not, (audience laughing) you've already lost. There's nothing you can do. He's got to take your ball and go home like a grown man. (audience laughing) You got to have coping strategies when you have a lot of kids. You all know this. One of my favorite ones is hiding in the bathroom. (audience laughing) - Whoa! Whoa! - Yeah, yeah, that's where the real dads are. Yeah, hiding in the bathroom, it's my favorite thing. I had the kids all to myself the other night for dinner. And things got so crazy around the table, I just took my whole meal, plate, drink, everything into the bathroom and finished it there. And I had 20 minutes of me time until they found me. (audience laughing) And now we can't go back to that Applebee's but, (audience laughing) I would totally do it again. I'll do it at Chili's the next time. I don't care. (audience laughing) No, I took up running when we had kids. It's a good stress reliever, running, because you can just imagine yourself never stopping. And, no, I always come back. But the other day I went on a run. And I saw one of my son's friends running towards me on the same trail. And he had been at our house the night before. We watched a movie and played some games and stuff. And so he's running towards me. And as we pass, I go for the high five. And I go, hey, man, great time last night. And he just got a weird look on his face and kept on running, which is when I realized that's not the same kid. (audience laughing) And I was like, what do I do? I can't chase him. (audience laughing) And what would I say if I caught him that wouldn't sound totally creepy? Young man, young man, I'm so sorry. I made a huge mistake. It was actually a different teenage boy I had a great time with last night. He looked just like you. I'm so sorry. My bad. (audience laughing) I can't do that. I just got to stop talking to people when I'm on a run. It never goes well. I went for a run on a track near my house. And it was late in the evening. And there was one middle-aged white lady walking the track. And as I was coming out to pass her the first time, I tried to warn her because I didn't want to startle her. So I'm like, I'm coming up on the left. And she can't hear me, because she's got her earbuds in. And so I go to pass. And she jumps and goes, "oh, I "thought you were going " to murder me." (audience laughing) And what I should have said was, sorry, and kept running. But, instead, my brain tried to make a joke. The only thing that came out was, "no, next time." (audience laughing) Yeah, not the right thing to say, especially not when you are running on a loop. (audience laughing) I just went home because I support women. (audience laughing) My youngest son is 12 now. And he's my favorite because he's the best one. (audience laughing) And people always tighten up when I talk about parents having favorites. It's not that weird. Clap it up if you know your parents had favorites. (audience clapping) Yeah. (audience clapping) Those of you that didn't clap, sorry to break it to you. That just means you weren't it. (audience laughing) Every parent has favorites, and it changes all the time. It's not a big deal. (audience laughing) I love this boy. He was recently diagnosed with ADHD, which is really helpful diagnosis so that we could understand why he is the way he's always been. And it made me think of the first time he ever played organized basketball. He was seven or eight. And I had the distinct privilege and honor of being his coach because none of the other parents volunteered. (audience laughing) And the day before our first practice, I got a message from the YMCA letting me know that they were going to be placing a little boy with special needs on my team. And I was like, wonderful. That's great. I can't wait to meet him. And then I spent the rest of the season trying to figure out which little boy it was. (audience laughing) I don't know if you've ever seen 7 and 8-year-olds all playing basketball together for the first time. (audience laughing) I was like, it could be any of them. Is it all of them? (audience laughing) And now I know it was actually my kid the whole time. So well-played YMCA. (audience laughing) My stepdaughter, she's our youngest. She's eight. She calls me her bonus dad. I know. It's super cute. And I get it. She's trying to set the expectation for our relationship. She's like, I don't know. I guess I'll take him. But I can't just assume he's always going to be around. He's not my salary dad. (audience laughing) I like to tease her and call her my timeshare daughter. (audience laughing) She thinks it's because she spends part of her time at our house and part of her time with her salary dad. But it's actually because I got talked into her by a real pretty saleswoman promising me a fun, free weekend, no strings attached. (audience laughing) And now I've got a long-term contract and maintenance fees that I can't get out of. (audience laughing) (audience cheering) She's usually not even available on the weekends we really want her. So we always want her. We always want her. (audience laughing) Yeah, we're a mixed family. My wife and stepdaughter are both vegan. (audience laughing) And me and my sons are all healthy. (audience laughing) So I'm working through that. Been eating a lot of Beyond Meat and Impossible Burgers. These are plant-based meat alternatives. So scientists have figured out a way to get a bunch of plants and vegetables, run them through a process, and get a kind of meat, which is pretty cool. But it's also what cows have been doing for hundreds of years. (audience cheering) They just do it way better. (audience laughing) I think somebody needs to come up with a meat-based plant alternative for people who don't like vegetables. (audience laughing) And it can just be like ground beef, dyed green. And you could shape it into whatever little vegetable you want, (audience laughing) Call it, "Possibly Burger." (audience laughing) We're at the grocery store all the time. My favorite is Costco. I love Costco. Everyone at Costco, it looks like either they believe they're going to live forever, or the end of the world is nigh. (audience laughing) There's no in-between. And it's full of optimists. Costco is full of optimists. I love to see an 80-year-old woman with a box of 900 butter cookies. (audience laughing) What are you going to do with those, Ethel? Put them in your will? What's the move here? (audience laughing) My favorite thing about Costco is they never asked me if I want to round up. They're like, we've taken enough of this man's money. We'll let him keep his change. Every other grocery store I go into now, it's like, hey, do you want to round up? That's $0.17 up to $1 and donate it to charity. I mean, I have no problem donating to charity. I think that's a great idea. But that's not how math works. Even I know. If it's $0.50 or more, you round up. If it's under $0.50, you round-- - Down. - Has the grocery store ever asked you if you wanted to round down? (audience laughing) I think we got to start taking the initiative. Be like, "hey, you want to round that "$49 down to zero "and help feed some hungry children "in your local community? "Because I've got five of them "in my car right now." All right, that's it for me. My name is Jeremy Alder. You guys have been so great. Thank you so much, Utah. Fantastic. Thank you.
