25 Best Weekend Update Jokes of All Time

hollywood prostitute devine brown has written a book describing in lurid detail exactly what she did with hugh grant the book sells for twenty five dollars but for thirty five dollars she'll show you at the white house this week president clinton officially came out against same-sex marriages what's more the president said he is not too crazy about opposite-sex marriages either a new fbi study shows that for the first time americans are more likely to be killed by a stranger than a loved one or acquaintance their advice introduce yourself to as many people as possible the american academy of pediatrics has released an updated list of unsafe baby products topping the list this year is the really really really really high chair well dr jack kevorkian was responsible for another death this week this time a 58 year old woman she is the 26th of kevorkian's patients to die since 1990. when are people going to realize he is not a good doctor do not go to this man the richest girl in the world billionaire athena onassis celebrated her 10th birthday this week what's it like to be the richest girl in the world well to give you some idea at the party they had two cakes a new hangover free vodkas on the market yeah the ads claim that the 80 proof vodka is so pure it's virtually headache-free but before you run out and buy it remember it causes massive anal bleeding julia roberts told reporters this week that her marriage to lyle lovett has been over for some time the key moment she said came when she realized that she was julia roberts and that she was married to lyle levitt the results are in for 1995 and once again microsoft ceo bill gates is the richest man in america gates says that he is grateful for his huge financial success but it still makes him sad when he looks around and sees other people who have any money whatsoever [Laughter] in a brilliant move during closing arguments simpson attorney johnny cochran put on the knit cap prosecutors say o.j war the night he committed the murders although o.j may have hurt his case when he suddenly blurted out hey hey easy with that that's my lucky stabbing hat and in music news number one on the college charts this summer was better than ezra and at number two ezra according to a controversial new biography elizabeth taylor likes her love making loud rough and frequent coincidentally that's also how she likes to eat well it's official there you go michael jordan is leaving baseball to return to basketball it is unclear whether the media will now refer to him by his old basketball nickname air jordan or his more recent baseball nickname senior crappy in walnut creek california anyone who turns in his gun can get free therapy and anyone who doesn't turn in his gun can get free anything well earlier this week actor marlon brando met with jewish leaders to apologize for comments he made on larry king live among them that quote hollywood is run by jews the jewish leaders accepted the actor's apology and announced that brando is now free to work again at virginia commonwealth university a professor is being sued following revelations that he spanked one of his students it was the student's parents who first became suspicious when they asked what kind of marks are you getting and she replied big red ones on my ass yippee jerry rubin died last week oh i'm sorry that should read yippy jerry rubin died last week sorry about that i'm sorry my mistake completely just i didn't read it right former first lady nancy reagan reports that her husband has been relaxing at their ranch riding horses and chopping wood sadly eyewitnesses report that he was actually riding wood and chopping horses it was revealed this week that mass murderer richard speck while serving a life term in prison was videotaped with hormone-induced breasts snorting cocaine and having sex with a man the film was apparently made with prison video equipment and a three hundred thousand dollar grant from the national endowment for the arts dr james watts a neurosurgeon who performed the first frontal lobotomy died this week in washington if you recall a lobotomy involves drilling holes in the skull and then inserting and rotating a knife to destroy brain cells what a genius he'll be missed [Music] to be shut down until it can be made scarier when the attraction reopens in two weeks it will be exactly the same but missing six bolts last week during his latest trial on charges of assisted suicide dr jack kevorkian startled the michigan courtroom when he stood up and shouted this is a lynching everyone turned to look and sure enough he just lynched some old guy gary kasparov tied deep blue the ibm supercomputer that can examine 200 million positions per second in the fourth game of their six-game series earlier in the week kasparov admitted he made a catastrophic blunder in game two when he failed to force a draw by moving rook to e8 with all due respect to mr kasparov what the hell were you thinking a french man who calls himself the snake man was arrested this week after climbing up the side of a manhattan high-rise yep he climbed right up the side of a high-rise just like a snake in north dakota this week a hunter narrowly escaped death when a pocket knife in his breast pocket deflected a bullet shot by another hunter man you know we have too many weapons in this country when people are getting shot in the knife and that's it see you next week

Channel: I'm not Norm

Views: 2,869,113

Keywords:

Id: WoPg0BvxuCo

Length: 8min 35sec (515 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 09 2021