(Ralph in artificially low voice.) In the beginning... God created heaven and earth. And the earth was without form and void . And darkness was upon the face of the deep. And The Spirit of God moved upon the face of the waters. And God Said let there be light. DUH DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH!!!!! God saw the light that it was good and God divided the light from the darkness But why create the earth? Why create the heavens? It's part of God's ultimate plan What he's been building into. The Earth. The Heavens. Humans. Animals. Plants. All in service, of creating one thing. One organism. The second coming of Christ A man who will change the world forever. And that man is Nicolas Cage. (Look at this @#$%#$@) (Normal Ralph)My feelings on Nick Cage are weird Because on one hand he's a really great actor And he's given many great performances before whether they're comedic or serious he brings a lot of like, Likability and heart and humor to characters he plays. and he's been in tons of great movies. By that same token. And other stuff. He's just fuckin wretched ahhhhhhhhh not the bees!!!! nahhh not the bees!!!!not the bees!!!! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! my eyes! my eyes!!ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!! I Mean the guy's a legend There's no denying it. Nicolas Cage is a legend. So why is Nicolas Cage in so many bad movies now? There has to be a reason right?(no) Because you got a guy who's been nominated for Oscars. He's been in great movies He's worked with some of the best directors in Hollywood. He's been the leading role in huge franchises like Ghost Rider (Ralph)He's in national treasure dude, (nick)we've got to steal the Declaration of Independence ( Ralph impersonating nick)we've got to steal the Declaration of Independence I'm gonna kidnap the president United States ( Ralph impersonating nick)we've got to steal the president of United States I ahhh I ahhh Well I So why is this guy like in straight-to-video movies now? You know that old saying? "You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain"? Nicolas Cage has not become the villain. He's just become ah ah. A Fucking hack(holding back laughter). When you're an old actor, you should just retire and stop being in movies You know, but Nicolas Cage's issue is that he spent A Fuck ton of money. He owes the IRS six point three million dollars in property taxes He used to own 15 houses. One of them was a twenty five million dollar waterfront home in Newport Beach, California He had like a 15 point seven million dollar countryside estate in Newport, Rhode Island. eight point five million dollar property in Las Vegas eight point four million dollar mansion in New Orleans two castles in Europe one costed ten million dollars And the other one cost two point three million dollars he bought a three million dollar deserted island in the Bahamas he has a nine foot tall burial tomb a A $450,000 Lamborghini $150,000 on an octopus 150,000 more dollars on the first Superman comic two hundred seventy six thousand dollars on a seven million year old dinosaur skull I want to feel bad for the guy. I really do but my god he He blew a hundred and fifty million dollars on a bunch of shit He was just stupid with his money and because of that he has to basically take every role that is offered to him so this Is our first ever Nick Cage-athon? That's what I'm gonna. Call it and Nic Cage athon where we go through Just a bunch of movies Nic Cage has been in recently I mean it'll narrow down in like the past two years How much you want about all of these movies on Netflix?(150,000,000) so we got mom and dad the humanity Bureau? inconceivable vengeance a love story The terrible title USS Indianapolis men of courage dog-eat-dog. That's a good one DUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You gotta love the little trailers that netflix puts together WTF?! Willem Dafoe's in this too sadly he's another guy. I just I love him, and I don't know what he's doing in this Think about this. Movie is it's somewhat wall shot. It's definitely got production value That's not the issue the issue is the story makes no sense the characters are all thoroughly Unlikable and not interesting It does nothing but rip off other things that do what it's trying to do way better Like that one? For some reason this parts in black and white even though the rest of the movie isn't and there's no reason why it's in black And white they just they felt like it Don't you love those transitions? (Ralph impersonating this crap director) I'm gonna have people walking from the frame. I'm Edgar Write! NO You're not you suck. This film was directed by Paul Schrader writer of... taxi driver and Raging Bull two of the greatest movies ever made were written by the man Who directed this (Nic) I know this guy in a very particular way? Dude, just stick to writing! One of the writers is the writer of Looking Glass Another Nic Cage movie. I like the dubstep music in the background (Ralph has seizure) (Ralph) Wow nice framing. These guys saw Mr. Robot - who - Sam as milder ectis it by himself the house up in Rocky whatever big little gaudy thing then he's renovating You know that party look dude. I know all up see town better than anybody. He's got a 300 pound pool He calls a bouncer. (Wreck it Ralph) What the fuck are they talking about?! But not in the hood. (Ralphie) This thing has been going on for ten minutes, or I don't know what you're fucking going on I don't know who these people are gonna need three so who you got you got diesel. Yeah, and No no who is this guy (Ralph thinks about suicide part III) Stop it. Get some help. As competent as this movie is on certain levels. I'll give it certain levels the editing is just horrid On top of all that it's a completely tone-deaf movie and when you watch it You're just going is this supposed to be funny. Is this supposed to be like a serious crime film I think it's going for a Tarantino kind of thing that kind of tone But it doesn't work at all because all the characters are just fucking just horribly Unlikable and evil what night about cage and Dafoe and they both have this kind of charisma Which is they can play characters? Who you really do not like? But you love watching them play those characters. It's like you didn't write any interesting characters. They all suck They're all one-dimensional bastards And it's just a bunch of scenes of them being crass and killing people Oh Greco tells me you're a heavy guy Your weight I mean that apparently you are a gentleman of some power and influence Nicolas Cage in this is just just Terrible do you think I look like Humphrey Bogart? No Well you see that's interesting because I'm a big film buff Bogart was the best that King Okay, we got a writer really wants to be Tarantino, but he sucks and then he got a fucking Nicolas Cage He's trying to act like he said a Tarantino movie like this is his demo reel for Tarantino And I system I says do you think I look like Humphrey Bogart? He says well Yeah, you do but a stretched-out version of him You know what I says to him I says I system I says so they killed warm Dafoe It was just a scene that happened for no reason So dog is gone Yep We're family we're friendly What so then after that they go to a grocery store for some reason and then the police come to? to arrest Nicolas Cage Nicolas Cage goes super saiyan Great choreography This will go on forever if you let it. What was that? What the hell was that anyone with half a brain would go that looks bad, so let's cut that out of the movie But no, they just kept it in and we're zooming out of hearts, and we're dooming in in his face Do you like the dramatic zooms? So when you want to zoom in I'm just teaching the guy directing this movie out of director movie when you want to Zoom in on a guy you uh you do that right? What shitty directors. Do is in post-production They go oh, I want to zoom there So they just fucking digitally zoom in and it looks like shit every time they do it And then we hear Nicolas Cage talking in the background was he saying samurai cop Is that what he's saying and then they didn't have the budget to show a car crash So you just there's just a bunch of shots of just shit police officers somehow dead Nicolas Cage out of jail and bring him to some random Dump and they handcuff him to the car just drag him across the floor So now we cut to a nice older couple just leaving a diner and Nicolas Cage's Last seen he was being dragged by police officers, and now he's just how did he break free? Did you forget to shoot a scene? Nicolas Cage is talking like a 50s gangster now? He just decided to switch accents in the middle of movie you ever been inside Reverend in the joint Yes, sir. Well, then you know the guy's a pastor guys made mistakes They say they forgive you but they never do they're always looking at you trying to catch something All we want heck all anybody wants is justice. (Probably what the director said) What is he doing?! I was explaining to the officer And she she panicked she thought I was Resisting yeah, that's right resisting and my friend was just trying to say me Any wait a minute. I know you know what's what? Well, looks like ralp is going to go himself now.. Yeah, you understand how this goes and I can tell you a good person too. You care about your wife Yeah, you're a good man. All right. Here's what? You gotta make it out of this the wife's gonna. Be safe, and you're gonna be fine Nek minnute Seems like they didn't finished shooting the movie That's what it feels like cuz it's just these disjointed pieces that don't really make any sense together I didn't want justice I just wanted what I wanted just like everyone and the rest of it was verbiage So they ran out of money and didn't get to finish the movie So they had to cobble together something Out of what they had know what the sad part is that's the best movie out of the bunch? Yep Netflix, what do you know it's movie had a budget of 40 million dollars 40 million Yeah, why does your shot have to be in focus being in focus is overrated what you want the audience to see what's going on That's silly from now on this whole reviews gonna be filmed like this When the money really shows you know God help all those, holy face an enemy like that In a few days is my birthday Nice jump cut I feel like I'm watching Nicolas Cage's vlog or something so this movie's apparently based on a true story which just adds an extra level of offensiveness to it because you got like this true story of bravery and These courageous young men fighting to you know stay alive and go home to their family And then you got this horribly made movie about it Why are we still using this violin in Hollywood every movie I see they use this sometimes It's better to be respected inferior was Nic Cage on xanax this whole shoot Let them little racks are hotter than Hades Visibility just the sight of poor sir got a fog rolling it Let's get through this weather as quickly as possible See SIG's agony until the fog clears supposed to be ahead. Oh, yeah vanish. He just looks tired without me You are worthless you Are my crew and without you I am worthless Now the inception noise starts playing for some reason Yeah, that really gets me into the mood of this World War 2 era 1940s Some reads don't just like bloop. They don't pop out like that You shoot the SOS ow yes sir look at the needles they're moving their work carry on kids you want some coffee this Hallway is supposed to be lopsided But it clearly isn't I cannot begin to explain how? Poorly executed this ships sinking scene is you'd have to watch the whole thing for yourself to get the full experience Nic Cage is just standing there everyone else is grabbing on to the handrails like oh my god The ship is sinking, and they're like grabbing on to the side and like tilting over Nic Cage just stand-in there like you know I'm Nick Cage. I'm just here you know So the Nic Cage falls off the ship the ship sinks It looks great looks awesome so Nic Cage is underwater. He swims back up and he finds a raft and he sits on the raft Hello Hello Where is everybody? Everyone her bag it was the apocalypse 10 seconds ago they were fucking people find everywhere there was fire People were screaming and dying and then Nick Cage comes up from underwater, and it's just silent I've also never seen a lifeboat that looks like that. What kind of lifeboat has no bottom. What is that? I mean I would like to assume that it is historically accurate Because I like to assume that the people making this movie know what they're doing But the thing is they clearly don't know what they're doing so yeah, I'm sure there's some World War two buffs who watch me who couldn't send pics if Anything like that exists so the case is just Paddling across the ocean you know and he comes across Tom Sizemore and another guy Tom sighs were sitting there holding his lip This is the stupidest fucking thing I've ever seen Poor Tom Sizemore had they pay him did they just pay him in morphine Oh My god and that CGI holy shit, it looks like fucking JJ the jet plane So for the next hour of the movie, it's just Nic Cage and a bunch of men in these lifeboats how specialty So they're finally rescued and the cages like get the men out of here So yeah the movie's over right the guys got rescued Nic Cage kept his men well-fed and safe and Gave them a little bit of hope you know no the movies not over it still goes on for another 50 minutes so Nic Cage Is brought to trial for not manoeuvring correctly to avoid the torpedoes they bring the Japanese man Who was commanding the submarine that suffocate his ship into the courtroom? After the trial they they meet up and both of them have their Oscar moment. I had a good idea of what we were carrying I Too did my duty But as a man I Find no honor in it and as if it isn't bad enough it's all out of focus Every shot with him is out of focus we have learned to forgive each other his former adversary's Perhaps one day we can forgive ourselves All right next movie Vengeance a love story on Netflix. It's just called vengeance. Yeah, this is another one. That's straight to Netflix of course It is why wouldn't it be based on the novel called rape a love story Yeah, it's it doesn't really have a nice ring to it I'm glad they went with vengeance a love story so the last movie Nic Cage looked bored in this movie. He just looks confused Okay see now this is how you start a movie This is exciting part it Cartage look at me parted, so this girl talks in a bar with Nicolas Cage. You're a good listener We'll have to work on talking Yeah Come on Nick Yeah But the doctor cleared me for return Does he know where he is? He looks so confused as to what the movie is or what his character is oh my god It's that little girl from nine lives you remember nine lives the little girl who acted like a thot Did you share this I wanted to show some buoys If they see you when you're vulnerable don't want to take care of yous and this wouldn't have our class I was a joke Even though she was like ten She's the daughter of that girl Nick Cage met at the bar So you know they go for a walk in the woods alone at night You know like you do and they just happen to come across a bunch of drunk redneck drug addict murdering rapists So you know the drunk redneck drug addict murdering rapists do their business and then they leave them both alive Like what a bunch of amateurs? You know you got to finish the job if you're gonna do it so the little girl breaks out She goes to find Nicolas Cage who just happens to be driving Nick Cage uses his Investigative skills to find out who did it and then he captures them all Nic Cage does some sick karate moves here I don't know I find like this little scene hilarious Yet another confused close-up of Nicolas Cage So the rednecks have these parents that are trying to get them out of jail by hiring this corrupt lawyer You know one of those sleazy old men white-haired in a suit. That's against a $50,000 retainer fee for each boy we cannot do that oh? Yes, we can and we will Our house I Work 30 years to pay that off It's all are we God They're poor acting the flat cinematography and the bad writing make this scene something to behold But they charged with the same crime so one story She says Walt well. It's like like a woman has two babies Name twice as much work. She does the same thing for both. It's why she's got two tits right. Can you believe it? It's okay sometimes I don't know how they film these scenes and the director goes yeah, that's good all those lies about my brother's Bitch better watch her mouth you And your whore mama better shut your faces You hear me? Nothing about this scene works actually me and my partner were coming from another call when we observe actually detective it's my partner and I This is not how any court operates? Then the defense attorney stands behind them and says the stupidest shit. This was a confused and frightened child Whose mother was so derelict as a parent to drag her to a drunken orgy of a 4th of July party? Where did this come from now? They did not rape or assault anybody? They are completely innocent of all charges No one would allow that if anyone acted like that in a courtroom, they'd get kicked out immediately Then Nic Cage sits there confused again in the courtroom alone And this is when Nick Cage decides to take the law into his own hands. There's one of the guys now Just shot him in the head, it's a little anticlimactic when we fired your weapon it was purely self-defense, right yes Three years in the service Desert storm a Purple Heart, I love these ridiculous backstories that come up with Nick Cage three years of service Desert Storm Purple Heart, and that's only what the declassified documents Nick Cage he killed Osama bin Laden by himself on 9/11 he went into the towers and rescued hundreds of men women and children You know people say Adolf Hitler killed himself. Do you really believe that do you really believe that I don't think the truth is Nicolas Cage killed Nicolas Cage shot and ran from a hundred yards away with a pistol That's right Nicolas Cage was around during World War two he defended Pearl Harbor He was there for d-day every character in the film Saving Private Ryan is Actually based on Nick Cage you thought a platoon of men defended that town nah. It was Nick Cage by himself Okay, I'm gonna be quiet now cuz another scene is coming up of these people acting jail is Jill been there done that ain't going back Well run. I swear to Christ Canada will go to Canada I put up my damn house Talk it over as a family. We've decided Tina McGuire's a lying whore no one's gonna believe her My boys are not pleading guilty to something they did not do that's it Innocent people don't do time These people make Nicolas Cage look like Marlon Brando in his prime next scene is Nicolas Cage standing over a waterfall very dramatically you know like you do you ever just go to a waterfall and Dramatically stare over it I do that every Tuesday turns out this is where the drunk redneck drug addict murdering rapist. Go to smoke crack Drunk redneck drug addict murdering rapists, go to smoke crack. Is that not the most over-the-top sentence You've ever heard in your life, and then Nicolas Cage just shoots him off the border Yeah more green act than you have these people you want to know what happened. I'll tell you it's step fish Tina McGuire She's the one who drove my boys away The Nick Cage of Thon's going on for a bit long I gotta say I didn't think it would take this long So I'm gonna cut off the Nick Cage Athan here Sadly, but here's the thing we got plenty of Nic Cage movies to go through so I'm thinking of making this a series That'd be pretty cool, right So we'll see how this turns up I might never make another one who knows. Thank you for watching have a great night and remember We're all just tiny specks in the universe all in service of Nic Cage You
RALPH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PLEASE KEEP MAKING THESE
It would be greatly appreciate if you made more of these.
Ralph, you should watch "Mishima: A Life in Four Chapters" (1985). It's written and directed by Paul Schrader, who you covered when you reviewed "Dog Eat Dog", but it's truly fantastic, even if his filmography might not suggest so ("Raging Bull" & "Taxi Driver" excluded). It's in the Criterion Collection if that's a good selling point. It's got a terrific score, beautiful production design and cinematography, and an interestingly constructed narrative.
Gotta meet Samurai Cop
The time of day changes a lot where Ralph lives.
This video is ripen with new memes, and so freaking spongy.
Vast improvement over The Mummy Video.