*Video starts with Minions singing a parody of Barbara Ann's song* *Gunshot* *Gun is being reloaded* Hollywood is unoriginal and they love money. Now there are movies like Anomalisa and Inside Out that do something new and innovative, It's kinda getting that whole golden age of animation started again, But then there's movie like Minions that completely ruin that. Anomalisa is brilliant and it's without a doubt my second favorite film of the year. Inside Out is not a great movie in my opinion, but I will give credit where credit is due. It is trying something new even if it doesn't always work And it has tons of redeeming qualities like the emotional moments and great jokes. There is certainly a lot to like in it and if someone were to think it's the best film of the year I would really have no problem with it. I guess the difference ultimately is that these two films tried These films don't have the luxury of brand recognition unless you want to count the Pixar logo. These films had to be great films to stand on their own to get the recognition they so rightfully deserve Minions didn't have to do that because it had Minions in it. *Minions speaking gibberish* When you're certain your film is going to make money, there's no reason to make it stand on its own Unless you hire a bunch of talented people who really want to keep the franchise going. The problem is no one with any modicum of talent worked on this movie. Everything from the writing to the acting to the animation is so horrible it makes me want to vomit. Literally everything is wrong with this movie and there is nothing redeeming about it. Other than the fact it did indeed end. These minions are a plague on our nation. And this company Illumination Animation is probably the worst thing to happen to the world So let's start with them [♫ Far Cry 3: Blood Dragon OST - Power Core ♫] *Obnoxious movie being played* (prepare yourselves) IL-LU-MI-NA-TION A-NI-MA-TION!!! IL-LU-MI-NA-TION A-NI-MA-TION is the second worst company making feature length animated movies today other than people who made Norm of the North. Bear: Somone's coming, act natural *fart noise ensues* Bear: Not that natural! Every film they've ever put out has been insipid, pandering garbage that only serves to make people more stupid The only difference as time as gone on is the drop in quality The first Despicable Me movie is fine, it's not a great movie, it's not a bad movie. It's just fine. Some jokes are good, some aren't. The minions were there to be cute, they helped market the movie. It was harmless, it made money, people liked it, and that's it. Next they made Hop, because they felt there needed to be an Easter movie. So they made a movie with the Easter Bunny in it. So yeah, it was a marketing trick You have a movie for Halloween, you have a movie for Christmas, you have a movie for Independence Day You have a movie for Martin Luther King day, now you need a movie for Easter Listen to this brilliant plot synopsis On Easter island a young rabbit named E.B. Is intended to succeed his father As the Easter Bunny intimidated by the calling's demands and ignoring his fathers orders, E.B. runs away to Hollywood to pursue his dream of becoming a drummer. E.B.'s father sends his three ninja royal guards - The Pink Berets, to find his son. Meanwhile, Easter chicks, Carlos and Phil plot a coup d'état against him, to take over the Easter organization Need I go on? Next they made this steaming pile of shit called The Lorax which probably made Dr. Seuss turn over in his grave. A film about the dangers of greed, pollution, and capitalism has over 70 different product tie-ins. With car companies and seventh generation disposable diapers That'd be like if Taco Bell sponsored Donald Trump *Mumbles* I dunno Then they made Despicable Me 2 which is one of the worst things I've ever seen maybe The level of laziness in this film astounds me The movie honestly couldn't give less of a shit The animation is terrible They keep recycling the same elements often reusing backgrounds and props just cause they were too lazy to make new ones. Even a weaker Pixar movie like Monsters University has some fantastic animation and loads of originality when it comes to creature design. Then you start to realize what Illumination Animation is doing. The simplicity in all the animation in their films isn't a stylistic choice. It's cause they're lazy. Their movies are actually really cheap to make when compared to Dreamworks or Pixar films. They don't care if their films look good. And they stick to that simplistic animation not only cause it's cheaper but because it makes the characters look 'cuter'. When I draw a simple smiley-face, it's adorable. Look at it! So cute I could stick my penis in its mouth... but if I start adding detail to the face it starts to become less cute until it looks extremely terrifying. By not caring they have manged to make characters that the general public responds to. (crooning) Aww, look they're so cute They're cute because whoever designed them was like: "eh whatever" Most of the movie is just filler it's just jokes that aren't funny or don't make any sense random minion shenanigans Just stuff The movie got bad reviews but the movie did do well financially And we all know why that is I saw this in a theater and every demographic of people were there: Old, young, black, white, Nazi The interesting thing is no one laughed the entire movie I think I heard a little kid chuckle twice
(unlikely) But no one seemed entertained by what they were watching So why were they there!? *Intense minion fight scene* Illumination realized no one gave two shits about Gru or his daughter or the story or the entire franchise They just wanted to see the minions It was then announced that they were making a minions spin-off because "FUCK IT". Sure enough it grossed more than a billion dollars TOTAL Good job America! They no longer need any of those characters, any originality or any plot really... cause if they put minions in a movie, people will watch it cause it has minions in it no matter how bad it is. That's why I'm making this review because this shit has to stop! You people aren't watching movies you're literally watching 91 minutes of filler. 91 MINUTES! It's almost
the minimum amount of time a movie can be and still be counted as a movie! [Pierre Coffin]: Trying to find like this story, this structure and, and n-normally at the end of
that year we have a script and from the moment we have a script, we start
storyboarding, meaning translating the written words into little vignettes like
drawn vignettes and all that across three years and what, what three years
gives us actually is th-the gift of time It's like we go in a direction, we see
the movie in terms of those little vignettes put together and then we see that the story isn't, ehh, it's not really working that well Comedy. I hear this all the time: comedy is very subjective to which I respond:
no it isn't. What makes you laugh is subjective, sure, but comedy isn't very
subjective. Comedy is pretty easy to explain actually. *minion farting*
If a fart makes you
laugh you can acknowledge that it did indeed make you laugh but you can't call
it a clever joke. When you listen to like comedians talk about their craft, you
realize that there is a very specific science to making people laugh also. I
don't like to hear that excuse: "Ralph it's just a kids movie". Just cause it's
a kids movie doesn't give you the excuse to not give a shit. You know there are
kids movies that are good, kids movies that are well written, kids movies made
by tons and tons of creative people who put in hours and hours of painstaking
hard work. So there's two things the minions are known for in terms of "comedy": Surrealist comedy and silent comedy. Let's look at two other animated movies
that came out that year that did what minions tried to do. Shaun the Sheep and
SpongeBob fish-out-of-water *SPONGE SPONGE* The Spongebob movie is a surrealist
comedy and Shaun the Sheep is a silent comedy. GOT IT? Good! Let's look at Shaun the Sheep first. Shaun the Sheep tells that story entirely through visuals. None
of the characters speak the entire movie other than complete gibberish, and while
I won't say this is a great film it's certainly a competent one. The animation
is creative and funny. I knew what was going on the entire movie and the movie does indeed *ShOcKeR* have a story! I saw Shaun the Sheep in the theatre and there
were a bunch of little kids in the theater and not once were they confused
about anything. NOW let's look at minions! [Narrator]: Minions have been on this planet far
longer than we have. They go by many names Dave, Carl, Paul, Mike... [Ralph]: In the first minute they already fucked up! They have a narrator for no fucking reason! Eight minutes total of the narrator explaining everything when it should be
told visually but I guess it's too hard to do that. Who's the guy that's narrating? Is he a character in the film? Does he ever come back in the film? No,
he's just here in the beginning cause the animators and the writers are too
lazy to get this information across in a creative way, so just do this! [Narrator]: The minions had no other choice but to keep moving [Ralph]: So then after eight minutes the narrator goes away and that's it. Then we're
introduced to the three main characters: Kevin is the leader, Stuart has an ego I
think, and he wants to be well-liked, Bob is weak and fat but ambitious. Okay
those are our three characters and as the narrator EXPLAINED to us they want
to find a new master. Kevin's like we need to go find a new master and
Stuart's like oh people will like me if I do this so I'll go up. Bob wants to do
it just cuz. Then Kevin's like I don't know if I want Bob coming because he's
weak and fat. Then eventually he gives in he's like oh okay fine. So right there
this is an interesting conflict: we have a guy who doesn't know what he's in for,
a guy who wants to help but can't cuz he's not very strong and a leader who
doesn't really think either of them are very competent and doesn't want either
of them to come. Then a minute after this scene they all stand on a hill. Bob is a
little nervous... even though he really wanted to go. Then Kevin encourages Bob to go even though he didn't want Bob to go. So we're five minutes into the movie
and we have three very simple characters and they're not even consistent!! Then
overnight they go from the North Pole to New York City, they find three coveralls
just hanging there that fit them perfectly then we sit through five
minutes of characters just walking around doing nothing.
There were no jokes going on. There's no character development going on. It's just
scenes of minions walking around the city!! Bob gets lost because the guy
confuses him for luggage and puts him in the taxi Then Bob gets out, goes into the
mall, which I think they reused from Despicable Me 2, then the TV turns on and
this seems like a good opportunity to make fun of television at the time, make
fun of the ridiculous game shows and the ridiculous commercials but instead we
get this. Game Show Host: Have you decided which of these three gentlemen you'll go on a date with? Is it ... Bob? Bob: Yeah! Go Bob! Kevin? Kevin: [Minion gibberish] Or will it be Stewart? Stewart: [Minion gibberish] So what's the joke? So now comes the fantastic hitchhiking scene. I managed to
compile all the funny jokes for you in this scene. Are you ready? Yeah there...
that's right, there were none! Then there's a continuity error... Like where'd it
go? Like there's a continuity error in a fuckin' animated movie? It takes two
seconds to drop that into the frame! So now let's talk about the Spongebob movie
because the Spongebob movie – the new one at least – is a great example of
surrealist comedy. Nothing makes any sense in this movie but it manages to be
funny because it's so absurd. This movie's stupid, but it knows it's stupid.
They time-travel, there's a space dolphin named Billy that has a rap number at the end. It becomes a live-action superhero film at some point, Antonio Banderas is a
pirate, when the krabby patty formula gets lost it turns into Mad Max all of a
sudden. There's a point where a film gets so absurd that it becomes funny. Minions tries this and completely falls on its fucking face. Here is some of the
"HYLARYUS" absurdist humor in Minions. They like bananas. One of the minions
becomes the King of England. This minion falls in love with two fire hydrants. This minion wants to be a guitar player for some reason. ...and that's it. This is the point where I stopped taking notes because I got so... bored. It starts to
become hard to understand what the jokes even are. So now Bob is the King of
England because he pulled the sword out of the thing? And then the movie just .. forgets what the point of the movie was??? And it
just becomes a montage of them doing silly things while they're King. Their
motivation was to find a master though. Not become the king. They already had a
place where they enjoyed living and could do whatever they wanted, but they
left because they felt miserable and they wanted to serve a master. That was
the point of the movie up till now remember?! It's just scenes of minions
doing things. That's the best summary of this movie I can think of. It's a series
of scenes of minions doing things. *Minions being dumb* The animation. This is an example of a film
that is OVER animated. I think everyone can agree that subtle humor is always
more funny than obnoxious obvious humor. Unless you're a baby. Or a retard. This
scene from Shaun the Sheep... will always be funnier than this. This gives me a fucking headache! It's loud and obnoxious and by the time it's over you realize you got absolutely
nothing out of it. Any excuse to have an awful musical number with a bunch of
colors and a bunch of shit flying around the screen. And each time it happens a
little more of my soul is stripped away. It's an odd thing because no matter how
ridiculous or insane the animation gets – and it does get pretty crazy – they never
use their animation to tell the story. I don't know anything about Kevin other
than he's a leader. I don't know anything about Bob other than he's kind of weak. I
don't know anything about Stuart other than he wants to play guitar. Maybe we do
need some more quiet moments to really flesh out these characters and I know
they're minions but as of right now they're just really boring. I can barely
tell them apart. It's time for the Minion Name Game! Okay, so now we're going to
play a game of guess the minion. I have a list of the... I have a list of the minion
names right here and I'm just gonna... they're going to put the picture up for
me and I'm gonna guess which minion it is. Okay I think that's Josh cuz Josh is
the fat one. Okay I'm correct. Um... Is that Larry? No. I think that one's Darwin That one is the... the guy from the movie Ahh, fuck... Kevin! Ken? How the fuck is it Ken?
That's Kevin! Goddamnit, how the fuck am I... That is... Phil? Um... shit. Fuck... Is that... Larry? No? That one...fuck! David? No. Carl. Oh David was that one. Umm... I don't know. I don't fucking know. Nothing happens the entire movie. The plot is the minions look for a master. Scarlet
Overkill seems like a good master. She betrays them and then they murder her,
and that's it. most of the movie is just fucking boring
because nothing of consequence is happening besides this... The animators tried desperately to throw
a bunch of stuff into the film to pad it out, since the script is almost
non-existent, but like I said before it ends up being too much. They make Kevin
fifty feet tall just cause. Why hasn't Scarlett used this technology earlier?
Why wasn't this established earlier? I don't know. There's this rule you learn
in screenwriting 101. If you have a gun in the third act, establish it in the
first act. If you're going to use a piece of technology that makes you fifty feet
tall, then establish it in the first act even the Despicable Me movie does this!
With the fart gun. But this movie doesn't waste its time with that because fuck it
it's for kids right? Then he eats a missile, blows himself up and now he's
small again. Why? Oh, fuck it. Fuck me for thinking. Then they reward the minions
for putting a tyrannical dictator in power, causing millions of dollars in
property damage, and killing thousands of people. So at the end of the day no one
learned anything, none of the characters changed at all, and the whole film is
pointless. There is no moral, there is no lesson, now there is something I do like
about this movie... it's violent? It's cartoony violence but people do die
people are hurt and it's violence nonetheless. The villain isn't some pussy.
She actually threatens to kill the minions, but they couldn't really follow
through with all the violence and they toned it down a little bit. Do you know why? I hate these people I don't blame this film for these people
existing, I do blame this film, however for catering to these brain-dead idiots. They only serve to ruin movies for the rest of us And make kids dumber. Their
philosophy is that "kids' minds are too feeble and innocent to see violent
images". So kids films can have no messages, no clever commentary, no
violence, no scary themes. They discourage people from seeing brilliant movies like
the Lego Movie and encourage people to watch garbage like this.
Hollywood pushing its anti business message to our kids. First it was the
Muppets movie remember they used an oil baron as the enemy, a year later it was
the Lorax a casting environmentalists against anyone who dared to create a new
business and well, now it's the Lego Movie with the villain named President
Business the Lego Movie is literally the Gnostic gospel
right hidden in plain sight well I think that when you have movies based on
characters and you're trying to find a villain within those characterizations
oftentimes the head of a corporation is an easy target. Why? Why is your
head of a corporation where they hire people, people go to work they pay the
rent the mortgage they put their kids through college they feed their families
they give the charities they give the churches why would the CEO be an easy
target and now minions is being used by Satan to mind-control your children but
that is just because you don't even understand how the Bible works the Bible
is very clear that Satan is extremely subtle. They go to these shows and have
no idea that it is in fact satanic mind control for their kids. Ripping children's heads off, stabbing them. In Hollywood it's all about the
bottom line so they will hire a Republican star like Sylvester Stallone
or Bruce Willis if they think that they can carry a movie and make money what is
the purpose of trying to indoctrinate kids in a movie I mean I guess they
believe this movie is going to make a lot of money so no matter what they can
embed these kinds of anti-capitalist messages and get away with it. Dressed up like a werewolf raping and killing children and I bring this up because this is what all elites end up doing. Raping and
killing children dressed up like a werewolf. But one of the things they
didn't like about this movie that I actually like is how violent it is. See
the fact that it is violence actually adds some stakes to the story and of
course parents took this the wrong way. Stories do indeed need things to keep
people invested. One of the things these kinds of films establish is a threat.
With no stakes why should we care about what happens? So as much as this film
caters to that demographic the amount of violence in this movie turns these
people off. That's when people start to overthink this very dumb movie and start
seeing it as a threat to their child's feeble young mind. In the minion movie I
see a spiritual battle I see the enemy creatively disguising evil for cute and
making it palatable for the next generation to not only accept but like. I
believe that from a biblical perspective evil is never cured and we shouldn't laugh at it. *dialogie gets overlapped* What the fuck are you talking about? These parents are literally nut jobs. At the start you have the Egyptian symbolism they're actually even building
the pyramid here so you see the Eye of Horus. It's these kinds of parents who
ruin kids movies. They want to sanitize the shit out of them until they're
literally nothing but a bunch of colors. Besides the violence in it, Minions is a
perfect example of what these PC police are turning films into - nonsense. Even
kids films like The Incredibles can teach you new terrifying things about
the world. It's important that a story have danger because that's what keeps a
child's mind involved in the story. And it's not too hard for kids to handle,
kids need to feel that kind of shit! It's like how when there is a car accident on
the road you can't turn away. You know it's bad but you want to see what
happened. When you remove any semblance of danger in a story, it just becomes
boring and it makes your kid think the world is a perfect place full of
butterflies and rainbows. He learns nothing and he grows up to be a
brain-dead retard. I remember having a friend whose parents were very strict
about what he watched. They didn't let him play games, they didn't let him watch
R-rated movies and he grew up to be a boring asshole. He had nothing to talk
about because he hadn't experienced anything in his whole life. His parents
didn't let him experience the world and as a result he has the mind of a
five-year-old. He's a loser. I was sure to ask this guy what he
thought about the minion movie when he saw it, and he said this "I saw it last
week with my family and it was funny. it's probably my favorite movie I saw
this year. I liked that part where he hypnotized the guards to dance." And then
I asked him... Ralph why are you talking to yourself?! The Characters. The most
important element of an animated film besides the humor are the characters.
This is something Pixar and DreamWorks excel at. Even if their films aren't that
good they still manage to make some iconic characters. That's 'cause they want to
sell toys I know but they're good characters nonetheless. All of them have
a unique look, a unique voice, a unique personality. A character like Randall
will always stick in my head not just because of the performance but because
of the way he looks. Just by looking at an image of him you can tell what he's
all about. That's the wonder of animation. I can show you any number of images from
these movies and you can tell me what their character is just by looking at
them. You don't even have to see the movie to understand the character. You
know everything about James P Sullivan just by looking at this image of him.
I don't know if you can do that with minions. Minions are too simple of a
design to do anything with and it's hard to tell them apart! What can you tell me
about this minion? How about this one? How about him? what can you tell me about
this girl? Or this guy? Not a damn thing I doubt anyone wants a Scarlett Overkill
toy. She's just there because the movie needs an antagonist and 'cause they needed
to throw in a movie star like Sandra Bullock. It's not 'cause they wanted to
create an iconic character. So visually all these characters are poorly designed
but what about their personality? All the characters are broadly drawn and
simplistic. There's this whole video naming the minions in order and like I
can't tell any of them apart. Even the video fucked up. Like that's not Bob. Bob
has two eyes and he's shorter. Not that I blame you, like how the hell are you
supposed to tell. The filmmakers are stuck with such a simple design and
concept that they can't do anything with it. It's getting old.
I'm not gonna lie I thought minions were adorable at one time. In small doses
that's what a minion does to you makes you go "aww" I like that feeling of "aww" and
believe it or not I love cute things. I follow Doug the Pug just 'cause I like cute
images of dogs. *gibberish* Look at this one! Look at this one! Aww... Wait! Wait! Wait! Aww, look at him! Look at him! Oh my God, this one's my favorite. This one, ow. This one's my favorite. He's adorable! *gibberish* Aww, he's eatin' the ice cream! BUT IT GETS OLD REAL FAST Now minions are everywhere and we're all sick of them. They're not cute
anymore, they're not funny anymore, it's old. Despicable Me came out in 2010
they've been milking these things for six years. They've got toys, video games,
they're featured in three feature films, they have a bunch of shorts, they're
featured in the logo of the company, they have their own ride at Universal Studios,
they're on shirts, towels, apps on your phone, jewelry, Legos, pajamas, mugs, tic
tacs, sunscreen, shoes, heels, duct tape, costumes, diapers, backpacks, bed sheets,
cereal, headphones, phone cases, Funko pops. holy shit! And I guess there's people out
there who still like minions, mainly babies and just dumb parents. But am I
the only one who's just fucking sick of seeing these things. I have a feeling
these guys are on their way out, and by the time of Minions 2 - or Minions 3
comes out or a Despicable Me 3 or 4 or whatever the fuck they decide to do,
everyone's just gonna kind of be like, "meh." that is unless they try which
they won't because no one at Illumination Animation ever tries at all.
It's not like I want this company to go out of business and I want people to
lose their jobs. I remember Michael Bay said once, "You can say whatever you want
about the Transformers films but they do keep a lot of people employed." Like if
you're defending your movie as a piece of art and you say that, it says a lot
about the film you made. The people at Illumination Animation can continue to
make tons of money and make more minions movies but at the same time be creative
and funny and actually give a shit about what they're making. It's a complete
waste of time even when you watch the most simplistic things like Thomas the
Tank Engine or Barney. They do teach kids things. It's something kids need. I think
the biggest thing this film is missing is any sort of connection with the
audience. The film is pandering and as a result the audience kind of feels
disconnected from it. While tons of people saw this movie not a lot of
people liked it. Some people fucking hated it. Even kids hated it because kids
need something more. When a kid feels an emotion, a connection with a character or
story or anything in a film really, that's when they make the transition
from a worthless idiot to a person. They build empathy, and a personality. that's
the magic of film, especially to a child. They can make you feel an emotion for
things that aren't even real. They aren't even made to look real.
That's because of wonderful writing. A room full of inspired creators that want
to give kids that feeling of terror, wonderment, excitement, and raw emotion
before they grow up, before they become desensitized to the world around them.
That's the power these films had on me as a child. I'm not saying there isn't
room for dumb fun Minions isn't dumb fun though. It's just
dumb. The problem with minions is it doesn't
make you feel anything. The audience wasn't happy or sad or angry or anything.
It just exists. It exists so they can make commercials for it so that you can
pay money to see it. Films aren't made just to exist. Films help form you as a
person. They certainly helped form me. I don't know where I'd be without them.
That's magic.
