Nine Lives is one of the most bizarre things I've ever seen. It seems like just a harmless cat movie but the story behind it and the movie itself is much weirder. [Dramatic music starts] [Wind rushing and cat meows] Mr. Fuzzy Pants?? This movie has huge stars in it. It's directed by a competent Hollywood director, like an *actual* director. Who has made work that is... decent. This movie cost 30 million dollars to make and I know that isn't, like, a shit ton of money but that's a pretty decent budget. And it's all the more shocking considering this movie looks like a TV show. District 9 also cost 30 million dollars, and just look at it. It's gorgeous. The effects are great, and it has a real aesthetic to it. And then you cut to this. [Cat screeching] [Boing noise] Kevin Spacey cat: "Nailed it!" How the fuck did this movie get made? There was a time where this genre of film was popular. The pet/man-switching-into-a -pet's-body genre. But its 2017 now. I guess they're trying to ressurect the genre with this film? And that other movie coming out, A Dog's Purpose. From A Dog's Purpose trailer: "Was there a point to this journey of mine? And how did bacon fit in?" [lighthearted music made up of the sound "O"] Why is this movie called Nine Lives? Is it because cats have nine lives? He doesn't. He only had one. Then he died. Kevin Spacey: "Meow that hurt!" So the idea of this movie started straight from the head of Eurocorp: Christophe Lambert. Now at the time that he had this idea, he was adamant that this wasn't a kid's movie. Christophe wanted it to be more like a Woody Allen film. We wouldn't hear the cat's thoughts. It would be... "introspective and sophisticated". [Annoying screeching cat noises] [Trash can clank] [Trash can clank] [Trash can clank] [Trash can clank] [Cat meows and thumps on the floor] But as the script was being written, the management at Eurocorp changed and they ended up getting stuck with this stupid fucking idea and this ridiculous script that they had written. And they had to pitch it! They said 'well its an adult Woody Allen-ish comedy about a selfish businessman that nearly dies and falls into a coma. While he's in the hospital his spirit gets put inside the body of a cat until he can redeem himself. [Incredulous silence] Then the person they were pitching it to said 'So it's a talking cat movie?' To which they responded 'No. You never hear the cat talk, and we don't even hear the man's thoughts when he's inside the cat.' Needless to say the executive was like... [silence] They brought on three more writers to rewrite the script for Nine Lives to make it... More shitty? And then there we go. We had this watered down idea about a man being stuck in a cat's body. Kevin Spacey cat: "I thought you'd die from a Botox overdose!' So now they have the script and they needed a man to be in it. So they 'Kevin Spacey.' 'Can you be in this movie?' And he agreed. Why?? Well obviously. It's 'cuz it seemed like a great idea! And the script was very funny and original. Sure enough Kevin Spacey was in it but he did no promotion, he wasn't at the premier. And aside from being in it he basically has nothing to do with it. Kevin Spacey actually isn't in many scenes. Most of the scenes he's in are him dubbing the cat. Kevin Spacey cat: "I'm an idiot" But the film focuses more on his family and his son trying to save his business The son: "Don't touch me. Ian, you do this I will come at you with an army of lawyers." Ian: "Go ahead , sue me. Do it tomorrow when we're both rich." Trailer voice: "FAMILY" Kevin Spacey cat: "Alley-oop!" Trailer voice: "IS FURR-EVER" [Cat screeches] The son: "You really think you can steal Firebrand with a couple of bouncers?" Ian: "And you think you can stop me with a note from daddy? You father is dying, he lost his company. [continued] At the end of the day you're not Tom Brand." Wh-what? So now they could sign on a bunch more people. They got Barry Sonnenfeld(?) to direct it. I don't like his movies. But I will say they are at least movies that are competent. And not... this. Kevin Spacey cat: "Oof!' [Thuds on the floor (again)] Christopher Walken: "Good move." They got the girl who plays Violet in the Series of Unfortunate Events show. We'll talk about her later. They got Christopher Walker 'cuz fuck it. Christopher Walken: "My name is Perkins so... [continued] I call my store... [continued] Purrkins." Kevin Spacey: Oh. [reversed] oH! And then they got Jennifer Garner who will basically do anything. Jennifer Garner: "Hey guys, listen up! [continued] Talking Tom and I are starring in a movie called Nine Lives about a man who goes to a lot of trouble to earn a second chance with his family." Talking Tom: "Well thank you Jen! [continued] This is your second chance message in three steps! [continued] First open the talking Tom app." Talking Tom... Talking Tom: "Press the Nine Lives record button." The Nine Lives Record Button?? Does anyone see a Nine Lives record button here? [Words mimicked by the app in a squeaky voice] It's 'cuz I say things and then he says them. But what he [cut off by the app repeating him] It keeps fucking interrupting me while im trying to record a movie review. But anyway. [App mimicks him] Talking Tom: "And then try to be as honest or [Talking Tom in a sqeakier voice] Creative as possible!" App Talking Tom: "Nuh uh uh" What the fuck is this? So you gotta give em [cut off again by the 'Nuh uh uh'] App talking Tom: "Nuh uh uh!" [Laughs] Jennifer Garner: "Hey so sorry for not showing up yesterday. [continued] I wanted to make it but something came up that I really needed to do. [continued] namely... ice cream, pajamas, and some quality me time." [Loops annoying fake Jennifer Garner chuckle] My name is Charles Styles I'm with a company called mystery diners. [Mimicked in a squeaky voice] My name is Charles Styles I'm with a company called mystery diners. [Slapping noises] [Slapping intensifies] The story. So the movie starts with a bunch of cat videos. I guess the editor realized the movie doesn't have enough cute cats in it, and most of the movies just boring business meetings. So the editor just decided to throw in a bunch of random cat videos, along with narration that doesn't make any sense. Kevin Spacey: "You think this is cute, don't you? [continued] You think there's a real connection there. [continued] So you feed it. [continued] You dress it up." Then they cut to this random woman, I don't know--She has nothing to do with the rest of this movie. Woman: "I found him on the street months after the accident. [continued] And I dress him like Marcel, I know my son has come back to me in this cat." It starts with Kevin Spacey, he's a businessman and a workaholic. He now lives with his second wife, Jennifer Garner, and his daughter Rebecca. Is that her name?? So Kevin Spacey wants to build a giant tower. He wants it to be the biggest tower in the United States. But I guess th- the conflict?- is that there is another building built by another company that is gonna be bigger than his. By a little bit. Why does this matter?? Why can't the stakes be something real and important like- If Kevin Spacey doesn't do the deal correctly he'll have to lay off his employees, including his son... for some reason. If you are gonna go with this dumb logic that the character wants to build a giant building because of his ego or something then why not have the building in the same city as the building Kevin Spacey is building his building (lol) See the thing is, if we visually see that the building they're building is bigger than the building Kevin Spacey is building Then visually we would see that, that there's like a thing going on. But this building is just in some other city and we never see it. We just hear about it. (Building count: 11) So his daughter's birthday is coming up and she really wants a cat. Some guy: "Mr. Brand, I think the fact that you've had us put so much time and though into this is really gonna show her you care!" The son: "If you want to show her you really care just get her what she really wants. A cat." Okay? Then have one of your many workers go get a cat for you. You don't have to go yourself. Just tell them to pick up a fucking cat. And shes not very specific on what kind of cat she wants, so get her a small one. Or get her a really old one so that it dies quick. Anyway, his GPS directs him to this pet store in the middle of nowhere? Christopher Walken: "My name is Perkins." Oh! "so [continued] I call my store... Purrkins. [Fake laugh] And the store's owner is Christopher Walken His name is Felix Perkins Christopher Walken: "My name is Perkins." Kevin Spacey: "Oh!" Christopher Walken: "I call my store" Kevin Spacey: "Oh!" "Purrkins." "OooooooooohhhhhhhhH" [Insert weird Kevin Spacey noises] Oh my god is that the same cat three times? That's literally the same cat three times. Omygod again! Upon watching this a second time I noticed that like half the cats in this room are composited in there Like this cat isn't really there, they added him in in post! So now he has this cat, his name is Mr. Fuzzypants. Christopher Walken: "Mistah Fuzzypaaaants. Yeaaah. Yeah. [continued] Good." So then Kevin Spacey is on his way to the party for his daughter but then he gets interrupted by this guy? his name is Ian Cox. okay. And he's one of the top managers at the company. So they go to the top of the tower. For some reason? And why are you bringing the cat? Leave- Leave the fucking cat there. You guys ready for this really cool shot? [uninterested voice] Woah here we go. And now we're gonna go up. Woah, jeez. Wow great shot, really stylized! Super cool! It wasn't pointless at all! So of course they're up there and it starts raining. And there's lightning. And its really fucking windy. Then his wife calls him and he responds with- Kevin Spacey: "IM LATE, I KNOW! STOP CALLING." Why are you talking to your wife like that? Oh so they met on the roof so they could have this scene. Where he throws him off the- Oh my- Oh my god is he really throwing him off the building? Jesus Christ! So then Kevin Spacey is in a coma and he finds out that he is in the body of a cat. So did Christopher Walken know that this was going to happen? Is it just fate? Why the fuck would you do this to someone? What lesson does this teach them? Christopher Walken: "A pet brings love and comfort to a home, and your family needs that right now so are you gonna behave? [continued] You need to be a cat. Kevin Spacey cat: "Okay :( I'll be a cat." Let's compare the plot of Nine Lives to another film- Shaggy Dog. Not the original one. Because that one has some originality to it. Let's discuss the 2006 Shaggy Dog, starring Tim Allen. [Tim Allen noises] Its funny because he goes [imitating Tim Allen Noises] [More Tim Allen noises] In this one he's like a lawyer? And hes prosecuting this company. Or some shit. And in this one, the bad guys stole a- is that Robert Downey Jr?! So anyway they stole this 300 year old dog named.. Kaya Yang Po? From a Tibetan Monastery [holding back laughter] So the scientists determine that Kaya Yang Po's genetic sequence when isolated and put in a vaccine alters the cells in the DNA of the victim. So when the main character of the film, Tim Allen [even more Tim Allen noises], he's bit by this dog. And then Dave just becomes the dog. So... so I forgot what- what point I was trying to make? But I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is stupid. Except in that movie, Shaggy Dog, it's kind of silly and cartoonish. Tim Allen [insert more Tim Allen noises here] actually just becomes the dog. You know, like he transforms into him? Its not like someone threw Tim Allen off a building and then he went in a coma, and his family gathered around his... dying corpse. All crying. It was kinda silly. [Heart rate monitor beeps] This is like... everyone's crying and sad. And they're gonna pull the fucking plug on him too! Buckle up kids, this is gonna be fun! In the promotion for this movie, they don't show the part where Kevin Spacey falls off the building and almost dies. They instead decided to lie to the audience and add in this little visual effect, I hope you're ready for it. Kevin Spacey "Seriously?" They also put a bunch of fake quotes in these TV spots. Like 'Totally Paw-some' from the 'Caffington Post' and 'Purrfection' from 'Vanity Fur' That's fucking good! [Too fucking many Tim Allen noises] So Christopher Walken goes to the hospital and talks to him cuz for some reason Christopher Walken can talk cat. Christopher Walken: "I'm a cat whisperer [continued] and I'm the only one who can hear you." Kevin Spacey cat: "What did you do to me? >:(" Christopher Walken: "I didn't do anything you fell off a roof." So the only way to get back in his normal body is to connect with his family more. Otherwise in one week, they'll pull the plug on him. And he'll die. And be stuck in the cat forever. Christopher Walken: "Calm down Mr. Brand. You're a cat. It's not the end of the world." Kevin Spacey: "I HATE cats! :(" So while Kevin Spacey is in the hospital they all go home and everyone in the family basically forgets that Kevin Spacey is gonna die and they just have loads of fun with their new cat. So Kevin Spacey's son in the movie tries to do some business on his behalf and he's not very good at it. And the dude who killed Kevin Spacey is now trying to sell the company. Meanwhile, Kevin Spacey as a cat is trying to get drunk. Oh my god this CG cat is just amazing. The cat doesn't seem to have any bones in it? It just kind of flops around. It's so unnatural. Anyway, Jennifer Garner has her best friend over. This cunt. That's her name, literally. And she brings over two dogs and just lets them go in the house. So that they can chase after the cat. And they blame it on the cat? Violet Baudelaire: "Can you please take them away they're really scaring him." That cunt's daughter: "They have a very strong sense about other animals. Where'd your dad get him?" Wh- what does that mean?? It's a cat! Dogs don't like cats. You think the dog can sense that its actually Kevin Spacey in the cat's body? That cunt's daughter: "I know you're upset because your dad's dying." Violet Baudelaire: "He's not dying he's just *unconscious*" The director: "Cut." So anyway, these two just talk about fucking other men. That cunt: "There's a reason you've been seeing Josh." Kevin Spacey Cat: "Josh?? :o" Jennifer Garner: "No, I can't even think about that right now. That cunt: "Now's the perfect time, it's not like Tom could catch you." And the two little girls basically talk about the exact same thing. That cunt's daughter: "You should go wash your face. Crying really doesn't work with your complexion." This girl is like 10 years old and she acts like she fucks 4 guys a week. Violet Baudelaire: "Daddy come here. Daddy! Daddy! Daddy! Daaadddddy! Dadddyyyyyy! Daaaaady! Dadddddddy! Daddy come heeeeeere! [continued] We have to show herrrrrrrr! DADDY!!! daddy." Oh my god. That was sooo moving. [Violet Baudelaire says daddy over and over to a fresh beat] Anyway, they can't build the tallest tower. And that makes the son upset. At first we think the son is gonna kill himself. The son: "So I'm gonna take my first jump. [continued] And my last jump, right off of that tower." Kevin Spacey cat: "No David! D:" The son: "Goodbye Dad." And the cat tried to rescue him. It turns out that his son is jumping off the building so that he can parachute-- and-- and The son: "You know we may not have the tallest building, but we do have the tallest building anyone's ever based jumped off." Ian: "Let's hear it for David Brand." The characters. Kevin Spacey plays guy who wants a paycheck. Kevin Spacey: "Meowww :3" He says his lines. Kevin Spacey: "I've still got seven years, or six years. I'm kidding. :P" And when he does the cat he just says them begrudgingly. Kevin Spacey cat: "Seriously? ._." He probably recorded all his lines from his bedroom. They just gave him a microphone and said: 'Kevin Spacey read these lines' and I'm guessing some of the lines are just shit he said out loud to the director and writers. And they just found a way to work it into the movie Oh he said he said he wants to drown himself, uh uhh, write a scene in where the cats taking a bath! Kevin Spacey cat: "Just drown me :'(" Oh there we go now that works. Jennifer Garner. She is just a terrible actress. Jennifer Garner: "Here kitty, kitty kitty! Oooof" After being in one of the worst superhero movies ever made and just one of the worst movies ever made period. She keeps getting shoved in Disney Channel movies that are released in theaters for some reason. She's just TERRIBLE. Jennifer Garner: "Of all the cats in the world of course Tom picked you, you're just like him!" Kevin Spacey cat: "That's what I've been trying to tell you! :/" Jennifer Garner: "Stubborn and selfish and shedding! But here's the difference. I'm legally barred from castrating my husband. [continued] Drop 'em." This girl. So this girl is in the Series of Unfortunate Events show. She plays Violet. And she's not very good in that either- I don't like that show at all. I'm just saying. I don't want to discourage or make fun of this girl. Because she seems like a sweet innocent young soul. I don't have anything against her personally, I'm sure she's a nice person. And you know, she'll go on to have a great life and acting career I'm sure her parents love her very much. But this bitch can't act. It's another problem with all these terrible kids films. There's tons of kids out there who can act. But then you get kids like this. They just hire cute kids. They don't have to act.They just have to look cute. That cunt's daughter: "Your stupid cat!" Violet Baudelaire: "Why would you share this?" That cunt's daughter: "I wanted to show some booooys." [continued] If they see you when you're 'vonerbal' they'll want to take care of you. Violet Baudelaire: "You sent this one to half of our class." That cunt's daughter: "That was a joke!" Violet Baudelaire: "You know my dad is in the hospital, explain the joke to me!" Yeah I get it. Acting is hard you know. It's not like you're paid millions of dollars to do it. It's not like there's thousands of other actors clawing each others eyes out trying to get in that same spot you are, right now. But you do your best, doll. Christopher Walken is in it too... He plays um.. [Reused Purrkins joke] Oh we're not doing this joke again! No. Why am I even discussing these... they're not even characters! They aren't characters, these are actors phoning in a performance. This is a waste of time. Why am I even reviewing this movie? Who's this movie made for? So last year I talked about another kid's film called minions. I will never argue that Minions is a good movie. I will never defend Minions. But the people who made Minions knew who it was made for. And they loved it, they ate it up. The biggest problem with Nine Lives besides everything... ...in it? Is the fact that this movie is made for no demographic. Have any of you ever seen that Snow Buddies series? Its just about a bunch of dogs doing shit. Sometimes they're in snow and sometimes they're in the air. And sometimes they're superheros and sometimes they're in space. And then its like Christmas, and then its like Indiana Jones. And there's a camel? And then the Santa Paws, and the Santa Paws 2. Then there's Menopause. These are all movies about dogs Cute little dogs. And these movies know exactly what they are: they're made for children. Children don't care about a plot. They don't care about a businessman trying to make a building that's bigger than another businessman's building. They want to see cute, domesticated animals do cute things. [Dog chants Shaunty?] The cow: "Better stop, I might throw up all four of my stomachs!" Nine Lives doesn't have nearly enough cat stuff in it. There's some I guess, but not nearly enough to keep a kid's attention. Most of the scenes are just fucking boring. Kevin Spacey: "I take your concerns very seriously. :|" Business guy: "Our operating costs are up 30% from last quarter!" Kevin Spacey: "And my first concern is why is Ian coming at us with this IPO crap? :T" I can't picture a kid enjoying this movie. But at the same time it's not smart enough for adults. The director: "Um I think its funny yet sophisticated, I think there's enough good jokes for adults..." [continued] As well as for kids, and you don't have to be a cat lover to enjoy it. You just have to love your family. [continued] And... that's what it's about. It's not funny, it's not clever. It's not interesting, the effects aren't good. The story isn't engaging, it's just a complete disaster. The director: Well the funniest moment is where the cat attacks Mark Consuelos [continued] Jennifer is in the foreground, Mark is in the background. [Continued] And we put the cat on Mark and he really doesn't like cats, he's allergic to cats. [continued] And his line in the scene was 'Get it off of me, get it off of me'. [Continued] And so he says 'Get it off of me' and then says, 'No I mean it, get it off of me.' [Continued] And he wasn't acting, he wanted that cat off of him." Never make cat movies. Now this isn't the #1 reason this movie is as bad as it is. I gave many other reasons why this movie is as bad as it is. But I think a big part of it is the fact that this movie is about a cat. Kevin Spacey Cat: "Seriously? :I" Kevin Spacey Cat: "Seriously? :I" Kevin Spacey Cat: "Seriously? :I" Kevin Spacey Cat: "Seriously? :I" Kevin Spacey Cat: "Seriously? :I" Kevin Spacey Cat: "Seriously? :I Seriously? :I Seriously? :I Seriously? :I Seriously? :I Seriously? :I" All these adorable pet movies about switching bodies Or a dog being a fireman Or a football player or whatever. They're always about dogs. 'Cuz dogs are cool. Dogs can be trained to do anything. You can have them jump over shit, teach them tricks to do on set. Dogs are just lovable because they'll do what you want them to do. Why so much love for dogs and not cats? You can't do it right? They don't take orders. They aren't charming. They don't run around, they don't do tricks. They just fucking sit there. I love cats, alright? I have two cats. This is my first cat, his name is Tyson. Look at him, he's a fat f**k. [Riveting footage] And then this one is Domino. He doesn't move, he stays under this cabinet. We got him 3 weeks ago and he hasn't moved once. You can't make movies with cats, because they don't do anything. You can't order them around. Anytime there is a good cat movie, or one with any semblance of adventure the cat is always animated. 'Cuz you can't get a cat to do anything. You can get a dog to do something funny or cute. But you can't get a cat to do something funny or cute. The cat just sits there. How are you supposed to make a funny movie when the star of the movie doesn't do anything? I know this seems like a small thing but it's the truth! You get no comedic mileage out of this cat the entire thing. It just sits there, walks around, the joke is that it goes to the litter box. Yeah, he goes to the litter box because he needs to take a shit. They probably kept that camera on him for ten hours just waiting for him to go to the litter box and he finally did. It doesn't make cats bad, they don't have to please anyone. They just want to sit there and be left alone. So leave the cat alone. You put this cat on set, in front of a hundred people, trying to light it and shoot it. Do some makeup on it. All so that the cat can just sit there for ten minutes. You can see this in the behind-the-scenes footage, they can't get the cat to do fucking anything! Cat trainer: Pull pull! Pull it! Pull! Pull it. Pull! [Dog yelping and barking in the background] Director: "Okay okay and let's cut there." A cat only works as like a plot device. In that context, the cat works. 'Cuz it's not doing anything, it just sits there. The director: "I'm really excited to be at the premier of Nine Lives. [Continued] The last time I was at this theater, the Man Chinese, was when we premiered Get Shorty. [Continued] Which was a great, successful movie for me so I'm expecting and hoping for the same kind of results from a family film." Is this the worst movie ever made? Absolutely not. I would almost recommend it just to see how baffling it is. It's amazing to see a movie- And this is why I reviewed it by the way- It's just amazing to see a movie... That no one wanted to make And no one wanted to see. And out of the people who saw it, none of them enjoyed it. A movie that started as an idea by some creative people has been beaten into a pulp until it's this. The husk of a husk of a husk of a husk of a bad idea. Watered down so much that there's absolutely nothing left. It isn't offensive, it's just nothing. And that's what it was designed to be... nothing. And that's what it deserves. Nothing. It's like a real cat. It just sits there, like a lump of shit. And says 'Feed me bitch!' [Bring back those Violet Baudelaire beats] DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY
New YMS and ralphthemoviemaker review on the same day? There goes my next hour.
Ralph is like the Adam that uploads more often
Would love to see Adam and Ralph collar sometime. He did great with IHE.
Gotta love the YIFY and solarmovie bookmarks in his browser