Hello Optimus Prime I am back from my mission Excellent did you kill all those stupid critics? Oh yes, sir all those stupid critics who make fun of our movies are dead except *cut off* Good bumblebee good That's what they get for trying to ruin our reputations these silly critics - do no understand the complexity of our films Gosh darn if you ask me, I think we have the best film franchise ever made better than Star Wars, Godfather Jurassic Park, Harry Potter *cut off* sir you did not let me finish we killed all the critics, but one All but one? you mean There is one critic out there who is still poo pooping all over our series of masterpieces Yes, sir a whiny petulant child currently living in Boston Does this imbecile have a name? Yes sir, his name is Ralph, but many people know him as Ra- Yo Meghan up for some Pinot Grigio? Nah I don't drink thanks. see unlike you i don't drown my depression and sorrows and and loneliness with alcohol That's where you're mistaken Meghan because I am actually in a great mood and in fact in one of the best moods I've ever been in I don't know why I'm just Very happy for some reason, maybe it's the holidays coming up you know Thanksgiving, New years, Christmas. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I know right And on top of it this wine is just delicious Anyway, what are we watching? We're watching transformers 5 the last knight What a surprise right many people have given up on this series at this point most critics have just Given up criticizing it we were all expecting this movie to be bad obviously But it somehow managed to be worse than I thought it would be so while many others have given up I'm sticking with this disaster of a series until it's dead Which won't be for some time now cuz they're planning like 14 transformers movies including transformers 6 Transformers 7 and transformers 8 They're also planning two bumblebee movies one of them directed by Travis Knight the guy who made Kubo And then one of them's a rated-r bumblebee movie So you mean these made a show for kids so that they could sell toys to kids and then 30 years later They're planning to make a rated-r movie based on one of the characters. What sense does that make there's also transformers one? not transformers one Transformers one which is an animated movie, and they're also making an animated Roman transformers movie set in Roman times sadly though There is no transformers GI Joe crossover planned because we were all clamoring for a transformers GI Joe crossover Stay away from any boy in a band especially a drummer. Yeah, drummers are the worst not to mention stupid DJ's real dickheads Come on I'll be right back *italy intensifies* How does he do it how does he make five bad movies like that? I don't know It's like it's like doing 9/11 five times except each time it gets worse King Arthur and the executives of the round table the opening credits are weird It says all the production companies and studios and one title card, and then the movie starts. There's nothing creative about it It's just text. It's so bizarre. Then we see the Paramount logo twice we're literally a second into this movie, and I'm confused already the movie starts and we see a Medieval Knights fighting each other then we cut to this guy on a horse who was later revealed to be Merlin the magician Oh so King Arthur is actually in this movie I'm not kidding. "Where in hell is your so-called magician" "He will be here Lancealot" Lancelot? *sniggers* What?! Is this fucking King Arthur, and that's Merlin?! What What the fuck this is crazy What there's a fucking black guy fighting? What? What the fuck is going on this is transformers 5? What the fuck? *ralph laughing* Why is King Arthur in this movie I guess they wanted to capitalize on that new King Arthur movie with Charlie Hunnam who can blame them that movie was a huge hit Apparently Michael Bay was slated to direct it so maybe he made the scene and the project fell through and he just went like Maybe I can use this in my new Transformers movie We can work it in somewhere get Stanley Tucci to play Merlin even though. He was in the last movie Yeah, go ahead Michael Bay. Do whatever you want It's not like some guy on the internets watching every single movie and criticizing it "We need a real writers room So we've got fourteen great writers. We put it through transformer school. We put him in lock him in a room for about a month paramount with ten thousand images from the franchise, surrounded by props a life-size singer bumblebee It just stared em' in the face they Came up with a complete Bible from the beginning of time - way deep into history They came up with great stories" "Magic does exist. It was found long ago" This is absolutely bizarre "inside a crash alien ship" What? Merlin Goes to visit an alien ship, and one of the transformers gives him a staff that can control the Transformers dragon i just - *laughs* So now that we got that cleared up We can discuss the timeline of these events so Let's go to the timeline that this series has established so far in the first movie They established that the transformers first time arriving on earth was in whenever the movie came out then in revenge of the Fallen It's revealed that the Transformers were actually there way earlier. They were there during like 10,000. BC then in the third one It's revealed that they were there during the moon landing or before the moon landing They crashed on on the moon and froze and then at some point NASA Went to the moon because they saw the Transformers were on it then in the fourth movie It's revealed that transformers landed on earth way way way back when dinosaurs were around So they're just making this series up as they go along and using the same exact template Oh, there's a historical relic that the Transformers left behind a long time ago. sometimes It's a box and sometimes It's a staff actually most of the time It's a staff and then some white guy and a c-list actress have to fight to get the relic and then use it to kill the bad guy while Optimus Prime Mumbles cliched dialogue that means nothing "there is more to this planet that meets the eye" They're gonna keep dropping Transformers. Just in random Historical events *stutter* did a transformer killed JFK Did a transformer do 9/11, 9/11 wasn't an inside job guys Freaking Megatron did it what's going on with the aspect ratio? Those of you who are more observant have been noticing that the aspect ratio is constantly changing for those of you who don't know what the aspect ratio is It's those black bars You see at the top and bottom of movies those things you never see in one of my reviews cuz I usually crop it But I can't for this movie because it keeps changing. I think it would take me two months to crop every shot I've criticized Christopher Nolan for this before cuz he shoots on both regular film cameras and IMAX cameras in the same movie So not only is the quality inconsistent, but the aspect ratio keeps changing But Michael Bay being the genius filmmaker he is, amplifies this effect to make it a thousand times more annoying Well Chris Nolan movies different scenes have different aspect ratios in this movie Every shot is a different aspect ratio like what the fuck is this what's going on Can't you just crop the whole movie or shoot the whole movie on one camera? It's not even alternating between two different aspect ratios It's alternating between three we got like a full frame, and then we got like a partial kind of full frame But it's a little down, and then we have it completely letterbox like this Are you trying to give me a headache as if you're fucking movie wasn't annoying enough? "Hey I'm Michael Bay, and I am a strong believer in protecting the cinema experience" Random man: "His filmmaking is a very three-dimensional" Different Random man "On a 3d rig and shoot in 3d" "I'm here to keep 3D alive Transformers Movie is meant to be seen with big-screen from brightly lit 3d screens IMAX 3d native 3d 3d 3d 3d 3d" Everything wrong with the series in 1 minute and 15 seconds of screen time the following minute and 15 seconds of this movie Encapsulates everything wrong with it and everything wrong with this entire series At 6 minutes and 55 seconds we see Optimus Prime floating around I guess he's just frozen now and the last movie flew up in the air But I guess he just couldn't handle space didn't he fly from Cybertron how far is Cybertron didn't Starscream fly to Cybertron in five seconds in revenge of the Fallen and Then he flies back to earth with the Fallen in no time so Starscream and the Fallen can fly in space but Optimus Prime can't I guess it's all that climate change, it's Affecting the weather in space and it says transformers the last knight. It's just shoved in there No creativity at all remember when the credits used to be all intricate and cool All that nice sound design. Now they just slap the title as if to just get it over with like yeah This is a fifth Transformers movie what you want from us We're now seven minutes in and we get lazy narration that explains the plot "Some say he will never return, his sworn enemy Megatron Vanished" 7 minutes and 20 seconds in we get Mark Wahlberg, which is a whole other thing We then get treated to horrible editing and bland stock music which is gonna be something you're gonna have to get used to Seven minutes and 26 seconds in we get some generic text at the bottom left of the screen with the glitch noise look at that Aspect ratio, just keeps going then we're introduced to a new anti transformers force called the TRF What happened to the other ones what happened in nest where's tyrese Where'd tyrese go at 7 minutes and 40 seconds in we get a racist Hispanic robot I love stereotypes and look he's playing with a soccer ball, too. That's what Hispanic people Do are we gonna put a fucking sombrero on him too? Make him eat a taco have scene where he crosses the border. You know what that's so, but I bet it's gonna happen then John Turturro shows up. I don't know what he's doing here john Turturro in like two scenes in this movie, and he does nothing, but talk on the phone and a close-up That's his only purpose. I don't know why he's in this movie at eight minutes in we get more exposition Pandering to China and product placement. This serves no purpose at all it takes away from the dramatic tension of the scene actually what would be dramatic tension if Michael Bay Knew what the fuck he was doing. "3d 3d 3d." Child actors as if this movie isn't bad enough now We have children. You know my stance on children I can't stand them which is a shame because they make up at least 87 percent of my audience these kids sneak into some Restricted area where the Transformers fought? I don't know where this is if this is from the last movie or just some random battle That was fought like in between the fourth one or the fifth one. I have no fucking idea Oh, they were thinking like oh, you know what people like stranger things, and they like kids you know going on adventures So we'll get a bunch of kids with no chemistry who can't act. We're kids man would get away with anything nah, man I'm getting me a souvenir We'll just have him talk about nonsense that means nothing for two minutes. You have a big heart That seems to be working What's your workout routine what we just realized kids like watching other kids in films, and adults like watching kids in films as well Especially Kevin Spacey, here's what I'd like to do. I'd like to do a matinee for kids. Oh Kids, but as if this movie isn't cute enough that a little r2d2 bb-8 robot That's supposed to be cute so cute. I want an action figure that look there's a video Hey parents check out this fun toy from Hasbro My god, I like this mom Mom, I want this squeaks toy It's so fucking cute! so then these giant mechs come in and are like you're under arrest But then girl-power saves them then this guy gets up his name is canopy. "who is he?" "far as you're concerned my boyfriend" How long's that been going on? Oh my god. What did you guys write this in a day. We need a real writers room so we've got 14 great writers I mean, I know you don't make these movies for American people to enjoy anymore You just make them, so they could sell in China they can still read the Subtitles and realize how awful this dialogue is you know like they actually think Americans talk like this cuz of this movie "I'm just gonna hotwire this bitch." How has she lived here this whole time without anyone noticing? There's all kinds of drones all over the place the military is constantly watching it especially with this giant Transformer with her I get it has like a blanket, but that's not enough it has to move around every once in a while Right then Mark Wahlberg shows up for god knows what reason just starts shooting hey "It's all I got in my bag of tricks. You might want to hop in" *shooty shooty mcbang bang* So we go from following a random prologue that makes no sense and doesn't need to be there to the Military's point of view to these kids point of view to the girl's point of view - Mark Wahlberg's point of view "You know there's a reward for turning you in." "Really?" "Yeah." "Oh you want to get punched in the face really hard" Michael Bay's a feminist now another great gimmick that Hollywood tried to capitalize on is girl power I say tried cuz it didn't work It worked for movies like Wonder Woman because people enjoyed the movie, and they wanted to see a Wonder Woman movie I mean I didn't enjoy it. I'll talk about that next month anyway You can't just make a turd and put a woman in it and then expect me to go. Oh this movie's so progressive I got to see it so before the movie came out they released all these ads promoting the strong female character of Isabella portrayed by a girl named Isabella The fuck she's in these trailers talking about things And she talks to the camera Isabella: "funny what you can do when all you have left depends on it done Fight like a girl? Yeah, I fight like a girl." It feels like an ad for nerf guns or something I am strong I am powerful fight like a girl "Don't you?" they clearly shot this after the fact to try to promote it as some empowering movie She's in it for maybe ten minutes, and she has absolutely no impact on the story. She's there to appeal to kids and women Why are they doing this at this point? do you think women and little girls are gonna watch Transformers movies these movies are made to appeal to little boys and Men with the attention span of little boys "i wanna stay, and I want to fight them" you want to fight What what are you gonna do? Wow Michael Bay I'm so glad you finally included a strong female character in one of your pictures He's so progressive does anyone remember the rest of his films Where he shoots women like their sex objects does anyone remember the rest of his films? Where the female characters don't do anything aside from being some kind of reward for a male protagonist does anyone remember? How he shot rosie huntington Wheatley in transformers 3 where he had a close-up on her ass for an entire minute wow What a liberal director what a liberal film Fuck you Michael Bay doesn't care anymore one thing I'll give those first few movies especially the first one as you could tell he cared a little bit I mean those movies still look pretty good. There's lots of really complicated beautiful shots and set pieces in them Now it seems like he's going through the motions. There's nothing memorable in this movie in terms of action or cinematography There's a lot of cutting now It's all just shot handheld and he gets a few wides, and then he lets his editor piece it all together. He's so clearly Sleepwalking through this entire shoot. It's embarrassing any of the more intricate complicated shots are completely done in CGI But anything involving a set or real actors is just like phoned in shit handheld wide Medium medium close up close up shooting shooting aspect ratio change aspect ratio change he can have all the money in the world for making these movies But I know That he's miserable Making this movie because you could tell from the film making "Would you ever consider a prequel to everything and maybe like where everybody came from stuff like that I know it's been touched on in This universe already." "listen now You know you're getting into heady heady heady stuff now. This is like Look your camera man is getting bored I can tell." The kind of plot I find it Outstanding that this movie has a worse script than Transformers Revenge of the Fallen Transformers Revenge of the Fallen was a disaster only because Michael Bay shot action scenes before writing the script because there was a writer's strike and once those action scenes were done the writers had to piece together a Story out of something just so these action scenes connected with each other I mean, maybe it's the fact that this movie was written by what a hundred ten people of course It's a jumbled mess we need a real writers room So we've got fourteen great writers having that many writers should not be a selling point I mean I think a movie should probably have one writer at most two I think Usually the best movies ever made or the ones written by one are two people not ten not Fourteen we're 25 minutes into this movie, so it's about time the plot starts This movie is two and a half hours long by the way and the pacing is horrible So Optimus Prime arrives at his homeworld and says a bunch of bad dialog "My world... What Has happened to my world?" What do you mean? What happened you you've got in a war and destroyed the planet idiot then there's this woman transformer Who's the prime of life? you are my creator? I am Quintessa the prime of life. why is she here why is she being introduced now? Why is no one heard of her didn't all the primes know each other and the second he arrives at the planet She's yapping her mouth "what has happened to my world?" Your world is dying So Mark Wahlberg was given an amulet with a cross on it by a transformers night Then there's a dramatic reveal of anthony hopkins "The night has arrived The talisman has been bestowed At last cogman it begins Good Good Got it great good And then we're treated to dramatic sports, I don't know what this sport is it's like golf with horses I don't care, so this woman is also a tour guide of this museum. That's also a castle. That's also Anthony Hopkins house You know I'm glad Anthony Hopkins is getting a paycheck. I think he's the best actor in this movie If there is anything redeeming about this movie. I would say it's him cuz he's just having a blast with this "are you boys and girls? off the ship off the ship now!" so Optimus Prime is suddenly obsessed with fixing his home world. "You are mine to command" I think Optimus Prime is an idiot he gets himself killed in the second movie gets tricked by his teacher who almost destroys the planet in the third one and somehow in between the third and fourth movie manages to ruin human relations so much that humans start hunting down the Transformers and executing them Steve Buscemi plays one of the transformers "If that fancy pancake was real i'd grab a spaceship and blow this dirtball planet" He doesn't fit the role at all. "There are exactly seven, count em, seven signs of the Apocalypse And that talisman showing up here is numero uno" He's playing a large guy with a beard And he should sound all bassy and growly like John Goodman. "my invitation to this ass-kicking must've got lost in the mail" but he just sounds like a wimp "I'm gonna go slather myself in oil" so then John Turturro looks at a board and then we get another Fantastic line delivery from Anthony Hopkins. oh my god Cybertron is coming The scene is 20 seconds long and features no characters we know and then it ends, and we never see these people again, it's I'm sorry. I'm still laughing about the last line. Oh my god Cybertron is coming. Oh my god. I love it so then transformers becomes Suicide Squad What up fellas man, I wanna kill you right now But i'ma kill you later," they're recruiting all these guys cuz Megatron knows where a weapon is that could be really dangerous So now these guys are gonna trust Megatron But not the Autobots "a threat to our very existence and Megatron can lead us to it" We're gonna do this whole thing again every movie They go you know what Megatron or some other Decepticon has some information that we need so we're gonna work with him And hopefully he doesn't screw us over even though. He's done that four times already, and then there's like this weird montage It's like Suicide Squad. I swear to God baby free at last thank Megatron i'm free at last I'll chop your brain. what is this? In for bank robbery Aggravated assault murder double murder triple murder nine dead didn't even take the money no And then these guys just get killed off in a minute like they're not even important Why was this in here then they go to Anthony Hopkins They reveal that she's related to Merlin? "brilliant minds, Explorer, scientists, artists, world leaders Renaissance thrill-seekers, people like Catherine the Great in principle Rush General Washington Williams shakes between Elizabeth the thing it really took that the Wright brothers all United among cause to protect the secret history of transformers" then they show transformers in Nazi Germany we see bumblebee fighting Nazis. It's like What are we doing here guys? What is this and then Shocker Megatron turns against them and they fight And then the movies over "our fates were always entertaining" shut up Mark Wahlberg Mark wahlberg I'm not one of these people that hates Mark Wahlberg just by default sometimes. He's pretty good but most of the time He's not and this might be his worst performance since the happening he's so bad I don't know what to attribute it to him not caring him not being talented Michael Bay not directing him Well his character not being written well or maybe all four Izabella izabella with a Z I don't care if it's a Z an emoji or a dollar sign This is no place for you. Just go home I don't even know what to say after that "God get out of the way man You know you really missing out cuz it's okay to be a kid little JLo. I believed in one of the great ones Optimus Prime, and it's true. I never lost faith You did the whole world did so you got an inline Energon leak on a slam fix don't get it fixed Autobots about to bleed out you got 30 seconds now. What are you gonna? Do go? Only you can make it right prime i Can't do without you One moment that's all we got It's up to you Prime and that was mark wahlberg And that was a clip from transform as the last night, and what is this one about? Ah, this one is kind of like a man on the run story Where you know I've basically in order to protect my daughter I kind of leave her and go off on my own And I'm being pursued by every different agency Under the Sun, and then I get approached by Sir Anthony Hopkins character And he convinced as he basically puts me with this comes from that *marky mark rambling on about transformers* Script that makes Schindler's List look like Monty Python. This is one of the least funny movies I've ever seen if if that's an even a phrase we got an Italian Robot we got a black guy saying a line about jail can't go to jail man. Hey mr.. Real world okay? Let's go. I can't go to jail. I'm too skinny Patel. I can't even look Mike we got Bbw this one's looking for a bbw I don't know what that is. It's a car deer big beautiful woman is it a robot singing dude Stop it sting like a bee sting sting like a bee we got a girl who's turned on "its going down your pants careful" and is it tight or gripping hard?" "doesn't hurt, but I don't know what it does like some worthless alien junk" I think the purpose. I think they will find out what the purpose is if if you want to yeah this dialogue "Hey, what's with the c-3po Ripoff?" "Don't kill the messenger or the messenger will kill you" we got this dialogue "well run off with some crazy ninja Butler" got this dialogue look at this little fake horse I mean, this is nothing new if you're expecting high-caliber comedy from Michael Bay movie I don't know what to tell you the worst cgi editing in action in the whole series And that really says something so I don't like the CGI in this movie either I think most of the effects are bad toward the end they start to get a little bit better I think there's some really nice shots in the scene But overall just this looks like crap these robots look like crap Bumblebee and Optimus Prime constantly changed proportion like sometimes bumble beats the size of his foot and sometimes he's half the size of the city the C-3po robot keeps changing size. I think bumblebee and Megatron look okay I think the rest of them just look flat-out bad and the editing Jesus Okay If you want to see the worst editing ever maybe you have to watch these phone Conversation scenes with Anthony Hopkins and John Turturro, I swear to god It's like Michael Bay has never edited a movie before this whole system pipes to Santa Monica where I have five editors yo Yo, bye Anyway, so so here's what's going on all right? We're with Anthony Hopkins on the phone here We get a wide shot of Anthony Hopkins running into a place. We barely see him in the frame Then we get this back shot of him running in then we cut to this location which is in Cuba and Jonathan Toros just in the corner in a wide shot We get like a quarter second shot of a phone being picked up and then a Dalian on Jonathan Terra then we get a wide shot of this library and It pans down at Anthony Hopkins who's walking with a cane now even though he didn't have a cane in the last Take he also doesn't have that bag on that he did earlier Then he's running again for some reason and the camera slowly turning then we get this POV shot of him running through books then this robots here Where did he come from he wasn't there before I'm like what is this shot? Where did this robot go? He was like right next to John Turturro his second to go and now he's what over there now Anthony Hawkins is sitting down We never we got another slow. Dolly in we got close-up of this book as Anthony Hopkins explains some stupid shit a Unicron one day his horns will rise to fight the mad goddess, Quintessa And we got like 10 shots of Anthony Hopkins just feeling this book are there even words on this page Yeah, then we get him just walking out and again. Just ten shots of him getting in a car This could be done in one shot and then I guess his GPS or something has a map of the earth on it and it for some reason has all the pinpoints of like where all these staffs are and The computer knows to make Pangea out of the continents had you shiipa come to me Anthony Hopkins has to explain that's Pangaea and then we get a flash frame of white and He feels this thing for a quarter of a second. I guess this happened earlier in the movie, Pangaea Supercontinent it's the same shape on the round table think again And there's some guy who clearly isn't Anthony Hawkins who dubs over this dialogue just to explain to the dumb audience Something that they should have known already the supercontinent It's the same shape on the round table what? And then we flush frame back to John Turturro on the phone in a medium shot And he's another Anthony Hopkins dub done by some other guy who doesn't sound like Anthony Hopkins at all As if that isn't bad enough Anthony Hopkins the real Anthony Hopkins has a line immediately after that line So you could just hear how different he sounds genius, that's Stillman yes That's still hinge ma says handle it brother I handle it brother Simmons, Vietnam, and then he says I never had a brother and then hangs up the phone I never had a brother. What in the hell was that scene feels nice. Why couldn't the scene be a medium shot of Anthony? Ha on the phone, and then a medium shot of him on the phone, and then a close-up I am on the phone and a close-up of John Turturro on the phone, and then they hang up instead It's like this circus act of just 10,000 shots that mean nothing gives me a headache, let's discuss pacing now I'm gonna compare the pacing of this movie to the first Transformers movie far from a perfect movie I know honestly not that good of a movie, but the first Transformers Movie is so much better than transformers 5 and despite being almost the same length the last night feels like it's 5 hours longer than transformers 1 This is cuz aside from all the bad comedy and stupid action the first Transformers followed a very basic structure, this is not a bad thing Both films start with a prologue a character explaining how this artifacts is important? And how our characters are gonna chase after it in the movie and transformers. It's the Allspark and in the last night It's a staff in transformers this lasts 2 minutes of screen time and then it's over in the last night The scene is 7 minutes long And it does a pretty poor job explaining what the staff is and what it does I guess it's magic or something at this point in transformers We finished establishing the be plot and the army characters in the movie Sam Witwicky is Introduced 10 minutes into the movie and in only one scene you get who he is and why his character is important and what he? Wants Mark Wahlberg isn't introduced until 15 minutes into the last night? And we don't really get a gauge of who he is and what he's doing until 28 minutes into the movie While this is going on we get a poorly set up B plot Involving Optimus Prime becoming evil this happens 20 minutes into the movie We also get a random scene of this girl 25 minutes into the movie. That's dumb We don't know who she is or what's important about her What took transformers 1 15 minutes to do takes the last night? 25 minutes to do the inciting incident of the first Transformers is 15 minutes into the movie when Sam buys bumblebee and the first act is over and the second act is starting at 55 minutes into the movie when Sam meets Optimus Prime and he explains what the hell is happening this may seem long But it takes Star Wars a new hope 50 minutes to reach the second act so I guess it's not that A few scenes could have been cut out maybe but let's compare that to the last night in the last night the first act ends and the second act begins an hour and 20 minutes into the movie When Mark Wahlberg goes with this British robot to meet Anthony Hopkins who will explain? What the hell is happening the second act of the movie is usually the longest act in a movie where the most happens in the first Transformers the third act doesn't happen until two hours into the movie so Transformers like many other movies chose to break it down a little bit like this hour One is act 1 hour 2 is act 2 and the last 20 minutes is act 3 and the fight ends at around 2 hours And 13 minutes into the movie the epilogue is only a couple of minutes And then the movies over it ends at 2 hours And 15 minutes the last night the second act going into the third act happens two hours in two minutes much like the first one Except keep in mind that act 1 ended much much later at an hour and 20 minutes Which means the second act of the movie is only? 40 minutes long the longest and most dense part of a story and of most films is Shorter than the first act of the movie and only slightly longer than the third act of the movie act 3 starts at 2 hours and 3 minutes And it ends at 2 hours and 25 minutes Act 1 is an hour and 20 minutes act 2 is 40 minutes in act 3 is 22 minutes on a timeline it would look like this not saying transformers is a well paced movie because that film is too long as well in fact the Transformers timeline should look something like this, but it's certainly much less bloated than this uneven disaster It's why this movie is so freakin boring. It's okay to have 30 minutes of action I guess But you really need to understand these characters and like them and know what's going on in order to have that but despite the first act being an hour and 20 minutes you learn nothing about any of these people because the writing is awful and The acting is bad, and then we're rushing along the story in anything that could be interesting It's just like a footnote instead We just have to watch characters run around and you don't know why anyone's doing anything. You don't know what's going on it's just Boring I mean clearly people have grown tired of the series cuz it's not making nearly as much money as it used to for some Reason people really like this movie in China, and I guess good for them They need to enjoy something who knows maybe if you see Transformers in China they give you a free gas mask or something I mean these movies do crazy well in China not just a little well I mean even though this movie made a hundred and thirty million dollars here That's still way too high people just want the same shit or Gurjit ated on-screen robots fighting except this time There's a dragon robots fighting except this time. There's a dinosaur and the brilliant well made movies Just fall to the wayside because we got to watch Optimus Prime fight Megatron again What else is new oh? My god. Oh my god, it's Optimus Prime hate to break up the party But I heard you hated my film Transformers the last night I have had my army of Autobots murder every critic on the planet We're like 20 shots in we're really bad right now hmm 21 shots in but somebody Transformers movies you're making right? Back are you guys gonna go like are you just gonna go to every different historical type different into back Then like there weren't cars. Did you turn into horses? Yeah? What did you turn into? Did you just dirty the rocks? You know he used to turn into a loose change in the 1800s. They called him Optimus dine He used to transform into cakes and pies they called them Optimus keyline You need did you know he used to be a football player would they call him Optimus halftime? Did you know Optimus Prime fought in a World War two Which side? He was on the Nazi side they called him Optimus nine And then they arrested him for an optimist war cry Oh, he's gone now. He just left oh We hurt his feelings. Oh, No well his movies suck. I'm taking your shot I'd seen the review fuck off
Really enjoyed this review. Had more "review" than "antics" which I personally enjoy more.
another oen