[Music] [James:] Welcome to The Kill Count, where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies. I'm James A. Janisse, and today we're looking at My Bloody Valentine, a Canadian film released in 1981. Like Black Christmas and Halloween before it, My Bloody Valentine is a simple slasher that takes place during a holiday. My Bloody Valentine sets itself apart by having working-class characters who are young adults, instead of high school students, and by taking place in a tiny Canadian mining town. The quaint setting alone is enough for me to enjoy it, but it's also got some freaking amazing gore, that we're really lucky to see. The MPAA cut a reported nine minutes of graphic footage from this bad boy when it was released, and it wasn't until 2009 that Lionsgate released a version with three minutes restored to it. You'll know when it was the previously cut footage, because it'll look grainier, and not as good as the rest of the movie. And also because it'll be insanely gory stuff. If you're ready for that, then I am too, so let's get to the kills. [Music] The movie begins in a mine. [James sings] In a minnneee.... Just when you think you're about to see two good ol' fashioned blue-collar miners whistling while they work, one of them starts stripping down, and that bod don't look dopey at all. Before these two can join the mile-low club though, the still-properly-dressed miner ruins the mood by shoving the lady against some kind of metal rod in the wall, impaling her through the back, and killing her a mere three minutes into the film. With the opening kill out of the way, we get our drippily-animated title card. [speaking quickly] Copyright 1981 Secret Film CO-INC It's two days before Valentine's Day, and these miners are clocking out for the day. [saucily] Such dirty boys, better hit the showers. And why not have a slap-fight while you're at it? Yeah! While scrubbing down, and definitely not looking at each other's dicks, they talk about the town's upcoming Valentine's Day party. [Howard] Gonna be a hot time on Saturday night, yee-haw! [James:] They're so eager to get back in town that they wind up doing an extended vaudevillian sequence getting in their cars, set to this fucking music: [goofy banjo music plays] As they drive into town, we get some nice shots of Sydney Mines, Nova Scotia, the actual mining community filling in for Valentine Bluffs: the little town with the big heart. With a name like that, you know this place is gonna celebrate Valentine's Day with a big ol' dance. And that's why all the miner girlfriends-- they're not under eighteen, they're the girlfriends of the miners, --are decorating Union Hall for the big event. Mayor Hanniger, who also owns the mine we just saw, isn't too pumped though. The town hasn't had a V-Day dance in twenty years, because of an as-of-yet unknown tragedy that happened back then. But this lady, Mabel, doesn't let him put a damper on her excitement. Maybe her enthusiasm will be quelled by a dead body falling on her. Just kidding, that dude ain't dead, it's just mining apprentice Howard, being a big goof. Mayor Hanniger reprimands him, then goes inside, which instantly upsets his son T.J., who's recently returned to town after having failed to make it big out on the west coast. [Mayor Hanniger:] It's not my fault he couldn't make it on his own. But now that he's back here, he's my son and he's working in the mine. [James:] Even worse, T.J.'s ex-girlfriend Sarah started dating his bro Axel while he was gone. Tough break, dude. On his way out the door, T.J. bumps into Chief Newby, played by Don Francks, who has a ton of fun facts about him. For instance, his nickname was Iron Buffalo, and he was the first voice of Boba Fett when the character appeared in the atrocious Star Wars Holiday Special. Which, by the way, you can watch me getting drunk to, and making jokes about, in a video here. As he and the mayor are leaving, Howard rushes out with a Valentine's Day gift someone left for Papa Hanniger. There's a threatening note, warning the mayor not to forget about the past, attached to the heart-shaped box. And he may be forever in debt to that priceless advice, because inside is an actual bloody human heart. That night at The Cage, a much less kinky bar than it sounds like, bartender Happy gives off some Crazy Ralph vibes, as he tells the movie's backstory to the audience, and this barfly, who looks like he stumbled in from a shipwreck. Twenty years ago, the town had a big ol' Valentine's Day dance, that was so bumpin', these two mining supervisors dipped out early to hit it up. Since they didn't check the methane levels on their way out, a big explosion happened that trapped five miners underground, all while the dance went on, and the supervisors laughed and drank. After a six-week effort to dig the bodies out, the rescuers found one of the miners, Harry Warden, still alive, having survived on a healthy diet of miner forearm. Again, that's the forearm of a mining dude, not of an underage child. Harry Warden went to a state mental hospital, but returned to town exactly one year later, celebrating Valentine's Day, 1961, by murdering the two irresponsible mining supervisors. We only see one of the murders onscreen, but since we hear that he cut out both their hearts, and left them in candy boxes, and we see two bloody boxes at that night's Valentine's Day dance, I'll go ahead and count both of them on the list. The end of the legend is that every February 14th, Harry Warden returns to town and slinks around the Hanniger mine to make no one's having any Valentine's Day fun. Or else he'll kill 'em with his pickaxe! Happy warns the kids not to have the dance, but he's not taken super seriously. [Howard makes a fart noise, then everyone in the bar laughs] [James:] Happy's not the only one pissing on this bar-night's parade. There is a LOT of tension going on between T.J., who looks real uncomfortable in this mining town, his ex Sarah, who tells him it's his own fault for leaving like he did, and Axel, who seems to be pretty controlling and insecure about Sarah now that T.J.'s returned. Speaking of people who have returned to town, looks like Harry Warden is strolling down the street, breathing heavily in his mining mask during a classic early slasher P.O.V. shot. He watches Mabel work on dance decorations, then leaves her a gift while she's in the back. She finds it and reads the note, that has another threatening rhyme in it, and then the lights go out and Mabel is attacked by the mining man. He gets her on the ground and kills her offscreen with his pickaxe, but the offscreen death is made up for when Newby finds her the next day in one of her dryers, her body burnt to a crisp as the tumble cycle finishes. And this is the kind of stuff that was only recently restored, as you can see by the quality of the footage. The effects look great though, and it honestly took me aback the first time I saw it. The mining boys have a junkyard party, where T.J. and Axel finally have an open conversation about their little situation. Only after an impromptu harmonica duet though, of course. [folksy harmonica duet] [James:] Man I love Canadians. Axel's position is that Sarah's with him now, and that it's T.J.'s fault for leaving town like he did, while T.J. says it's obvious that Sarah really wants to be with him. This is the kind of interesting character stuff that makes me really enjoy this movie. You get the prodigal son aspect of T.J.'s character, and a murky love triangle played realistically. For instance, the next day, Sarah's chatting to her friend Patty about how both dudes kinda suck right now, with T.J. always sulking, and Axel just being
kind of a doucher. Newby calls the mental hospital that Harry Warden was committed to, but the lady there can't find any records of him, which means he was either transferred, released, or deceased. Between that alarming piece of news, and Mabel's perm-pressed body, the mayor orders the dance cancelled. Newby locks up Union Hall, and tells the kids that come Valentine's Day, Valentine Bluffs will essentially be the town from Footloose. No. Dances. Allowed. The mining boys continue their feud, almost getting into a subterranean brawl before the supervisor breaks them up, and after work, T.J. goes into town and friggin' abducts Sarah. [Sarah:] Will you stop this? I don't want to go with you! Are you listening to me? [T.J.:] Nope. [James:] Okay, dude, pretty sure kidnapping's a felony here in the States, but maybe things are different up in Canada. He takes her [Half Baked voice] right near the beach, boy-ee, and they have a heartfelt conversation about how he was too ashamed to write or call after he ate shit out west. It's a nice character scene, with the perfect touch of Canadian to it. [T.J.:] I'm sorry, I'm so damn sorry. And it ends with them kissing on the coastline. At Happy's bar, the kids have the bright idea to have a Valentine's Day party in place of the cancelled dance. T.J. offers up his father's mine as a location, and the others think that's a great idea. Happy warns them against it, but T.J.'s all like: 'Dude, can you just fuck off with that Harry Warden shit for just one second, please?' And they agree with a cheer to party on, Garth. Happy heads to the mining facility, drunk on his own wares, and sets up a little pickaxe prank to get back at the miner bros for making fun of him. He has this compulsion to keep checking it, and making sure it works, laughing every time he opens the door, like an infant playing peek-a-boo, but on his last Q.C., he opens the door to find a miner man and a pickaxe through the throat AND OUT THE EYE? Holy shit! God damn! That is obviously footage that was cut, and no wonder, that shit looks amazingly disgusting. The next night, the party is on, and you know it's gonna be a good one, 'cause Hollis is already juggling before everyone is through the door. There's a whole bunch of characters here, but aside from our Twilight-style love triad, the jokesters Hollis and Howard, and Patty, who's also Hollis' girlfriend, nobody really makes too much an impression, so when this dude Dave heads to the kitchen to grab a snack, it's no big deal that he's our next victim. With the mining-gear-clad killer grabbing him by the head, and shoving his face deep into boiling water, Dave gets his head boiled to death, alongside some hot dogs, and honestly, boiled Dave face probably tastes better than boiled hot dogs, that shit's gross. Meanwhile, at the police station, Newby walks outside to find a bunch of stray dogs chomping at a bloody candy box. The note attached tells Newby that he failed to stop the party, confusing him enough to shout out into the empty night air. [Newby:] WHAT DAMN PARTY?! [James:] This damn party! Where Howard is snorting soda through his nose, 'cause I guess that passes for entertainment in Nova Scotia. Sarah and Axel get into a tiff, T.J. butts in, and when Axel tries to tell T.J. off in so many words, Sarah speaks up for herself. [Sarah:] Do you mind? I have my own mouth, thank you. [James:] She says she's sick of being the Bella of this ball. A plague on both your houses! A full-on fistfight erupts, and Axel's definitely got the upper hand, so it's up to good bro Hollis to break these boys up. Better storm out of there with a super dramatic beer can opening, Axel. Nice, dude, stick the landing with that door. Perfect! You've earned yourself a private corner cry. Go ahead and get gross with it. When T.J. tries apologizing to Sarah, she voices what the audience is thinking. [Sarah:] I just don't care anymore. [James:] Now we're in the locker room area, where another miner, John, is making out with this chick Sylvia. He leaves to go get some beers--a classic slasher setup to get a victim alone-- and narrowly avoids seeing Dave's body in the freezer when he grabs a six-pack. Some girls find Dave's heart, but it just looks like any another boiled fuckin' meat, which is to say, totally gross, so it doesn't even faze them, really. While waiting for John, Sylvia starts to get scared after someone turns on all the shower faucets, and then begins to drop all the mining gear down onto her. [Director voice] Okay, Sylvia, you're scared, so how do we convey that? Maybe try running around, grabbing your head, and yelling 'no'? [Sylvia:] OhHhHh! NoOoOoOOoO! NoOOoOo! NOooOoOO! [James:] Excellent. Happy's body drops down too to scare her even more, and then the mining man shows up and grabs her by the head to carry her into the bathroom area, and just impale her on one of those shower pipes. Lot of blood coming out of her there, and it's a pretty sweet image, that looks like it was mostly cut. What the hell did they even leave in this movie? John returns, and after briefly getting excited by the prospect of shower sex, finds her body and realizes with alarm that he will not, in fact, be getting laid tonight. [Director voice] Okay, John, so you're scared, so to convey that you're gonna--oh, great, you already know the head-grab move. Good work. Patty wants to take a trip into the mine to cheer Sarah up and distract her from her double-fuckboy problem. She convinces Hollis, Howard, and, uh, I'm-I'm sorry, I didn't catch your names, but come along anyway, so we can get a couple more kills. T.J. tries to tell them no, but the six of them promise they'll be right back up in no time. Here's a fun game, guess how many of them won't. Going down into the mine does sound like a pretty fun time, especially with the beer and blankets they've got, and friggin' Hollis as their Jungle Cruise captain leading the way. It's like an underground rollercoaster, just like the kind I'd always try to make in Rollercoaster Tycoon, until the game told me those rides were 'too intense' for the guests. Once they're down there, Hollis starts a tour, but the red shirt couple, whose names are Mike and Harriet, break off from the rest of the tour group to go have some hanky-panky. Back up top-side, one of those kitchen gals has finally found Dave's body, and John bursts in with the news that Sylvia has been killed as well. This obviously causes a bit of a sensation. [Axel:] Harry Warden, he's here, everybody get the fuck out! [James:] And everyone does get this fuck out. T.J. tries the phone, but finds the line cut, then he tells Axel about the group underground, so while the rest of the party hightails it out of there, the two of them head to the elevators so they can go on an underground rescue mission. As Hollis leads Sarah, Howard, and Patty out of the mine, they hear some lights breaking behind them. They can't see it, but mining man is going on a rampage, busting out lights to get things nice and spooky for the third act. The group runs in to T.J., who tells them Harry Warden is back, and they're gonna be in trouble, hey now, hey now, Dave and Sylvia are dead. When Hollis tells him of Mike and Harriet's sexual detour in the mines, they split up to find them, leaving Howard behind to stay with the ladies. [Howard:] Awww, shit. Hollis winds up going the right way, since he finds the couple. DEAD. They're lying there with a big ol' drill bit impaled straight through the both of them. A decent kill, but not overly bloody, so why is that footage so grainy? Was that seriously cut from this film too? The mining man shows up, and loads a nail in a nail gun that he then puts to Hollis' head and shoots. [Sgt. Brodski voice] But it's gonna take more than a poke in the head to put down this old dog. So mining man loads another nail into the gun, puts it back up to Hollis' head again, and fires a second time. [Sgt. Brodski voice] Yep, that oughta do it. Hollis is looking fucked up, and he's able to stumble away and make it back to die in front of Howard and the girls. Great job, Hollis, you probably just scarred them forever. Couldn't have just died back there on your own, huh? The trio sees mining man headed towards them in the tunnel, and Howard takes the fuck off. Mining man goes off into a side tunnel, but Howard doesn't stop booking it, even as Sarah yells after him that he's a coward. Patty goes into hysterics over Hollis' death, prompting a classic calm-down slap from Sarah. And then the two of them are joined by Axel, who says it's time to go, no more fun times mine adventures. They're soon joined by T.J. and the four of them start heading out, 'cause like, fuck Howard, I guess. Meanwhile, the other partygoers have driven into town and given Sheriff Newby the low-down. When he gets to the mine, he finds that the elevator isn't working, so you know that doesn't bode well for the people 2,000 feet below ground. Indeed, the elevator's all messed up on their end as well, so they realize the only thing they can do is climb the long, long ladder out of there. Patty has a real hard time of it, but even if she didn't totally suck at climbing, they'd have another problem in their way, since a body drops down on a noose right in from of them. It's Howard, and his freakin' head comes off! Oh shit! More grainy footage, of course, shows his body falling all the way down to the floor of the mine, and landing with with a pretty sweet thud. Nice reveal of an offscreen kill there. For whatever reason--I'm still not clear here-- they decide to just throw all their progress away at that moment and head back down the ladder to the bottom. Their new plan is to get to the railcars, and Axel takes the lead, promising he knows a shortcut to get there. But after T.J. and the girls get a little bit ahead of him, they hear Axel cry out and a big splash in some water. They go back to where they left him, and it looks like the dude fell into this 60-feet deep water. You wanna try to help him out, or just keep going? [T.J.:] It's too late for Axel, come on. [James:] Okay, abandonment it is. And now it's T.J.'s turn to send the others ahead and disappear offscreen with a loud noise. The girls continue on their own, but they don't make it very far before Patty gets a pickaxe to the gut from the mining man coming around the corner. She takes a good long while to die, staring up at the murderer as she slinks to the ground, and even giving him a bit of a hard time when he's like: 'Oh, okay, I need my pickaxe back.' Sarah runs off, and is enjoying her new official Final Girl status when she runs into T.J., who's bleeding from the head, but he says not to worry about it. They make it back to the mine cart when the murderer shows up, ready to mine their bodies...FOR BLOOD. They all wind up aboard the mining car as it heads back to the surface, which gives us a fun little train ride chase sequence aboard the car. Meanwhile, Newby reinforcements finally arrive at the facility,and he tells them the elevator no worky, so they head down the same tunnel the mining car is in. But T.J. and the mining man have a fight that eventually knocks them off the cart again, and Sarah jumps off to help out her man, 'cause she ride or die like that. They have the matchup we've always wanted to see, pickaxe vs. shovel, and the fight leads the two of them and Sarah into a little side room, that looks like it has a few too many load-bearing pillars. How 'bout you guys take care of that for us? Thanks! Mining man eventually gets the better of T.J., but before he can take this knife and do the damn thing, Sarah leaps up and unmasks him, to find out it's Axel, of-fucking-course. T.J. asks 'Why?' and we're treated to a flashback, where it's revealed that Axel was the son of one of the mining supervisors who got murdered twenty years ago and, I mean, Axel, you've actually got to communicate this stuff. T.J. and Sarah can't see this flashback you're having. It zones him out long enough for T.J. to hit him with a rock, and then the room starts collapsing in on them. T.J. and Sarah make it out safely, right as Newby and Co. arrive, and T.J. tells his dad and Newby that the killer wasn't Harry Warden, it was Axel. The rescue mission finds Axel's hand in the wreckage, and yell that he's alive, so Sarah runs back to see him, for whatever reason. When she goes to touch his arm, though, he grabs her. Surprising, given that he's actually cutting that arm off with a knife. Dude, you gotta wait at least a hundred-odd hours to resort to that shit. They pull his arm out, like, just his arm, and watch as Axel gallops away into the mine, laughing crazily and telling Sarah to be his bloody Valentine. The credits play, under a song about Harry Warden, that actually isn't half bad. [Jim McDermott, singer:] ♬ For the legend, they say, on a Valentine's Day, ♬ [James:] But you didn't watch this to hear the Ballad of Harry Warden, you watched it to see people get killed, and their bodies tallied up, so let's check our work, and get to the numbers. Hug me, awwww. [Music] [James:] Sixteen people died in My Bloody Valentine. The victims consisted of eleven guys, and five girls, a more than two-to-one dude-heavy ratio. With a runtime of 93 minutes, that comes out to kill on average every 5.81 minutes. I'll give the Golden Chainsaw for coolest kill to Happy. Lot of great deaths in this movie, but Happy's actually made me yell aloud when that pickaxe came out through his eye socket. Dull Machete for lamest kill will go to Patty, whose slow, lingering death after a simple pickaxe to the gut was a letdown after every other kill was pretty inventive. And that's it. My Bloody Valentine was released in 1981, and alongside Black Christmas, kinda cements my love for early Canadian slashers. And just like with that movie, they did make a remake of this, but I'm sorry, I couldn't find the time to cover that one too this year. But cheer up, Friday is Nightmare 5: The Dream Child, and until then, I'm James A. Janisse, this has been The Kill Count. Thanks a lot for watching my kill count for My Bloody Valentine. I want to thank a couple of my patrons, like Ryan Whitten, and Utaka Tamanaha. If you want to join the Patreon family, click that button that's right over there. Depending on how much you pledge, you'll get different rewards. For instance, $5 and up gets you earlier releases of every video. That's why you see comments that were posted the day before a video came out. It's not black magic, it's Patreon. Thank you for watching, and most importantly, be good people.
