Valentine (2001) KILL COUNT

[Music] happy Valentine's Day and welcome to the Kill cow where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies I'm James Agee nice and you know I love making holiday killcount so today I'm looking at Valentine's a pretty straightforward slasher released in 2001 this movie's a little weird to me many of it's very negative reviews called it a throwback to 80 slashers but to me it still seems like a scream inspired whodunit directed by Australian filmmaker Jamie blanks who also made the much more obviously scream inspired urban legend in 1998 Valentine features a cast of attractive and decently known young stars a masked mystery killer with plenty of potential culprits and kills that while plentiful tend to avoid any extreme gore that all feels pretty screaming to me and the only thing here that really reminds me of a tea slashers is the fact that all of the characters are pretty boring and makes stupid decisions that end up getting them killed let's see how many crappy characters get there bleeding hearts rip down cuz it's time for the kill slash entire movie summary the movie begins with a yearbook from a San Francisco middle school let's see you signed it Oh a crazy person cool this scary red pen scribbling x' were done by school nerd Jeremy Melton boom in 1988 was rejected at a dance by all of the girls he tried talking to including an amazingly cast actor playing a young version of Denise Richards in a scene with some seriously nauseating heartbeat editing we watch as Jeremy gets shot down by girl after girl one potential dance partner Kate is nicer than her friends and tells Jeremy maybe later but it's not until he talks to the quote/unquote fat girl Dorothy that he ends up spits whoppin beneath the bleachers everyone can see you too a bunch of adolescent douche nozzles find them and start their shameless bullying which causes Dorothy to lie and say that Jeremy Melton assaulted her the wrongfully accused boy gets pig's blow air punch dumped onto him and after his nose starts a bleedin he's pantsed and abused by the bullies while the whole student body watches and laughs god damn kids can be evil I'm sorry this is rough to watch could we please cut away to a title card thank you 13 years later one of the girls who rejected Jeremy Shelley Fisher is all grown up and played by Katherine Heigl who just a few years prior was that insufferable character and Bride of Chucky she's on a date with an asshole named Jason who talks about himself in the third person and says he wants to breed with her check please sorry dude guess he can't just skate by on dates looking like hot Chris Kattan Shelly's a med student at UCLA where she studies dead bodies and the more but don't get too excited y'all cadavers don't go on the Gil Kyle they died prior to the movie and you know they aren't really characters Shelley hears a loud crash and as we the audience remember that she was credited as an Katherine Heigl it becomes apparent real quickly that this girl bout to get drew Barrymore she finds a Valentine addressed to her with a fun little pool tab pic inside that's nice hey that's what I said when she returns to her workstation she finds her cadaver breathing because wait a minute her cadaver is now in this closet back here meaning she just nearly cut into us ha just kidding she nearly just cut into this dude who attacks her now from behind a curtain this is the stupidest fucking thing though man you're telling me the killer came in moved her cadavers hook his own shirt off got under a sheet and nearly allowed himself to get sliced open just for what shit's and gigs please don't be scream 3 Valentine's this movie's killer wears a chair of mass designed by K and B effects crew it's not a bad mask but it was way too expensive for me to buy for the background of this video but hey if you're a huge Valentine fan the links in this video description have at it he chases Shelley down a hallway and into a room full of body bags pretty fortuitous for her since the body bag works as the perfect hiding floor actually never mind this is not good the killer checks each corpse with his knife in a decently directed slasher set-piece the first of a handful in this bill eventually though he does find Shelley and slits her throat to make her the first victim on our couch as her blood empties out into the drip tray looks like this mofo gives blood to get blood to since he bleeds out through his nose hole in the max run man with the opening kill out of the way Valentine briefly becomes a bad romantic comedy also known as most romantic comedies as we head back to San Francisco to join page played by Denise Richards and Kate the girl who was somewhat nice to Jeremy as the kid kate is played by Marley Shelton who would go on to be that red herring deputy in scream for nearly a decade later the two of them makes sexist short jokes about guys angels meeting someone on the internet and finding out that six footage really means and go on a speed-dating session shot full the broad comedy and unlikable caricatures the Bible is the foundation of morality and marriage I'm glad they're having a good time here but I'm already pissed that these are the vapid characters were stuck watching in this movie the two of them get a phone call about Paige's death and at her funeral Cate rejects a rekindling with her recent ex-boyfriend Adam played by David Boreanaz at this time in his career in this type of movie localized entirely within the cemetery Adams got a drinking problem which is why he and Kate are broken up right now although he swears to her he's been clean for a few weeks now after he leaves the ladies meet up with their other friends Dorothy the one who had falsely accused Jeremy Melton as a child and Lily the of other mean blonde one Jesus page it's a funeral what it's cool that this movie follows a group of gal pals who seem like good friends I just wish their characters were more memorable when you know likeable they're questioned by a cop named detective Vaughn who's investigating Shelley's death but they tell him that they haven't seen her for a year or more he thanks them for their information and leaves but not before blatantly I fucking page in public Dorothy heads home to her mansion because she's rich and finds a pool tab Valentine addressed to her just like shall we had received only this one is signed with a JM hmmm before she can figure out what that means she gets a visit from her boyfriend of one whole month Campbell who just lost his apartment after his roommate didn't pay the rat and of course the timing couldn't be worse because every penny I have is invested in this startup oh god I bet he refers to himself as an entrepreneur ah but Dorothy decides to let him move into one of their guest rooms an insane decision that even housekeeper Millie knows as fucking whack meanwhile Kate who does not live in a mansion experiences some water stoppage in the middle of washing her hair forcing her to give herself a swirly to finish the job fun fact I also gave myself a swirly in a video I made and put online in 2003 man I was a fucking idiot Kate gets a spooky phone call and sees that her apartment door is now open let her walk out into the hallway still just in a towel yeah that's a great idea Kay she finds the elevator door stuck open with a chair of masks blocking its path the same share of masks some kids wore back at their middle-school dance Kate picks up the mask only to be scared by her annoying neighbor Gary a poor-man's Cosmo Kramer whose character consists entirely of hitting on her and Wray how about a date okay you can be my man okay the last two ladies of this friend group Paige and Lily will get their own Valentine experience just as soon as they're done making more shitty short jokes there's maybe they're probably just Glantz he doesn't clear the people remember their shit-talking this dude who sent Lily a video date hand gas that used to be a thing there's some great collections of real ones online and if your typical research mathematician I guess hey you thought dating apps were bad anyway Lily gets a Valentine from JM alongside some chocolates with a special filling inside maggots are you sure those weren't sent from the tans dance academy as they suss out who JM could be they think of Jeremy Melton giving them the perfect opportunity to make new roles but since miserably annoying people like to keep company with each other the girls go to an art exhibit where they see that Jason guy from Shelley's date staring at them with all the subtlety of a purge movie spoiler alert we'll never see this dude again but I do hope you all like your herrings red Lily introduces Paige and paid to her boyfriend max the artist of this exhibit who just like that cop loves to engage in I fucking okay max give some fart huffing presentation before sending his audience off on a bullshit interactive experience actually you know what I shouldn't talk too much shit about this it's probably the most interesting set piece of the movie love me love me and hell yeah dude it's got def tones playing in the background during the exhibit Lily gets mad when max tries to rope her into a threesome leaving her to storm away from him with an exchange that actually made me laugh aloud well the problem is you turned out to be a cheap hit the critical sleazeball yeah but you knew that Lily gets lost among the sexy sliding doors and giant pix of T posing before she suddenly shot in the stomach with an arrow twice that dudes head looks so tiny the killer shoots her again knocking her outside and as his nose bleeds he lines up a third and final shot that sends her over a balcony and straight down into a dumpster Jason Takes Manhattan style that's how you kill and clean up all in one action bitches under the watchful eye of this art exhibit Dorothy's boy toy Campbell gets yelled at by a woman named Ruth better see why this lady's so upset daughter I'm just the idiot who's still waiting for the return on her internet investment oh I see you got to be careful with them Internet investments Campbell drags Dorothea away handouts the next day where the girls are once again being questioned by detective on they tell this bargain bin Ed Harris that it might be Jeremy Mountain who killed Shelly since back in sixth grade they got him sent to reform schools after he attacked Dorothy he did attack you right no Dorothy you asshole I was fat that's not an excuse and no you aren't von researches Jeremy Melton and discovers that he went to a state-run mental hospital before disappearing off the grid a few years back although this 2001 animorphs technology shows them what Jeremy may look like now but do anybody that looks like this or this or this Vaughn notes that it's possible he could look completely different to since he may have gotten plastic surgery even though that is not how plastic surgery works I guess this movie's pretty scream 3 though further questioning leads some of the ladies to suspect Dorothy's new boyfriend Campbell as the killer before they all leave the station to go back home except for Paige who Vaughn holds back to openly harass in his office please remove your hand from my thigh cattle of movies where everybody sucks at Kate's apartment her for some reason running iron is picked up by the cupid killer as he finds scary Gary's sitting in her room and trying on her underpants although Gary says I'm not sick and I am NOT well the killer makes him sit a down with a blow to the head that proceeds to kill him with the running iron first by burning his face and then by straight beating him to death and nothing of value was lost Kate returns home to find Adam waiting to give her a Valentine's gift huh a whole goddamn sucker you shouldn't add they've actually had some scenes throughout the movie showing them slowly getting back together but I haven't felt the need to mention any of Managed because they're all pretty much boring as fuck speaking of boring relationships Dorothy still has Campbell hanging around her mansion and the two of them also exchange Valentine's gifts she gets him an expensive watch and he gets her this wow it's so beautiful damn Dorothy I guess all that money can't buy you better lying skills Campbell turns out to be the con man you'd expect him to be having forged this relationship with Dorothy in order to steal funds from her family's account sounds like he needs a good justice murder right after he fixes the blown-out pilot light in this water the killer appears behind Campbell swings an axe into his back and that one strike was enough to kill him I guess Warner Brothers made the movie cut down on its gore thanks to concerns about violence after Columbine which come to think of it was also a problem for spring 3 maybe that's why these movies are so similarly stupid a party gets bumpin at Dorothy's mansion but she has a hard time enjoying it since she thinks Campbell has stood her up it doesn't help when that ruthie chick shows up and says that Dorothy is wearing her necklace maybe let Dorothy keep it though Ruthie it's not a nice necklace still All Things Considered I think that seems like a pretty nice party nice party Dorothy it blows this party sucks this party officially sucks oh well fuck me I guess Ruthie goes to leave the party you only to run into the killer dragging housekeeper Billy's body out of the closet man you're supposed to hide bodies in the closet why you acting in Reverse dude another slashes set piece of sins during which roofie finds Campbell's corpse in Diab sauna I think but eventually the killer throws roofie through a glass shower door leaving one dangerous-looking shard behind the cherub faced killer murders roofie by jamming her head through it Shin first hot damn Kate finds Adam drinking some champagne and gets mad at him for falling off the wagon you know I've been looking all over for you she leaves him without sympathy as some orgy blares over the speaker but it's not a song from candy ass so I'm not too familiar with it Paige winds up in a hot tub so we can have the requisite Denise Richards bikini quacks hey who would have guessed it the killer shows up to ruin her relaxing so after hearing a noise Paige looks around only to be thrown back into the jacuzzi which the killer locks are inside of by closing the lid up tight quiet down with all that ruckus Paige you know how loud noises gives this guy bloody noses the killer drills some holes into the cover and Paige's body and when the waters good and ready he tosses the power drill inside to cause a death by electrocution buzzy buzzy the kill causes the mansion's power to go out which sends most of the party guests headed home wow that little bridge driveway sucks you'd have to drive so slow Dorothy who's upset about you know everything yells that K that Adam is responsible for everything going on and that he's probably Jeremy Melton all buffed up in plastic surgery that still doesn't make any goddamn sense but at least he gives Kay the chance to make a slick reference the Boreanaz his prior work okay fine he's no angel but he's not a murderer nicely done instead of just I don't know leaving the murder mansion hate calls detective bond for help only to hear his phone ringing from somewhere in the backyard sounds like it's near this little pond guy here does that thing for koi fish shirt nope just had severed heads quick Kate run and get some help before the koi fish get sick she runs back inside the mansion where Adam descends the stairs like a creeper and scares her straight into a slow dance just worried that you are me instead she hurts him with a need of the nuts and tries to run away he chases her into a final girl circuit where of course she discovers dead body she also fights back a bit and finds his head at the bottom of this bottle after locating a rack of real weapons though Kate arms herself up with a handgun and takes it on the offensive upstairs there the chair of masked killer runs out at her which causes both of them to take a nasty spill down the steps when the figure sits up like a serial killer they get shot all the hell in the chest thanks to Adam in the game room with the gun Adam hugs Kade and unmask the killer to reveal Dorothy dead as a doornail bleeding out all over her own expensive floor odds he calls the police and comforts Kate and the two of them say that they love each other in fact I know she always liked since the sixth grade cuz even though Kate doesn't fucking react to it at all she gets some blood on her cheek courtesy of Adam's drippy nose because the movie ends with the implication that Adam is Jeremy Melton and that he was the real killer all along David Boreanaz is obviously not the product of face changing plastic surgery but he's still managed to permanently break a bunch of hearts let's see how many and get to the numbers I the air is really drying here nine people died in Valentine and with three of the men and six of them women we had the rare occurrence of the ladies outnumbering the guys two to one for the runtime of 96 minutes that left us with a kill on average every 10 6 7 minutes I'll get the golden chainsaw for coolest killed to Ruthie it was definitely the most painful to watch even if it wasn't overly graphic with the gore Dome was ready for lamest kill goes to Milly whose body was dragged around the house all willy-nilly and that's it Valentine came out in 2001 and is a great example of why the slasher boom after scream ended so quickly they were just getting phoned in after a while next week's a p.o box video and after that I'll look at scary stories to tell in the dark but until then I'm James a JD's there's been the kill count thanks a lot for watching this kill cam I want to thank some patrons like Britney Lusk Knightley Gaia emo Robert van geen Louisa Jantz Travis Paige Jordan Fay host Shaw and Trish Jenn when this video comes out I'll be recovering from a surgery on my vocal cord it's not a big deal I'm just getting a polyp removed but I'm unable to speak for the entirety of the month of February thanks everyone be good people

Channel: Dead Meat

Views: 4,211,133

Keywords: horror, dead meat, movies, scary, films, kills, kill count, body count, james a. janisse, jaj, pine commander boogie, slasher, scream, jamie blanks, denise richards, david boreanaz, marley shelton, jessica capshaw, katherine heigl, valentine, valentine's day, cupid, cherub, holiday, romance, angel, st. valentine, jessica cauffiel, hot tub, jacuzzi, arrow, DMKC, valentine review, valentine movie

Id: jU2GZ7lmALw

Length: 18min 11sec (1091 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 14 2020