More Old Jews Telling Jokes

[Music] Helen wakes up at 4 o'clock and Lou is not in bed so she goes downstairs and she sees him sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee a tear running down his cheek just looking at the wall wistfully she goes Lou honey what is why are you up so early he says well do you remember how young we were when we first started dating and she goes uh of course I remember that he says do you do you remember how your father caught us making love in the backseat of the car and she goes oh boy I can't forget that and he says what do you remember your father take takes a gun puts it to my head and said if you don't marry my daughter I'm gonna make sure you go to jail for 30 years and she puts her hand on his on his hand and she go oh I do remember that too so tears running down from his eye and he says I would have gotten out today a Gentile fellow is going to marry a very ultra-orthodox Jewish woman he went to the ultra Orthodox rabbi who converted him and it was the night before the wedding and the rabbi said to him now do you have any questions about tomorrow for the wedding he said yes rabbi as a matter of fact I do tomorrow night at the wedding can I dance with my wife and the rabbi says absolutely not the men dance with the men the women dance with the women he says how about eating this absolutely not you cannot eat with your wife the men ate with the men the women eat with the women do you have any other questions he says well rabbi while I have you here can I ask you some questions about sexual issues he said sure ask whatever you want he says rabbi with regard to positions with a man on the top the woman on the bottom the missionary tradition position as well we don't call it that but that's okay he says how about with a woman on top and the man on the bottom he says it's a little different but there's nothing wrong with that he says how about in a doggy style oh that's a little kinky but there's nothing in Halawa that prevents it you have any other questions he says Robbie how about doing it standing up he says absolutely not that could lead to dancing colin is been in this old age home for quite a while he has Alzheimer's but one of the nurses took a liking to him or two always come in to find out how he was one day she came in there he was very sad he was crying she's just calling what happened he said my penis died she didn't paint on mine the next day he's walking up and down the aisles with his penis hanging out so the nurse grabs him puts him back in with her you can't do that cuz and by the way yesterday you told me your penis died he says I know today is the viewing state trooper came upon the scene of a one car accident car had run headlong into a tree a man and woman were thrown from the car dead at the scene he looked all around he could figure no explanation for this accident it was a straight two lane highway there was virtually no traffic the weather was clear the payment was dry made no sense whatsoever he's looking around for a clue he sees a monkey sitting up in a tree he says to himself rhetorically I wonder if that monkey might have been here when this happened you saw this did you see what these people were doing at the time of the action now what were they doing oh they were smoking marijuana what else anything and they were drinking was there anything else no and what were you doing all this time [Laughter] a very nice young woman decided that she'd like to have her breasts enlarged so she went to the plastic surgeon who told her that that kind of surgery would cost $5,000 and she certainly couldn't afford that so she said don't you have anything that's less expensive that I could use and he says as a matter of fact I've just initiated a new procedure where I make two little slits I put in two balloons and when you want it have a nice bus line you're going out somewhere just go like this and the bus line will increase you'll look beautiful and it'll be great and she was very happy with the results and one day she's walking in the park and this very handsome young man is coming toward her and so she starts pumping it up and as he comes closer he says oh I see you use dr. Stein to write and group married that day entering the bridal chamber that night the groom picks up his beautiful bride looks down at her and says is this your first time and she looks up and says why does everybody ask me that question the Irishman walks into the bar sits down and orders of whiskey puts a $20 bill on the table and the bartender gives him a whiskey and he's drinking it and feeling very happy looks down at the end of the bar sees a girl sitting there and he says to the bartender whatever that girl is drinking sending down a drink and the bartender says don't buy her a drink just listen I'm buying buy her a drink he says don't buy him a drink so the Irishman says why shouldn't I buy him a drink and the guy behind the bar says she's a lesbian them and the Irishman says I don't care what her religion is Myra drink so he sends it down a drink and she nods a head and the Irishman is sitting there enjoying his drink and he orders another whiskey and when he drinks the second whisky tells the bartender to bring it down and send it down another drink and when she finishes second drinks she came over and she says I want to thank you for buying her the two drinks he says that's perfectly all right no I don't think you understand I'm a lesbian and he says listen your religion is your business I'd want to buy you a drink she says I guess you don't understand see that girl sitting over there with that fellow there if I had her in my house I would take off her blouse and I would take off her bra and what a time I could have you see that other girl with the long blonde hair if I had her in my room I would take off her skirt I would take off her panties what a time I would have and the Irishman starts to cry he says why are you crying for he says I think I'm a lesbian [Laughter] when a gentleman was out in the desert and he hasn't had any water for days it doesn't know what he's gonna do and he he sees a blue light and he follows the blue light and he's choking he's not something join the door open she's pleased he says just gives you know you're in luck you're in luck we got ties here too so you can happen to chew on easy to understand okay for you you're a great dog giving the three toys for $100 you he says all right what do you want walk out of here follow the white light and you'll get water so he drags is in the sand he gets down respectively crosses just in this house with the white light knocks on the door scratches on the door diamas aces please you know you can't get in here without a tie and the strand goes into the emergency room in the hospital and the nurse comes out and she says can I help you what's the problem he says before I tell you what's wrong with me you must promise that you won't live she said look I'm a nurse 25 years I took the Hippocratic oath I would never ever laugh at a patient's illness what's wrong with you so he drops his pants and she looks down and there's the smallest penis the size of a triple-a battery and she starts laughing hysterically tearsa because she couldn't believe this and finally she Gardens itself up in Jesus I'm sorry please forgive me I shouldn't do this I promised I wouldn't do it so tell me what's wrong with you he says it's swollen [Music] there were three German shepherds at the vets and they each had their own cage and one German Shepherd turned to the next and he said what are you here for he said well you know when my owner came home I got so excited I pittle doll over the floor so she sent me here and they said oh you peddled all over the floor and what are they gonna do to you he said they're gonna put me to sleep oh they're gonna put you to sleep so they said to the second German Shepherd and why are you here he said well the other day the doorbell rang he said and they opened the door he said I got so excited I bet the postman so they sent me here and they said him what are they gonna do to you he said they're gonna put me to sleep oh they're gonna put you to sleep so they said to the third German Shepherd and why are you here he said well the other day my owner was taking a shower and I was in the bathroom he said the towel dropped she bent over to get it and she looked so good I jumped on her back and I started humping her and they said oh and they brought you here he said yes and they said him what are they gonna do to you are they gonna put you to sleep oh he says no they're gonna just trim my nails [Music] you know why Jews have such short necks [Applause] Papo die go to heaven they decease at the same time in an automobile license terrible but they're greeted at the pearly gates by st. Peter they're taken magnificent home it's sprawling 10,000 foot ranch they say who lives here just you live here this is walk machine you can't afford this this is this is heaven there's no such thing as a four-door not afford this is your home you see a golf course who plays on it dishes you'll play on it this is one of the green species there nothing nothing it's heaven this is then when you're finished playing there's a smorgasbord at the club and you can eat all you want you saw a man wait watches this is that doesn't matter in heaven you can't put any weight on this is really he turns to her he sees you you schmuck in your [ __ ] granola we could have been here 15 years ago the first guy has a ranch in Texas and he has a prized bull every year this prized bull it wins another blue-ribbon and one of his friends goes over it says you know Morris you know I can't been a blue-ribbon all the time you gotta get a cow so you can continue and maybe have other blue greatness with the offsprings why don't you get a cow he says you know that's our good idea he looks on the internet and he finds out the best cows in the world are from a town in Russia called Minsk he flies over to Minsk he sees a beautiful cow he has of crated shipped back to Texas he hasn't couldn't buy the spread is stable and he has his friends around it he says all right they're going to see the mating of the bull in the cow let the cow out the cow comes out is grazing around he says all right let the bull go the bull comes out sees the cow charges after a cow ready to mount the cow and account Wiggles off to the left now the bull is getting more frustrating charge of the cow again ready to mount the cow and the cow Wiggles off to the right now he's getting so frustrated steam is coming out of him he charges for the cow mounts the cow ready to insert himself and the cow Wiggles away and one of Morris's friend says mother is this how you got this cows from Minsk he says yeah how did you know he says my wife's from ins so guy goes into a pet store and he says you know I live alone he said and he says I like it that way he says but I sometimes I just missed the sound of a human voice he said would you happen to have a talking parrot and the guy says you know as a matter of fact I just got a parrot in the other day talks to Blue Streak this parrot and he's quite beautiful you'd like to come and look at him so he says hey so I haven't the back room suit goes in the back room and that there's a big parrot cage with a cloth on he takes the cloth authen there's this beautiful parents you know green and red it's got a beautiful yellow beak and everything very bright eyed and parrot says hello and just hello probably want a cracker Polly want a cracker I says this is great how much you want for this parrot he says fifty bucks I'll give you the parrot so he takes the parrot of the cage and everything and the next morning gets up and he goes to the takes the cloth off the parrot cage and he says it says it says to the parent good morning parrot says [ __ ] you he says no no don't don't talk to me that way she just got [ __ ] yourself he says look I I don't like that kind of language in my house the guy says eat [ __ ] he says look if you talk that way any more - any more that way he says he says I'm gonna make you sorry alright says [ __ ] you so he takes the parrot and he puts the parrot in his freezer and he leaves the parrot in the freezer for about a half an hour it opens the freezer and the parrots in there and it's shaking and it's it's beak is blue and it looks terrified and takes the parrot out and he says he says you're gonna behave yourself now Ericka's he says you're not gonna talk that way he says okay I says I have one question this is what he says what did the chicken do as a woman that goes into a drugstore and she says may I have three D batteries he said come this way she said sir if I could come this way I wouldn't need three D batteries so there are three Jewish women sitting at the beach and the first one says I do I have a son you see that condom in him over there mine son got me that condominium that's a son the second one says that's nothing you see that condominium my son got me that condominium he got me a condominium in Paris and he flies me back and forth and [ __ ] them back that's the son and the third one says that's nothing I have a son my son goes every day on Park Avenue he pays $500 a day to talk to a psychiatrist and all he does is talk about me three women are discussing their respective pregnancies and the first woman said I believe I'm gonna have a boy because when my child was conceived my husband was on top second woman said well I believe I'm gonna have a girl because when my child was conceived I was on top and a third woman starts to panic they said what's the matter she says I'm afraid I'm gonna have a puppy hello Yetta Stowe very old lady comes to the doctor she says doctor doctorate Kennish piston he says Bobby vo pista she says often toxic he says in Canoga pitched and speaking of doctors this female benefactor is being shown around the hospital by the doctor and they say look into one of the patient rooms they both to the horror of the female benefactor see this male patient furiously masturbating and the woman says to the doctor oh my god what's going on there and the doctor says Madeline terribly sorry you were exposed to this but this patient has a terrible health condition if he doesn't masturbate at least five times a day his testicles fill up with semen they could rupture and they would be terribly sick and the woman says oh well in that case I guess I understand and they walk and past the next room and there there's another male patient and a female nurse is performing oral sex on them and with that the woman says how can that be justified and the doctor says same condition better health care plan elderly gentleman goes into a barber shop and comes in there's no waiting the barber says come sit down mr. Stein hello how are you doing what's know Stein says what's new next week I'm gonna celebrate my 60th wedding anniversary my goodness mr. Stein how wonderful what's your secret how did you do that he says how did I do it when we were married thirty years I took my wife Sylvia to Jerusalem that's it that's the secret you didn't let me finish he said next week I'm gonna go pick her up the story of this young single successful neurosurgeon who goes out to the Hamptons for the summer and at the Hamptons he goes to one of the places that all young people go to it's called barrister he starts talking to one young lady and they seem to hit it off pretty well until she asks him what do you do for a living he says I'm a neurosurgeon and then she makes some excuse that she has to leave and he meets another young lady and the same thing happened and this goes on in the entire night so during the week he calls a friend of his he says well what was the name of the club he says it was barristers well that's the answer people do not come there to find physicians they're only interested in lawyers next time I advise you to tell them you're in the turn goes back the following weekend goes to barristers meets a young lady and when she asks him what he does he says I'm a trial attorney says oh really and I get along really really well they stay together all night and she invites him back to her place well he comes home they're about ready to get into bed and all of a sudden he starts lad he cracks up and she said did I do something funny I'm just thinking I've only been an attorney for now already I'm gonna screw somebody so these three old Jewish guys were bragging about their their sexual exploits they decided to boast and say who can make their wife moan and scream the most so the first guy says I win hands down he said when I'm in the middle of having intercourse with my wife I use a feather and that and then she screams she screams second guy said I can top that I do it the japanese-style and when in the middle of it I use these marbles and it really works and she screams like crazy the third guy says I don't know what you guys are talking about he says I just jump on do my one to six when I get off I go over to the drapes and wipe myself off and you should hear screams this priest just finished his rousing sermon and it was about family and love and he wheels around and he says to one of the congregants he says and you sir he says what would you like to hear them say as they walk by your casket and he says I'd like to hear them say that I was a hard worker I was a good provider and I took care of my family he says thank you and he points to another congregant he says and you sir he says what would you like to hear them say as they walk past your casket and he says I'd like to hear them say that I was a good father I was a good husband I was a good brother and I contributed to the church he says thank you and he looks at another Congress and he says and you sir he says what would you like to hear them say as they walk past you our casket and he says I would like to hear them say hey I think he's moving two women are standing in front of the old-age home and they're smoking when it starts to drizzle one of them reaches into her purse pulls out a condom cuts off the tip and puts it on the cigarette friend said what are you doing he said starting to drizzle I don't want my cigarette to get wet so a friend said well that sounds great what could I do so she said we'll go to the drugstore tomorrow it'll cost you a dollar go to the counter and ask for a box of condoms so the woman's 89 years old she can barely see she can barely hear but she goes up to the counter and said I want that box that condoms and the diet the counter says you want what I want that box that condoms they said okay what size and she said size my's as long as it fits on a camel [Music] two guys made the street one song seen in a long time where you been this is a lesson we took a trip around the world and this year we're going someplace else since you're gone someplace L we're someplace else it's going to Africa on a safari since Africa you could kill their [ __ ] don't be a schmuck go to Florida he said that word you just used that it's not done not a very nice word please don't use it to me he says but there you'll be trudging through the jungle a cc file come along bite you on the check your head swell up like a balloon he says don't be a schmuck go to Miami Beach he says I asked you in a nice way not to use that word and you used it again please don't use that word to me he says it did half-blind you'll trust rue the jungle a tiger climb up behind you grab you by the show they'll rip your arm off you could drown in your own blood don't be a schmuck check in at the Fontainebleau it's just twice I guess you're like a gentleman not to use that word and again you use it he says ammonia don't use that write to me he says indented drowning in your own blood he's our Balkan strict he'll come along wrap the coils around you crush you freeze you're dead listen to me you'll never get a better wait of advice don't be a schmuck go south he says you're not a gentleman he says I'm walking away from you walks away weeks later sales takes a plane to Africa trudging through the jungle tsetse fly comes along as it bites him on the cheek head swells up like a balloon half blind he staggers along Tiger comes along rips his arm off he falls in a pool of blood and as he's drowning in his own blood a boa constrictor comes along and wraps the coils around him and as the boa constrictor is slowly crushing them to death up above de vocês of flying screaming [Laughter] two old Jewish friends meet on the street max and a baby has a grin on his face and Max's what are you so happy about he says I'll tell you what I'm so happy about down the block I found the brothel and in this brothel if you go in there you pay $50 you ask for Gina gorgeous girl comes out huge breasts she takes your penis Anjan on my penis she puts chocolate ice cream nuts syrup whipped cream and then she eats the whole thing off it's fantastic so his friend says ah I think I'll try that couple days later they meet on the street and the friend is pissed as hell and and he says what's what's wrong with you he says I'll tell you what's wrong with me I went to that brothel that you recommended he says yes so he says I asked for Gina I paid my $50 beautiful girl with big breasts he says yes so she says he takes my penis she puts on it cream cheese a bagel LOX onion tomato yes oh it looks so good I ate it myself there's a man and he's been having trouble with his elbow for a very long time and he's been complaining and complaining but he hates doctors he thinks they're all a bunch of quacks but his wife says to him honey you've got to go to the doctor I can't listen to you complain anymore you've been complaining about this elbow for effort somebody told me about this great Jewish doctor go see him so he finally agrees she goes to the doctor the doctor gives him a very quick examination and he says you have tennis elbow he says tennis elbow I've never played tennis in my life how can I have tennis elbow he says believe me I'm a hundred percent sure you have tennis elbow but we'll run a few more tests so it makes you feel better go home come back tomorrow bring a urine sample we'll take care of it so he leaves and he's thinking okay like I said doctors are all a bunch of quacks how can I have tennis elbow so he goes home and he tells his wife about it next day he's preparing to go back to the doctor and he says I'm gonna get this doctor you watch and see see he takes the urine sample Cup he has his wife pee in it he has his daughter pee in it he has his dog pee in it and finally he ejaculates in - and he shakes it all up and he takes it to the doctor they go and they run the tests he goes into the doctor's office no he's gonna get this guy and he sits down the doctor says first of all your wife has the clap second of all you thought is pregnant third of all your dog has rabies and fourth of all if you don't stop jerking off you'll never get rid of your tennis elbow so this guy goes to prison he's very scared the first day he's sitting at lunch and as when lunch is over he sees someone get up on the table one of the inmates and he says thirty-two and everybody in the whole place laughs and then he says 68 and people are roaring he says the guy next to him what's what's going on and the guy says well you know we've all been here so long we've heard all the jokes so we memorized them so we don't have to retell them we just say the number and people remember it and then they left well this guy thinks it's terrific so he spends the next year memorizing all the jokes finally gets up the nerve to go to go up and he gets up there on the table and he says 55 dead silence and then he picks the Surefire one he says 103 nothing happens so he goes back to a seat and he says to the guys what happened what went wrong the guy says well some people can tell jokes and some people can't stay with us here on BBC four there's another chance to catch up with our regular trip back to 1977 with Top of the Pops coming up in just a moment [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: KillianM2 TV Archive

Views: 894,298

Rating: 4.7717547 out of 5

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Id: NrMIRI9XSQ8

Length: 28min 8sec (1688 seconds)

Published: Fri Apr 05 2019