Old Jews Telling Jokes Reel - Steve Talmud

[Music] 85 year old jewish couple in love but the woman has never experienced the pleasure of an orgasm and so before she dies she really really really wants to experience that so i go to the rabbi and ask the rabbi if he has any ideas what he can what they can do and robert says well i want you to try this while you make love to your wife i want you to have a young strapping man in the room and while you make love to your wife he should wave a towel over a face this will induce an orgasm so they're ecstatic to finally have an answer they run home and they decide to ask the pool boy if he's willing to accommodate them and amazingly he says okay so they quickly run up into the bedroom with three of them and while the old man is making love to his wife the pool boy is waving the towel very gently and after 12-15 minutes nothing's happening the old man's exhausted woman's not having an orgasm and they give up so they go to the rabbi the next day and say rabbi it didn't work do you have any other ideas the rabbi says well there's one other thing i want you should have the poor boy make love to your wife and you should rave the towel so they run home they'll ask the pool boy if he's willing to do them one small additional favor and that amazingly astoundingly he says he's willing to do it so they run up into the bedroom the pool boy gets on top of the woman the old man is waving the towel within 15 seconds she has an explosive orgasm she's curling her toes she's scratching his back she's moaning she's screaming and through the moans and through the screams the old man is yelling at the pool boy he goes you see that's the way you wave a towel sky checks into a hotel room with his family and he gives the clerk his credit card and his id and everything the clerk tells and gives him his room key tells him where to get to it when breakfast is served where the elevator is and thanks him for a stay and before he leaves he leans over to the clerk and he whispers to him i hope the porn in the room is disabled and the clerk looks at him and says it's regular porn you're sick so this guy's standing in the urinal and he notices over his shoulders somebody's kind of hovering so he turns around and he sees the guy standing there the guy's got no arms so he finishes his business he turns to the guy says can i help you and the guy says yeah if you don't mind can you unzip my fly so sure what's he going to do the guy's got no arms so he unzips his fly and of course the next question is do you mind taking my penis out and holding it while i urinate so in for a penny and for a pound he says sure sure sure i'll do it for you so he's standing there he's holding the guy's penis and he notices while he's holding his penis the penis is like got crusty bits all around it in between the crusts pus is oozing out and it's enveloped in this moss this film around the entire penis and it smells putrid he's never smelled anything like it and he can't believe he's in this position he's going to be standing there holding this thing and uh the guy finishes so he shakes his penis off he puts it away zips his fly and he turns him and says listen i hope you don't mind me asking you this i feel really bad but what's the matter with your penis the guy puts his arms in his sleeve and says i don't know but i'm not touching it this guy goes into a deli to order a sandwich and he's looking behind the glass to see what kinds of meats they have and in between all the stacks of meat he sees boxes of salt which seems really odd to him so he looks up and he sees the daily guy and behind the deli guy there's three shelves filled with salt and between him and the deli guy there's boxes of salt all along the the the counter there so he thinks it's kind of weird he's talking to the guy says wow i i've never been in a deli that sold so much salt you must be a great salt salesman and the deli guy goes not me but the guy who sells me salt boy can he sell salt dr frederstein is a world-renowned cardiologist one day he gets phone call in his office the small town he grew up in is going to have a major relaunch and they want him to be the keynote speaker and he of course says yes and he goes to his town and he checks into the hotel and he has a great night goes to the main event and uh there are all these speeches and all these dignitaries and all this media and he finally gets up there to give his keynote address and he puts his papers on the podium and before he begins the papers just all full down they fall down onto the floor and he bends down to pick him up and he turns his butt towards the mic and as he bends over he lets out an enormous fart reverberates throughout the auditorium and he's so embarrassed he just grabs his papers and he runs out of the auditorium promising never go back to a small town again well 20 years later his mother passes away and we checked into the hotel under an assumed name and the clerk says to them oh so glad to have you here have you been here before and he says yeah i've been here before and the clerk says well what was it you know was it recent and the cook says it was like a long time ago i don't remember exactly when the clerk says well i'm just curious like how recent was it like was it before the fimmelstein fart or after the spimelstein fart this old man's in the hospital and he's dying his wife comes to visit him and he says to her he says listen if i don't make it i want you to know underneath my side of the bed is all of our stocks our bonds all the valuables everything i've collected you should be fine i just want to just reassure me you go home check tonight that it's there and you found it and you'll be okay so she goes home and she opens the box and she sees stock certificates and bonds worth more than a million dollars dollars cash and three kernels of corn she's a little bit puzzled by this so when she goes to see him the next day he quickly says there's you found the stocks and bonds and everything she says yeah i found everything thank you so much you've always been a great provider we appreciate it so much but i also found three kernels of corn what what's with the three kernels of corn says well i wasn't always faithful and if you could forgive me every time i was unfaithful i'd take one kernel of corn and put it in the box that was my reminder that i strayed i i hope i hope you can just forgive me for it i'm sorry to have to tell you about this now she thinks about it i've been married for 50 years three strays you know he's dying she says okay i i understand of course i forgive you he says oh thank you and she says well what's with 60 in cash he says well when corn hit 20 a bushel i had to sell so there's a newlywed old jewish couple both on their second marriage they're on their honeymoon in the honeymoon suite and before they get into bed the woman excuses herself she goes to the bathroom she comes out a few seconds later wearing nothing but black panties and her husband turns her and says what's with the black panties she says well my entire body is yours i'm entirely yours but down here i'm still in mourning my husband died so the next night she goes to the bathroom again she comes out with black panthers same excuse my husband died i'm entirely yours but down here i'm still in mourning and the third night she comes out and she notices when she comes out of the bathroom her husband is wearing a black condom she says much what's with the condom and he says i'm getting ready to pay a shiva call happy 60th birthday dad we love you

Channel: Adam Talmud

Views: 45,319

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Id: 62gLQ5XZUv0

Length: 7min 59sec (479 seconds)

Published: Sat Jan 30 2021