Jewish Folks Telling Jokes | Jokes Segment 3

when FS is garnish if you're good-looking when I eat nothing's left over it's Friday morning and a cute little Jewish man mr. Yokum plaster walks into a fancy gourmet delicatessen in Yorkville he walked straight to the counter and he says excuse me miss Ted I would like to buy some LOX and the man behind the counter very condescendingly says I'm sorry we don't have locks we only have smoked salmon okay sorry my mistake I'll take some smoked salmon I'll take some smoked salmon okay and now I noticed next to the smoked salmon you've got some beautiful blintzes I'd like to buy some winces because I'm sorry we don't have blintzes those are crepes oh my mistake I'm sorry okay I'll take a half a dozen crepes and while you're at it I'd like to buy a pound of chopped liver he says I'm sorry we don't have chopped liver we only have pate those pate I'll take a pound and a half of pate and verse said and just one more thing mr. can you please deliver it on Saturday he says I'm sorry sir we don't deliver on Shabbos two Orthodox Jews go to Pincus the tailor and they want to have suits made and they don't just want any suits made they want black suits and not just black suits but the blackest of black suits so Pincus says okay I'll make you the blackest of black suits they come back a few weeks later to pick up their suits and they put them on and they take a look and they go yeah I think they're black okay we're good to go and they leave and as they're walking down the street they suit to see two priests walking towards them and one of them runs up to one of the priests and he holds his arm out it games the priests muttering he says something he goes back to his friend and they keep walking down the street and one priest says to the other what was that all about and the second priest says I don't know he said something I'm not sure what he said it sounded like Latin and the first priest said yeah I thought so too it sounded like Pincus [ __ ] us so there's an elderly gentleman in a hospital bed and a voluptuous beautiful young nurse comes in and she says I'm here to give you a bath and he says to her can you come here for just a second and she comes over and he says it's very important for me to know are my testicles black and she looks at him and she says I'm really just here to give you a bath and just your upper body and your lower leg so let me take care of that she gives him a very thorough bath where she's supposed to she finishes and she figures he's forgotten and she's gonna leave the room so he calls her over he says I need to ask you it's very important to me are my testicles black and she says well I'm really not supposed to do this but I will so she lifts off the blankets she lifts up the appropriate area she checks very thoroughly very carefully lifts up looks around moves from side to side she's convinced puts him all back together puts the bed back together and she says to him I can assure you that your testicles are not black and he calls her over again he says I'm afraid you misunderstood my original request she says what was it and he says are my test results back a young man called the rabbi please may I come in for an appointment I must talk to you the rabbi said fine so the young man arrives sits down but everybody says so Gerald tell me you got a problem says rabbi I'm 32 years old I want to get married I date all sorts of girls tall short fat skinny blond black Jewish non-jewish who wherever I bring it to the house and these are lovely girls my mother doesn't like and I want to please my mother I want her to Shep nachas for me and what can I do rabbi says you got a problem son however here's what you gotta do you've got to go out you got a date as many women as you can try to find a woman that has a lot of attributes your mother has if she walks like her talk sir looks like her does her hair the way find all the body language that she has if that woman you find your mother will love her try it he says I'll try rabbi six months later the rabbi gets a phone call it's me again can I see you so come on in so he sits beside the rabbi's the revver says so tell me how did you make up rabbi I've found the perfect girl she looks like my mother she does her hair like my mother she's got all her movements she cooks like her she talks like her is everything so the rabbi says that's wonderful so what's the matter since my father doesn't like her a plane takes off the pilot comes on the speakerphone and he says listen we'll be flying at an altitude of 35,000 feet it should be no turbulence so sit back and enjoy the rest of the flight and he forgets to turn the speaker off and he says to the copilot sitting right next to him he says boy what I wouldn't give now for a cup of coffee and a [ __ ] and the stewardess at the back of the plane hears this and she runs as fast as she can up the aisle to tell the pilot that he left the speaker on and somebody in the cabin yells out you forgot the coffee Sam turns to Bella in bed and he says honey did you know it's national orgasm day she turns she looks at him and says what a pity right in the middle of national headache so Harry is sitting in the shul he gets there early for Monica he's sitting all by himself the rabbi still in his study nobody's there and he's sitting all of a sudden there's a puff of smoke and the devil appears Satan right in front of him say who looks at him and says Do You Know Who I am he says do you know what I can do to you hmm he says I can make your life a living hell like this says so I hear are you shaking in your boots he says most people shake when I walk in says hello he says why says they're married to your sister for 62 years the first is my late father-in-law favorite joke of all time he would tell this joke and then repeat the punchline three or four times just to show you that it was really funny here it goes two successful businessmen Schwartz and Cohn are in the schvitz of the club they sit on the upper bench swaddled in their cloths Cohn says to Schwartz I hear you had a fire at the factory Schwartz looks right and he looks left and he says to Cohn shames day Wednesday you you

Channel: Jewish Family and Child Service

Views: 104,436

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Id: hDeLtCmNPFU

Length: 10min 47sec (647 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 16 2017