Jackie Mason Look Who's Laughing (London Palladium 1999)

45 if you 275 you can it not know you just stand there wait to pass away and that's it the greatest fear right now is eating anything in the United States nobody everybody's afraid of almost any food that's why you all went to health food stores health food stores now are the most popular thing in America every corner now as a health food store and if you look into the helpful tools you'll notice if you look at the people in the hopefuls they all have one thing in common they'd look sick you ever see in your life a healthy look a poisoner helpful stuff I never saw it I do look to talkin to have it they all look whiskas and pimples that they the homes of [ __ ] they all look like they have an hour left to live too closer look into Jewish delicatessen everybody looks like this the helpful sauce there almost do you ever see what they eat and carrots carrots and they can't seem is it stars a totally three carrots in the rest of me I really got beat sprouts are notes it's a place for horses doctor people alfalfa let's be honest about if it wasn't it wasn't a helpful but anybody at this site every type alpha the worst most disgusting thing left on earth I think is up you ever been a guide to speak you know what I miss alfalfa I've dyed foul falfa I had a miserable day yesterday but I couldn't find out who the hell would eat alfalfa you ever go to a restaurant the main dish alfalfa I never saw them who ever saved it at a Bar Mitzvah wedding did you ever see what do you want alfalfa looking for top nobody wants alfalfa but you have to eat alfalfa there's only one healthy looking poison and a helpful so you know his old salty the owner of the store you know why he's eating a pastrami sandwich [Applause] did you see over here at this country's so mores are a little different the lifestyle is a little different a little more self-conscious about sex and it's more news about sex and is the United States United States everybody fools around the women's to pretend that they don't but they're almost taboo about today trying to but they're not ready to it's not nice what time it's up to you maybe words of mine they still don't fool around on the first date first date that's not nice second date I'll take a chance hey kiss Vince themselves on the first date they hardly know you the second date huh why not now I know you better how much better they are all placed on the second date on the first date that philosophy is the biggest fraud in the world it justifies a guilt complex that women have about sex so they convinced themselves on the second date they know you it's the symbolism of the second date they don't know you better how do you know a person better cuz it's a second date all you know is that the guy made two trips all you know is that he went home may came back she knows you better the taxi driver knows you bet shield although you better you understand this what she convinces herself he came back because he respects me that Ruth respect who comes back to a girl out of respect out of respect to go to a funeral we already made an investment on the first date so he's coming back to collect you understand that at the first date every man should know he's wasting his time you're wasting your time on the first date that's why I'm the first date you know what I say I say hello that's one and I go home [Applause] because we would all the openness that all of the societies the simple fact is that women still are hypocrites about the whole subject of sex they have to pretend they'd have a height of it they never did it because they were raised to think it's not nice the man has raised to think for you it's okay so he's ready and he wants it but not what huh because even if he does with her he's not supposed to let her know what he wants but she's supposed to pretend she don't want it in order to do she wants it not nice if it happened it happened she didn't occur so she has to pretend she never heard of it before she does so you have to pretend you don't wanna turn order to get it well the whole trick is to figure out how to get there without talking so she could do it without hearing she can do it without hearing she'll take a chance did you ever see a guy take a girl to a motel if he says though let's go to a motel would she go I never saw a guy say to a girl let's go to a motel sure my pleasure I never you have to start walking pretend you don't know where you're going don't be assigned 12 bucks longbow town she don't see the sign all the way up the elevator to discussing the Dominican Republic he makes a poof and she has to pretend she has no idea what he wants me there's nothing but a building what else could you do it like best soup unless she has no idea whatsoever a guy turns to girl in any motel room Joey says the same thing me there's nobody else there there he goes as a safety I thought you wanted to talk to what has she got to say that's right 98 54 but so say I never did this before she means with you she never did what you say how about my reputation he heard about it that's why he's dead [Applause] so we ought to be honest with you it's not for everybody do you notice that because there's a lot of people would never even laid enjoy your comedian on any level do you know there's a lot of people if you say to them I want to see a comedian I need Kamini I don't care who he is it's not for me tell em it's not an art form because people are interested in in the artistic affairs world affairs they're interested in hearing things that are more important than theirs they want to feel like they're going to a ballet appalling theorem is an art form or chameleon talking I always give up they don't have to understand the ballet they don't have to join the ballet long as they go to Bali they go I'm not hot Belu most people go to the ballet don't have understand their body but it's another status symbol for very sick people to be able to see you when I'm not making fun of the ballet the ballet is the most beautiful art form in the world and I have the highest respect for any ballet density but they have to achieve as an artist and the sacrifice they have to make the delicacy and the perfection that goes into the development of the most perfect ballet requires such sacrifice such delicacy that there's no art form in the world that is so demanding and so exacting as a ballet let's be honest about there isn't and anybody makes fun of a ballet dancer is a putz and a low-life to me how about making fun of them I'm making fun of the people who brought it about because most of them do not even enjoy the belly they don't even know it's about this like the people go to lay miss so they understand lame is here for the people love lame is the other half went there because everybody else went Alize you're a putz if you don't seem lame is oh I saw them is just saw them is what was it about well I would say it's about three hours that's about all day they air 300 Gentiles screaming for an hour while I show that was what was it about they have no idea some people love it but the people who don't pretend to love it because you suppose the lovely miss if it's a hit and you don't love it you're a putz so they straddled into thinking they enjoyed it that's how people go to ballet they found out that two out of 42,000 people who go to ballet actually enjoy the belly and those two people passed away a month ago nobody most of the people who go to Bali only go for one reason so they can come back from the valley once you come back your culture where were you the ballet the balloon I went to the ballet where were you also the belly the belly the belly then it's also another guy I love the balloon I love the ballet I'd like to know this I'd like to notice if so many people love the ballet how come the whole ballet season is a week and a half every night and I'll come how come every time they have a benefit benefit luncheon with 300 Jewish women get together it's the safe what to save the ballet to save the symphony to save the upper why because nobody goes there so many people went then would you have to save them every weekend I have never see a benefit to save Madonna I never heard of it well if you take anybody out of a major city and give him a job in some cockamamie small town and you come to visit him two years later what's the first thing he tells you that he missed his London no he misses New York why because there's no life without one there's no life why it's not the same let's be honest it's not the same why not there's no ballet master do you actually go to the ballet well it's not that I go at least I know I could go if I wanted to go go to any ballet what do you see to see the same thing at everybody one girl is twirling and 3,000 Jews Slavs but with love with love with love the rest of my getting nauseous how long is she gonna keep toiling already and you know what they can't figure out why she's always on her toes why is she on earth Oh what is it can't they find the taller girl these are the same people who go to the Opera you know goes to the Opera the same people who didn't sleep enough at the ballet they cut this thing to do now some people really enjoy the upright I want to sound dogmatic some people really enjoy the Opera you know who the seventeen-year-old kids from the from the you from the music schools and the top balcony of every opera they really enjoy it they're involved in it I'm not talking about them I'm talking about people in the orchestra not one of them knows what the hell is going on in the upper fish love love everybody has a tuxedo they came from the United Jewish appeal chemistry which laughter which love that's a bedroom for rich Jews that's all I'm surprised I'm surprised David I've chairs if they were around us they would take out the chairs put in beds people I'm surprised people come with suits if they were around us they come with pajamas he came to sleep I don't even blame them for sleeping every opera is the same story you ever notice that is the same story in every opera sooner or later the same thing happens he stabs are in the heart and she starts singing and singing and the more he stabs on the better she sings any place in the world you stab a person they pass away not enough nobody ever passed away that opera she's inked better than ever he stabbed me [Music] [Applause] stab me in the heart in the heart Easter then he sings through ice I start in the heart I stand here in the heart they stir ha ha ha then the whole chorus joins in [Music] [Applause] well ladies adjustment I think we're gonna try that little intermission now I would appreciate if the Gentiles have the decency to let the Jews out face [Applause] I'm not playing I'm not playing any preferences just so happens I choose little more time to get out of the chair Tuesday little more time gentle soul fly right under the chairs like acrobats the Jews might be joking every Jew is gonna get up like this there's something pulling I don't know what's pulley here is something pulley yesterday yesterday I don't know what it is yesterday I was walking perfect but today I don't know I don't know what the hell it isn't when I go like this I don't feel it but what I go like this and they all say the same thing I don't complain I hate a complainer a hater complain complainer because otherwise I'm perfect I fix if these are humming here out of the way I don't know where this humming came from I don't know what they're and I go like this I don't feel it but I go tell the truth you ever see a completely healthy Jew in your life I never saw completely healthy - oh my life Oh Joe could be 12 years old there's something pulling in Gentiles the Gentiles are just the opposite genders are never sick never sick because they're raised with this much of imagery that you're not supposed to admit you're sick you're not supposed to even think of yourself as sick they get fresh into a wall be bleeding to death don't bother me I'm okay I'm okay I'm okay but you're passing away so I you don't live forever Jews are always sick that's why I choose our well experts on doctors why did you ever see you Judith started exploit on doctors I don't know what Jew in the world that doesn't know the biggest act at the biggest but Gentiles a doctor she's assigned doctor close enough a clinic a clinic covers entire brigade where a Jew needs a doctor they consult would it be tactimon there is not one Jew that's not a consultant about doctors and doctors by the time they pick out a doctor they'll all tell you this is the biggest dr. Cruz all these other biggest I never met a Jew that doesn't know the biggest you know how big he is the Lord he is so big they'll all tell you the same thing you can't get it you can't get it that's how you can't get it but you here's you could get in they'll never go to it who's only go to doctors where you can get it you can't get it they can't get it before you know 300 Jews are aligned what are you doing it out you can't get in why are you sick not right now but I'm not gonna wait to the left I always thought you a cage either they always tell you can get it for the same reason it's always the same reason because he's the head of the hospital did you ever enjoy your life that went a doctor was not the head he's not the head they wouldn't even talk to him he's only for Gentiles forget about he is their head a lot like their head not only the head of this hospital is the head of envy used to be the head about Sinai now he's the head of Mount Everest they wanted him to be the head of my brush more he'd find the dog you know how long it takes to see this doctor eight years eight years the minimum the long turn it gives the minimum rhythm that's where the connection without a connection eleven years I love in you the other guy always has to top you what's Olivia's eleven by dr. twenty three years minimum that's where the connection without a connection twenty nine years you think that's a doctor my doctor is so big that nobody has seen him yet [Applause] ladies and gentlemen they're going to have a little intermission right now let's be honest this is too good a show to go straight truth you need a break don't you I need a break and the station needs a break so give them a break and call the number right there on the screen I make a pledge of financial support give us all a break and then I'll be back after the break [Applause] the certain traits are strictly Jewish let's be honest a moment no matter how much you'd like to say that what I would say is to Jewish or not so Jewish or very Jewish the fact is there are certain traits that are strictly Jewish and if people say I generalize too much it's because they're stupid and I say this with the highest respect but you say there's no difference if they want the nomination or another if there was no difference there goes no such thing as a study of comparative culture what do you mean by the whites culture culture by definition as a generality if it wasn't a generality why do you call it comparative cultures why do you study sociology if everybody behaved the same way would you study comparative cultures what is the white culture mean so far you didn't know one thing that is Jews have certain problems their character that comes from a history of persecution and they're also benefits because of it because of it Jews are more charitable Jews are more driven Jews are more accomplished and just make more money because they try harder to overcome a whole history of persecution and because of it they reflect also certain characteristics so that maybe not so perfect I'm not you write about hello they have a certain self-consciousness about their identity and they become paranoid they are but I think you can't even find a Jewish kid with a Jewish name in this country or any country I told you they're proud to be Jewish they're afraid to give a kid a Jewish name you ever notice that so proud to be Jewish how come the Jewish heritage is no software pride of you enough have a Jewish name for your children Italian kids still have Italian names Michelangelo but Lingle oh tango tango Pengo spanish you still have spanish names fool you look for new local area phenomena for therefore funky target function but you can't fight what Jewish kid with a Jewish name anymore every Jewish kid now is Tiffany Schwarz macadamia Ginsberg Ashley Lipschitz they try and talk gentle the Jettas I know a Jewish kid is crucifix Finkelstein the only people are for Jewish names anymore are black people what we go boy you can tell they're self-conscious about the Jewishness you know Uchitel but did you become successful you never hear a Jewish name again every major designer in the world almost everyone happens to be Jewish but when they become a designer Yves saint-laurent rush merchant pétanque all of a sudden they about French name you have to take a team pronounce their own name what's your name forgive the hollow use your billionaire father okay put us their own lives the stances why did he become French I'll tell you why because they don't know Jewish woman in the world would ever buy a dress made by a Jewish designer were they could you picture a Jewish woman saying oh this is my Horowitz if you want to sue my Finkelstein let's copy got that different denominations behave differently they can choose different professions why do you think if a guy told you what he does for a living if you'll always tell if he's a Jew or a Gentile and you'll never be wrong if a guy told he's a farmer can you be Jewish not too often but you might buy a farm sell a farm he does not wait that a fun gay Jew Hollin planet is the horse ready and a behind do you ever see a Jewish stuntman I was in Hollywood for 30 years I sort of make 9000 pictures I never saw a Jewish stuntman tools don't fly from buildings from furniture they don't crash into wall this is for Gaia and that's it it's not the game choose that stunts to where they have different kinds of stunts they take a nine million they show a loss there's a lot of profession booking you ever see a Jewish bugger his Gentile Mogens is black this China every kind of mugger in the world it never saw a Jewish mugger why cause it you can never become a mugger it's not the Jewish character to be a mugger the more gas to say give me your money or I'll kill you wonder did you ever say I'll kill you to somebody but you would have to say listen you don't have to give me all your money we'll give you a few dollars now we'll talk it over I just say it has to be cash maybe you got that maybe you got a credit that check maybe we could go to the bank maybe we could have a pitch a cake let's talk it off you see there are Jewish markers I'm lyin see there are Jewish baggage but they're not called muggers they called lawyers [Applause] let's be honest about it there's certain professions there that features just like there's certain professions that are not Vegeta's first is Gentile accountants but they stink of it even a gentle doesn't want a gem telecom everybody those are counting is for Jewish people it's not for Gentiles hey I don't tell accounts but it's not they feel it's a Jewish business and that's it they might try to be an accountant never works out they never get that they never get the same figured you gets at the end of it accounting is not Vegeta they air up the figures no matter what it is sign the name close enough that's it a Jew looks at the same figures but he thinks you're over there's a wait a second we don't have to pay this who said we have to pay do they find the way under it around it between it before you know it the government thought you were fira this is not the saint of gentiles are not great in certain fields and soybean fields they're great like the rodeo perfect they're great for the rodeo do they have a rodeo here oh you know what a rodeo is you don't know you do that's why you applied for horses there is not one Jew in the world that ever joined the rodeo but it is the most popular profession for Gentiles in the United States because you're in the rodeo it's a status symbol it's like a great price fighter great football player now flip from a horse and they love it they love to sit on the horse that's gonna Troy you're right on the culture of the Jew made it impossible for him to do the same thing there isn't others that's why to this day you don't see a Jewish athlete how often is Jewish at once in 40 years of Jewish odd who's never had time to be athletes he had to overcome discrimination that's why he always went to college Jews went to college where nobody else went to college a hundred years ago when nobody was going to college every Jewish mother told the child you're gone to college and they went there was no colleges yet but they were because the accent was always on education Jews know if you became a doctor they'll be protected nobody's gonna push you to the doctor they do picture an anti-semite saying are you a doctor my foot hurt you Jew bastard that's why Jews never became athletes box pitch was a list recycler remember him sweating months got nauseous in a void for me it's no accident that if you throw and I love football it plays with it you told your football he runs around wants to buy your food it doesn't stop at you from having an exercise room the most popular thing today as soon as a Jew gets rich oh you should see my exercise room I've got an exercise room I just ask do you do exercise I'm busy I'd like to do I'm trying to do I almost it do you do exercise I got that time they could do exercise those rooms if they wanted it because they can't even find the machines clothes are hanging on all the machines this machine is for jackets is what is for suits is what it's good flavor Martha's are hiking are all the machines there's building special machines now just for Jews what Hank is already attached it's like a jeweler soda does that you use a sauna does it you have any use for a sauna but they all have a song oh you should see my sauna it's another closet whatever it didn't fit in the regular swifty then why would you have a son is there any reason for the Jew Spencer's whole life looking for air conditioning that's all they look you spent their whole lives opening doors is it that condition it's not harvester forgettable then they buy a sauna I only saw one Jew in my life in a sauna you know why he was there it was air conditioned I better let you go now because I know you have to get into the cars I look for something to eat at the restaurants to get on the phone in the car hello I'm in the car I'm in the car I meant the car in the car you got the wrong number so out I'm in the car with the car they love to tell you I'm in the car with the car right now I choose our highways all of America going absolutely no way just yelling I'm in the car and they don't even care that he can't hear one way that the car phone could you have anything the whole thing is a hearing test yeah me now you hit me now I'm around the corner you hit me now hello hello I'm polling how about you hear me now if the phone is your house weak that's way you were tried out in the second for six dollars you would sure is right out but for nine thousand I'm in the car did you stay at this not too funny Tara's room the gentle a life easier used only on us to get permission from their wives that's also true that's not an exaggeration that's a fact Jews never left wants to get permission from their wives but gentle things some funny they left I noticed it for 30 years already every time I perform any place I see if a gentle thing some funny they just live the Jew thing some funny they never leave first they always look at her face Disney funny tell the truth is he funny he's not his mom I thought he was I thought he would talk to you it's up to you so happens that I like I don't I thought I did do you ever see you water food in the restaurant does he have a lot of food without asking her face never that every Jew says the same thing do I like this that means you gets up in the morning the same way did I do something wrong yet I don't care if he's the biggest genius in the world to her he's a [ __ ] - mother he can be making 40 million dollars a year you know what you say 40 million that's because he don't listen to me they feel listen you know how much money to be making today it doesn't listen nothing I'm picking on Jewish wives that's not nice to do because I picked on them a lot my voice show on Broadway you probably heard about I made a lot of routines about you wish wives and a lot of resented it because I was picking on them too much let's be honest it's not nice to say because there are really a lot of decent Jewish boys there are where they are [Applause] I'm not saying there's nobody happily married some people have every you know who's happily married I find the girl and her mother that's it every Jewish house would you be 10 minutes after the wedding is already crystal you ever see the wife every Jew I know is gone from one doctor the other day head is spinning this is reaching this is not working the foot is hanging their head the socket she's got the doctors too but for a different reason to move the nose over here the chin to push this up to push the south of push these are wrong every Jewish aunt is rearranging every part of our body but country 72 she looks bothered ahead he's 27 but he looks 98 okay and not picking only on jews let's be honest about it marriage is a failure in general it's a failure all over the world people don't like to face it people don't like to talk about it it's one of those men John mentionable subjects but the truth of the matter is marriage in general is a failure if anything else succeeded as often as marriage who would go into it but anybody invest in a business that succeeds as often as a marriage will you invest a quarter in that business if the chance of success is one out of forty thousand no study of marriage objectively made by anybody a sociologist philosopher psychiatrist I don't care who they are they never come to the conclusion that most of them are we to succeed everybody assumes that most marriages fail why does everybody go into it why why do they go into a failing proposition why does it accept them no idea anyplace else on destroyed to save Robinson brothers again how come you understand this well if everybody open the store 27:15 8th Avenue failed for the last 300 years whatever unit but hey you know a great location for a store 27th street night that nobody would say that but they still get married why because it's a system you considered nuts if you're single if you're married you're normal it could be married and bleeding to death the day passing away every day kill you Johnny's married nice boys single up there's something wrong everybody post is always begging every single person to get married you ever notice that why because then nauseous and they want you to have the same way every time they're seeing a single place they say the same thing what kind of a life have you got you pulled this away what kind of life you alone I'm not alone so what if you're not alone basically it's a lonely life it's not a lonely why because I have sex day or night that's what I mean it's not for you but I'm enjoying myself just because you enjoying yourself that means you're having a good time good you can't tell from enjoyment if you're having a good time it's an empty life but it's not by because there's a different girl every five minutes that's what I mean it's no good now it's good but in the long run you'll know how many people you're gonna be so when I become miserable I'll get married why do I have to get married now to understand this mister the truth of the matter is that they don't have really such a great time because the most important thing in the world is companionship not sex sex without love is better than not it's obvious that there's a lot of problems with marriages all over the world because the greatest cheating or in any place anywhere I know it is a marriage marled people who don't think that their whatever says they would ever cheat in any business anywhere in the world whose morality is the greatest principle in life some are things not enough cheating and marriage why is that 80% right now do you hear about the deterioration of morality in the United States they found out that 80% of the married men cheat nomura the rest of cheating Europe do you know what's going on among women right now among women right now one out of three one out of three savings event ever since I read that whenever I see three girls together I always wonder which is the one just my luck all my life I keep eating the wrong - this is it now I know why every place you go you see two girls together the toit one is in a room somewhere but that's not true of all women it's not true of all women that's a blatant generality that has not exactly true there's among some denominations they don't cheat at all Italian women don't cheat - you people know that they made a study and they found that Italian women almost never cheat you know why because they know they could caught he dead but Jewish wife takes a chance you know what she got nothing to lose this is a Jewish husband catches us he's gonna hit her a Jewish man would never hit he'd call up his mother what should I do what did I do wrong how can I draw out the guy is still here what do you want from me go bigger the budget is a wife GT he can't imagine it you know why when it comes home she looks took offensive offensive okay sheesh lips of Azzurri figures well I after who else is gonna borrow it he doesn't know that that's how she looks in the house for him on the outside in the forest never I know a guy who's cheating but his own wife for 10 years we can cheat all they want because that's all Yeti story and men are stupid enough to believe it because men think they're so sexy it can be a lie but 20 years a wife could tell her husband I'm tired and this schmuck believes it tired she's tired tired he never stops to wonder she's Jewish what is she tired what is she tired from she'd have to get out of bed to take a rest what is she tired so tell you anything map tonight why not the children the children one is 28 and what is 22 but better stupid enough to buy it why mister for the same reason that they were intimidated by their wives all their life especially if he's Jewish the most intimidated to can't even walk around on his own house without figuring out ways allowed to sit go into an Italian home you ever seen a wife straight to Zuri do you ever see what I'm talking to you Italian wife if she's still living she considers it a successful marriage but you can't even drink from a cup because of cost one and a quarter it's not for him it's for the guests anything that costs more than a quarter is not for you it's for the guests he don't even know the guests she threw out his just 20 years ago we don't know what poison enema came to that house and the last ID is and he has to walk around his whole life with a paper cup I say a Jewish man fell in love with a Jewish woman if he had any brains he would let somebody else Maria then you come to the house as a guest you could do whatever you want this was a fantastic show and if it wasn't I'm not gonna concern myself with it because I Know Who I am I say that with the highest respect it doesn't mean I'm not concerned about your opinion but if a person knows who he is it doesn't wait for other people's a validator the greatest size the greatest sign wait wait I'll find my place the greatest side of mental health is that you should know who you are and I wish it upon all of you that you should know who you are just like kind of Who I am this is all no disrespect to other people but you should know who you are hi thank God I Know Who I am took me a long time to find out about you that's why I appreciate because for years I didn't know who I was I'm not ashamed to admit it I had a problem with that but I went to psychiatrist he took a look at me said this is not you I said this is that we don't know is it he said I don't know either I said what do I need you for is it to find out who you I said together we're gonna look for the real you I said if I don't know who I am I'll I know where they look I know if it's me besides if I want to look for me what do I need him I could look myself oh I can take my friends we know where I was won't know where to look besides I said to myself what if I find the real me and I find that he's evil ways than me what am i dated and I make enough for myself I need a partner 10 years I'd be great to look for anybody now I'm doing good why should I look for him he needs help let him book Fehmi he says the site for the real you will have to continue that'll be $100 please sick myself this is not the real me why should I give him the husband ah I look for the real me let him give him the hunter what did I find the real me and you don't think it's 100 oh then I'm stuck my money with the real him I stuck myself for all I know the real me might be going to a different psychiatrist don't think I didn't mean psychiatrist himself I said wouldn't be funny if you're a real me and you are beyond I said I'll tell you what I'll charge you $50 for quality you've been watching look who's laughing with Jackie Mason on ki EXCI television this is your public television station for the north state of California call two four three five four nine three four eight hundred six five five zero zero nine nine and express your support for continuing this type of program join and become a member now [Applause]

Channel: Archy M

Views: 567,159

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Id: u-iXqD8r_Tg

Length: 37min 40sec (2260 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 23 2018