Moms, What Secrets Do You Know About Your Kids? (r/AskReddit)

mum's offered it what do you know about your child that you will never tell to him/her have a daughter in college her first summer back home I went to wash all of her clothes she brought back as a college girl it was at least four modes as I sorted her clothes before washing them out tumbled for buttplugs wrapped in a bag they were huge like huge so I carefully wrapped them back up and slid them back into her things TL DR daughter like sticking huge things in her but I was am a parental figure to my orphaned younger siblings and there's something I'll never tell my sister when she was going through a terrible period as a Grieg addict late teens she still our mom's wallet and all of our mom's credit cards bank accounts had to be canceled and changed our mom was in bad health but had a huge life insurance policy she had got in almost 15 years prior when she was healthier when the accounts were canceled she forgot to change the auto payments for the insurance it was declined and subsequently cancelled she couldn't get another policy anymore she had too many health problems my mom told me about all this in confidence less than two years later round mom died everyone thought she had a life insurance policy to help us but she didn't she left absolutely nothing I'm the only one who knows why it would kill my sister to know her addiction cost us several hundred thousand dollars the recovery for our mom's death was really hard siblings moved in with me etc' and the insurance money could have saved us a long period of financial and emotional struggle knowing something like that could push your sister back into a bad place but it couldn't have always been easier to keep that secret your mother would be so proud of you that when he was 3 he created a suit of body armor out of max at-bats and I have photographic evidence authentic period armor five answered this before but my teenage daughter writes smutty fanfiction on tumblr and has thousands of followers she doesn't know that I know and it's pretty dang good - I'm pretty sure I've mentioned this elsewhere still relevant I was turning my daughter's mattress when I came across a notebook full of female nudes if she must have been putting it together for some time not wanting to embarrass her or violate her trust I finished flipping the mattress and put the notebook back just as I'd found it that was years ago and she still has no idea good these are making me think all the embarrassing stuff my mum must have found all these years those pictures I had below my mattress and below my books on my bookshelf I never though what happened to those once I left home when my daughter was three she bombed my mom in the head with a toy as three-year-olds are prone to do my mom had a blood clotting disease and got a blood clot in her head about a week later and eventually died from it I'm not sure anyone but me has put two and two together and I aim to keep it that way my daughter had no idea what she was doing because she was three she would probably literally kill herself if she found this out since she is a hair bipolar and gets to a really dark place with too much bad news my mom never seemed to put two and two together she had the disease for thirteen years and most people only live six so she felt very blessed my wife would be devastated to know this even though she knows I don't think she connected them she probably doesn't remember my daughter bonking my mom on the head anymore so I'll never tell them and that's okay TL DR my three-year-old accidentally killed grandma because she didn't understand that you can't hit people with toys or that my mom had a blood clotting disease thanks for letting me get this out I've never told anybody this before that she ate cat poop we had a very long-haired cat at a time our IP little buddy apparently some poop got stuck to his fur only to fall out upstairs where the baby was crawling around five years later she is still a normal happy and healthy child sorry sweetheart your kid now has toxoplasmosis and will eventually become a cat slave good going little buddy I kid though even if she did have it it's not proven to be terribly harmful and she wouldn't be alone by far I saw my flip cam was missing from the table I put it on and went to look for it in my 11 year old son's room I checked to see if there was anything recorded and there was he was masturbating to a magazine of mine advertising women's clothing and underwear and commenting about which girl he would like to put his doll in I put the camera back and when he came home I asked him to bring you downstairs if he had it that gave him time to delete the videos and he has no idea I am now hiding my flip cam and ladies clothing magazines he will never know I saw his tiny boner being manipulated to images of plus-sized women you might want to tell him to never ever put things on the Internet that the only reason I taught my kids how to play poker was so that I could learn their tells and know when they're lying to me probably not the answer you are looking for my son is four and he doesn't think I know about the vegetables he puts in his pockets when I'm not looking oh I know all right laundry is fun my three year old is a very affectionate little guy but he's very embarrassed about his being affectionate he thinks I don't know he comes into my room every morning for snuggles and then sneaks out when I wake up I caught my son once pretending to milk himself into a bucket while taking a bath he was only around four years old so I don't think he remembers but he was hovering over a bucket and squeezing his penis I asked him what he was doing and he told me he was pretending his penis was a nutter and he was trying to get milk I said okay honey and slowly closed the door the end I did that to a dog when I was like five my mom laughed and told my grandma who laughed harder I really hope they forgot that I know what their faces look like when they're trying to take a dump in the same moment I also realized my mother knows the same thing about me I went for a walk once with my daughter when she was about a year old it was along a cement paved path that went through this little scenic Park area lots of suburban nature and crap I had brought the stroller along but she was getting a bit antsy so I took her out and Satre on the handle facing me and I held onto her waist and basically used her bun and my forearms to push the stroller as we walks this section of the pavement in front of us just ended up being just covered in crickets I don't know why there were so many I had never known this trail to have crazy amounts of crickets midday well I anxiously start pushing through them with the stroller hoping if I move slowly they'll have time to hop out of the way they mostly hopped away but one hopped right up onto my daughter's face I panicked and in a split second reaction I straight-up smacked her the cricket hopped off her face again before I got to it but she looked at me so stunned and started crying and then I cried because I felt horrible but I couldn't stop laughing because of how stupid the whole thing was got lots of weird looks as I cried laughed the rest of the short walk home she will never know tell her that's hilarious she was conceived because I really wanted an iced cappuccino from Tim Hortons he didn't feel like driving so I made him a deal it actually ended pretty nicely in a field in to require night sky with many many stars out traded physical intimacy for coffee heck I live in Seattle and that crap doesn't even happen here stay-at-home dad here I'm hoping that I never have the need to tell my kids that two out of the three served jail time in utero dude and to partum street cred I'll never tell my dear son that I follow every frickin single comment he makes on reddit and that I'm the one who gives him the goals poor kid will always think that he's a such funny person not my kid but at a family party my cousin who was three or four at the time needed a pee the party was a buffet and when his dad took him to the toilet he discovered that the kid had been secretly threading hula hoop crisps onto his dong not sure how well this translates for non UK people I will never ever tell my daughter that when she was one week old I accidentally threw her across the room onto a wood floor it was about 2:00 a.m. I was breastfeeding her in the living room and a huge spider crawled on my arm and the whole new baby late at night thing made me stupid so my reaction was to use the arm I was holding the baby and to get the spider off my other arm my little girl went flying it was horrible she was fine though completely unharmed just kind of pee off no one tell her you can't just offer your baby to a spider to make it go away my son's grandparents have custody of him in Australia his mother and I were a one-time fling on a beach in North Carolina along with another girl at the same time she went to prison for trafficking large quantities of drugs in Australia which is a major offense over there I think she's serving 25 to life or something one day I was called by the Australian version of child services telling me that I need to come pick up my son I didn't even know that I had a son until then he was seven at the time apparently what had happened was she put my name down on his birth certificate and kept my contact info on a bookmark that hung from her rearview mirror his grandparents came and got him they tell him that his daddy is off fighting in the war and I've only spoken with him twice I have sent over my part of a paternity test a few times to see if he is actually mine or not but his grandparents keep ignoring them I think they are afraid that I will just show up one day and take him away he doesn't really know me and it would be awkward for me to take custody of a 12 year old that I don't even know if he is mine or not I think he's gonna be P when he finds out the truth so I took a leather-bound journal and wrote out all the things about me that I think he should know along with the real story about why aya wasn't around I've included several stories about me and my time in the army my travels and a lot of good advice covering many situations that he may find himself in complete with glossary and index I wrapped up this journal along with my own dog-eared copy of the Ranger handbook with my own notes written in an old set of my dog tags and a way to contact me I sent it to a lawyer office in Australia with instructions to deliver it to him on his 18th birthday I'm looking forward to the reddit post about his delivery when the time comes holy crap I was expecting this to get buried thanks for all the replies reminders gold and support this post really is the TL DR I've made multiple attempts to the grandparents but I'm always ignored I've only gotten through when I've cooled on his birthday and that was just twice I know who my father is but I kinda wish I could have found out by a mystery lawyer turning up with a weathered dusty package full of stamps asking me to sit down hower from a son's pub but my mum and the rest of my family have hidden from me that my older brother is only my half-brother same mum my entire life so far and they think I don't know but I overheard my grandmother talking about it at a family reunion years ago same here there's so much evidence that I can't not know but they still won't tell me if we had not lost the baby before him he could not have been conceived this applies to both children that I know he is suicidal I fear if I let him know that you'll go through with it we'll be too ashamed to speak with me again not a mum but my cousin doesn't know that he is the product of rape my entire extended family knows and as far as I know nearly all of this chasms know aside from his own brother and sister he was always treated special because of it like if babying him will somehow make everything okay he's turned out to be an entitled because of it this story was a rollercoaster oh no that's terrible comma well at least his family made sure to love him oh no he became an butthole years ago we had an awesome cat named chosen one we all love this cat but especially my oldest son who at the time was just beginning to drive he was about 17 or so one day my son was leaving the house to go somewhere and when he left he reached down and gave chosen a little lovin out the door he went unbeknownst to him the cat had followed him out the door and for some reason the cat must have ran under the car nobody actually witnessed this event so as speculating on what exactly happened sir my son drives off and a little while later I go outside only find chosen laying on the driveway curled up in a bull dead we think the kitty ran under the car or was in front of the tire or something and when my son drove away he ran over chosen and killed him we were all pretty upset off-course and when my son came home we told him chosen had been hit by a car in the road and died we've never told him and never will that were pretty sure he was the one that killed the cat he'd blame himself and forever feel guilty about killing his favorite cat my son wasn't planned and I never ever wanted or plan to have kids I felt pregnant accidentally he will never ever ever be told this because my mum repeatedly told me I was an accident as a child and it really flicked with me I like to call my first son a wonderful surprise he really really was - I walked in on my five-year-old stepson with his pants down rubbing the cat against his dong and saying oh that feels good I said that's not what the cat is for he was embarrassed of the cat hasn't been the same since I'm imagining a cat with a thousand-yard stare that cat has seen some crap my daughter is not biologically my husband's she was conceived with donor sperm hubby is sterile I want to tell her because I think it's fair just for medical reasons alone especially now considering she was born with a major heart defect hubby doesn't want to tell her might not ever I don't think it would matter but I would be devastated if it made her think less of my husband she's only been with us a month but he loves her so much it would crush him anyway yet that's our secret for her she should probably know cause of medical history stuff I didn't know some thing about my family and was misdiagnosed twice he has a third nipple it's small but it's a Nepal that seems like something you should probably talk to him about sadly I'm pretty sure my mother has nothing to post here she was awfully open about everything from my stepdads dong size to the inside joke about duck penises her and my biological father had or how she likes it rough or what toys are good for what or how much she really wishes I were gay or how I was conceived because spermicidal jelly isn't very effective or Howard she her crotch is at any given time seriously I wish my mom had at least one thing to post to this thread but if she does it could only be so terrifying it would break my psyche she tells you all this stuff because she doesn't think it's that bad compared to the really deep dark secrets she has I have a favorite I knew I T they do have favorites he was concede after we got lost trying to find a Halloween party at a friend's new place we ended up just going home but as I was already and the French maid costume had made perfect sense to get drunk and forget the birth control I don't imagine we will ever tell him he was conceived inside a French maid costume actually Who am I kidding we will totally bust this story out for his future spouse that there's a chance he was conceived while me and his dad were both tripping on acid have tripped a lot physical intimacy never entered into my mind dad here I know what he's doing with the butter and that's why I buy the store brand for him to make toast at night and leave my good butter alone and there's a reason I bought our own rechargeable batteries because it's nice to have any remote actually worked when you try to use it there's not a calculator in the world that goes through batteries like that not exactly a mom I'm actually a son of a mother but my mom has never told me that she had a baby before me that baby had a female version of my name and died at I think two weeks old she said she named me what she did because of some Norwegian thing but I know it's after my sister my grandma accidentally let it slip when I was like 17 I do wish my mom would tell me though that I found a treasure hunt he had created as a surprise for his girlfriend on their anniversary one of the clues was that she should go to the place where he first flicked her in the butt I should add they were both adults when they first met so whatever they do in their private lives is their business only but I could never unsee that note I will never tell my son that his biological dad tried to kill us and himself when I was six weeks pregnant because he didn't want to be a dad you have been visited by the magical sugar jar Paco he'll only share his sweetener a few comments ergo please mr. papa thanks for watching if you are new to the channel you can subscribe I publish new videos everyday until then check another video or don't either way have a great day you magnificent people [Music]

Channel: On Tap Studios

Views: 12,760

Rating: 4.878788 out of 5

Keywords: #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, sub, reddit cringe, memes, comment awards, dankify, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, chill, story, stories, reddit on tap, reddit parents, reddit parent stories, parents of reddit what do you know, reddit parenting, reddit moms

Id: Q2XEIMhfF1Q

Length: 17min 51sec (1071 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 12 2020