( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Stephen: JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN," EVERYBODY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Jon: YEAH, YEAH! >> Stephen: JON, LOOK WHAT
WE'VE GOT COMING UP HERE. WHO I'M TALKING TO IN JUST A
MINUTE IS I HAVE THE WONDERFUL, TALENTED, EMMY NOMINATED OSCAR
WINNER MELISSA MCCARTHY IS GOING TO BE HERE TONIGHT. EVERYBODY LOVES HER IN A VERY
SPECIAL WAY. SHE'S HERE IN A WAY WE'VE NEVER
INTERVIEWED A GUEST BEFORE. STICK AROUND, YOU WILL WANT TO
SEE THAT. JON, YOU'RE GOING TO THE EMMYS,
RIGHT? >> Jon: YES, I'M GOING OUT
THERE. >> Stephen: I'M GOING TO BE
OUT THERE. DO YOU WANT TO HANG AT ALL? YOU CAN'T BRING A DATE BECAUSE
OF COVID. NOT EVEN ALL THE NOMINEES CAN
GO. EVIE CAN'T COME EVEN THOUGH
SHE'S TECHNICALLY MY CO-HOST. >> Jon: OH, MAN. >> Stephen: SAD STORY. I LIKE TO BRING THE AUDIENCE
DOWN IN THE MIDDLE. THAT'S MY GOAL, JUST TO BUM
EVERYBODY OUT. >> Jon: WE'LL HANG OUT. >> Stephen: WE'LL HANG OUT? >> Jon: YEAH, FOR OLD TIME'S
SAKE. >> Stephen: SOUNDS GOOD. HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN A COUPLE OF
HOURS! >> Jon: RIGHT
>> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW, I SPEND MOST OF MY TIME SOURCING THE DAY'S
FINEST HONG-JOE SILK NEWS STORIES, MOUNTING THEM ON THE
MOST TOPICAL, PREMIUM, POLYHEDRAL BAMBOO JOKE FRAME,
DECORATING IT WITH ARTISANAL ASH INK, INSERTING A HAND-POURED
BEESWAX CANDLE, FILLING IT WITH INTENTION AND SETTING IT ALOFT
ON THE UPDRAFT OF AUDIENCE LAUGHTER IN THE SPECTACULAR
CHINESE LANTERN FESTIVAL THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I GO VISIT MY
BUDDY, BARRACUDA AT THE ABANDONED MALL, DROP A COUPLE
HUNDOS ON SOME WET ROMAN CANDLES, BENT SPARKLERS SMUGGLED
IN FROM THE PHILIPPINES, AND A FLARE GUN STOLEN FROM AN CRASHED
COAST GUARD BOAT, THEN SET IT ALL OFF IN THE DERANGED,
UNREGULATED FIREWORKS ACCIDENT OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
ALWAYS MAKES ME FEEL GOOD. ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAPPY TO
DO THIS. THIS IS HAPPY, ANTIDEPRESSANT. >> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE
A 37-YEAR-OLD ITALIAN PASTRY CHEF, IS BUILDING HIS OWN
VERSION OF MIDDLE-EARTH, TO ABANDON MODERN LIFE AND IS
LIVING AS A HOBBIT. COME ON, MAN -- A 37-YEAR-OLD
BEING THAT OBSESSED WITH TOLKEN? COME ON, MAN -- A 37-YEAR-OLD
BEING THAT OBSESSED WITH TOLKEN? AND
PLAYING DRESS UP TO FEEL A PART OF MIDDLE EARTH IS A LITTLE SAD. THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR IS ONLY
APPROPRIATE FOR A 57-YEAR-OLD MAN. THE CHEF IS NICOLAS GENTILE
SEEN HERE WEARING THE SAME NEW BALANCES FRODO FAMOUSLY WORE IN
THE BATTLE OF MOUNT FOOTLOCKER. AND GENTILE IS COMMITTED. HE BOUGHT A PIECE OF LAND IN THE
COUNTRYSIDE, WHERE HE AND HIS WIFE STARTED BUILDING THEIR
PERSONAL SHIRE. WOW, HE HAS A WIFE. ( LAUGHTER )
♪ HE GOT A WIFE ♪ MEANWHILE, CROCS HAS ANNOUNCED
THEY WILL BE CHANGING THEIR CLOGS' INGREDIENTS TO BE
BIOBASED BY 2022. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: YEAH. YEAH. ( APPLAUSE )
A GREAT MOVE, BECAUSE CURRENTLY, EACH INDIVIDUAL CROC IS WHITTLED
FROM A BLOCK OF POLONIUM 210. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, THERE ARE STILL MAJOR OBSTACLES TO COLONIZING THE RED
PLANET, AMONG THEM BEING THAT MARTIAN SOIL DOESN'T CONTAIN THE
RIGHT STUFF TO MAKE BUILDING MATERIALS. BUT DON'T WORRY, THERE MAY BE A
SOLUTION, BECAUSE SCIENTISTS ARE SUGGESTING WE BUILD A MARS BASE
OUT OF ASTRONAUT BLOOD. I'M GUESSING THOSE SCIENTISTS
ARE NOT ASTRONAUTS. THIS INNOVATIVE IDEA COMES FROM
LEAD RESEARCHER DR. ACULA. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WHY BLOOD? FANS OF DR. ACULA HERE. ( APPLAUSE )
WHY BLOOD, YOU'RE ASKING? WELL, RESEARCHERS SAY THAT IT'S
POSSIBLE TO USE A SPECIAL PROTEIN FOUND IN HUMAN BLOOD AS
AN IN VIVO BINDER TO CREATE A KIND OF MARTIAN SOIL CONCRETE
THAT CAN BE USED TO BUILD, OR 3D PRINT, ENTIRE BUILDINGS. I NOTICE THEY'RE NOT BEING SUPER
SPECIFIC ABOUT HOW THEY'RE GONNA HARVEST ENOUGH ASTRONAUT BLOOD
TO 3-D PRINT ENTIRE BUILDINGS. WELCOME TO YOUR FIRST DAY ON
MARS. HERE'S THE KEY TO YOUR ROOM. BUT FIRST, WHY DONTCHA JUST HOP
ON IN TO THE OL' DISEM-BLOOD-INATOR. AFTERWARDS YOU'LL GET A JUICE
BOX AND A LORNA DOONE. AND IT'S NOT JUST BLOOD. SCIENTISTS EXPLAIN THAT YOU CAN
ALSO WHIP UP MARTIAN CONCRETE WITH: URINE, SWEAT OR EVEN
TEARS. AND IF YOU'RE STRUGGLING TO
COLLECT ENOUGH ASTRONAUT TEARS, TRY TELLING THEM YOU'RE GONNA
MAKE BUILDINGS OUT OF THEIR BLOOD. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE --
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) WHY, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? MEANWHILE... PHILIP MORRIS INTERNATIONAL HAS
TAKEN CONTROL OF AN ASTHMA INHALER MAKER AFTER SECURING
NEARLY 75% OF INHALER-MAKER VECTURA'S SHARES, MAKING IT THE
MAJORITY SHAREHOLDER. THE WORST CONFLICT OF INTEREST
SINCE EPIPEN WAS BOUGHT BY MR. PEANUT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THIS LIFE-SAVING MEDICATION NOW
AVAILABLE HONEY ROASTED. MEANWHILE, CNN HAS DONE A DEEP
DIVE INTO HOW, AND HOW OFTEN, TO WASH TOWELS. ACCORDING TO EXPERTS, BATH
TOWELS SHOULD BE WASHED EVERY THREE TO FIVE USES. OR, FOR YOU COLLEGE STUDENTS,
WHENEVER YOU HEAR THE TOWEL WHISPERING
(WHISPERS) KILL ME. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MELISSA
MCCARTHY. ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
Living his best life!