♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! SAY HELLO TO THE BAND, JON
BATISTE AND "STAY HUMAN"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Jon: WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! >> Steph>> Stephen: JON, I HOLD
HAND THE CARDS FOR TONIGHT'S GUESTS. WE HAVE THE ONE, THE ONLY
TREASURE JEFF DANIELS ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YES, YES. >> Stephen: SECOND GUEST, NEW
TO THE CBS FAMILY, RIGHT? NATE BURLESON WHO IS NOW THE NEW
HOST ON THE NEW CBS MORNING SHOW WHICH IS CALLED -- FORMER N.F.L. STAR BUT NOW ON THE CBS MORNING
SHOW USED TO BE CALLED "CBS THIS MORNING" AND NOW IT'S CALLED
""CBS MORNINGS," BIG CHANGE. ( LAUGHTER )
ONE OF THE REASONS THEY CHANGED IT, IT USED TO BE CALLED "CBS
THIS MORNING," AND PEOPLE WOULD SAY, WELL, I WATCHED THE MORNING
SHOW BECAUSE IT WAS SINGULAR AND THEY WENT WITH MORNINGS BECAUSE
IT'S HAPPENING EVERY DAY. >> Jon: YES, NO DEFINITIVE
END, JUST MORNINGS. >> Stephen: THAT'S THEIR
MOTTO, NO DEFINITIVE END. >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: TO TODAY'S SHOW. JON, I UNDERSTAND SHORTLY BEFORE
THE SHOW BEGAN THIS EVENING WE GOT SOME SAD NEWS ABOUT THE
FOUNDER TO HAVE THE NEWPORT JAZZ FESTIVAL. >> Jon: GEORGE WING PASSED
AWAY THIS MORNING. HE FOUNDED NEWPORT FOLK, NEWPORT
JAZZ, CONSIDERED THE CREATOR OF THE JAZZ FESTIVALS, IN GENERAL
OWE A DEBT TO HIM. HE WAS SOMEONE WHO WAS SO
SPECIAL TO ME. HE BELIEVED ME WHEN I WAS A KID. HE WOULD ENCOURAGE ME. HE WOULD ALWAYS BOOK ME. I LOVED GETTING TO KNOW HIM AND
HEARING THE STORY HE TOLD ABOUT MILES AND ALL OF THE GREATS THAT
HE WOULD MANAGE OR HANG OUT WITH. I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT WE
LOVE YOU, GEORGE. REST IN PEACE. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: THANK YOU, JON. FOLKS, THIS SATURDAY, OF COURSE,
WAS THE 20TH ANNIVERSARY OF 9/11. PRESIDENTS CLINTON, OBAMA, AND
BIDEN APPEARED TOGETHER AT GROUND ZERO, GEORGE W. BUSH
SPOKE IN SHANKSVILLE, PENNSYLVANIA, AND ONE FORMER
PRESIDENT DID COLOR COMMENTARY FOR A PAY-PER-VIEW BOXING MATCH
THAT DID NOT LAST ONE ENTIRE ROUND. WAS IT JIMMY CARTER? NO? WE'LL NEVER KNOW. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) WE ALSO HEARD FROM FORMER NEW
YORK MAYOR RUDY GIULIANI, SEEN HERE TRYING TO READ THE SPECIALS
AT THE MASSAGE PARLOR. ( LAUGHTER )
IN HIS SPEECH, HE FOCUSED ON WHAT'S IMPORTANT FROM THAT DAY:
MAKING FUN OF HOW QUEEN ELIZABETH REACTED TO HIS
HANDLING OF THE TRAGEDY: >> ( IMPERSONATING THE QUEEN )
SHE SAID "YOU DID A WONDERFUL JOB ON SEPTEMBER 11. AND THEREFORE I'M MAKING YOU AN
HONORARY KNIGHT, COMMAND OF THE ROYAL SOMETHING OR OTHER." >> STEPHEN: IF YOU WANT TO SEE
MORE OF RUDY'S QUEEN ELIZABETH, YOU CAN CATCH HIM IN THE
UPCOMING NETFLIX SERIES: "THE CLOWN." ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) BUT THAT'S NOT ALL RUDY HAD TO
SAY ABOUT THE ROYAL FAMILY. >> I KNOW PRINCE ANDREW IS VERY
QUESTIONABLE NOW. I NEVER WENT OUT WITH HIM. EVER. NEVER HAD A DRINK WITH HIM
NEVER WAS WITH A WOMAN OR A YOUNG GIRL WITH HIM. NEVER, EVER, EVER. ONE TIME I MET HIM IN MY OFFICE
AND ONE TIME-- WHEN WE HAD THE PARTY, RIGHT BERNIE? YOU WERE THERE. >> STEPHEN: AGAIN, THIS SPEECH
SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT 9/11, ON 9/11. REMIND ME TO NEVER HAVE RUDY
SPEAK AT MY FUNERAL. ( AS RUDY )
"WE'RE GATHERED HERE TO CELEBRATE A LIFE. BUT BEFORE THAT, I JUST WANT YOU
TO KNOW, I NEVER EVER TOOK A ROAD TRIP WITH THAT HOMICIDAL
DRIFTER. EVER! EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME WE DROVE
TO WISCONSIN. YOU WERE THERE, RIGHT, BERNIE? POINT IS, BERNIE'S MY ALIBI." ( APPLAUSE )
RUDY'S RAMBLING 9/11 SPEECH LED MANY TO SPECULATE THAT HE WAS
DRUNK OUT OF HIS MIND. NICE TO KNOW HE'S CUTTING BACK. OF COURSE, RUDY DIDN'T DIGNIFY
THESE ACCUSATIONS WITH A RESPONSE. HE DIGNIFIED THEM WITH MANY,
SAYING, "YES, I HAD A SCOTCH, BUT I WAS NOT DRUNK." ADDING, "I'M NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I USE THE WORD FUNCTIONING, I
DON'T KNOW WHY I USED THE WORD FUNCTIONING. I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC. I AM 77-YEARS-OLD. I'VE NEVER BEEN TREATED FOR
ALCOHOLISM." YES, THIS IS CLEAR. BUT IF YOU WANT TO DENY YOU'RE
AN ALCOHOLIC, MAYBE DON'T CHOOSE A WORD THAT FAMOUSLY PRECEDES
THE WORD ALCOHOLIC. IT'S LIKE SAYING, "I'M NOT A
MRS. MAISEL. I'M A MARVELOUS. I DON'T KNOW WHY I USE THE WORD
MARVELOUS. I'VE NEVER BEEN TREATED FOR
BEING MRS. MAISEL." RUDY CONTINUED, "I AM NOT A
DRUNK. I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER BEEN
PUBLICLY DRUNK IN MY LIFE." ADDING, "I CAN'T REMEMBER THE
LAST TIME THAT I WAS DRUNK." ( APPLAUSE )
(AS RUDY) "AND I WON'T REMEMBER THIS TIME
EITHER." ( APPLAUSE )
RUDY SOMEHOW CONTINUED, SAYING "I'M PROBABLY ONE OF THE
SHARPEST GUYS YOU'RE EVER GOING TO MEET. AND YOU WANT TO PUT ME IN A
COURT ROOM AND I'LL KICK THE ( BLEEP ) OUT OF ANYBODY." YOU KNOW, HOW A SOBER PERSON
ACTS IN COURT. "I'M THE SMARTEST PERSON IN THIS
TRIAL. YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME? LET'S FIGHT. I LOVE YOU, MAN. ♪ JUST A SMALL TOWN BOY BORN AND
RAISED IN SOUTH DE-(VOMITING) ♪ ( APPLAUSE )
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS." WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JEFF
DANIELS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
