<i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! THAT IS JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN. THERE YOU GO. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
JON, JON, OUR GUEST TONIGHT-- IT'S A REAL HONOR. YOU KNOW WE-- LISTEN, I'M HAPPY
ANYONE WOULD WANT TO COME TALK TO THIS GOOFY GUY ON THIS SHOW,
BUT SOMETIMES WE GET GUESTS WHO TRULY HONOR US WITH THEIR
PRESENCE, AND TODAY JUSTICE STEPHEN BREYER, SITTING SUPREME
COURT JUSTICE, IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT. HE'S GOT A NEW BOOK-- HE'S GOT A
NEW BOOK, TALK ABOUT SOME STUFF. AND I'M GOING TO HIT HIM WITH
SOME HARD QUESTIONS. THE HARDEST WHICH IS, OBVIOUSLY,
IS A HOT DOG A SANDWICH. >> Jon: WOW. >> Stephen: AND I DON'T
BELIEVE I'VE ASKED HIM THAT BEFORE. >> Jon: THAT'S A TOUGH ONE. >> Stephen: I JUST HOPE THAT
ANSWER DOESN'T BREAK DOWN ALONG IDEOLOGICAL LINES, YOU KNOW. BECAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT THE
COURT TO SEEM POLITICAL. >> Jon: RIGHT. >> Stephen: AND THIS WILL TELL
US. >> Jon: I KNOW. >> Stephen: THIS WILL TELL US. THIS IS THE LITMUS TEST RIGHT
HERE. JON, I DON'T KNOW IF YOU KNOW
THIS, BUT THIS AFTERNOON, SHORTLY BEFORE WE CAME IN HERE
TO REHEARSE THE SHOW, WE FOUND OUT THAT COMEDY GREAT NORM
MacDONALD DIED TODAY AFTER A LONG BATTLE WITH CANCER. AND I CAN'T SAY THAT NORM AND I
WERE CLOSE. I WROTE FOR "SATURDAY NIGHT
LIVE" FOR ONE MONTH, FOR THREE SHOWS, A GUEST WRITER. IT'S HARD TO FIND YOUR SPOT OVER
THERE IF YOU'RE JUST IN FOR A SHORT PERIOD OF TIME. AND NORM GOES, "COME SIT WITH
US. COME SIT WITH US." AND I ENDED UP WRITING FOR
"WEEKEND UPDATE" THE WHOLE TIME THERE I WAS. AND HE IS, IN MY OPINION,
GREATEST HOST OF "WEEKEND UPDATE" THEY HAVE HAD. NOT TO TAKE AWAY FROM ANYBODY
ELSE, BUT HE WAS MY CUP OF TEA. I LIKED THAT HE TOLD JOKES, IN
THE NICEST POSSIBLE WAY, DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE IF THE AUDIENCE
LIKED THEM. BUT HE LIKED THE JOKE. THEY WERE SOMETIMES DARK,
SOMETIMES EVEN TOO DARK FOR ME. BUT THEY WERE DARK AND STRANGE
AND HE HAD A WONDERFUL PRESENCE. AND, AGAIN, TOOK ME IN. >> Jon: YEAH. >> Stephen: AND THAT'S ALL I
WANTED TO SAY. AND I WISH I WERE A GOOD ENOUGH
COMEDIAN TO COME UP WITH A JOKE RIGHT NOW ABOUT NORM MacDONALD
HAVING DIED. BUT THE ONLY COMEDIAN I KNOW WHO
COULD GET AWAY WITH A "NORM MacDONALD IS DEAD JOKE," IS
NORM MacDONALD. AND I'M GOING TO MISS THE FACT
THAT THERE'S NOBLEST ON THE PLANET WHO CAN DO THAT. AND THE COMEDY WORLD IS POORER
FOR IT TODAY. SO I HOPE SOMEWHERE UP THERE, OR
WHEREVER... <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
HE'D FIGURE THAT JOKE OUT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME RIGHT OVER THERE, PULLING
TOGETHER THE FINEST, NEWSIEST LIMESTONE, CHISELING IN THE MOST
DELICATE AND TOPICAL OF BAS-RELIEFS, AND THE MOST ORNATE
ARCHES, MAKING SURE THERE'S NARY A BAD SEAT IN THE HOUSE, THEN
ASSEMBLING THE MOST FEARSOME NEWS WARRIORS THE ARENA HAS EVER
SEEN TO CONSTRUCT FOR YOU THE ROMAN COLOSSEUM THAT IS MY
NIGHTLY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I WAKE UP MY
NEIGHBOR AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING, DRAG HIM INTO MY SHED, WHERE
I'VE SET UP A KIDDIE POOL I BOUGHT 20 YEARS AGO AND FILLED
WITH EXPIRED JELL-O AND LUKEWARM BEER, HUFF SOME ACETONE OUT OF A
PRICE CHOPPER BAG, THEN CHALLENGE HIM TO JOIN ME IN THE
OLD MAN WRESTLING LEAGUE OF NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"MEANWHILE!" <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
RIGHT THERE. IT'S GOING TO MAKE ALL THE PAIN
GO AWAY. MEANWHILE, IT'S A GREAT TIME TO
BE IN THE MARKET FOR A USED CAR, BECAUSE "MAD MAX: FURY ROAD'S
ICONIC FLEET OF POST-APOCALYPTIC WAR RIGS ARE UP FOR AUCTION." AND THERE ARE SOME GREAT CHOICES
FOR FAMILIES HERE. SOME OF THEM COME WITH EXTRA
SEATING. RIGHT UP FRONT. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
AND IF ONE OF YOUR KIDS IS IN BAND, THERE'S ALSO PLENTY OF
ROOM FOR BRYSON TO PRACTICE FLAMETHROWER GUITAR. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
MEANWHILE, LAST WEEK, PORTLAND NAMED ITS NEWEST BRIDGE AFTER
ICONIC "SIMPSONS" CHARACTER, NED FLANDERS. <i> ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )</i>
THERE YOU GO. IT IS THE GREATEST
INFRASTRUCTURE HONOR FOR A CARTOON CHARACTER SINCE
ARIZONA'S WILE E. COYOTE TUNNEL. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> MEANWHILE, THE "USA TODAY" IS
ADVISING NON-JEWISH PEOPLE, "DON'T SAY 'HAPPY YOM KIPPUR' ON
THE DAY OF ATONEMENT. OTHER THINGS NOT TO SAY TO JEWS
ON YOM KIPPUR: "MERRY CHRISTMAS," AND "L'SHANA
TOYOTATHON." THE PROPER THING TO SAY IS
"G'MAR CHA-TIMAH TO-VAH," OR "MAY YOU BE SEALED IN THE BOOK
OF LIFE," BECAUSE YOM KIPPUR IS SOLEMN. AS ONE CELEBRANT PUT IT, "THIS
ISN'T A DAY OF RAUCOUSNESS AND PARTYING." THAT'S RIGHT. YOM KIPPUR IS NOT FOR
RAUCOUSNESS AND PARTYING. PURIM IS THE ONE WHERE YOU BREAK
OUT THE BEER YARMULKE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> MEANWHILE, SOMETIMES WE HERE AT
"MEANWHILE" MEDIA SOLUTIONS AND SECOND-HAND GOODS EMPORIUM FIND
SO MANY STORIES ABOUT THE ICE AGE THAT WE HAVE TO COVER IT IN
OUR SPECIAL "MEANWHILE" SUB-SEGMENT:
"PLEISTOCENE-WHILE." <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
PLEISTOCENE-WHILE, A TEAM OF SCIENTISTS AND ENTREPRENEURS
HAVE STARTED A NEW COMPANY TO GENETICALLY RESURRECT THE WOOLLY
MAMMOTH BY EDITING ELEPHANT D.N.A. AND ADDING GENES FOR
MAMMOTH TRAITS LIKE DENSE HAIR AND THICK FAT-- A PROCESS KNOWN
TO HUMANS AS "QUARANTINING." <i> ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE )</i> BUT--
BUT THE COMPANY IS ALREADY FACING ETHICAL ISSUES, WITH SOME
ASKING, IS IT HUMANE TO PRODUCE AN ANIMAL WHOSE BIOLOGY WE KNOW
SO LITTLE ABOUT? YES, SCIENCE. THE LAST TIME WE TRIED TO MESS
WITH THE NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS WE WENT TOO FAR AND ENDED UP
WITH APPLE PIE OREOS. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
THEY MAKE THE ANGELS CRY. <i> ( APPLAUSE )</i>
PLEISTOCENE-WHILE, SCIENTISTS HAVE LOCATED THE
LIKELY ORIGIN FOR THE DINOSAUR-KILLING ASTEROID. IS IT SPACE? BECAUSE I THINK IT'S SPACE. <i> ( LAUGHTER )</i>
OKAY. DID I WIN SCIENCE? NOW, I'M GOING TO PAUSE HERE FOR
A SECOND, BECAUSE THAT SOUND YOU'RE HEARING IS A BUNCH OF
DORKS POINTING OUT THAT THE ASTEROID THAT KILLED THE
DINOSAURS WAS IN THE CRETACEOUS, MORE THAN 60 MILLION YEARS
BEFORE THE PLEISTOCENE EPOCH BEGAN AND, THEREFORE, THIS STORY
HAS NO PLACE IN PLEISTOCENE-WHILE, AND THEY ARE
CORRECT. WHICH--<i>
( APPLAUSE )</i> IN ALL FAIRNESS, THEY ARE
CORRECT. WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY
PLEISTOCENE-WHILE SUBSEGMENT, "SUCK MY ASS-WHILE. "SUCK MY ASS-WHILE. "SUCK MY ASS-WHILE.
