( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK. FOLKS, I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK
HERE IN THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER WHERE I CAN HAVE IN-PERSON
GUESTS AGAIN. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
BUT THERE ARE STILL TIMES WHEN SOMEONE I REALLY WANT TO TALK
WITH ISN'T ABLE TO BE HERE IN NEW YORK, WHICH WAS THE CASE
WITH TONIGHT'S GUEST, MELISSA MCCARTHY. FORTUNATELY, "THE LATE SHOW" HAS
BEEN DEVELOPING A REVOLUTIONARY NEW TECHNOLOGY THAT ALLOWS ME
AND A GUEST TO TRANSPORT OURSELVES TO THE ASTRAL PLANE SO
THAT WE CAN BE IN THE SAME LOCATION AT THE SAME TIME. IT WORKS LIKE THIS: A
HIGH-INTENSITY RAY OF LIGHT, TEARS OUR BODIES APART AT THE
CELLULAR LEVEL, THEN BEAMS US INTO A VIRTUAL ENVIRONMENT WHERE
WE ARE GRAFTED BACK TOGETHER ATOM-BY-ATOM. IT'S PRETTY COOL. BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO HAVE REALLY
GOOD WI-FI. IT'S STILL IN IT'S TRIAL PHASE,
BUT MELISSA HAS AGREED TO TEST IT OUT WITH ME TONIGHT, SO HERE
WE GO: SHE IS A TWO-TIME EMMY-WINNER AND ACADEMY AWARD
NOMINEE YOU KNOW FROM "GILMORE GIRLS," "BRIDESMAIDS," AND "CAN
YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?" HER NEW FILM IS CALLED
"THE STARLING." >> I THOUGHT MAYBE WE COULD GO
UP TO THE LAKE AGAIN WHEN YOU GET HOME, YOU KNOW, FOR THE
FOURTH. >> SURE. THAT'S FUN, RIGHT? YEAH, IT WILL BE JUST LIKE IT
WAS, LIKE IT NEVER HAPPENED. >> I DIDN'T SAY THAT. NOY. BUT THAT IS WHY I'M HERE, ISN'T
IT? I'M JUST SUPPOSED TO GO BACK TO
BEING MY GOOD OLD SELF SO WE CAN GO ON WITH OUR LIVES. >> IT'S JUST GOING TO TAKE TIME. YOU THINK TIME WILL MAKE US
OKAY? >> I'M NOT SAYING THAT. I'M JUST SAYING WE CAN'T STAY
HERE LIKE THIS. THIS IS NOT GOOD. >> I KNOW, BUT I DON'T KNOW HOW
I FIT ANYMORE. >> Stephen: JIM, TRANSFER ME
TO MELISSA McCARTHY. ( SPACE SOUNDS )
>> Stephen: GOOD LORD. WHERE'S MELISSA? ( STRANGE SOUNDS )
( MELISSA GROANING ) >> THAT WAS ODD. >> Stephen: BLISSA, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR BEING WITH ME TODAY. >> THANKS FOR BRINGING ME IN. >> Stephen: LOVELY TO SEE YOU
AGAIN. >> YOU, TOO. OH, YES! >> Stephen: DOWN, DOWN, DOWN. OH, AAAHHH! YES! >> Stephen: THERE YOU GO. O GOOD TO SEE YOU, TOO. >> Stephen: GOOD TO SEE YA. WELL, MELISSA, LET'S MAKE THIS A
LITTLE MORE COMFORTABLE. THAT'S NICE. THAT'S LOVELY. >> WOW. >> Stephen: THAT'S LOVELY. THAT IS CALMING. >> Stephen: YOU'RE ALWAYS SO
LOVELY TO TALK TO, YOU KNOW, PARTLY BECAUSE YOU'RE YOU AND
YOU'RE WONDERFUL, BUT YOU'VE GOT THE NICE DLAN, YOU'RE FROM
THE -- THE NICE DNA, YOU'RE FROM THE MIDWEST. >> I GREW UP ON A CORN AND
SOYBEAN FARM. >> Stephen: YOU ALSO SPENT
TIME IN CHICAGO. >> ONCE I HIT HIGH SCHOOL, TO MY
DAD'S HORROR, HE WAS, LIKE, I MOVED YOU OUT TO A REMOTE FARM
TO KEEP YOU OUT OF CHICAGO, BECAUSE HE GREW UP ON THE SOUTH
SIDE, AND HE GOES, IT'S A MOTH TO A FLAME! BECAUSE I WENT -- I STARTED --
>> WHAT DID HE SAY? LIKE, MOTH TO A FLAME! I CAN'T KEEP YOU OUT OF THE
CITY! I SAID WHAT AM I GOING TO DO IN
PLAINFIELD? SO WE WOULD GO DOWNTOWN AND I
STARTED DRESSING GOTHIC. THERE WAS MEDUSA'S, WHICH IS A
BAR WE WENT TO EVERY WEEKEND. >> I WENT THERE. DID YOU DANCE ON THE
SCAFFOLDING? >> Stephen: NO, BUT I WENT TO
GAY DISCO NIGHT AT BERLINS. EVERYBODY WHO WENT THERE WENT
THERE ON THAT NIGHT BECAUSE IT WAS A FUN NIGHT. THE GAY PEOPLE HAD TO FIND
OUTNIGHT. >> BERLIN MAY BE MY FAVORITE
BAR. I DON'T REMEMBER HOW IT
HAPPENED. THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN A FEW
DRINKS INVOLVED, BUT I DO REMEMBER I WAS ON THIS PEDESTAL
DANCING AND TWO DRAG QUEENS TOOK OFF ONE OF MY LAYERS, I WAS
STILL DRESSED, BUT THEY PUT ON KIND OF A SUNDRESS AND REDRESSED
ME. AD I WAS, LIKE, THIS IS IT. NOW I'M LIVING. >> Stephen: HOW OLD WERE YOU
WHEN THIS WAS HAPPENING? >> 1/6, 17. >> Stephen: SO YOU HAD TO HAVE
A FAKE I.D. ( LAUGHTER )
WHERE DID YOU GET YOURS? >> MY SISTER WAS GOING TO GET A
FAKE I.D. AND BEING THE LOVING SISTER I SAID IF YOU DON'T TAKE
ME WITH YOU I'LL TELL MOM AND DAD. >> Stephen: THAT'S WHAT
YOUNGER SISTERS DO IS SNITCH. WHO WAS THE VENDOR? >> I'M PRETTY SURE WE WENT TO
UOI CIRCLE CAMPUS, WHICH IS IN CHICAGO, THE ONE IN CHAMPAGNE,
AND WE WENT INTO SOME WEIRD LIKE DORM ROOM AND THIS GUY HAD MADE
A HUGE SCALE THING OF AN ILLINOIS DRIVER'S LICENSE, AND
THEN YOU JUST STOOD BEHIND IT. SO THAT YOUR NAME AND EVERYTHING
WAS HUGE, BUT WHEN HE TOOK THE PICTURE AND SHRUNK IT DOWN, IT
LOOKED REALLY GOOD. IT WAS NOT ILLINOIS, IT WAS
OHIO, TO THROW PEOPLE OFF. >> Stephen: NO WAY A COP IN
ILLINOIS WOULD EVER RECOGNIZE AN OHIO DRIVERS LICENSE. >> OHIO'S WAS BIGGER OR SMALLER
THAN AN AVERAGE DRIVER'S LICENSE AND THEY DIDN'T MAKE ATE RIGHT
SIZE, SO THEY SET UP A WHOLE RACKET TO COUNTERFEIT THINGS AND
NOBODY WAS, WHAT ARE THE OVERALL DIMENSIONS? NOBODY BOTHERED. THE FIRST TIME I WENT TO AN OHIO
BAR, THE GUY WAS, LIKE, ARE YOU KIDDING? I SAID, YEAH, IT'S NOT REALLY MY
SIZE. HE SAID WHAT'S YOUR SIGN? I SAID, I'M NOT INTO SIGNS. AND HE SAID GET OUT OF HERE
BEFORE I CALL THE COPS. I SAID, CAN I HAVE THE CARD
BACK? HE SAID NO. I WENT OUT THE ALLEY AND CRAWLED
OVER THE FENCE TO THE BEER GARDEN. >> Stephen: YOU HAD A GOTH
FACE? >> YEAH, FROM 16 OR 17 TO 19. >> Stephen: BUT YOU SEEM SO
CLEARLY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD A GOTH PHASE. >> IF I KEPT MY MOUTH SHUT I
WOULD LOOK VERY MENACING. I LOOKED LIKE I WAS GOING TO
MURDER SOMEBODY AND THE SECOND THIS STARTED WORKING, I LOST ALL
CREDIBILITY. >> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
QUICK BREAK, BUT STICK AROUND. BACK WITH MORE MELISSA
MCCARTHY. ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
