Josh Johnson: “My Boy’s Grandma Got a Crush on Me...” - Super Compilation

I'm going to tell you guys something cuz we're family okay I'm tell you something I'll tell a lot of people I don't I even feel black some days I feel like an alien that snatched a black bite and didn't do any research at all didn't do anything didn't read a book didn't watch a movie don't know what boys in the hood is but loves trains just wanted to be good at sports ever since I was little be really good at sports impress my friends and stuff but I I'm such a theater nerd that one time I was talking about football and forgot to wore a quarterback and I saw him and I panicked I saw him and I was like oh he he he plays the lead he's not one the under stays on the bench he's a star he's the best one I only played football once I was 10 years old little Le made me a lineman that's the right response cuz now it's my job to protect the main character this is even the part that I aition for all right I would have Lov the role of Team manage or something backstage but of course the kid across from me is the black dude from The Green Mile so he's the biggest person I've ever seen in my entire life and they blow the whistle and he hit me so hard that there was divot in the ground where my shoulder went in I got up I a tell anybody that quit I just start walking off stage I started walking up I was done took off my football costume cuz that's what I called it I was done I was going to play more but then the director runs up and gives me a speech about being a quitter I was like obviously sir you didn't see what just happened okay I might be 10 on my right side for the rest of my life and then they make this big kid come up and apologize to me which you shouldn't have to do you know it's not his fault I should be all playing Pokemon or Yu-Gi-Oh or something but he walked up to me towering over me blocking out the sun leaning over me and was like I'm sorry it's like that's interesting that's interesting 1 2 3 4 5 we're all 10 here sir why are you 32 okay I didn't even make it to intermission there was no way I was getting through four acts of that game I was done I moved on to basketball which was a different mistake I thought needing height to play basketball was a suggestion it's not I was walking home one day and these kids on the public court asked me if I want to play a game of pickup with him and I don't know you know I ran home and ran back real fast cuz I don't know you play pick up with a bunch of strangers but it's a lot like having friends I was very excited so I ran home and ran back some shorts that were far tooo short I was out there I was out there looking like a dad just like you're not getting past me buddy you no no no no it's one of the worst mistakes in my life this kid LeBron James Michael Jordan jumped over me and dumped I'm guarding him and he just flew away which should be against the rules if he's allowed to fly I should at least get a knife to cut an Achilles or something like you you're not going to fly over me twice sir this dude jumped over me and dunked the ball so hard that he cracked the glass on the backboard the ball hit me on top of my head I hit the ground he hung there for a second and then landed straddling me got his face this close to mine and was like ooh he dunked on me so hard that that night I dreamed he was my dad like I I've been visiting more people now now that things are opening up and stuff and I went to visit one of my friends who I haven't seen since before any of the pandemic you know I haven't seen him in a whole year and he lives with his mom his dad his grandma and his cousin and it was so good to see all of them hang out a little bit catch up and stuff but while I was there I not sure how to while I was basically my boy's grandma got a crush on me and I don't know what to do about it and I heard a couple AES this is not a hallm mark Crush all right this woman has carnal intentions towards my body okay she's not messing around okay I was I was I was hagged out there and first of all she wait till everybody leave the room to hit on me that's how you know she a predator okay she wait till she can make it he said she said right so then everybody left the room for a different reason she got right right up on me just in my face all over me and I tried to let her down easy I try to make it scientific about the pandemic you know I was like ma'am ma'am we should social distance because you know right now I'm not vaccinated you're not vaccinated okay and you're in a high-risk demographic I would hate for something to happen to you all right that's what I said and then she went oh sweetie I'm high risk and high [Applause] reward so I just stuck to my buddy Like Glue anywhere he went is where I went in the house just I was I was right behind him everywhere he went I just didn't want to be left alone with her again because that means she's aggressive okay and I'm not gonna lie she old but I think she faking it uh cuz she's old but she's fast cuz we would leave the room and she wouldn't be in the room with us at all and I would turn around she'd just be right behind me like are you running how are you doing this but she was behind me and she pinched my butt and pinching butts is that old lady sexual harassment that nobody cares about you know even if I tell people like she got me all right they're like well she's 8 5 you should have been faster okay honestly just move but she did she pinched my butt and then whispered in my ear you firm like my mattress it's like oh my God oh my God I am going to leave and so I left and I don't know how but she got my number I think she got out of my buddy's phone when he wasn't paying ATT Tetra and she has been sending me non-stop thirst traps okay but they're granny thirst traps so it's just pictures of food that she cook but still still there is in your window involved you know she sent me a picture of a cobbler and then text me under it I can break you off some if you want to come all through I was like I am going to throw my phone in the river I hate this way more than I I love my phone there's a new face app a new thing to do with your face in your phone I'm not going to lie I think that is for white people it shows you what you're going to look like 30 years from now black people know it's the same I'm 45 I developed a lot of pet peeves in the pandemic you know a lot of things that didn't bother me before that definitely bother me now really upset me like um I'm done with horoscopes you can read yours but don't read me mind okay I say I'm done because they're too teric for me you know you'll find love in love's place when Love's ready to do Love's thing you think wow you basically just said something's going to happen eventually that's your prediction I would just rather a horoscope with less words that would make me happier I would rather open up a newspaper go down to where it says Pisces and it just says don't I'm sure I was going to do something dumb that day [Applause] the other reason I'm done with them is because you know everybody here was born everybody here's got a sign whether you believe in it or not everyone has one right how did everybody's horoscope miss a global pandemic it was coming whether you were like a Leo or a Libra or like the scales or the the the dolphin and the the dog whatever it is it was coming no matter what so I still have people who have the nerve to read me by horoscope like it says something very special is on the way for you really it couldn't have said mask up March 15th that would have still been mysterious I don't know if you can tell by looking at me but uh I was fired from being in a gang they kicked me out because I was was too positive they were like why you always smiling dog I'm like I mean none of us are dead or in jail and we're a gang they also kick me out because I apologize too much our driveby sounded like sorry like that's after a while I saw their point you know and even when it came down to it and and they were kicking me out and I was like I want I I just want to hang out with my friends and you guys are my friends and now I don't know what I'm going to do uh what why do I have to leave and they were like bro you giggle last year was tough because I also lost people you know we all did to a certain degree we lost people and some of the people that I lost like I I had a friend who passed away and he passed away during the height of infection so we couldn't gather we couldn't go all be together and mourn him properly and so we uh we had to have a zoom funeral I don't know if you've been to a zoom meeting but uh this had all the awkwardness of a zoom meeting but added as a funeral it was terrible cuz at least at a funeral at a real funeral right we're all facing the body we're all collectively facing the same direction looking at the body and on Zoom we are all facing each other and I'm not going to lie not everybody looks upset enough for me okay there's some people whose screens are blue I'm like you playing cyber punk I could already tell why are you blue and nobody else is blue there was one dude that was just eating chips like how you going to let him eat the chips he's just eating chips and then take it cuz then he making noise eat the chips completely unmuted it's just preacher Pringles preacher Pringles preacher Pringles I know you at your house but this is a funeral oh was horrible people didn't know they weren't muted there was one dude that was like it's a funeral no it's a funeral Willie died I told you Willie died look at he on the screen right here come look come look they got them all messed up though they messed up that last hair cuz I wouldn't let him bury me like that that's terrible oh my God I'm not muted I'm not muted preacher got on there and here's the thing there was at least one family member that was allowed to be at the funeral home with the preacher with the body and everything and they said that he preached a a really uplifting sermon you know especially if you you know grew up Christian or something he used all the all the things we've all heard before you know he got up there acted like it was a full church house even though it was just a webcam and one person and he was like see see see see see Willie Willie Willie may be dead we already know that we know Willie dead okay but his body is dead his soul his soul his soul is up there with the Redeemer all right his soul is with the one that ascended all right it's with the one that ascended uh Willie out there doing doing Moon Walking With Jesus right now don't mourn for Willie all right Willie having a good time up in the clouds No Pain No suffering okay Willie in a better place now Willie may be dead all right but he is not gone all right sure but his connection had a lag so all we heard on our end was will it ass dead gone I'm like that that about sums it up but that's pretty rude I do know what one of my problems is I lived alone too long you know I think everybody should live alone and be single for at least a year you know get to know yourself right right get to figure yourself out cuz maybe it's you you know you get to live alone get to be single get to figure out what's going on in here but if you do it too long you just evolve into a monster just have a downward spiral the first few months of living alone that you live alone are the most liberating months of your entire life and the next months of living alone you live alone are the most depressing months of your entire life I had the weekend off the first month I ever lived alone I was like ooh looks like somebody's going to be naked for the next 3 days I got to wear clothes for nobody I'm be naked over here naked over here it's going to be great at that same weekend off 6 months later I was like what's the point of clothes now I knew I was depressing my friends I started getting gifts that were purely just to keep me alive I just started getting puzzles left and right my one friend he gave me a cake which would normally be nice but he gave me too much cake he gave me 78 of a huge huge chocolate birthday cake and I think in his head he was like this keep alive at least a week and then I've done my part I can't I can't babysit you know but living alone being single that's too much freedom I need a girlfriend or a roommate now just to shame me back to reality you can do what whatever you want I can do whatever I want no consequences anytime I want I got in the shower with an umbrella to see how it would feel you looking at me like you don't know I'm talking about I got naked all right got in the shower turned the water and lifted the umbrella like it does feel like rain will someone call today oh it's just like being outside except I control the weather I just want people to be happy I feel like we can be happy if we get out of our own way like I I I have friends who are dating trying to date in New York and stuff and especially my female friends will talk to me about their troubles trying to date in like Metropolitan City trying to Da in the age of the apps and everything and I even had one friend she came to me with this list and it was the list of everything that she wanted in a guy you know and I told her honestly cuz I care about her I need you to take that list and throw it in the trash all right burn it if you have to if that will help you forget the [Applause] memory I'll tell you right now there's only three things there's only three attributes that you could hope for in a guy that you're going to make a partner there's only only three you need to pick two okay you need to pick two of those three whichever two you can live with and move on cuz you're not going to get all three I hate it for you but it's not going to happen I'll go over them right now there's good dick good person got his [ __ ] together you need to pick two of those [Applause] three whichever two work for you and move on and if he has one leave don't let a one ruin your life just one I honestly I have friends complain to me about their ones and I'm falling asleep listening to the story cuz it's just boring it's like H well you told me you had one to begin with so what are we really talking about if he's just a good person doesn't have good dick doesn't have a [ __ ] together just a good person that's a friend like that's [Applause] y'all can hang out on the weekends go to museums I don't know why you trying to force more you know if he's just good dick just good dick not a good person don't have a [ __ ] together just good dick that's literally a dildo that's what a dildo is for why are you stress up make a mold of his dick in his sleep and leave nobody puts their vibrator back in the drawer like even got my birthday like that's it's not going to happen if you're treated like what it's for cuz you're not going to get all three and I hate it for you I really do sincerely and every time I have this conversation with with my friends sometimes they they get upset not every time sometimes they do get upset and they're like no no he has all three no no he has all three I know it I feel it I feel it here and here and here no he has all three if you really think he has all three he's going to kill you all right that is a murderer putting on a facade okay I'm sure all 33 women thought Ted Bundy had all three you know like no it's Ted it's just nice you know it's just nice to meet a guy that like has his [ __ ] together as a lawyer and everything and like knows how to knows his way around the bedroom knows how to listen why are you look at me like that a like that's how it went every time you know you want to know what bothers me what really upsets me what even scares me a little bit I don't know which two I [Applause] am cuz I don't get to decide you know that's another person's decision about me I'm scared I'm going to be laying back with my girl years from now right years from now just laying back we're talking about this and I lean over to her and I'm like I'm I'm good dick and a good person right and she's like you have a great job all right trying to be a good person I feel like the person that you are in you know a split-second decision that's who you really are you know when you don't get to weigh the options or worry about what people might think you know that snap decision that's you in here I'll give you an example I was walking down the street in New York this dude was walking down the opposite side of the street from me just texting and walking in his own little world just like texting and walking and then he walked out into the street but he didn't have the light and cars are coming right at him and he has no idea cuz he's still just texting and walking just in his own little world just texting and walking and then without thinking I saw a car that was like coming right at him and and I just ran for him as fast and as hard as I could and tackled him out of the way of a car and ended up saving his life and and not 8 hours later I grabbed an old lady by the face so I didn't fall down the same person did both those things in the same day all right not a full eight hours later okay not a full shift of Denny's later I'm walking and I slip on a grape cuz I'm a child and as I'm falling I reach for anything to keep my balance okay I'm not looking but I know it's a face all right I knew it was a face immediately my finger went in her mouth okay I fish hooked an old lady so I didn't fall down and why should I I'm a hero when I was trying to take a break from my phone you know what I really missed my phone I did it was like it I it hurt it it was weird it's hard to even explain you know and it's when it's when it occurred to me that no one one will ever love anyone as much as you love your phone I know it sounds sad to say but it's true it is know I've had conversations with people deep Long conversations where I was like Wow right now in this moment I think I'm making a friend for life I've opened up to this person more than I've opened up to anyone in years and eventually they do just pull out their phone and start like checking some and that's supposed to be rude but it's not rude the phone is better it is you can do anything you want on the phone and I'm just yapping about my parents' divorce they pull out the phone like this is way better than what was happening 2 seconds ago oh my god oh he's still going he is a mess I Dro my phone sometimes I don't know if anyone else here does but think about the noise you make when you almost drop your phone the true heartbreaking noises that you make it hadn't even hit the ground get you're like that was just it slipping through one finger it's still it's still in your hand but and you mean it it's coming from deep in here it's coming from the heart you couldn't mean it more it's biological in you to make that noise when you're dropping your baby now think of the noises we make when we see actual car accidents oh that's messed up I hope everybody okay that looks terrible you see how those should be reversed cuz truly I drop my phone and I go through all five stages of grief I really do you know I drop it it hits the ground deny that's that's just that's that's not a crack that's just a hair all right that's just a hair and as soon as I wipe it I'm going to be Gucci okay my phone is fine I did not just mess up my phone just now I'm good I'm good anger [ __ ] I can't believe I just dropped this phone right outside the Apple Store I am standing I bought it 6 seconds ago cashier still look at me in the face he waving at me and I didn't drop this phone through the brittle fingers bargaining that's just the case that's the C that's the case whole job is to be like the Secret Service of the phone and take the hits for the phone so that's what it just like a little soldier it took that hit it cracked my phone is fine though depression my ex was right I don't handle responsibility well at all and that's why she left and honestly I think she made the right move acceptance you know what I just don't deserve nice things okay I don't know where I get off getting I should have got noia like I deserve so I'm going to start off by saying I get broken up with a lot all right usually by text message and just so you know if you do that you're bogus all right most recent time I got broken up with in a text message I had terrible food poisoning all right so I was at home on the toilet dealing with my food poisoning okay so I'm sitting there on the toilet and my ankle buzzed my ankle Buzz her cuz that's where my phone is went in my pocket and my pants are down all right so my ankle was shaking so I had to answer my ankle I don't want you to be confused going forward okay and so I I went in my ankle I answered it flipped over my phone cuz that little barage degree turned out out real well so I flipped over my phone read the text message and it said I don't love you I don't think I ever loved you I don't think I could ever love you it's over now I feel like I've lost everything cuz now only do I have terrible diarrhea but a complete stranger just broke up me this is a wrong number I don't know who this is but then I text her back like babee we can make this work all right like I was awkward before but I'm insufferable now I am I am almost a year out of practice from being weird like I go I go I go on walks and I remember I left the house for this walk right and while I was on it I bumped into a guy and we bumped into each other hard cuz we both just weren't paying attention and when I I bumped into him I I immediately whipped around to apologize but when I turned around he was standing there and uh a gun had fallen out of his waistband and so I I looked at the gun and I looked at him and he looked at the gun and he looked at me and here's the thing I was raised in the South right so I was raised to be polite I was raed to you know make people feel comfortable be affable and everything so out of pure Instinct i i i i knelt down to pick up this man's gun and about halfway down I was like let me not put my fingerprints on this loose gun he doesn't even have a holster I am sure he is going to do something illegal with this gun and so I just stood back up and then he knelt down and he picked it up and he put it back in his waistband and we just stared at each other and then I went evening I've never in my life evening I don't know why but I felt like if I skipped he wouldn't shoot me you know what I mean I'm a moving [Laughter] Target so as I was on a walk cuz that's all I do now just leave the house and walk till I get tired and then come home and fall asleep and walk again I'm basically my own [Laughter] dog cuz during lockdown what else could you do there was all you could only go for everything was closed you know and so I was on this walk and I actually got to see a public proposal and I saw this guy stand in front of this woman and he took a step back and he knelt he whipped a ring out he popped it open asked her to marry him and then she hit him in the head with a rock and I am not a relationship expert but that seems like a hard no that's a fast pass right there you know and I don't know them I don't know what's going on with them or anything so I just had to insert something for myself and if I'm being honest last year a lot of people moved in together real quick they were like listen it's the end of the world I'm not paying two rents all right let's just live together I like you enough we'll survive so people partnered up and maybe that's what happened to them they partnered up early in the pandemic and every day he fell more and more in love with her and every day she got sicker and sicker up there you know month two they're sitting at the breakfast table and he's just looking at he's just thinking he's not saying anything that's out loud he's just thinking wow the world may never be normal again the world may be changed forever as we know it and I get to be sitting across from this beautiful woman this this amazing woman that she even eats cute look at her eating her cereal little bites she is she's just too cute you know and then she's sitting across from him thinking is this [ __ ] watching me chew I don't like him looking deep in my mouth like that that is weird as hell make me not even want my food anymore month four they're laying down watching a movie together he has both of her hands in his hands and he's just thinking like look at these look at these little hands look at these dainty little hands she has the cutest hands in the world and then she's thinking this clammy [ __ ] how did he even get his hands this wet did he wash his hands where he sat down to watch the movie my hands are soaking wet right now I am sapping wet I got a cup of water in my hand right now from his weak fingers rubbing up against my hands month eight maybe they maybe they're on a walk or something maybe they're actually able to go out and do a thing you know not much is open but maybe they go to like a froo place or something they're eating it together and he's like look at the little look at her eating the little froo you know what I I can't wait tomorrow I'm going to do it I'm going to ask this beautiful woman to marry me I'm going to get down on one knee and ask this Angel to make me the happiest man in the world then she was sitting there thinking if his head was just a little lower I bet I could knock it clean off I bet I could crack his damn cerebella if he gave me the chance cuz I should mention I don't know if I mentioned it up top but uh when she hit him in the head with a rock she didn't pick up the rock she just had a rock on her okay she was just as ready to hit him in the head with a rock as he was to propose both just walking all day with a rock in their back pocket and hers was just bigger cuz I should point out I wasn't the only one who saw this you know like with any public proposal a crowd gathered around people were aing people started to clap this proposal got claps but it only got two claps cuz people saw him kneel and they even started they were like that is so be we should mind our business let's just go I don't know if you saw the story there's a group of Girl Scouts that were outside of a dispensary in Chicago selling Girl Scout cookies and what Hustlers you know like it we've come full circle as a society because it used to be that kids would walk out of a store and an adult was trying to sell them weed now adults are walking out of dispensaries and there's kids like hey hey I got that good [ __ ] [Laughter] you hungry everybody get hungry you don't want none of this I got that d man I got that Samosa I got that praline I got that mango cream I got that short bread I actually got the cops called to my apartment last year because my neighbor thought that I was killing my girlfriend so I had to explain to the police not only do I not have a girlfriend but it's just me in here sounding crazy enough to be two people all right and in my defense I was losing a fight to a ceiling fan okay let me explain we've been to the Moon okay we use a little piece of glass talk to other people on the other side of the world if we choose we're about to have self-driving cars but there is still no clear indication when to stop pulling the drawring on ceiling fan all right so now I'm chilly I was warm before now I'm chilly I would like cing fan to stop because I'm chilly okay and it's just going [Applause] so the cops come right so the cops come and they don't arrest me but they feel real sorry for me like if they don't fix Corona like if we just live with it forever and then that's it shaking hands will go away it'll go away and when it goes away for our grandkids like generations and generations past now when our grandkids shake hands that's going to be like third base she going to have people after dates like girl how was it she like girl towards the end of the day we ate and you know we had a little wine and everything and then and like we just shook hands in front of everybody it was crazy in public in public in public it just felt right that her afid would be like girl girl please tell me you wore a glove no glove girl no glove you nasty I know I know I'm nasty though been trying to work out so I can have a a man's body I am a uh extra medium I have always wanted to be big and it did not work out for me I just want to have those broad should you know what I mean like that H like you know like so I've been working out but joining a gym is too easy you know I just gave them money and they let me start working out but I don't know what I'm doing so now I don't know what I'm doing next to heavy stuff nothing changed I gave you $25 you know like I was trying to do some deadlifts just pick it up put it back down cuz build up the legs cuz you don't want to have a ripped up your body and Tiny legs and my legs if I wearing shorts you would be distracted okay you'd be like oh he might be funny but I can't hear him past the sound of his knee shaking so I was trying to do some deadlifts just pick it up put it back down you know and so I'm I'm standing in front of the bar but no one even told me that the weight had to be even on each side like I don't I don't know what I'm doing but I'm bent in got the legs open and the over the trying to put my back curled or what whatever you're supposed to do and I'm gripping the weight I'm trying to psych myself up like I can really lift this weight and right then the most beautiful woman walked up next to me I'm like now I got to pick it up I can't just be like that's not mine and then walk away like I got to I got at least try to pick it up so I'm going to try to pick it up so like eye of the Tiger's playing in my head and like Rocky's behind me with a stroke face like you can do it like I feel like feel like I might really be able to pick this up and so I go to lift it up and the most unrecognizable sound leaves my body because I go to pick it up immediately I'm like I've never I've never in my life made that sound before but I go to pick it up and I'm like Ah that's not mine and I did anyway I just walked away and then I tried to redeem myself later by working out next to her like I make that sound all the time I was just doing curls next to her later like ah didn't work she just left and I want to find out what my line is I like just be that dude that was nice to everybody and then he died sounds like a pretty good life cuz I'm a super Progressive guy now but give me 80 years I I'll find a thing I won't even do it on purpose I just won't get it you know I won't be a bad person I just won't understand I don't know what it is now but it's coming in fact I bet I can take a guess at what it is it's going to be robots it will AI is getting too good it's not too long before they put in a body all right and then they're just walking around amongst us and everything and then years later my granddaughter brings home a robot to Thanksgiving and I don't like it I don't like it at all and now I'm that old racist at the table you know nice young man could be more respectful in my house right but I'm sitting there saying all the racist stuff lean over to my granddaughter like you can [ __ ] them but don't marry them all [Applause] right grandpa what 20 minutes minutes into dinner I'm like Hey Siri pass the [Applause] salt Grandpa what you can't say that that's their word okay I invent the word I think I get to say it no hour into dinner what so what your grandpa like a blender or something grandpa what his grandfather was a blender okay and they kept him in the house and they worked him to death and then they threw him out when he got old n at least he was in the house you know wasn't one of these outside robots he like wasn't like he was a llama or something he didn't have it that hard oh haven't we done enough for you people got to watch you every day we didn't do anything I didn't do anything to you they they like the work they didn't complain you know now every every weekend can't go anywhere without you guys marching talking about how bot lives matter [Applause] whatever and then I die and nobody's sad the thing that I love about telling that joke is that in it I actually make up a form of bigotry but this is so Brooklyn some of you were like you need to check your organic privilege all right just because he's made at nuts and bolts does not diminish his personhood all right I made it up it's not going to happen I promise you this is New Orleans so I know you guys party is it just me or is the mark of a good party always something bad happening you know no one's ever like oh my gosh that was a great party last night we all dranked just enough got home safe and woke up in time for breakfast that's never the description ever it's always like great party Bill died great party that's a fantastic party somebody need call Bill mama he de I'll talk to Bill like that but great party the first time I ever went to a fraternity party and a girl twerked on me I fell down cuz I wasn't ready she was just backing up I had time to bend my knees or catch a wall like ah but great party [Music] though he

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 313,972

Keywords: Stand up featuring, featuring, stand up, comedy central stand up featuring, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, mothers, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, Josh Johnson, The Daily Show, theatre, sports, basketball, football, COVID, pandemic, thirst traps, apple, iPhone, iPhones, cracked screens

Id: PfVB5PGnlg4

Length: 45min 58sec (2758 seconds)

Published: Tue Jan 30 2024