I'm sorry. I look like every cop
that's been in trouble on the news. You know, during the height of the
pandemic, my friend calls me up because. Mike, do you want to go to Spain this year
for running with the Bulls? I go, Isn't that a bit soon? Remember last week
when the air almost killed us? Remember, five days ago,
we were almost murdered by the air. And now you want to go running
with the bulls, which I know that's what it's called,
but that's not actually what you're going to be doing. Running with the Bulls implies that the bulls have accepted you, and you guys have decided to exercise
together. What you're going to be doing
is running from the bulls. Do you understand the difference? Running with running from everybody
so focused on pronouns. Now maybe we should take a look
at some of these prepositions. Running with. Running from. He's kind of an unhealthy guy. So I took a shot at him. I go instead of running with the bulls. Why don't you just try running? Because you know what can kill you
besides bulls. A sedentary lifestyle. He goes, Well, let me know. You know, we all have to get COVID tests
before we go over. I go, do they want us completely healthy
for when we're murdered by bulls? My girlfriend moved in with me
during the pandemic. And I'll tell you
a little bit about myself first. I'm 100% Italian, Wolf. Thank you. And I tell people that and I get pushback. They go 100%, your mother and father. I go, that's what 100% means. But if you drop out of the fifth grade, they go, can you speak it? I go, No, I'm third generation. They go, you're not real. But I tried. I took an Italian language class
at my high school, but I was failing it. So I did the most Italian thing
I could think of. I went to the teacher after class
and I said, Look, I'm getting an F, I'm failing your class. But what do you say you give me a B and nothing will happen to you
or your family? There's nothing more Italian than that. Now, my girl is from rural Indiana, and I learned this very early
on during the quarantine. People from rural Indiana
do not like to be called hillbillies. Did you guys know that that's considered a slur? The correct term is cage free. The cage free
do not like to be called hell. Folk. It gets their overalls in a twist. The hardest thing about moving in with someone is getting adjusted
to each other's bad habits. I'll go first with mine. My bad habit is yelling. I do yelling. And I thought,
this is just being Italian-American. But that's not what it's called now. That's not what it's called in 2022. It's not called
being Italian-American now. It's called toxic and problematic. It's no longer ethnic. It's now toxic and problematic. Her problem and since she's not here, we'll get into it. She leaves her crap all over the place. I mean, real bad cupboards, open
doors, open, clothes all over the floor. So I go where you race in a barn. That's a pretty standard thing to say to somebody who's being a slob
where you race in a barn. But she's from rural Indiana, so it turns out
she actually was raised in a barn. She took it personally
and started a four day fight. But it was a cultural mis communication. And she did it back to me
during the fight. She called me a pig. And that's a slap
in the face in my culture. But to somebody from rural Indiana. A pig is your friend. She just meant that you are very loyal and trustworthy. But I remember the first time
our bad habits collided. You know, I walk in the apartment
and it's a mess, and I go, What is this? What is this? And she comes out of the room and
looks at me and goes, Please stop yelling. I go, I wasn't yelling at you. I was yelling at the person
that I thought kidnaped you because this looks like a crime scene. What are you trying to tell me with this? You're from the Midwest. Are you pro tornado? Because I'm anti tornado. I think they destroy lives. But it's not that. It's just that Indiana
is a different place than New York. It's not better or worse. It's just different. I went to go visit her people. Very nice. I ducked away for a little alone time. I went to the diner. I had a great meal and I got the bill. And the bill was for $6. So I call the waitress over. I go, Excuse me, miss. There must be some mistake. This says $6. She goes, There's no mistake. And you're going to pay every penny of it. I go, I don't think you understand. What I'm saying is
I have enough money in my pocket right now to buy this restaurant. So living together
is going pretty good for me, guys. But I made a mistake
during the quarantine. And don't ever do this
with your significant partner. We're laying in bed and I go, Let's get
to know each other a little bit better. On the count of three, let's blurt out our excuse. Never do that
with your significant partner. One of you is dumber. And in my case,
it was me, and I was much dumber. And she loves me,
so she was trying to save it. She goes, Mike,
you have a much lower IQ than I do. Even you're smart enough to know that. She goes, But you have this other thing called emotional intelligence,
and that's pretty valuable to and I did some research and it turns out emotional intelligence
is completely made up. It's fake. It's just something that smart people tell dumb people that they have
so that they're dumb. People don't kill themselves and they stay alive and they do the jobs that the smarter people don't want to do. So my jobs in the apartment are as follows Sanitation and extermination, bugs and trash. That's what I do. I do butts in trash. And sometimes she'll quiz me. She'll go, What are your jobs? I'll go parks and trash. And she'll be like, Who's my guy? I go, I am. I know. Now what? Every time we recently had an incident, there was a bug in the bathroom. And the reason I know because she was
in the bathroom and she has a bug above. It's a bug. There's a bug on my. All right, car alarm. I got it. I go and flick the light on bug freezes. I freeze. It's a standoff now. I try to kill this bug three times. Third time I step directly on him,
scoop him up with toilet paper. He's still alive but wounded. So I throw him in the toilet. I flush the toilet. It's swirling around. This bug pushes away from the toilet
paper. He highsmith's. The toilet paper swims to the side of the ball, starts climbing out. I see that I back out of the bathroom, I go, It's all good, babe. She goes in the bathroom,
she comes back out. She goes, He's alive and better than ever. I go,
Let me tell you something about this bug. He has more of a
will to live than you and me combined. She goes, Well,
go back in there and kill him. I go, Relax. This isn't a mafia family, okay? This bug has a lot of the characteristics, actually,
that I admire in any living thing. This bug is resilient, overcomes adversity,
mentally tough, never quits. This bug is basically who
I want to be as a person. I'm not going to go back in there
and kill my role model. He just lives with us now. She goes, Well,
I'm afraid to go in the bathroom. I go where you should be because you ordered his death three times, and I'm sure he overheard you because this bug probably doesn't
have the highest IQ, but I'm sure he's got
a lot of emotional intelligence. I have a incredibly settled home life and it's nice,
but I wish it was more exciting sometimes. And the other day
I was talking to this comedian. She's much cooler than me
and she has a really cool date in life. And she said, so I'm dating Jack
and his girlfriend, though. I'm in a throuple. Like she was getting a new kitchen and for some reason
to keep up with the Joneses as it courted. And I are thinking of becoming
unstoppable. Went home that night,
sitting in bed next to him. He's reading the latest entry history. It's on MoneySavingExpert.com. And I was like, Conor, could you fight? Can we maybe get a new boyfriend
or girlfriend? You were one of your Bohemian friends. Have you been talking to now? What you want to be enough trouble for? well. Well, maybe then you'd have someone
to go a parkrun with because I hate it. He went fat. I told you. Stop asking me deviant things. You have this idea of yourself
in your head that you're a mad slag that loves shagging when really you're
just, like, coming home to me, having dinner and cuddling. okay. Can we get a cab? Can we get a cab and not fuck it? Just a pick up. When people talk about compromise and a long term relationship, that's
the kind of thing we're talking about. You start off with high aspirations
through all three ways. The sense to it that you don't even want. I like dogs. They were getting a cat anyway. I thought, I can't criticize Arlene Foster
for being closeted and not see, I've had a few women and mate, I myself,
so I says I was bi properly and this time I did it during a stand up
set on telly. And as I said, I felt sick. I felt like really nervous
about seeing it. But everyone started clapping me
for being a brave girl. They were very vocal, progressive and I was thinking,
Stop clapping me for being a fuck off. Man is only half gay. So it was only half brave. I was thinking everyone I went to school
was going to see this on telly and slag me off
and see she's just doing this because it's the easiest way
of being a walk. Hep Star. It's easier than becoming a vegan, and I'm a vegetarian,
which is the bisexuality of diet. And that's how Mum and Dad found out
was they saw me talking about it on telly. Imagine that's how your mum finds out
about all that. A lot of that is. That's me
finding an unbelievably tall lady. My mum phoned me up to ask me about it
after the program came out and she asked me about it
the way only a Scottish Catholic mother does,
which is by not asking you for about 10 minutes of the phone call. It was just a series of disconnected
facts. Hello. I need a carrot cake today. Then I went to Zoom, but then I picked sweet peas in the garden and then it was sustainable pass
and I knew what was coming. She went there. I got my six year old. Imagine if that was how Holly Willoughby asked Phillip Schofield the Scottish Way by screaming
and his face. I was like, Yeah,
And you told me it was disgusting. The first time you found out. No, I didn't. How dare you. Anyway,
I've changed since you were a teenager because I seen the musical Kinky Boots and that changed everything. Isn't that amazing? The art can move people and profound ways. One of Broadway's shortest musicals, Kinky Boots,
turned my mum from being a homophobe. And as someone who pretends
not to be a homophobe and I go out with women,
they're like my mum. They're always quite intense,
they're always fucking mental. And I really judge men who say they're
always going out with men or women. I think it's quite misogynistic. So can I just say at this point
in the show I met my first girlfriend and I'm in a hospital,
so she was fuck it made, you know, diagnosed
with both where it was a great match. Her name was Rita. She was a tiny little skinhead,
but we were both 16 year olds in a mental hospital. You know how it goes in your teens. You meet Sylvia Plath,
you go into a mental hospital. You re I used to write me these love
letters that would open with things like who is the funniest guru and all of Willow
Groves children and adolescent psychiatric day care. Then that's pretty. Who makes the best potato prints about our feelings
and occupational therapy? On first days when Nurse Linda Erskine and then there was a terrible drawing of some palm
trees on a beach done in crayon. And it said,
When I look at this, lasses eyes across
group therapy without bitch Nurse Fiona. I can see the sun setting on a beach and it's all because of her. That's right. What a cracking lover I am. So Richard's giving me this wonderful necklace
along with a letter. The necklace was a very classy necklace from the Elizabeth Duke article range. good. Some scum get that for this posh people of Glasgow Elizabeth Articles was a range of gelati where working class
people could express earnest emotions. Fantastic place V. I gave me this necklace. It said something on it
like Love lasts forever. We shouldn't really voice
are definitely heard as a threat. And my mum found the letter
and the necklace when I was 16 and she had not sat me. She was like, This is disgusting. This is veil. I was mortified. Like, Well, I guess
this is how she finds out of being angry. And yet it was
phenomenal, you know, almost. I like how nonjudgmental you guys are, but you understand
there's not much to do. And women's psychiatric units,
you learn a thing. Goodbye. And you learn to play pool
to an incredibly high standard. And then Mum stopped shouting at me
and she went further. What upsets me the most is
I just cannot believe you would pretend to, like other girls
in order to steal their children. Excuse me. Now, a few years
know what's going on at this point? I think the type of person who sees
the whole world is straight and then they tell themselves any story
to get to that conclusion. My mum's one of those. My mum would rather tell herself a story
and which I am a jewelry thief, running some sort of a heist. Not for good diamonds, not for sure. Part or Cartier diamonds. Elizabeth Duke. Agostino by the Matheson's in general
is against my will. That all is part of the grand jury fees heist at a mental hospital be zero happens because the other thing
when I was a kid code section 28 where Margaret
Thatcher said that you couldn't teach primary school kids that LGBT
people access not teach how against boys
or how to let fun is just that they exist. Right? I'm not saying this to try and be real,
but yeah, when they ban teach
and things like that on the curriculum, I look back
and think of the amount of utter bullshit that my teachers taught me
at primary school. I went to school where there was a crucifix on the wall
of the assembly hall there too. The teacher told us
that was the actual cross. Jesus died. Dido wife, Jesus, one foot tall. Why is his final resting place Scotland's? I used to like to do that in class. When I was five. I was bored. I just moved my head for safe
to say something to do. And my teacher said, you know, if and that's all well and good,
but the brain is attached to the top of the skull
and it gradually comes loose. And the more you do that, the more likely
it is that your brain will collapse in your skull, killing you instantly. Teachers are maniacs. I had the best year of my primary school
career not being taught the curriculum. When I was eight years
old, I had a teacher. Mr. Curran Mr. Curran was drunk the entire school year after the child. That doesn't register. You just think, why is this art more fun than all the other adults? Then teach us anything? Just came in every day, sat on the carpet
and told us stories about walking his three legged dog
and the witch. One day he sat us all down and he said,
Kids, Well, I was walking
my three legged dog in the woods. Today. I found something very special and he had a shoe box in his lap. no, He just went, God, it's not working. And so we went to the next lesson. The point of the story, really,
Like as far back. Well, no second pitch. Get your mind out to go out because something
beautiful is about to happen. He says, I found a little badger. I swear to God. He opened the shoe box. And about your comment. So beautiful. The greatest thing that happened
in my childhood at that point, every day for a year
than to any other asthmatic than to any handwriting,
and just had this strong guy still in a boat with a budget and a box. One day he said, Listen, kids, I'm
going out of the classroom for a bit. You can take care of yourself. Well, I'm down the pub. Do not get Mr. Badger over his books. He's a wild animal. I'll get him out when I come back. I was a very good kid. I never broke the rules. However, I sat next to two very nasty
boys, Lee and Kevin. They're definitely in prison now. And I said to them, I love Mr. Badger in class. I think he's the best thing to happen
in a primary for Glee. And Kevin turned to me and said,
This is hard to see. He said, That's that's not about Badger. That's a fucking puppet in a box. You're funny. Do you know in The Matrix when you find that reality has a rabbit? I felt my vision go black again. Start spinning an old man shaking my head
uncontrollably. No, no, no, man. Reliving the past year to my life,
looking at Mr. Badger is very real eyes hanging out with him every day. I said, Guys, I'm a I'm not stupid. I said, You're Badger. I said, I'll go in front of the class. No, I wouldn't normally do this, but I'll go to the front of the class
and I'll take him out of his box. And I'm sure you always do. Be right. You're a fucking spook. If that does go America, there's no way of translating the well into the front of the class. I stood in front of that box, took all my strength to open it
and look inside. Look, there's 100% a glove puppet on a pair of stairs, leash the whole school year. Except for me. If you find my comedy's dark and cynical,
that is the moment. who died? My life. And they still would teach
primary school kids. The LGBT people are real. I spent a year talking about your. This doesn't exist. A week
after this overheard our art teacher, Ms.. Christie, telling one of the other
teachers as if we couldn't hear. yes, they let go of Jim Carter last week. It turns out he was drinking
heavily on the job and those two boys from earlier
just turned to me. And when I phoned, guess what? We saw him walking his dog and tone. It's got four legs. It's less than they felt like doing it. People in power just like it. I think people are getting
more progressive on sexuality because I get a lot of younger people
come into maturity rules and they're so cool in terms
of seeing sexuality as a spectrum. And I think it's great. And I says to my boyfriend,
No, people view it that way. Could you be anywhere else
on the Kinsey scale of sexuality? And he answered really earnestly. It was like I thought about it,
but I honestly don't think I want to suck at that. I was like, Connor, no one likes to talk attack. It's just the polite executive. I actually got divorced a week before COVID hit. Yeah. So who's ready for some comedy? I just start crying. No, it's okay. I think the craziest part
about getting divorced is having to change your emergency contact
back to your mom. Think it would be less embarrassing
to use a stranger from Craigslist? Truly. But other than that went pretty smoothly. Like, we still have a lot of love
and respect for each other. He's also a comedian,
so we didn't have a lot of assets to split up. It's not like
there is a summer house and a boat. It was like,
Do you want the Batman Begins DVD? Who gets the Good Spatula? And after some time had passed, we decided that we were going to try
and be friends again. And that's always a little weird the first time you try hanging out
with an ex as a friend. When he saw me, he first punched me. I was like, Wow. Honestly, I would rather have you fist me. That would feel less physically uncomfortable than this nightmare
you just put us through. Hey, to that. Absolutely not. And I've had the deadly peanut allergy
for most of my life. So for the eight years we were together,
he had to stop eating peanut products, Because if he did
and then kissed me, my throat would close. So when I saw him, I was like,
what's it like to eat peanut butter again? He goes, man, we should have broken up a long time ago. I don't even blame him. Have you had peanut butter? I can't compete with that. I hate that the person I am with
has to give that up. That puts way too much pressure on me
to be worth the tradeoff. Right? Like you're going to rob a man of Ricci's
for the rest of his life. Bitch, you better be
pretty open minded in the bedroom. I'm going to make a man stop, swallow
and something delicious. Well, get ready to start
swallowing something gross. You got to fill the void
that Snickers left the missionary with the lights off. Ain't going to cut it any more. So had to learn some new moves
and watch some tutorials. It's what I call porn. It's just. Just educational for me now. I just watch with a little notepad like,
pretend to gag like, seems good. I do think it's easy when you get married
to stop trying as hard and bad. But God, if you get divorced
and you start trying to date again, it's like
having to come back out of retirement now. So you got to start stretching
and get ready to run another BJ five K like, No, I just did this. Somebody move the finish line back
another ten years. I can't even see it. Do we have any
married people here tonight? As a pretty sad, sad. You guys are faking it a little bit. Some of you just treated it
like a silent auction. You were like, It's just so sad. Anybody here
been married for a really long time? Like over 20 years? Yeah. Yeah. You said your How long? The married. 21. Give it up for 21. That's a long time. Yeah. So you guys get it. If you've been working the same job for over two decades, you start to cut some corners. Right? But if it is your first week
at a new blowjob, you are hustling. You're just are. I'm sure you do it to figure it out by now
that the best blowjob you ever get from us is the first blowjob. Because women, we're so competitive. We know that you're about to compare us
to every other one you've ever had. So we just enter the arena that night like I will be queen. Give me that and pull out all our tips and tricks. Hurt our knees, throw our back out. We want a trophy we will give. Had to get ahead Millennium area. Then you start to treat blowjobs
like you're assembling IKEA furniture. Just skip a few steps and by the end you're like,
Next time I'm hiring somebody else to do this little righty tidy lefty aliasing,
Let's get the hell out of here. And we got to go to Costco. I tried to avoid the whole post-breakup
identity crisis. One of my friends went through a breakup
and she got this dramatic haircut afterward
as a revenge move against her ex. She's like, If he sees me, he's going to
know he missed out on this whole other me like a guy has ever seen a haircut and been like, never go to fuck. Asymmetrical lob Lisa said, You guys never know
when we change our hair, right? You're not even observant of yourselves. Before the divorce, I was cuddling with my ex,
and I felt like my leg had been stabbed. I look down his toenails,
look like he cut them with his teeth. They're all jagged. He could unlock a secret
door in a haunted house. I was like, Do you have a best friend
with a matching jagged toenail? You put them together
to make a best friend, I guess. Is that what you're sorry you're doing? Turning stone to a prison ship? I was like, What is this? He goes, I just didn't notice. I sure did. When you shanked my Achilles tendon. I'm bleeding out because I feel like this stuff
only gets worse with you guys. With age. Like, we've all seen the really old men
with thick tufts of raccoon hair growing out of their ears. I'm sure that guy's wife
has been telling him to trim it for years,
and he just can't hear her. That it's like yelling into a fan. It's coming right back in your face. I just sat next to a very old man
on a plane recently, and I had my notebook out
and he leans over and goes, It's nice to see somebody
writing a note on their phone. And I was like, Well, he doesn't know. I'm writing jokes about come home. I was like, suddenly
Candy Crush doesn't seem so bad. Homeland all. When I boob Tim moved him on the nose. Love that Wendell. It does feel a little weird
to start over now in my thirties, but at least I know now what I like
and don't like in a relationship. For example, I don't care how hot you are, I'm still never going to eat your ass. I'm not a fan of the devil's chocolate. No, thank you. And I'm fair about it. I don't ask anybody to eat mine either. Okay, There's no need. Women have a lot of holes down there. It's like a mini golf course. Just skip the one that's in the lagoon. Just don't even look at it. I have never wanted to do that
to one of you guys. Most of you dudes have real blue
collar assholes. Not a lot of maintenance going on back there. That thing works. It loads. I don't trust it. It's like blindly sticking your face
between two couch cushions. It's just goldfish crackers and part of a broken Christmas ornament. It's a choking hazard. Frankly, I'm not going to swallow a clip
so you can come a new way. And that is the joke I wrote next to a window on the break. Everyone I know is angry. Really? I mean, everyone. Everyone I've ever met,
especially in New York City, is angry. We're all. Yes. I even a two year
old throw a fit and CBS today and he just got to this planet. He's got no bills,
no kids, no responsibilities. And he's still like,
what the fuck is going on here? Hoping to register anybody here? They're be. Yeah, over there. Good for you. Is it working? Look good? I feel like the only reason you feel
good in therapy is because you're on a couch therapy. And I don't know if I do see a therapist. I'm going to see a female therapist.
I think they're the best. Yeah, I do. I think. I just think women are better talking about feelings and emotions and ideas
and all that stuff. Been around guys my whole life. I don't trust them. I certainly don't
trust them with my feelings. I'm sure there's hundreds of great
male therapists out there, but I'm terrified I'd go to a male therapist
and say something like, I'm scared. And he'd be like, scared. dude, Nic, look at me. I don't know. It's just men.
Men are not good with their feelings. We're just not. It's not a big deal. It's not a huge deal. You know? But we're just not. Feelings are like. Feelings are like crayons. They give you 64
billion abuse in, like, three. I use like. I use, like, three feelings. Anger, despair. Nothing. And nothing's the big one. Nothing's too big. I can't tell you how many times
someone's told me a long story. And at the end of it
they say, isn't that sad? And I'm like, I don't know. I sort of was long. Maybe that was it. Let's talk to my buddy. He told me he was horny. I said nothing. Telling someone you're horny, it's like telling them you have diarrhea. There's not a lot to add. You should have taken care of that
before you left the house. I guess I don't want to tell you. That's what he said to me. I'm horny. What did he think I was going to say? all right. Come here. Let's get this over with. You all. Me? You shouldn't tell people you're horny. I mean, you tell your lover
or your partner or whatever. That's fine. But you don't tell some guy. You don't. You don't just tell some guy you're horny. You know,
you're not going to get sympathy, right? You get no sympathy for being horny. It's not like you're sick. You can't call it horny to work. Yeah, I'm not coming in today. You know, I'm really horny, and I don't want to give it to everyone else that already tried that. And I'm not stupid. I know there's more to life than just sex. We all know there's more to life
than just sex. It's just that sex is so much better
than those other things. There's other stuff,
but it's so much better. It's dominating. I mean, I love cookies. I do. I love cookies. But if I do not have access to cookies,
I will not download a movie and watch two other people eat cookies. Or will I? Yeah, I think it's the word horny. It's just it's not a pleasant word, isn't horny. It just feels aggressive. I should have called it something nicer, extra lonely, sad. And the pants like I'm shocked that hasn't caught on sand in the pants. Wouldn't that be great? Yeah. Would make those late night
phone calls less sleazy. Can I come over? Why? Said and the pants. I think some of you were hesitant
to laugh at the horny material. Yeah, because of the times we live in
with all the sexual misconduct going on, which isn't funny,
which isn't cool. All the pervert Seems like every time you open up
the newspaper, there's a new pervert. Yeah. I used to think I knew what a pervert was, but with all this information
going around, I finally look the word up. You know what a pervert is? A pervert is a guy. That's it. That's it. Yeah. It's just a guy with an idea. These guys are not doing well right now. You guys,
you're not going to make the playoffs, right? It's just not good. Just look at the news. It's all guys. They shouldn't even call it the news. Should call it shit guys did today. And now Susie with the weather. Don't touch her. A lot of couples. That's good love and I'm in a relationship. I'm in a relationship. I am cautiously optimistic, which means I'm divorced. Are you divorced over the divorce? You're divorced? Yeah. Well, you're just happy. I am. All right. You usually don't
get that kind of support. Yeah, For those, you don't know what divorce is. Divorce is when the person who knows
you better than anyone in the entire world thinks you suck. They've done the research, and it's a big thumbs down. Anyway,
that's all beyond behind me, right? I'm in this relationship. It's going okay. She's smart and sunny. Of course. Everybody says
that about their partner, don't they? He's smart and funny.
She's smart and funny. No one's ever like I'm dating a sad moron. Whoa. It's tough. She is smart, though. She's got a master's in business, a doctorate in engineering and a law degree. Yeah,
but I feel like we balance each other out, so I ground her. I don't know. I love her. My buddy said,
How do you know you love her? I'm like, I don't know. What do I got to convince you to bet he is right On some level,
you can't be positive. You love somebody. You think you love somebody,
Tell people you love them, but you don't. There's no way to confirm it, right? There's no there's no test. There's no breathalyzer for love. That'd be nice. Someone trying to get over on you. I love you. really? Blow into this. We have a realistic kind of love. We don't have that Hollywood
kind of romantic comedy. Everything is going to be fine.
Kind of love, right? You know, matter of fact, we were watching
a movie the other night and the Rock was in it. And he turns to the woman in the movie
and he's like, I'm not going to let anyone hurt
you ever come. And then she looks at me and I'm like,
you know, I certainly do what I can, but I'm scared to. I just don't want to date anymore. Big thumbs down on dating because I'm old. I've been doing it forever. It's too emotionally exhausting. That's the big problem. It's emotionally exhausting being in love. Like when you try to find out
when you try to meet somebody. Because what is dating? Dating is basically one person walking
into a room and saying to another person, My bad, right? And how do you then how do you figure out if you like
somebody, you go to a comedy show, you have drinks, you go to dinner,
you have drinks, you've gone for
drinks, you have more drinks. Of course you're going to think
you like the other person. You're human, but you don't learn anything
about the person. You say the right thing.
Where the right thing. yeah, me too. Then six months later, you find out
they're a creep. I don't have that kind of. I think all first date should be
in your underpants on a couch at 7 a.m. with all your medications in front of you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yes. You got diabetes. I got depression. Let's do this. I don't know. I really don't. The dating. I don't even know. I just want the sex, too. And that's hard. It's difficult to say. I don't even have that many. I don't have as many sexual thoughts
as I used to. I don't know what happened. I think my porn director in my head
is so exhausted from his early work that she was just showing
clips from the Great British Baking Show. Right now, somehow it works and so, anyway, seeing this woman,
she wants to get married. I want her to stop wanting that. It's not that I don't want to get married
again. It's that I don't want to get divorced again. Exactly. I don't want to get divorced again. I know two divorces is a bad luck. I'm sorry if you've been divorced twice,
but it just doesn't look good. Getting divorced. Getting divorced? Yeah. You get a divorce once people are like,
that's too bad. You get divorced a second time. They're like, What the fuck are you doing? What are you saying to these people? If this one doesn't work out, though,
I'm done. I'm retiring, I'm taking the penis. I'll put it in the closet
next to the peloton. And that book I never read and you got to give it up, though. You can't. You just got to throw your hands up
and just wish for the best. I think that's all you could do. So, yeah, sometimes you get married,
you get divorced, sometimes you get married,
you get divorced, sometimes you get married
and that person kills you. That's got to be the worst. What are the chances you marry somebody and they kill you? It's got to be a weird feeling. They're coming at you with a knife. You're like, Wow, was I off? So my fiancee and I are getting married in October. Thank you. We're going to have
a heterosexual wedding, we decided. Got to discuss everything these days. You can't take anything for granted.
I said. I identify as the groom. She's like,
I feel like the bride. I was like,
All right, that's one thing. Down. Let's talk appetizers. We had a bit of a love story We dated ten years ago,
and I fell in love with her. Soon as I saw her
just instantly fell in love. Felt that connection. But then she broke up with me. She didn't feel it the same way. She was young. She moved to Italy for school and work
and I was broke and I was devastated. I was pathetic.
Have you ever been pathetic? Like, really just an embarrassment. Like you can see in your friend's face,
they don't even want to be around you. It's like,
he's going to tell us the story again. It was very raw. You know, you feel alive,
but for all the wrong reasons. I started making bad decisions. Started visiting her mom. Basically started dating her mom. I just needed to be close
to someone who was close to her. But then finally,
I got my shit together, moved on. Broke up with her mom, and life was good again. I felt whole. I felt good. Years went by, dated other people. Then a couple of years ago,
I got a text message out of the blue. How are you? And you know how you recognize
the old area code? It's like, 0908. Look who's back right on time. How are you? I was like, Today
are the last eight years. The answer to both is fine. Send, because you got to be a man about it,
right? Can't give it up too
soon. Got to play it close to the vest. But inside it was like, Dear diary, you'll never guess who's back. I'll give you three little hints. Nine A's give up diary. It's her night. I was excited. Very excited. We went out for coffee
and we went out to dinner. And then she moved in. Decided to take it slow this time. And it's funny because you know how you have different friends
who react differently. You know,
you have the friends who are, like, unconditionally supportive,
hopeless romantics. My friend Danny was like, Teddy, if there's any love in this world, run
towards it as fast as you can. I was like, Thanks, Danny. I'm going to do that. And I said,
But don't you still live with your wife even though you
got divorced five years ago? He's like,
We're talking about you right now. This isn't about me. But that's fair. That's fair. That's. Then you have other friends who are more,
like, protective of you, right? They hold a grudge for you, right?
My friends, like, don't let her back. Don't let her break your heart again. I was like,
I don't even know if I have a heart. I'm 48 years old.
I just want to feel again. Who cares? Break my heart. So it did feel good to reconnect with the one who I always
thought was the one because she's different,
you know, She's an artist. I'm a comedian. So we've committed to a life of struggle. But she just fascinates me. I like the way she sees the world. She's different.
She was raised by lesbians. I don't mean she was abducted and taken into the wild. She was raised her mother was with a woman
and they raised her and her siblings. And every now and then it just hits me
just little moments. I can't even explain it. I'm just like, that's right. Raised by lesbians, They don't care for men. But I am a heterosexual man. I've always been attracted to females. But there are certain
guys who make me nervous, you know what I mean? Like every now and then, I'm just like,
hello. Like,
I never know when it's going to happen. Like, there's this guy that works
in the bagel shop in our neighborhood. I can't even make like,
he has the most mysterious blue eyes. I can't even look him directly
in the face. Like, as the line moves up, It's like,
I hope I get him, but I also don't hope I get him. Like my heart is beating faster, My mouth is dry. Finally I get up to the front. I'm just like cream cheese. You decide. I don't know what it is. I'm not sexually attracted to him,
but I just want him to like me desperately. So we reconnected again. It was beautiful. There was an age difference,
and there still is. That's how math works. But it feels like less now
because time has gone by. We're both older. Like,
if I took her to my high school prom, I would have been pushing her
in a stroller. It's like, No, no, trust me, guys, I have
a good feeling this is going to work out. Hey, now, Hey, now. Don't throw all her out and her wedding gift, and it helps her sleep and her skills, and it's giving her a lot of. she is in her very early thirties and I am in my late forties. They say a woman's
sexual prime is her thirties, so she is in her sexual prime
and I am not. I'm past my prime. Like, do you remember when Shaq played
for the Celtics? That's me. He didn't look like himself anymore. He had a hard time
getting up and down the court. Some nights
he was really an embarrassment. And I bet there were nights
where Shaq's teammates got very angry at Shaq and said, like, shit,
do you even want to play with us? Do you have any passion for the
game anymore? Do you care? And I'm sure Shaq was like, No, guys, it's
not that at all. I love you. It's
just that I'm a little older now. It takes me a little longer to warm up. Maybe if you could just fucking
and be a little patient. Shaq probably said to them that I just think it was very unfair of Shaq's teammates
to treat him like that. He he was a legend. He had done a lot in the game. He deserved better. And then if you look back, Shaq had
some really good games for the Celtics. Not every game, not every game,
but on some nights he looked like the Shaq of old. And I just wish his teammates
could have appreciated that. Instead of harping on the nights
that he had difficulty performing. I feel for Shaq is what I'm trying to say. The older you get
and the longer you've been with somebody, the sex isn't as important
as sexual threats here. I mean, you just got to throw it out there like,
someone's going to get it tonight. Nobody's going to get it. You're just going to watch Netflix
go to bed. But it's just nice as a gesture
to put it out there in the air. It's a nice thing to do. you better watch it. You're going to get punished. Like what? Go to bed. Like, what's the punishment? We know what's going to happen. I proposed on a on a Wednesday, on a random Wednesday,
just because I felt like anyone can do it on a weekend
when it's supposed to be fun, you know? But I felt like Wednesday
would really set her up for what our whole marriage
is going to feel like it's going to be a real Wednesday
energy to the whole thing. And the sooner she knows that, the better. They say Sovereign allowed him
to be responsible. You know, you've got to be a responsible
adult, responsible parent. Any parent saying, yes, it's good, know
it's stressful, it's stressful. Not for me. It's my little boy. Very stressful
being a baby. Very stressful. His socks just fall off all day. Just around him throughout the day,
you know, Don't always socks off again. Imagine what that would do to
you as adults if that was given to you. Your mental health would be in the toilet. If you were going to do that. is it more babies? First word from the learn to speak. What the fuck's going on with these socks? Seriously, This might be a baby. My, my little boy, 13 months old. He's got three xylophones. What does anybody need? Three xylophones? This professional xylophone plays
with less xylophones than this. I said to my wife
why she got face oil off because. he likes to play one in the bath. Yeah, of course. It's like some kind of fucking eccentric
billionaire. What is going on here? But you put two of them away. Surely you can put two of them away. It's great. I'm loving having him. We tried for a long time
to have a baby, man. My wife.
We tried for years and years and years. We didn't think it's going to happen
for us, and it nearly broke up. It's a very difficult time.
But he's here now and it's amazing. It's birth. It was incredible.
I'll never forget his birth. For as long as I live, there's only a few things
I'll remember vividly forever in my life. One is the birth of my little boy. The other thing I'll never forget. I'll never forget where I was when I heard
the news that Michael Jackson had died. Now it was Glastonbury Festival 2018 weeks,
a full nine years after his death. I don't know how a mixed up that's on me. That's an oversight on my part. Works about. We started joining in 2016. My wife turns me on the Saturday
one evening and she goes, Josh, I want to try for a baby. And I said,
I want to try for a baby as well together. Yeah, perfect. I do, because we've been together
a long time at that point. And when we've been together
for years and years, and when you get with somebody
really young, you can't really imagine what it'd be like
to be with them for years and years. I tell you, I mean, we went out
for quite a posh lunch recently at a very fancy restaurant,
if I do say so myself. And the young girl, it's like I said, it's
about maybe 80, 90, this large and we had a box and it's 1:00
in the afternoon. This young guy,
he looks around the restaurant, he goes, I can squeeze you in, but we need the table back by five. What the fuck do you think we're going to be speaking about for 4 hours? You know, as iguanas, you do your bit. Mine goes back in 15 minutes. Just. Just get us in there. She goes, Go for food. My wife is going out for dinner with me, and she keeps telling me at the minute,
I've got ADHD. She keeps saying to me,
Josh, you've got ADHD. I think you've got ADHD.
I think you should get tested. I think you have got ADHD. Yeah, well, I think that's
a very arrogant thing to tell somebody they've got
if you're not a doctor. Now, let's break that down for a second. Like you've told me a story. I've lost interest in that story. And your first thought is that I must have
some kind of psychological condition. The arrogance of that. Can we maybe
work on your storytelling skills before we put me on my donkey medication to try that first? I'll tell you the truth. I'm not a good husband. I'm not a good husband. I'll be honest. I'm not I'm not unfaithful or controlling,
but I am incompetent. And that can really can really break
your person over the absence. I don't know what this says about me,
but I am not my wife's emergency contact. It's not a great sign, is it? I just make mistakes. That's all it is.
I just make mistakes in our marriage. The worst mistake
I've made in our marriage. It was actually
during one of the lockdown. So my wife works in a school. Her favorite in the whole world is beef
stew and the slow cooker. Very exotic woman.
That's a favorite dinner. One day she gets up early to go to work. She puts this beef
stew into the slow cooker. She goes out to work. She text me at lunchtime
saying, Can't wait for this beef stew. Really looking forward to it. Gets in 5:00 in the evening
rubbing our hands together. Can't wait for this beef stew. Been looking forward to this all day. What neighbors realized was about 12:00
that day, I'd accidentally unplugged the slow cooker
so I could plug in. Alexa, ask how old Ronan Keating is? She was fucking livid. She's like, all we got thinking,
That's not good, you know, late thirties, early forties, it's 47. I've got to tell people, that's one of my favorite things to do
actually, is to listen to music. I take my little boy into the kitchen. We put Alexa on and we dance to a song
until he falls asleep. It's magic. He's a 13 month old white boy
from the middle of England's. His favorite song, of course, is her
in the club by 50 Cent now. You know what I mean? Yeah, you're pretty crowd control now. Did you know in that song
50 Cent is singing You'll find me in the club bottle full of both
as in bubbles, as in champagne. Give me away if you knew that. Yeah. Give me a chair. If you thought it was, you'll find me
in the club bottle full of board. Yeah, me too. Is your 40 something. A millionaire rapper would be bragging
about that short ladies, full bottle of Budweiser over here. Got some scratches. Pretty. You got some scratches? Do worry about that. It's one to try and help. That's when it goes wrong for me. When I try and be a good person,
when I try to be helpful. I was getting a train recently, right?
And the train was early. I was early. I thought I'd get on the train,
like on the train. This man, one of the guys
I saw, the guy. He's blind. He can't see anything at all. And as I've gone past him,
he sort of tells me he's got to. Excuse me. Mike,
can you show me where the toilet is? I don't know where to go, right?
Yeah, of course. So he puts his hand on my shoulder,
Walk him down to the toilet. It's one of those. You're at the Kirby.
Like bread. Bread? A lot. Blind eight toilets. I see this guy inside. He immediately starts
taking down his trousers and pants. Now this guy's blind
so he doesn't stand up in. It's easy for him if he sits down. What he doesn't know is, though,
the door hasn't closed behind him and there's no button on the outside
for me to press it for them. What can I do in that situation? Am I going to say something
to make you feel embarrassed? I can't go in and press the button for him because I'll be stuck in there with him. I don't want to walk off and leave the guy
because you have got to get back to his seat. So I end up just standing there. People now start getting on the train. Now, bear in mind, they haven't seen
the first pair, have they? They don't know that
this guy can't say anything to them. It looks like I've arrived early
to watch a guy shit and he is completely fine with it. I never help anybody. That's my message. Never help anybody. 2016. We start trying for Baby 2017
with love and trying for a baby. It's good fun, good stuff. At first,
you know it works. It's good stuff if you are. At that point, we could never imagine
a world where me and my wife are together. So we got together very young. I was single for a little bit
before I went on a few dates. Hated it. I used to get the ache, do this thing,
the ache, the aches and somebody does something.
It just makes you feel funny. It puts you off. Had it worked out for a male with a girl
one evening halfway through the mail,
this girl looks me dead in the face. She goes, Josh,
I don't find you attractive. I don't like your personality. I know I can see no future with you
whatsoever. And I was like, you know,
I mean, there's something about that. And I was like, No, no, no. That's a red flag for me. Yeah, that's alarm bells. This one says, I will pick up on that
and I'll be like, Whoa, hey, my wife. When I first met my wife,
she didn't like me at first, didn't finds me one little bit,
but ground her down. And now we're married
and I made people forget. You can do that. Like that is an option, Jamie. Like, if you like somebody and I don't like your back, don't
just give up straight away. I don't get worried about it. If you find yourself going to that bench,
that's too far, she said. But like my generation, my generation especially, we're obsessed
with this idea of fight, this notion of fight, like here all the time going, Yeah,
it was meant to happen, it'll happen. But come on, we've got more control
over our lives. And that surely, like
if you were in the supermarket shopping with your kids
and your kid wanders off, you come in. Won't trigger me. Like,
I guess it just wasn't meant to be. Carry on shopping. You go about your posture. Where's the kid? Just didn't work out. Yeah, right person. Wrong time. We go again, we move forward. Great. Match me,
my wife. We're like yin and yang. That's what I'd say. If you're going to have a baby
with somebody, ideally you want to be with somebody,
get in love with Bo, somebody you can bring things to the table
that you can't bring. I'm quite a negative person. My wife is a very happy person. She does not worry about anything. My wife, she's not anxious. She doesn't worry about anything. She goes to sleep at night straight away. But we go to bed. Her head. It's a pillow. She's gone and it fucking freaks me out. I'm like, If you got nothing,
you need to reflect on it at all. Chatter Attention. Like for you. Was it 100% okay, You get your head down. Yeah, no problem. Now you got to rest. I'll stop worrying about the cost. I know what you do. Don't worry about. She doesn't worry
about the cost of living. Doesn't worry about anything.
Not that this is a fact, right? Let's say
since the cost of living has come in, I've stopped using the dishwasher
so much. Stop putting it tomorrow. I know the time she started
leaving the radio on for the dog. When we go out in case she gets lonely. That's lovely. And I said a lovely thing,
but it's costing a fucking fortune. I wouldn't mind, but you start texting,
entering competitions as a joke. I'm just always thrilled to be
somewhere that isn't aware. It's very nice for me, particularly
as the last wedding that I went to. It was back in camp I'm from, so
my husband wasn't invited and I got there and I realized
I had slept with three of the men there. Edition It was a small wedding, mainly family lets me frame this actually legit. First time
I should tell you something about this. Share the good news. I was quite drunk. I was like, who should I tell? And also I know how to appreciate this. My husband. Yeah. So I messaged him,
but because I was quite drunk, my use of past and present tense was also. So I just messaged him saying I slept with this wedding excavation. My phone died. The problem in my relationship is that I am a very bad drunk
and my husband is sober. And the problem is you drink to get drunk. But he remembers everything that I did
the night before. And then he tells me the next
day, which I think is rude, very proud of him, that he's been off
the drink and drugs for eight years. It's quite an achievement. Yeah. And I just think I just can't wait
to develop this. And to the credit of the day, okay, we've been together for a long time now over ten years,
so it's hard to keep the spark alive. And one of the things we did recently that I recommend is
we did a love language test. And then if you know about love languages,
so you find out what you need in a relationship
to feel loved and appreciated. To turn out my husband's love
language was physical touch in quality. Time to time spent with me
made him feel loved and appreciated, and that my love language
was an act of service. You can get it. I think my husband is my soulmate. I think my soulmate is Amazon Prime with us. We went away for our anniversary recently to keep the spark alive,
which is really nice hotel. And we are sat outside in the courtyard
and the sun was setting. I got really dressed up and I saw him
looking at me and I was like, my God, I think he's about to tell me
how beautiful I look. I had He's in tonight. I thought you could tell me
how beautiful I liked it. So I was like, Yes. And he looked at me. Anyway,
it it's so weird, like in some light, it really looks like you have a beard. I did not think you're going to say
that to guy. Happy anniversary.
Enjoy this one as it might be. Other side. Yeah. We've been together for over ten years
and I have never cheated on him. Thank you so much. Thank you. I think I feel so proud about that. And it's because I have cheated
in past relationships. And I know that is bad.
I know it is a terrible thing to do. You can really hurt somebody,
but my God, you feel alive through the. they didn't murder. Yes. No, but it's a very bad thing to do. And I got a taste of my own medicine
because early in my relationship with my husband, before he got sober,
he cheated on me. And for a lot of people,
yeah, that would be a deal breaker. That breakup with him,
that's like that, is it? You don't deserve to be with me. I think actually the bigger punishment
is to stay with them and make them suffer every day
for the rest of their life. It's like, did you do the dishes? And he's like, No, and I'm not. Remember, he does them. He doesn't. One of my friends
said that the best revenge if someone cheats and used
is to sleep with their best friend. But my husband's best friend lives with
his mom and doesn't believe in showers. I think it would have been hurting myself
enough for me. I am. I'm actually. I'm the kind of woman that thinks
every erection is about me. You know what it means
that my husband will wake up with a boner and I'll be like, my God, I can't believe I did that. And he's having something to do with you. I was asleep and I'm like,
I was asleep too. This is my God. Imagine why I could do more. Like, I am so powerful. So yeah, we've been together for over ten years,
so we met before the act. So we met the old fashioned way. I think if people are dating on apps,
but a lot of my friends, they're worried they won't have a story to tell their kids
when they grow up about how they met me and my husband. So I'm lucky that we met
the old fashioned way. Three kids say they say, Mommy, Daddy,
how'd you meet me and say, mommy, daddy, the old fashioned way. And Mommy and daddy were at a party
and Mommy and Daddy eisma over the dance floor, and then Mommy went home
and fuck someone else the old fashioned way. A lovely little bedtime story,
cyber romantic. And I was single for a long time
before I met my husband, and I always thought that to be
a relationship, you have to be perfect. That's what I thought. I was someone to love you.
You have to be perfect. So I meet someone. They just pretend they are perfect. You know, I that crazy deep down. Yeah. That rabbit, that Wellington. It's got to keep you normal and good
yet again though a hole wherever you get. So what happens is one day you get married
and you're like, about sort of like the fuck? Well, I realized as I got into my thirties, I was married
and all my friends in the same situation. Now that you find out
your thirties get married, all your family is saying,
When are you going to have a baby? When are you going to have a baby? I realized that no, what is? My family was saying that to me. Like if anything, my mom was like,
No, that's like I'm I was like,
Some women are never ready. And I think the reason is I'm
a bit of a mess. I have a scientific reason. I got diagnosed
with something called dyspraxia. I didn't if you know that it
basically affects your speech the way it is, your coordination,
your thinking can be a bit confused. And I found that I had it
because I was at dinner with my family and my sister said, Have you? I was watching embarrassing bodies
last night and I think you might have the same
thing as the woman on it. I was like, They got us into it. You want to hear it? So I had to get tested for it and I was so nervous
and worked up on this test and what it meant
and Professor was coming to my house. The test minutes can take all afternoon. I got so worked up to open the door to him
I just burst into tears and started crying.
This poor professor's face knows. I'm so sorry. Sort of this test where he does come
coming and I let him into the living room and I got my foot stuck in a ball, touch my foot stuck in a bowl
that I need to give me one final. I just get a bowl of my father. And then he was like, No,
thank you so much. Have you
you just I just five. I was stuck. I got it. I got it. So I was like, Cool. What does that mean? Don't worry. That's dyspraxia for your sort
and a bunch of morons. And some people,
very few of them really affect their luck. But some people
that's looking for an excuse. It was this one woman that could Sheila. She was a highlight. I don't know if it's a dyspraxia thing,
but it really burns when I pee. Do you think that, you know, is it a heavy weekend to go down to graduation does give it to that stupid. So the diagnosis out early
to make sense of a lot of my life. You know I lived in chaos,
particularly when I was single. I once went home with this guy Brian,
that's trying to really together be normal because I liked him. His first time I went home with him, we went back and he went to take off
my skirt and I was like, Yeah, come over. And then he went, Take off my pants. And that's when I realized
I'd be put on two pairs of pants instead of the first pair. And then I was just like, my God, He's like, Whatever she's hiding,
it could be for good reason. He just went to sleep. This different guy. Let's go back. I know my room was such a mess,
but we got into bed and he found in my bed a high visibility jacket. I didn't know what he thought. You know how
some people are turned on by danger? You know, I'm bath by safety club. Okay. I was standing outside my show last week and there's queue of people
waiting to see me. And one of them was wearing this guy was
wearing a jumper saying Harvard. no, I don't know. He went to Harvard.
They're going to be for me. And so I said to her,
Did you go to Harvard? And she said, No. And you go to Harvard
and now my crowd, the people that buy a jump of 279 tonight from H&M
that says Harvard, they're my people. They owned this dinner party recently
in front of all these really smart people. And if it was asking
the smart people questions and was asking about climate change
and dark matter and pretending to listen, and then it got to me. Now, have you do you have any questions? You've always wanted to know
the answer to that. Yes, this is my moment. Okay. Sperm can swim. Why does it come this? You got to use your brain to this one,
everybody. Yeah, she she on TV and it's like, Whoa. And then it comes out
and it's like, splat. What is it doing behind our back? We've all seen the film Flubber. Yeah. What are you doing here? It's a classic. Two years ago, I had to grow up
because I found out I was having a baby. So I was like,
What do you do when you're growing up? I had to get life insurance. That's a grown up thing
you do. You get life insurance. Think about the future. I looked into it right
and get so much money, it's fucking nuts. You get a quarter of £1,000,000. If I was to die, that would be the worst
day of my husband's life. I can doubt the love of his life. The mother of his child who just died,
that he would be able to help it. Right.
Have one moment. We're just like, Whoa, I won the fucking lottery. It's so for that reason, I didn't get it. So I would rather my newborn
baby went without them. My husband had that joy about that. Yeah. Having a baby was a big decision,
but very big decision. Not the biggest decision I'll ever make. That's whether I'll get a friend or not. As a long term, I'm going to think. I think people make it quite stressful. The thought of having children,
people really pay it down. Michelle Obama said this year
that she hated Barack for the first ten years of her marriage,
and Barack Obama and her husband. I did that, she said. She said it because she wanted to give people hope,
but I don't think she realized that that actually took away all hope
because we're not married to Barack Obama. Right. Because if my husband's busy, it's
because he's having a nap. If Barack was busy,
he was in the Octagon or whatever. You know, it's a different thing. It's different people have asked me
when I knew that I wanted to have a baby. And the truth is,
it was the night that my cat died it up because I love that cat so much. I love that cat more than certain
family members. Maybe not my husband, but like my Uncle Ben and I cried
that panic tears from my face. My uncle has never done that to date to be careful what you do. It. Anyway, I got back from
the vet was so sad, but my dead cat and I couldn't
stop crying this magical evening. It just started snowing and I looked down
at my phone up in checking my periods, and I knew that I could get pregnant
that night. And then the soul, if my cat could
get reincarnated into my baby watch. And I told my husband that
and he refused to have sex with me when I had a baby. I think. And so I knew I would need to have a baby,
but I knew that I didn't want a boy. And you're not going to say that, right? You mean to say, I don't care
about the gender as long as it's healthy? But the truth is,
I would rather go with a lip. And I know that gender
is a construct, right? I just think that toxic male energy
I happily would have taken a little boy with hay fever and just love that easy boy. If anyone had been pregnant recently. Give me a chair and a baby recently. Did you like being pregnant? Yes. Fuck you. Yes. I get so happy for you fucking ups. I just found it. A load of things you can't do, right? You can't drink,
you can't go bowling cozies. You can't do drugs in moderation. And it's just advice, just yourself,
you know? No, I shouldn't do that. Anyway, I get a rush. I experimented
a little bit on my twenties, and I've always been that really strange. Like I once got home from this party
and I was really wide and couldn't sleep and I was like,
I know I had contact with the guy at the local shop
because I was friends with him. Lucky him. I got there and I was like, really? Well, it's not ideal, but if we don't
get married by the time of the 40, we should marry each other. And he was like, I'm 62
and this is my wife's tragedy. I found the advice
and I was pregnant so patronizing. Well, I read this book and they were like, No, you have to eat really healthy
and I think of the baby all the time. If you do accidentally eat half a pizza,
go to bed, wake up the next day. And it's a new day
because that half a picture I never seen half the picture in my life. Give me time to read half the pictures
when I've eaten my own picture. And they said to my husband,
You can finish that. And I'm so worried about my body changing. And I think all the celebs make it
so difficult because they're like, I had worked so hard to get my pre-pregnancy body back at work,
so I didn't even recognize myself after the baby. What I realized is that my body didn't
really change the key. It's a bit of a garbage body before has, I mean, double chin, a wobbly tummy. She's also 13. I'm got maybe say, say baby, you know, so because I already have a baby that you just go around, live your life,
just pissed yourself out of nowhere. You're so nervous. I was worried
and opened up to a friend of mine and she was like,
Hey, I've been on nights out. Did you picture satellites doing that? I was worried. Say, when you have a baby with vagina
and you also can become one, but like, that's a bad thing to know. I mean, I'm a busy lady. I don't have time for dinner
and and all. So. Got things to do, baby, to raise you vagina in your household become one. Is that some kind of fucked up
Spice Girl song? Isn't it horrible? It took me a while to fill up my self
again at this moment in the summer
where I just stopped breastfeeding and I went to this spa and I sat in the steam room alone
and I was like, you know what? I'm back. I feel good. And in that moment,
the door of the steam room opened and this woman peer did,
and the steam cleared. She looked at me and she went, Toni, I'm not fighting over the guy after me. So I guess it was total absolute spit hit, tiny, separated. But I do know what happened
that I don't know. It's difficult to be sexy,
but this specific sexy look is in there. It's like the Kardashians and the love island is swollen face,
swollen lips and swollen areas. And that's actually quite a good look for me because I have
a very allergic reaction to nuts. And so that looked to me
it's just been on an electric shock the be me Instagram and I've never been so beautiful it does it works in good way
so these allergies because I didn't have to do those
pelvic floor exercises you know eagles I don't have to do them because I just put
peanut butter on my vagina and it swells up in no time. It's great. It does, though. It attracts a lot of dogs and it's been a difficult couple of years. A lot of people got puppies. I have been tried by many dogs. Let me tell you. And I was like,
maybe I should get lip fillers. You know, I've got some friends
that have it. It's great. Then I read this article
and they were like, The idea behind
lip fillers is like it's lips to be big. They don't just beg to be tender,
but lip gloss on them. They look like a wet vagina
and they potential mates are like, I got this vagina on that woman's face immediately. But I found a more fun way to do it. But I just. I want to smoke lighter Cigarets. Yes, my lips is like a really rigorous all Yeah, I know what the boys want because the less they try to achieve
the kind that is this body shape they weren't born with the fact
that a place is an addictive other place. It's great, this cartoon
body shape that Jessica Rabbit. But I don't want to be Jessica Rabbit
out of a different cartoon. Yeah. And Minnie Mouse. Yes, honey girl. The fashions behind the massive high school. It takes a really small, massive, tiny dick slip. Go high school is Kim Kardashian said this year that she would eat poop
if it made it look younger. Gwyneth Paltrow is like getting something,
get a bucket and it's doing this. Okay. And I know that now you can change
how you look if you don't like it, if you have enough money or
you have a friend with a steady hand. And I think my
generation knew that was an option, right? I have a friend ten years younger
and she got a nose job. I said, Why did you get a nose job? And she said, I saw a picture of myself
and I didn't like how I looked. So I decided to change it. I do think my generation knew
that was an option. It said, You get ready for a night out,
look in the mirror, not like what you saw. Do you get on with it? You know, different approach, Different. That's a good mix crowd, man. So much for coming out this year. I discovered I had a nervous issue today. Never seen this many black people
at the conference. So they, like they said, they're like,
this is not what it looks like on Luis or you. Poor man. Detroit. you used to black people. What's your. He's rich, too. You could tell he's rich. He got no socks on. wow. Yeah. Yeah. On the people that don't wear socks
is the rich white guys, the Dominicans? Yeah. Yeah, you do. Got a little bit of a yacht Face was the last time you were on a boat,
sir. It's been a while while, like, a couple weeks ago week. This just your wife,
your girl, your sidekick. Who's this lovely lady? my wife, motherfucker. Yeah. Don't look topside. You could not make it out tonight. How long you been married? Seven, seven years. Kids. Kids? Why, kid? Well, that's a lot of pulling out the job while you pull up. But those kids I staple, I even when I jerk off,
I stay in practice like fucking. So that moved on, like. And I. You want pull it. don't point at me
You're still play that thing you want to pull out, you do what you do. Well you put some pictures on some bad ass
kiss on her back goodbye. fuck those kids. Everybody's like, Only
you put your niece and nephew on the bed. No, no, no. They go kids unabashedly fuck those kids. Well, yeah. We're young ladies from.
Thanks for coming. sure. they took the ferry to get more. Yeah. What time was that? Last Friday. You got to get out of here. So now it runs all night. Does it run all night? 24 hours. Every half hour. Every half hour. nice, Nice. You from Staten Island, too?
Because you seem upset about it. Yeah, she seems happy about it. She told me I was from Brooklyn. Now I was born in Brooklyn. No, I was born in Brooklyn. Boutin, who's not from America,
by the way. Who's not from America? wow. Wow. Where in the bay
Put all the immigrants in the back? I was like, Wow. So where are you from? Germany. Motherfucking Germany? Yeah. All the Jews pay attention. German. This is I'll joke
after you apologize about that thing not too long ago. I go sit in the back, buddy. What part of Germany you from? he's taking a bite of his food.
I'm sorry to say it right now. Right now say. Well, mind you, you say nigger. Why? What the fuck? This table seems absurd. Everybody got their mask.
That was my choice. Nobody except for that guy right there. But that's the black. You got their mask on, then? Amber. Becky, whatever her white name is. Julie Stacey. Samantha said Tara and Marisol,
we massa Marcus. Although that's a black guy,
that means disrespect. You like that?
What's your white name? Rebecca, Claire. Claire. Wow. Wow, wow. Down she went. She went super white waters. She's like,
they're doing little white names. I'm gonna see old school clam on the fucking next to Mary. Where are you from, Claire? Somewhere white. Connecticut, Utah and Pittsburgh. yes. you point to Pittsburgh. my God. Wow. Wow. He's far as well. Pittsburgh is. yeah. She got sad. I know. It's cold out here. You remind her
that she's from Pittsburgh. Yeah. The steel industry didn't make it. There's a lot of you know.
What about Pittsburgh? A lot of bridges. That's all that's on them. Targeted you some sometimes,
but not jokes. That applies. Yeah. That's a well-rounded show. Yeah. How about you all at the same table? The opposite of very white, Very black. I know this is San Diego. You from San Diego? shit. You in the Navy? No. You so crack two guys in the Navy. I want to know what that mean. The big naval base in San Diego. He knows what I'm talking about. And your. Your wife, your girl, your sidekick. Why? Why? Why, why? Why? like all the women clapping. Yeah. Yes, they represent. She tell him to say that ship now in which order? she got a split personality. yeah. Yeah. Okay. Nice talking to you. So, listen, if you don't fucking laugh and it goes
dead, we're going to edit that shit out. So I don't give a fuck what you do. They think they. They think they stopping us. Snip snip paid on me. Are you giving someone a very sick to me? man, It's all right. Let's just. Just die. The man. All right. Have some fun. Take this real quick. This house has got something. It's got here with Ernie with the birthday
nightshirt. Yeah. So where are you from? Sorry, to Rica. shit. You got a British accent? Costa Rica is Costa Rica. Puerto vida. Pura vida. What does that mean? What does that mean? You Puerto Rican? I don't speak Spanish. you Puerto Rican from the Bronx? Yeah, I'm Bronx. Puerto Rican. I just. I just heard somebody
say that once a here in life. But it's a way of the way of living
pretty much over there. Pure life. Yeah, well,
I don't know what that means. They. So that's what a cocaine is. These are the that many of the way it condemns your life for what you hear would be knock on your mind
calling or something as and when he calls he says for this navidad I'm sorry, these jokes are very racist. I apologize. I was not prepared for Costa Rica
talking to us. This German guy is at the wrong show. You upset, sir. His odds, of course, is
this is not what I paid for. So look to make you feel good. Relax. I'm really white. This birthmark, does that happen? Well, yeah. sorry. You can't sit like that on the subway
in New York City. That's called man spreading. This guy has been very impressive
all out on Broadway. Yo, I want to
show my goddamn German balls. Well, who are these three ladies right
here? Hi, ladies. Well, hi. This is Charlie's Angels. Hi. What's up? Are you here for us, or did you just
wander into the Comedy Cellar? Well. fuck. Well, I don't know. I'm like that. I just think three lonely ass white girls
who's out there begging the shit? Well. Well, you just got sex trafficked. So welcome to the show. This is our friend Franny. She's Mexican. She's the tallest Mexican. I know. Yeah, Yeah. No, real quick. They're not going to see this
on the album. Standing up. Look at him. Wow. Yeah, yeah, wow. I didn't know you was a mexican Daisy
Dukes. That's crazy. shoot. That's a father's pass. I. Father, this is great. I'll tell you my COVID story. Okay. I think you guys can can can,
can can handle it. I got COVID. It. Not now. Sorry. That's. That's relevant. I got COVID last year. I got COVID from my girlfriend
who got it from a guy who sexually assaulted her. Yeah, that'll change the room. And it is very irresponsible of her. I mean, we're in a pandemic, guys. Don't you fuckin close up on me now. We have gone so far. You. You don't do it now. Thank you. Three people laughing
from from the beginning who, like, I hope there's comedy at this IHOP
tonight. And then, like, 90,000 other people. do we choose now to not commit to. Don't, don't, don't. Don't laugh extra hard now. You lost. You missed her. You missed your time. This is what happened. All right. I want to share with you guys
how this happened. Okay. I was performing last November
and in Grand Junction, Colorado. And when I was on stage, there was a guy
who was in the back of the showroom who was belligerently and drunkenly
shouting out and interrupting the show. My fiancee, then girlfriend,
politely goes over to the table to ask the guy if he wouldn't mind
being quiet when she gets to the table. The guy grabs her ass, pulls her mask down and kissed her. Now, this happened during the show in the back of the room,
so I was unaware that it was happening. When the show ended,
the audience cleared out. I gone off stage
to find my girlfriend in tears. She told me that after the exchange,
she says she had to step outside, cry, try to collect herself
because she was very upset. And I was also very upset. She missed my show. I was I was so good that night. Now we drove to that gig. We drove back. We wore masks the entire time. And he was the only person
either of us had come in contact with. A week later to the day, we both wake up
and we've got COVID symptoms, diarrhea all over the bed and the sheets and the pillows. I think she had some symptoms as well, but it sucked. It was it really sucked. It was a situation
that went from bad to worse in a week. It's like when a girl gets pregnant and then a week later she calls you
and is like, I'm going to keep it. You're like, No, this is not my week. But we never got to confront that guy. We never did. And we didn't
get closure on the situation. And I really I really realized
after it had happened that, you know, it was making me so angry. I was building resentment
for the situation. That was something
that didn't even happen to me. And I wasn't even upset just because
it had happened to my girlfriend, but it had happened to a person,
to a woman who deserves to have her space respected. And it wasn't. And so because that it happened, I realized that I started fantasizing
about what it was
that I could get to do to that guy, provided I ever had the opportunity. And I want to share with you my fantasy. Let's just say it's that night I get off stage,
my girlfriend tells me what happens. I'm furious. I start walking over to the table. I've. I've. I've. I've got my shirt off and I've got muscles now. Why are you laughing? I go over to her, go over to the table. I say to the guy, Hey, man, you the guy who sexually assaulted my girlfriend
and you know the guy he hit? He'd turn around and he say something
douchey, like, are we? We've got to get physical. Are we about to get fist? So the cool. At which point I leaned in real close. I'd pull his mask down and with his hand
I'd make him grab my balls and I'd go, How's this for a physical? And then I'd do his prostate. Call that a stimulus check. And then. And then he'd get my ass. Probably. But I'll be honest. I'll be honest. After that happened, my girlfriend
and I, we we. We were off. Our daughter dynamic was off, and I kept racking my brain
for how I could try to make it right. How I could make her just feel better. And I finally said, Babe, you were powerless in a situation where you felt violated and uncomfortable. What if in order to get the power back? What if you violate me and do something that makes me uncomfortable? So a few weeks later, unbeknownst to me, my girlfriend attached herself to a strap on. And in the middle of the night, while I was sleeping, she pegged me. We still have to find some
something that makes me uncomfortable.
