♪♪♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: YES! >> Stephen: HOW'S EVERYBODY? HOW'S EVERYBODY? I SEE YOU GUYS EVERY DAY. WE DON'T GET TO TALK MUCH. HOW'S EVERYBODY IN THE BAND
FEELING ABOUT THE FIRST WEEK BACK? >> GREAT. >> Stephen: IT'S LIKE LIFE
ITSELF, ISN'T IT? >> IT REALLY IS. >> Stephen: COULDN'T DO
WITHOUT YOU GUYS. YOU'RE THE ONLY REASON WHY WE'RE
HERE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Jon: PEOPLE REALLY MAKE IT HAPPEN. >> Stephen: SO SHOULD PROBABLY
KEEP DOING IT. >> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S IT. LET'S GET IT
>> STEPHEN: Y'KNOW, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME HARVESTING THE DAY'S
MOST TOPICAL MATCHA POWDER, CAREFULLY POLISHING THE NEWSIEST
CHAWAN TEA BOWL WITH A HEMP CLOTH, THEN ADDING THE PUREST
BOILED WATER COLLECTED FROM THE RIVER OF STORIES, TO STAGE THE
ELEGANT JAPANESE TEA CEREMONY THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, I CONVINCE A
TRUCK DRIVER TO GIVE ME A RIDE IN EXCHANGE FOR AN UNREGISTERED
GUN AND A HALF-EATEN CAN OF BEANS, HITCHHIKE TO THE SONORA
DESERT WITH NOTHING BUT AN OLD POT THAT I FILL WITH THE
NEWSPAPER I'VE BEEN USING FOR A BLANKET, AND THE SALVAGED
TOBACCO FROM SIDEWALK CIGARETTE BUTT, TO BREW FOR YOU, THE
NIGHTMARE HALLUCINATION-INDUCING FERMENTED AYAHUASCA SLURRY OF
NEWS THAT IS MY SEGMENT: (ECHOING)
>> MEANWHILE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: MEAN WHILE, AGING IS LIKE A FINE WINE, OR A RIPE
CHEESE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: MEANWHILE, RAPPER POST MALONE HAS UNVEILED A NEW
SMILE, COMPLETE WITH DIAMOND FANGS. SOUNDS COOL, BUT HE'S GOTTA
REMEMBER TO GET HIS ANNUAL CLEANING AT ZALES. ( LAUGHTER )
THE NEW CHOMPERS CAME WITH A PRICE TAG OF $1.6 MILLION. AND IF YOU'RE SHOCKED BY THAT,
LEMME ASK: WAS IT THE 'OVER' EYE TATTOOS, OR THE 'UNDER' EYE
TATTOOS THAT CONVINCED YOU THIS IS A MAN WHO MAKES RESPONSIBLE
CHOICES? ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, VIDEO IS GOING VIRAL OF THIS GLIDER PILOT WHO TOOK A
SELFIE WHILE FLYING AROUND A TORNADO. A GREAT LESSON FOR ALL YOU
ASPIRING PILOTS: IF YOU SEE A SWIRLING FUNNEL OF DEATH, BE
SURE TO GET AS CLOSE AS POSSIBLE FOR A SELFIE WHILE FLYING
ONE-HANDED IN YOUR TINY, WINGED COFFIN. ( LAUGHTER )
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) THAT'S KIND OF COOL. KIND OF COOL. MEANWHILE, SOME TROUBLE IN
FRANCE WHERE IKEA HAS BEEN FINED 1.1 MILLION EUROS FOR SPYING ON
ITS STAFF. THE STAFF REALIZED THE COMPANY
WAS SPYING ON THEM WHEN THE STORES HAD THEM ASSEMBLING ITS
NEWEST PRODUCT: THE PEEPERSLOOKEN. ( LAUGHTER )
EVERYBODY LOVES THAT. MEANWHILE, SALMA HAYEK'S OWL
COUGHED A RAT HAIRBALL ON HARRY STYLES. OWL WELL, WE ALL SAW 'THAT'
COMING. MEANWHILE, THE WORLD'S FIRST
WOODEN SATELLITE WILL LAUNCH THIS YEAR. IT WILL BE THE FIRST SATELLITE
TO BURN UP ON EXIT. ( LAUGHTER )
THEY'RE LAUNCHING IT IN ORDER TO TEST THE DURABILITY OF PLYWOOD
PANELS IN THE EXTREME CONDITIONS OF SPACE. AS THE ONE-TIME OWNER OF SEVERAL
IKEA ITEMS, I CAN TELL YOU THAT PLYWOOD PANELS CAN'T EVEN HANDLE
THE EXTREME CONDITIONS OF APARTMENT. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, SCARY NEWS FOR
PELOTON USERS: A NEW CYBER SECURITY THREAT ANALYSIS FOUND
THAT SOME PELOTON MACHINES HAVE A DANGEROUS FLAW THAT COULD
ENABLE HACKERS TO INVISIBLY AND REMOTELY GAIN CONTROL OF BIKES. THIS COULD BE BAD. (AS PELOTON INSTRUCTOR)
ALL RIGHT, YOU GUYS LET'S TAKE THE RESISTANCE UP TO 35. AND, JUST FOR KICKS, EVERYONE
SHOUT THEIR SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER. MARLENE P, YOU'RE LAGGING,
BETTER GIVE ME YOUR ACCOUNT AND ROUTING NUMBERS TOO. WOOHOOO! DO IT FOR YOU! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LOVE IT! CRANK IT UP! THE BIGGEST CONCERN WITH THIS
HACK IS THAT CRIMINALS COULD SPY ON USERS THROUGH THE BIKE'S
CAMERA AND MICROPHONE. WELL, I'VE DEVELOPED A
FOOL-PROOF PLAN TO STOP THIS FROM HAPPENING TO ME: USING MY
PELOTON ONLY TO HANG MY PANTS. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, TO MARK 4OO YEARS SINCE THE ORIGINAL CROSSING
A ROBOTIC SHIP HAS SET OFF TO RETRACE THE MAYFLOWER'S JOURNEY. SAID NATIVE AMERICANS: OH, GOOD. WE'RE DOING THIS AGAIN, BUT WITH
WIFI. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, OLYMPIC TRIALS ARE TAKING PLACE RIGHT NOW FOR THE
US NATIONAL SWIM TEAM, AND SWIMMER SIERRA SCHMIDT HAS GONE
VIRAL FOR HER SUPER ENTHUSIASTIC AND ELABORATE
PRERACE WARMUP ROUTINE TO WHATEVER IS IN HER HEADPHONES. GO GIRL! WARM UP LIKE NOBODY'S WATCHING! ( LAUGHTER )
WARMUPS GENERALLY INVOLVE THE SAME MOVEMENTS THE SPORT USES. SO I REALLY HOPE THAT'S NOT HOW
SHE ACTUALLY SWIMS. ( LAUGHTER )
(AS SPORTS COMMENTATOR) WELL, CHIP, SHE MAY HAVE COME IN
LAST BUT YOU GOTTA ADMIT, THAT WAS THE JAZZIEST DROWNING IN
OLYMPIC HISTORY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: I LOVE IT. I LOVE IT. MEANWHILE, THERE'S A NEW
VIRAL TIKTOK HACK THAT HELPS YOU EVENLY BUTTER YOUR MOVIE THEATER
POPCORN USING A STRAW. I'VE GOT AN EVEN BETTER HACK: IF
YOU HAVE MELTED BUTTER AND A STRAW --
(WHISPERS) YOU DON'T NEED THE POPCORN. WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH NATHAN
LANE. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
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