( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Stephen: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, "BRING IT ON HOME" WITH JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
THERE YOU GO! >> Jon: YEAH! >> Stephen: FOLKS --
UNBELIEVABLE. ♪ IF YOU EVER CHANGE YOUR MIND ♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY. FOLKS, IF YOU KNOW ME, YOU KNOW
THAT I LOVE DOGS. I SEE A LOT OF MYSELF IN THEM. I'M LOYAL, KIND, AND I WILL DO
ANYTHING FOR A PIECE OF BACON. AND THAT AFFINITY FOR DOGS IS
WHY I LOVE DOING MY SEGMENT: RESCUE DOG RESCUE, WHERE WE HELP
FIND HOMES FOR REAL RESCUE PUPPIES. I'M PROUD TO SAY THAT SO FAR WE
HAVE A PERFECT RECORD OF EVERY SINGLE DOG WE'VE EVER
FEATURED GETTING ADOPTED. AFTER THEIR APPEARANCE ON THIS
SHOW. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
IT'S FAR MORE SUCCESSFUL THAN OUR OTHER SEGMENT, ANYBODY WANT
A VULTURE? ( LAUGHTER )
NOW, THROUGHOUT THE PANDEMIC, THERE WAS A SURGE IN PEOPLE
ADOPTING PETS. BUT AS MORE PEOPLE HEAD BACK TO
WORK, SHELTERS ARE FILLING UP AGAIN. WHICH MEANS IT'S TIME FOR
ANOTHER EDITION OF RESCUE DOG RESCUE. ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME TO ANOTHER EDITION OF
RESCUE DOG RESCUE. HERE'S HOW SHE WORKS: WE'RE
ABOUT TO SHOW YOU SOME ADORABLE PUPPIES THAT ARE ACTUALLY UP FOR
ADOPTION THROUGH THE NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. AND TO MAKE SURE THESE DOGS FIND
A HOME, WE HAVE MADE UP FLATTERING LIES ABOUT THEM TO
MAKE YOU WANT TO ADOPT THEM EVEN MORE. NOW, IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME
CELEBRITY WILLING TO TAKE ON THE CHALLENGE OF FINDING THESE DOGS
FOOD AND SHELTER. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I'M SORRY, BUT DID SOMEBODY ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> I'M SORRY, BUT DID SOMEBODY SAY CELEBRITIES EATING DOG FOOD
CHALLENGE? >> Stephen: JASON SUDEIKIS,
NO, I DID NOT SAY THAT. >> OH THAT'S TOO BAD. ALWAYS WONDERED WHAT THAT WOULD
TASTE LIKE. SEE YA AROUND. >> STEPHEN: WAIT JASON SUDEIKIS
WHILE YOU'RE HERE, WOULD YOU BE WILLING TO HELP ME GET DOGS
ADOPTED BY TELLING SOME LIES? >> NOPE. THAT WAS MY FIRST LIE. >> Stephen: OH, HE'S GOOD! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> ALL RIGHT, LET'S DO THIS DOG AND PONY SHOW -- HOLD THE
PONIES! >> Stephen: ALL RIGHT. FIRST UP, THIS IS GORDON. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
GORDON IS SO SMART THAT HE RECENTLY WON THE JEOPARDY
TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS. EVEN BETTER, IN THE FINAL ROUND,
THE ANSWER WAS GORDON, AND THE QUESTION WAS WHO'S A GOOD LITTLE
BOY? THAT'S RIGHT, YOU ARE! >> ALL RIGHT. OH, BOY. I GOT YOU. IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY. IT'S ALL RIGHT. EASY. EASY. NEXT UP, THIS IS SCRUFFS. SCRUFFS IS ACTUALLY A GIFTED
PSYCHIC BUT WILL ONLY TELL YOU 'GOOD' THINGS THAT ARE GOING TO
HAPPEN TO YOU AND NOTHING ABOUT YOUR NEXT BOYFRIEND TRAVIS. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) >> STEPHEN: THIS IS BARTLEBY. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
SHE INVENTED THE ADD 30 SECONDS BUTTON ON THE MICROWAVE AND IS
NOW A MULTIBILLIONAIRE. ADOPT HER AND YOU'LL GET A TASTE
OF THE BACK END EVERY TIME SOMEONE DEFROSTS A BURRITO. ALL RIGHT, CALM DOWN, FELLAS. CALM DOWN. ( APPLAUSE )
>> WE'RE BOTH NERVOUS. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT. >> THIS HERE IS TED LASSIE. ( LAUGHTER )
>> YEAH, YEAH. YOU GET IT, RIGHT? >> Stephen: YES. HE IS A RARE BREED KNOWN
WORLDWIDE AS A POOVER, WHICH IS A COMBINATION
POODLE AND HOOVER. SO WHEN SHE DRAGS HER BUTT ON
THE CARPET, IT ACTUALLY GETS CLEANER. ( APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY. SAY HI TO PEBBLES. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
SHE'S A VERY AFFECTIONATE PUP. ALSO, DUE TO A CLERICAL ERROR AT
THE VATICAN, PEBBLES IS TECHNICALLY A CATHOLIC SAINT. ( LAUGHTER )
DOES THAT MEAN YOU'LL GO TO HEAVEN? ADOPT HER AND FIND OUT OR DON'T
AND ROLL THE BONES. ( LAUGHTER )
>> ALL RIGHT. COME HERE. OH, BOY! IT'S OKAY. COME ON. COME ON. >> THERE RIGHT HERE -- YEAH, I'M
WITH YOU. THIS IS STARLA. STARLA ONCE SAW DAVID SCHWIMMER
BUY ONE OF THOSE BIG PRETZELS AT AN AIRPORT. BETTER YET, SHE KNOWS IT'S NOT A
GOOD STORY AND NEVER BRINGS IT UP. ( APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: THIS IS SENATOR RUFFKINS. HE IS AN ACTUAL U.S. SENATOR. BUT IN THESE DIVIDED TIMES,
SENATOR RUFFKINS DOESN'T SEE RED STATES OR BLUE STATES. HE SEES ONLY GREY STATES BECAUSE
HE IS A DOG. ( LAUGHTER )
>> YEP. ALL RIGHT. HERE YOU GO, BUDDY. YES! >> Stephen: OH, LORD. COME ON. >> THIS IS DR. BRUCE GOLDFARB. HE'S A PHYSICIAN WHO GRADUATED
TOP OF HIS CLASS AT HARVARD MEDICAL. HE HAS A PERFECT RECORD OF
CURING ALL THE PATIENTS HE MEETS. I'M SORRY, I MISREAD THAT: OF
EATING ALL HIS PATIENT'S CURED MEATS. SORRY ABOUT THAT. SORRY, DOCTOR. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> STEPHEN: MEET JANGLES. SHE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND THE
PREMISE OF THIS BIT AND THINKS IT'S A CUTTHROAT REALITY
COMPETITION CALLED THE BEST BITCH. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'VE EXPLAINED IT TO HER MANY TIMES BUT SHE KEEPS SAYING SHE'S
NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS AND THESE OTHER DOGS GOTTA GO. >> YEP. YEAH, THAT'S TRUE. >> Stephen: WELL, THAT DOES IT
FOR THE RESCUE. HEAD TO THE LATE SHOW'S WEBSITE:
COLBERTLATESHOW.COM FOR INFO ON HOW TO ADOPT THESE
DOGS FROM NORTH SHORE ANIMAL LEAGUE AMERICA. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH JASON
SUDEIKIS.
