♪♪♪♪♪♪ ♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY! WELCOME BACK! GIVE IT UP FOR JON BATISTE AND
"STAY HUMAN"! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: JON, YOU AND THAT BAND ARE THE GREATEST
ANTI-DEPERESSENT I KNOW. YOU CANNOT BE DOWN LISTENING TO
Y'ALL PLAYING! >> Jon: YOU'VE GOT TO FEEL
GOOD! >> Stephen: YOU GUYS OUGHT TO
BE BOTTLED. >> Jon: YOU GOT TO FEEL GOOD
IN THIS LIFE, BABY! LET'S GO! >> Stephen: YOU KNOW, I SPEND
A LOT OF TIME SHUCKING FOR YOU THE DAY'S MOST
TOPICAL CLAMS, BONING THE FINEST, MOST CURRENT NEWS
CHICKENS, AND COLLECTING THE HIGHEST QUALITY STORY SHRIMP
AND SAFFRON RICE, THEN GENTLY SIMMERING IT ALL IN A CAST-IRON
COMEDY PAI-YERA, TO CREATE THE FRAGRANT SEAFOOD PAELLA THAT
IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, I
SHAMBLE DOWN TO THE DOCKS WITH A RUSTY CROWBAR, MANEUVER THROUGH
THE POLLUTED CANAL USING A MCDONALD'S STRAW AS A SNORKEL,
AND SCRAPE THE BARNACLES OFF A PASSING GARBAGE SCOW, TOSS 'EM
IN A POT WITH SOME HALF-USED RAMEN FLAVOR PACKETS AND
MOUNTAIN DEW, TO BREW FOR YOU THE CHUNKY STEW OF NEWS THAT IS
MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
♪♪ ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
LOOK AT THAT. WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT! WHEN YOU LEAST EXPECT IT! MEANWHILE, NEW YORK CITY IS
BACK, BABY! ON SATURDAY, "SPRINGSTEEN ON
BROADWAY" BECAME THE FIRST FULL-LENGTH SHOW TO TAKE THE
STAGE SINCE THE COVID-19 PANDEMIC SHUT IT ALL DOWN! YES, HOP ON A DOWNBOUND TRAIN TO
THE LAND OF HOPES AND DREAMS BECAUSE THE BOSS IS ON FIRE AND
HAS A HUNGRY HEART TO RETURN TO HIS GLORY DAYS IN A SHOW THAT
WAS BORN TO RUN. NEBRASKA! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF ) >> Stephen: SLIGHTLY
SUSPICIOUS, THOUGH, THAT BRUCE IS DOING THIS JUST
WEEKS AFTER "THE LATE SHOW." AND A TRIUMPHANT RETURN TO
BROADWAY WOULDN'T BE THE FIRST IDEA BRUCE STOLE FROM ME. BACK IN THE DAY, HE ALSO RIPPED
OFF MY SIGNATURE LOOK. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, IN LIGHTER NEWS, A NEW STUDY HAS FOUND THAT THE
AGING PROCESS IS UNSTOPPABLE. YES. I AM AWARE. ACCORDING TO THE STUDY, DESPITE
ALL OUR RESEARCH INTO GENOMICS AND A.I., HUMANS CANNOT SLOW THE
RATE AT WHICH THEY GET OLDER BECAUSE OF BIOLOGICAL
CONSTRAINTS. THEN, FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEONE
TELL THAT TO PAUL RUDD! THAT'S 52? I WILL CAPTURE YOU AND STEAL
YOUR MAGIC BEANS, YOU WARLOCK! ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, MICROSOFT ANNOUNCED THEY WILL RELEASE THE XBOX
SERIES X MINI FRIDGE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON. WHAT DO THOSE WORDS MEAN
( LAUGHTER ) APPARENTLY, THEY MEAN THIS:
( ACTION MUSIC ) APPARENTLY, THEY MEAN THIS:
( ACTION MUSIC ) HOPEFULLY, THIS WILL BE A MORE
SUCCESSFUL GAMING-PLATFORM-SLASH-HOUSEHOLD-
APPLIANCE CROSSOVER THAN THE OCCULUS
TOASTER. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) THAT WAS PAINFUL. SLIGHTLY PAINFUL. >> Jon: THEY COME OUT SO
CRISPY! >> Stephen: MEANWHILE,
CONGRATULATIONS TO GIANT PANDAS RI RI AND SHIN
SHIN, WHO JUST GAVE BIRTH TO TWIN CUBS AT A TOKYO ZOO. MAZEL TOV TO THE NEW MOTHER! IF YOU WANT TO GET THEM A GIFT,
THE PANDAS ARE REGISTERED AT BED, BATH AND BAMBOO. ( LAUGHTER )
PANDA BOINKING IS RARE. IN FACT, THE COITUS THAT LED TO
THESE TWINS WAS THE FIRST AFTER A FOUR-YEAR HIATUS. COME ON, MAKES SENSE. I KNOW I HAVE A HARD TIME
PERFORMING WHEN A THIRD GRADE FIELD TRIP IS WATCHING ME
THROUGH PLEXIGLASS. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) ( APPLAUSE )
MEANWHILE, "THE U.K. WILL BAN JUNK FOOD ADVERTISING ONLINE AND
BEFORE 9:00 P.M. ON TV STARTING IN 2023." OH, NO! NOW HOW WILL THE ENGLISH LEARN
ABOUT BRITISH SNACKS LIKE RASPBERRY BLIMEYS; MALT VINEGAR
FANNY PRATS; TANGERINE JAMMY NANS: CHOCOLATE COBBLY WOBBLES;
LEMON CHEEKIES; JELLIED WONKY DIMPLES; SLIPPERY GINGER
KNACKERS; SOUR BOGGY SHAMBLES; MARZIPAN CHUMBLEY WUMBLES; AND
PEPPERMINT STICKY CHAVVY KNOBS? ( LAUGHTER )
I ASSUME I MADE UP SOME OF THOSE. ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, "THE GUARDIAN" RECENTLY ASKED "IS CARA
DELEVINGNE'S VAGINA TUNNEL THE START OF SOMETHING BIG?"
I DUNNO. ( LAUGHTER )
BUT IT'S THE START OF ME ASKING "WHAT IS CARA DELEVINGNE'S
VAGINA TUNNEL?" TURNS OUT, DELEVINGNE JUST GAVE
A TOUR OF HER L.A. HOME TO "ARCHITECTURAL DIGEST" WHERE SHE
HIGHLIGHTED A UNIQUE FEATURE. >> SO, THIS IS MY VAGINA TUNNEL. SHALL I GO THROUGH? I'M GOING TO GO THROUGH. OH, GOD. AND THEN YOU'RE INSIDE. DO YOU WANT TO COME IN, ALFIE? COME ON, BABY. I COME IN HERE TO THINK. I COME IN HERE TO CREATE. I FEEL INSPIRED IN THE VAGINA
TUNNEL. >> STEPHEN: MUST BE NICE TO HAVE
ENOUGH SPACE FOR YOUR OWN VAGINA TUNNEL. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF ) CAUGHT A GLIMPSE OF THE PHOTO. ( LAUGHTER )
CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE. ( LAUGHTER )
CAUGHT ME BY SURPRISE. IN NEW YORK, YOU'RE LUCKY IF
THERE'S A SHARED VAGINA TUNNEL FOR THE WHOLE BUILDING. OF COURSE, IT'S NOT REALLY A
TUNNEL UNLESS IT LEADS SOMEWHERE, WHICH IT DOES! TAKE A LOOK. >> SO, I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU
WHERE THIS LOVELY LABIA LEADS. SEE YOU THERE. OH, GOD, LEO. WATCH OUT. ♪♪
OH, MY GOSH. >> STEPHEN: THE EXIT IS A DRYER
DOOR! PRO TIP: ALWAYS CLEAN OUT YOUR
VAGINA TUNNEL'S LINT TRAP. IT'S A REAL FIRE HAZARD. ( LAUGHTER )
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH TRANSPORTATION SECRETARY, MAYOR
PETE BUTTIGIEG. ♪♪
I loved when he lost it after seeing the picture of the vagina tunnel lol