♪♪
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!
WELCOME BACK! THAT'S JON BATISTE AND "STAY
HUMAN" RIGHT THERE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪ >> Jon: WHOO! WOO-HOO! >> Stephen: HEY! HELLO, JON. HELLO, EVERYBODY OVER THERE. MY GOODNESS. MY GOODNESS. JON, VERY EXCITED. SARA PAULSON IS ON HERE TONIGHT. >> Jon: YEAH. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>> Stephen: AWARD-WINNING, BRILLIANT, KNOCK-DOWN, DRAG-OUT
BRILLIANT ACTRESS IS HERE AND ONE OF MY FAVORITE ARTISTS,
KACEY MUSGRAVES, IS HERE TONIGHT, HAS A NEW DOCUMENTARY
AND A NEW ALBUM. I CAN'T WAIT TO TALK TO HER. BUT IN THE MEANTIME,
YOU KNOW, FOLKS, I SPEND A LOT OF TIME CRAFTING FOR YOU A
BESPOKE PLAYLIST OF THE DAY'S BIGGEST STORIES, METICULOUSLY
SELECTING THE MOST TOPICAL CHAKRA-AFFIRMING SCENTED
CANDLES, AND USING FENG SHUI TO PERFECTLY ALIGN THE JOKE ENERGY
IN THE EXCLUSIVE BOUTIQUE YOGA RETREAT THAT IS MY MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES, SOMETIMES, FOLKS,
I GO TO THE DUMPSTER BEHIND THE WAFFLE HOUSE AT 3:00 IN THE
MORNING, TAKE OFF MY SHIRT, COVER MYSELF IN USED FRY OIL,
WRAP MY HANDS IN SOME OLD DUCT TAPE I STOLE FROM A BROKEN CAR
WINDOW, THEN POUND A SIX-PACK OF BLUEBERRY HARD SELTZER AND A
SACK OF PILLS I STOLE FROM A PARKED AMBULANCE, THEN
ARM-WRESTLE A RACCOON IN THE BACK ALLEY VISION QUEST OF NEWS
THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "MEANWHILE!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) MEANWHILE, YOU MAY RECALL THAT
EARLIER THIS YEAR, RAPPER LIL UZI VERT GOT A NEARLY 11-CARAT
DIAMOND PIERCED INTO HIS FOREHEAD "WORTH $24 MILLION." OF COURSE, THE FOREHEAD IS A
DELICATE AREA, SO THE DIAMOND WAS IMPLANTED THROUGH A
COMPLICATED MEDICAL PROCEDURE KNOWN AS "HEAD-BUTTING A TROLL
DOLL'S BELLY BUTTON." WELL, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
BELIEVE THIS, BUT IT MAY HAVE BEEN A BAD IDEA, BECAUSE LIL UZI
VERT SAYS HIS FOREHEAD DIAMOND GOT RIPPED OUT BY FANS. I'M GOING TO GO OUT ON A LIMB
AND SAY: ONCE SOMEONE HAS TORN A PRECIOUS GEM OUT OF YOUR FACE,
THEY NO LONGER COUNT AS A "FAN." "SORRY I'M LATE, THIS GUY ON THE
SUBWAY PUNCHED ME IN THE EAR AND STOLE MY WALLET. WHAT CAN I SAY? PEOPLE LOVE MY WORK!"
( LAUGHTER ) MEANWHILE, CAPYBARAS ARE WAGING
CLASS WAR IN ARGENTINA. THESE GIANT RODENTS ARE WAGING
CLASS WAR. KARL MARX PREDICTED IT:
"THE RULING CLASS MAY OWN THE MEANS OF PRODUCTION, BUT THE
PROLETARIAT OWNS THE GIANT PIG RATS! ATTACK, MY PRETTIES! ATTACK!"
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) KIND OF CUTE. >> KIND OF CUTE. AND THIS IS NO MINOR INVASION. THIS IS A LOT OF RODENTS. GIANT RODENTS. LOOK AT THOSE FLUFFY CRITTERS
MARAUDING. THIS IS THE CUTEST, MOST
TERRIFYING ANIMAL INVASION SINCE THE HITCHCOCK CLASSIC, "DIAL 'M'
FOR MARMOT." ( LAUGHTER )
MEANWHILE, TO CELEBRATE THOSE AFFLICTED WITH HAIR LOSS, THE
FIRST EVER BALD FEST IS DUE TO TAKE PLACE IN NEW YORK CITY. WELL, THAT'S NICE. THAT'S LOVELY. BUT TO BE CLEAR-- THERE'S
ALREADY A BALD FEST. IT'S CALLED "THE FAST AND THE
FURIOUS" CAST PARTY. ( LAUGHTER )
WHEN WE COME BACK, AMERICA GETS A MESSAGE FROM A TREASURED
CHILDHOOD FRIEND. STICK AROUND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
♪♪
Son como tribbles.
Bueno gracias a National Geographic, pense que los capybaras solo existian en las junglas del amazonas y eran como conejitos ajaja.