Marriage | "What You Were Never Told" - Touré Roberts

father thank you so much for this moment that you blessed all of us to be in I thank you God for your word it's a lamp into our feet into light into our path and I thank you God for the spirit of wisdom and revelation and insight and knowledge and full access to heavens resources to be a blessing to your people and I decree upfront that we're gonna be much better going out than we were upon coming in in Jesus name Amen amen anybody better already since you've been at this conference you just you're getting tools and perspectives and insights and breakthroughs and and you know in this last session I gotta tell you I just really sense that God was was saving marriages literally saving come on somebody I mean he I just felt that you could just tell when there is a radical shift the directional shift the trajectory of of a marriage and a relationship was changing as a result of what took place so many wonderful things I think God for for this conference for it for any marriage conference because marriages is so critical it's everything and you get on the wrong side of a marriage and it can be the most depressing thing that you've ever experienced and so anytime you you see leaders that want to pour into two couples and in two marriages best believe that there is a blessing in the building anybody believe that there's a blessing this is holy ground and I want to add to that a little bit and and you know when I think about marriage and there for me it's absolutely incredible I mean my wife is my best friend and I'm so much better because of her I mean I mean you think about the gift of marriage companionship forever love forever all of the things that that marriage brings all the gifts of marriage but but there is a gift an overlooked and often overlooked gift of marriage that I want to talk about today and quite possibly it is the greatest gift of marriage and that gift is who you get to become in the process of being marriage married what if what if the greatest gift in marriage was not love what if it wasn't the fact that you have a life partner but what if the greatest gift of marriage is what marriage causes to be produced on the inside of you what what if marriage was about becoming who you and I have the privilege to become because of this unique thing called marriage what if it was something that we were becoming that we couldn't become in any other context other than marriage and that's what I want to submit to you today if you're taking notes write this down marriage is an institution of transformation marriage is an institution of transformation one things that I've learned about God is that God not only wants you to be saved they want you to be whole that that's what he came for he came to save you but he also came to to make you whole there's a passage in Scripture it says for this purpose the Son of God was manifest that he might destroy the works plural of the devil and that's kind of heavy because what does it mean to destroy the work plural of the devil I can see if he said to destroy the work of the devil the sin that makes sense but the works what it means my word says works have to do with the residual impact of sin so we get saved and our soul is good we cept Jesus Christ we're going to heaven we're good to go but there's still damage the way we see things the way we engage how we trust people or oftentimes how we cannot trust and so God not only wants us to be saved but he wants us to be everything that he created us to be and one of the things that God uses to develop us to grow us is this wonderful thing called marriage are you tracking with me if you look at God's strategy marriage is one of God's strategy to produce the best us the best version of ourselves think about it God creates man in His image and then he immediately he creates the one relationship that challenges us to grow unlike any other relationship there's no relationship on the planet that demands growth quite like marriage if you take a notes write this down you can't have a strong marriage without a strong you you can't have a strong marriage without a strong you you can't have a whole marriage without a whole you a healthy marriage requires a healthy you it all boils down to what I like to call the you factor the you factor is a critical factor in marriage and here's the good news a god-ordained marriage is designed to produce strong you so how does this development take place let's talk about it if you look at proverbs 17:17 there is a truth hidden right there in that text that I believe shows us how God uses marriage the marriage relationship to produce a version of ourselves that we would not be able to get to otherwise let's get to it it says a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for adversity so you're looking at that right now and you're saying touré I don't see anything at all about marriage and this text well let me break down some of these words for you so it will help you out when it says that word that was translated friend when it says a friend loves at all times it's not talking about a close friend it's talking about an associate someone that you are loosely acquainted with right but somebody on your job for example right it's easy to love somebody that you are loosely associated with you don't have to go home with them you don't have to balance a budget with them come on somebody you you don't have to deal with what some of the things that you have to deal with there's some people right now but to be honest with you that the only reason why you're connected to them is because you work at the same place if you take away that opportunity to me your calendar you just sync each day because you work together if you took that away you guys wouldn't even be friends so this this this pastors look so it says a friend which is an associate loves at all times but a brother it says and a brother is born for adversity that word brother it can mean brother but it really means a close relative it is a widely used phrase so it means somebody that you're actually in close proximity with so this text is really about dealing with proximity and what takes place with varying degrees of proximity stay with it it's gonna get real sweet for you in one level of proximity that is the associate level of proximity relationship is easy it's easy to be your friend when you know I see you at the grocery store and you're my favorite teller or whatever it's easy we meet at the gym and all of a sudden man he's so great she's so great but you don't even know them you haven't spent time with him you haven't seen any other aspect of dynamic of their lives and so so it's easy to love them and that word love doesn't ring like deep love it's not that that type of love it means life so so so it's easy to like someone that you are that you are loosely associated with it says but a brother or this close relative it says is born for adversity is born in other words the purpose of this close relative it is purpose watch this to be confrontational at times I got and practice the purpose and this can relate since that word literally means close relative certainly a spouse is a close relative which means that watch this confrontation in marriage is ordained oh i'ma get to know you you don't catch it just a second somebody's saying that's what it is it's ordained and we're gonna unpack that we're gonna pack it because here is the thing nothing worthwhile is shaped by ease nothing worthwhile is shaped by ease a marriage is the one relationship where two people have to come together and there is something in that coming together that exposes things about you that you would never see single that you would never see by yourself one of the greatest blessings of marriage is what it reveals to you about you and how it forces you to stretch and to grow and to become are we tracking together and so it's in this this close proximity not the associate proximity you don't you don't grow there but it's in this close proximity of marriage we're shaping begins to take place a person it says a friend loves at all times and a brother is is born for adversity didn't that's kind of heavy to me he's born and that were born interestingly enough has the idea of to act as a midwife so if you keep staring at this pass as it basically says that a person that you are loosely related to loosely involved and you just you just associated with you at all times but but there's someone who is born to be confrontational in your life that just so happens to be a close relative and that were born literally means midwife and when I was staring at that oh my god what does this mean that means that there's something in your spouse that will Midwife a better person a better version of who you are I feel the Spirit of God my wife is an incredible gift she's an incredible gift to me and she has added so much to my life but what Trump's what she has added to my life is what she has brought out of my life who I have had to be willing to become and it's of me that I would not sign up for I wouldn't sign up to be this forgiving I wouldn't sign up to be this watch this self-reflective I wouldn't sign up a man's ways come on you know the word a man's ways are clean in his own eyes so I have no no motivation to change why change if things are clean in my own eyes but but see what happens is when God blesses you with a spouse you have in-house accountability in-house accountability because at the end of the day it's not what the Masters say about me it comes down to what she says about me because she knows the real me because we're not associates we're close relatives can I take my time and and unpack this thing so it says a friend loves and associate loves at all times that's easy but a close relative of a spouse let me just just put that in there for the context of this a spouse is born for adversity that word adversity is a Hebrew word it literally means like this it's tight anybody ever been in a tight spot in your marriage you just stay where your wife is right there your husband's right they just stay right there some of you like I'm in a tight spot right now pacifier I'm gonna tighten is tight over here it's tight a word a word adversity means tightness and it the root word of that word that was translated tightness is the works are that means and this is kind of on a threw me off a little bit but it means pebble or stone so adversity is tightness you get down to the root of that word it means pebble or spalling it kind of puzzled me at first and then I thought about the process of how a stone becomes smooth and if you think about it the stone doesn't become smooth all by itself the stone becomes smooth because of the friction that it has with other stones in an environment river water and some environment and so you know David had had these smooth stones and they and they weren't smooth stones I don't think that he just that he'd found them smooth maybe he did but maybe it was a metaphor to a certain area we know it was literal maybe it was had to do with a metaphor about how he had so much friction in his life that the five stones that he possessed reflected what was cultivated through tension phyllis speer right there their tension it is in the tension in your marriage if you can navigate the god-ordained tension in your marriage you will be a you well beyond anything you could ever dream out are you tracking with me it's the friction and the tension in marriage you've heard a preacher the preachers at a marriage comes preaches about tension in your marriage you ought to have some tension in your marriage that that seems so awkward who says that of the marriage conference who encourages not that you go after tension I've just talked about when you find yourself to hold glorifies tension in the marriage of the marriage conference Tory Thomas Roberts because there's something that happens in the tension if you know how to navigate it well that will create not only an incredible you but an incredible marriage can we go further so I want to give you some tools and really their thoughts about how to navigate the tension there's anybody retention their marriage before what raise your hand if you are married there we go now honesty has swept the room if you are married and have never had tension in your marriage just keep being married is coming it is all the way i prophesy right now in Jesus name you're gonna have healthy God are they intention that's gonna bring out the best of both of you and your spouse are we track it together so let's I got three twos three thoughts three ideas three ways that I want you to to consider tension because it's coming it's coming and it's here and it's coming told number one and this is extremely important as it relates to marriage and when you find yourself in tension the tight spot don't give up before you grow up do not give up before you grow up if you give up on marriage before you grow up you miss the best part the best part of marriage is growing up because here is the thing marriage requires change I just want to keep my independence I know I'm getting married but I still want to be me I'm telling you right now you cannot be the you that you were when you get married I'm be straight up with you well I listen you know and we hyphenate the names and that's wonderful that's fine all that kind of stuff and you can do whatever as long as you don't hyphenate your identity your when you become married there is a requirement of change you have to change you have to change just to be able to facilitate the relationship there is no other marriage there's no other relationship like marriage marriage is so unique that the scripture says for this cause a man leaves watch this he leaves from cleaving to his parents to now cleaving to his wife for this cost for this for this purpose for this cost in other words the only green lights you have the only thing that gives you permission to leave one shaping and to move into another shaping is marriage there's nothing there's nothing like it why why the because why leave the parents why do I have to for this cause to leave my to leave and cleave because with what you are leaving you were once cleaving to and anything you cleave to shapes you I'm teaching the day I am a dawn teaching anything that you're connected to anything that you cleave to shapes you defines you develops you that that's why when God was getting ready to move upon Abraham he told him first and foremost before men you do this thing you're gonna have to leave your father's house to a land that I will show you he was stepping into a new dimension of shaping for his purpose and his destiny the only reason why he had to leave was for the benefit of shaping so when God tells Adam and he says for this cause leave is because I know that you were shaped by your parents and that's wonderful but there's another dimension of you that I cannot get out of you until you clearly you are if you get married and don't change something's wrong and have to how could you cleave how could you become one without change and and and and the reason why is so important not to give up before you grow up is because you've never been the you that you're becoming so you don't even know what that looks like yet so so what you're saying you can't do you can't really say you can't do it because you haven't been the youth that's anointed to do it yet I can't stay in this thing I can't put up with this I can't put up with that you don't know what you can do because but if you stay in it God will develop you and give you the ability to do things and to endure things that you could not do and the reward for staying in here God said don't be weary in doing good for in due season you're gonna reap so the first rule the first thought is you and I cannot give up until we grow up I feel that some of you right now and your marriage your face and tall obstacles you're facing tall mountains and they seem bigger than you but they won't be for long God's gonna do something in the inside of you I can't wait to get to the next point God's gonna do something in the inside of you that enlarges your insides he's going to enlarge your capacity and now and soon and soon that thing that you're staring at that seems like it is insurmountable you're gonna be bigger than and you're gonna be glad you stuck with it are we tracking together does that make sense all right don't give up before you grow up number two make marriage a mirror not a window mirror not a window what am I talking about I'm talking about the discipline of allowing the tension in your marriage to produce reflection not projection see a window you look through at something else a mirror you look at yourself one things I love about Jesus I you know I gotta tell you about Jesus I you know what Jesus but jesus never affirms my complaints about others I've never gone to Jesus and said Jesus you know and I tell you my wife or man that person to church or whatever I've never done that and Jesus says o2a that's terrible shame on them that has never happened when I go to Jesus complaining he says something like hey Tareq why don't you take the beam out of your own eye so then you can see clearly don't you love that about Jesus don't you love the Jesus not a gossiper that he won't like to stroke you in the lowest version of you like oh yeah you're right yeah you have a right to be hurt Oh aren't you glad I mean he's a good good father he's a loving father but every time I have a complaint about somebody Jesus does not affirm me he says yet to ray but but what can you do that's my child I've got them covered but what can you do so make marriage make marriage a mirror not a window I don't want to be so distracted by looking at my spouse is false that I miss my growth opportunity because one of the things that I've learned and this is important you can write this down my maturity is connected to her imperfection my maturation needs her imperfection because if she was perfect I couldn't grow and if I was perfect she couldn't grow are you tracking with me today so I actually I need I actually need her imperfection because her imperfection pulls out a Jesus sized version of me a [Applause] challenging this is homework the moment that your spouse does something a some sort of way it ends up irritating you look in the mirror because here's the truth i'ma let you she won't say it'll he won't say well this he wants there's stuff that you do that irritates them to God God God how who do I need to be to navigate their imperfection not God I feel the spirit when I speak in tongues and if I just not God some tongue talkers in here spirit-filled but you know not try this not God fix her God give me the capacity no not give me God release the capacity that you have placed in me to deal with what I'm complaining about I feel the Holy Spirit God does not honor and reward complainers God if you kv the spouse if you came in this person there is an anointing on the inside of me to handle anything that comes with her if you believe it takes about 3 seconds and praise god for giving you capacity that you don't even know you have yet you got capacity more than what you think in the enemy is a liar and he will tell you you can't take it and if I was the devil I would tell you that you cannot take it right when you are on the cusp of a breakthrough that would revolutionize your entire generation you got to understand the timing of the attack the enemy's resources are limited so when he rose up on you hard it's because you're in the middle you're getting ready to burst groups and everything is getting ready to change and you gotta recognize that I do have what it takes I can't take it stop saying I can't take it now the obvious things we're mature I'm not talking about abuse of any form let's just qualify that because the enemy's slick I love somebody the enemy's slick and so a week and we'll try to put that word on you now you know you can't go nowhere you put your hands on me watch how fast I go you have never seen anybody go as fast as I will call if you put your words on me real good - amen I better move on so don't give up before you grow up talking about the tension what to do in the tension rules the tension is normal I need tension what valuable thing in life is produced without Jim it is not foreign I hear I hear one of the writers saying think it not strange I think it was Peter or James so just read the whole Bible you'll find it but he said think it he said think it not strange concerning the fiery trial as if some strange thing happened to you he's like who lied to you and told you that this is strange just because it's pain doesn't mean it's strange it's a part of the refiners process right so don't give up before you grow up to make marriage a mirror not a window and then three and this is my favorite one sparring in marriage is okay but never compete sparring sparring you think about sparring and boxing the person that you are sparring with is on your side that's why it is a sparring partner I believe in moments of tension it is okay to spar as long as you spar with an understanding that now can you imagine sparring and in the person you're sparring partner knocks you out I mean that person had something in his heart no it's okay to spar listen Jacob wrestled with God rat wrestling is okay but but there have to be rules to wrestling right first of all everybody all parties involved need to understand that this is just we are just trying to develop something so so so you can't be sparring and the other person fighting and an environment so kate is far I love with my wife talked about earlier she talked about speaking up not being silent yes can I just be honest for a second my wife said no help me out a little bit so I like like listen in another life I was an attorney and my wife calls me an attorney now because I will bring in facts evidence witnesses over what we're gonna see what we're gonna watch at the movies tonight you know I will bring in everything I will plead my case we will have a jury trial and my wife early on was just the opposite she anything that looks like it is confrontational at all and confrontation is not a bad thing it's just how you do it right God confronts us all the time life confronts us so it's not a bad thing you have to face things right to confront to front to face something you got to do that marriage right but anyway my wife she and I do that and so I'd be over there like baby and it's just my personality I'm passionately I got 11 years in business a bunch that's just who I am I'm a negotiator that's what is what I do and I would ultimately be trying to get us to something and for me that something would just be unity in some sort of way and she would just like shut down something they're sparring and she's just standing there but but here's the thing it was my fault because if I'm gonna draw her into sparring I've got to create an environment where she feels comfortable and she feels safe she's got to know that her words matter that she matters and that I'm not fighting her as my opponent there's only one opponent and that opponent is disconnection that's what we're fighting against it is disunity and so after a while did not drew in and so I switched the game up a little bit and I started like you know I just changed my changed the way I engage my approach and now she she starts the sparring sometimes now but it's amazing because we're not trying we're not competing against each other and we're not trying to be right we are wrestling come on like Jacob and God we are wrestling because if we don't deal with this then there's gonna be a disconnect in our marriage and if you leave just a little bit of room something unsaid it gives the enemy foothold in our life what am I saying how do I tie this up and wrap it in the bone allow you to take it home what I'm saying is it's the you factor I have to become something no I get to become something that I can never become outside the context of marriage why marriage because of the proximity there's no other relationship on the planet that will force you to look at yourself like a marriage marriage is more about looking at you than it is about looking at anybody else don't give up before you Grob marriage is all about growth growth that you would never sign yourself up for you would never grow in these areas in fact you wouldn't even know that you need to grow in these areas so if you feel the tension you feel the pressure God's trying to grow you he's trying to cause you to be something and when you become it you can pass it on to your kids there's some people in here and you're gonna start a whole new thing in the back line of your family make marriage a mirror i'ma look at me not gonna look at her I'm not gonna look at him when there's an issue the first person I'm gonna look at is myself got who do I need to be and then I'm okay with sparring I'm okay with speaking up as long as I know who my opponent is and I want to pray for you and I'm trying to figure out the best way to do this why don't we all stand for a second marriage is all about you but God he did this but God she did that God he never Lord she never got a saying but what about you who do you need to be to facilitate their growth can you be a reflection of me in that relationship if you hear and you say pastor I get it what I'm gonna do as I'm gonna work on becoming I'm gonna work on me I'm convicted not condemned I'm convicted I've been looking at this thing the wrong way and I subscribe to the notion to the idea that it was too hard I was getting ready to give up and I had God saying if you would just allow me to grow you up it'll be worth it I want to pray for you father I thank you so much for this moment that you brought us in to goddess incredible conference so much information so much impartation so much revelation and God now will be one is transformation we acknowledge Lord that that salvation is the first step transformation is the destiny god we thank you for the person that you placed in our lives they're not perfect nor are we but you gave them to us no God give me the fortitude give me the strength give me the determination not to quit but to embrace the growth that I need in order to be who you created me to be God any place where I have fallen short of that forgive me Father I pray God if there's healing that needs to take place if I've been impatient with my spouse if I've been overly critical forgive me and let a healing take place as what was prayed earlier we're gonna forget those things that are behind and we're gonna step into this new reality this new season this new commitment to love better even through the tension especially in the tension make us better in Jesus name Amen amen god bless you love you [Music] [Applause] [Music] you

Channel: ONE | A Potter's House Church

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Id: _9mQfsXPhII

Length: 38min 18sec (2298 seconds)

Published: Sun Mar 01 2020