5 Keys for Before and After "I Do" | Touré Roberts & Sarah Jakes Roberts

hey family pastor T here god bless you listen you're getting ready to hear a powerful message and I wanted to also remind you about the message that is in this book it released as you know on February 6 is already number one new release on Amazon in three different categories if you don't have this book in your life get it in your life it is changing the world one whole person at a time but God bless you for now I've got a great message that I want you to hear check it out see you soon father we thank you for your love there's nothing like it there's nothing that heals like it there's nothing that feels like it there's nothing that affirms like the goodness and your mercy endures forever and to know that nothing will ever separate us from that love nothing we're grateful and father may we have a fresh encounter with that radical agape love sometimes we forget sometimes life would try to throw us curveballs and situations that would attempt to communicate to us the gross falsehood that you don't love us the reality of it is you you know every strand of hair on our head before we were even place in our mother's womb you were into us hallelujah and it's good to know that you will always be be with us during this time in Jesus name Amen well we're gonna do something a little different today we thought because we are on the heels of Valentine's Day that we would take this time to encourage and strengthen our community and all those who are watching in the name of love and in the area of love regardless of whether or not you are married single divorced in a situation or all of the above we wanted to encourage you one passage of Scripture we'll look at and then we're going to sit down and have a conversation and that passage is out of Mark chapter 10 and verse 9 and it reads like this very simply put therefore what God has joined together let not man separate god bless you you may be seated that will that will be an Amen right there Wow just by a show of hands we we just want to do a little poll if you would but if you're here and you are married let me see your hands wonderful absolutely wonderful if you're here and you are single raise your hand [Applause] hallelujah if you are here and you're in a situation don't you don't have to you don't have to you don't have to just keep looking straight ahead just like I didn't even move you just just well I think that mark chapter 10 and verse 9 is a very loaded verse and it's more loaded than we know a lot of times we look at that and there is an assumption that this is basically saying if you are married never separate and although I do believe in going the distance as God is prescribed and ordained there is a qualifier in that verse it says therefore what God has joined together let not man separate so what we want to do you want say hot everybody honey hey what we want to do today is we want to deal with five must-haves before saying I do five must-haves before saying I do because I think that first part what God has joined together is very important because you have some relationships that do not work and when you do an autopsy on the death of that relationship and sometimes you do an autopsy on the death of that marriage sometimes in some cases what you will discover in your autopsy is that it was really a relationship that God did not join together sometimes it was a relationship that brokenness joined together control join together manipulation joined together and so we are very very adamant about having certain things in place before you say I do and if you don't have those things in place we strongly encourage you to hold up to slow down in fact in wholeness there's a chapter in the book called two halves don't make a hole where these five must haves before saying I do are talked about in great detail but we don't want to leave it there because we realize that from what we saw about half of the room have already said I do and so we've got something for you we also have today five must-haves after saying I do it net cool so we want to get into them so we're gonna talk to the people who are let me see those hands again with single people slash in a situation singing all right okay we're going to talk to you first and we're going to give you the five must-haves before saying I do I'm just curious how many people are in gay if you're here and you're in between single America engaged let me see your hands wow this is good this is good this is good I think for both married people and engage people I think that you ought to work this process be brave enough see sometimes you don't want to be brave you you sometimes what is honey well you're afraid that if you put your relationship under the microscope that it won't pass the test hmm so you choose to just kind of keep it surface but I think the strength of our relationships the roots of our relationship must be tested and qualified because life is coming to qualify that connection children will qualify that connection cancer will qualify that connection job loss will challenge that connection so as much as we can put our relationships under the microscope and say what is this really I know we like the same movies but what is this really I think the better off we are at withstanding the vicissitudes of life absolutely no but it's true relationships will make you or break you who you decide to spend the rest of your life with is a huge decision are you tracking with me it's not like I feel this and so let me do it it's not like that it's a big deal you are signing up for this thing called forever and so you can't be intimidated I don't know about you but sometimes I just like to bring decisions and just drag them to the altar so that the light of God and the fire of God can fall down on that relationship or any decisions that it might be and purify that thing that's what the altar did the altar didn't consume everything the altar consumed everything that was unprofitable so that that which was profitable can remain and so so I'm gonna challenge you you lovebirds who are engaged first and those of you who are single but have a disease to be married that you qualify the relationship that you're in or the relationship that you're pursuing with these five qualifiers yeah yes all right let's jump into okay you want me start you gonna start okay the first thing that you have to have and this is pretty basic is this thing called chemistry right God is bringing two people together there will be an element of chemistry what is chemistry chemistry is when something you feel like something beyond you is happening between you you tracking with me it's it's something I I there's something going on there I can't quite figure it out but I am greatly intrigued by this right is that like flirting well flirting is a whole nother thing you know the the reason why chemistry is the first thing and not the whole thing is that you could have chemistry with a hundred and seventy five different people in one day you could have chemistry based on physical attraction you can have chemistry based on mutual interests you could have chemistry based on things that that stimulate you intellectually you share in that so chemistry is is the first step but chemistry has to be qualified can we keep it 100 in here today I know we're at church but the reason why one of the reason why we're sitting down and we're wearing jeans with holes in them is because we're gonna keep it 175 percent in here today now you can have chemistry with more than one person hello somebody chemistry is tricky and you have to watch it and you have to guard it and you have to be careful especially let me just cross over into the marriage especially when you're married be careful for chem it for chemistry sometimes you know you can feel those something you gotta leave that thing alone right there because there's some stuff there and you don't know it could be some spiritual thing trying to take your marriage down are you tracking with me let's see the chemistry could be witchcraft how deep can we go today I want account account it could be wint trip because if God did bring you together then there's gonna be an assault against it and sometimes what God uses is chemistry you know you you you're at you're at work and you're at the watercooler okay you're at the wallet cooler and and and you know and and someone you you walk up at the same time and and someone drops the person is next she drops their pin on the ground and and the two of you go down at the same time to pick up the pin bump heads and then look at each other in the eyes I don't mean anything so you have to be careful with chemistry and chemistry has to be qualified and chemistry brings us to the next thing and that is connection what do you think about connection honey well I think that when you cover it in the book that you really go into great detail discussing beyond chemistry which as pastor had already defined as just having that moment connection is when you have this this like a draw draw between one I have connection with you we do have agree that was one of the things that made me really begin to investigate further what could happen between you and I because there was this connection that seemed deeper than just you know I think that we had laughed together like I think we could do life together I like the way life looks through his eyes I like Who I am when I am in his presence I like Who I am becoming as a result of us being connected and I think that one of the things that I'm always conscious of telling people about when we speak about relationships in marriage is that who you are connected to is very important because there's a transference and sometimes we are connected to people who we would not necessarily want to become but because we think we can grow them up we allow ourselves to be connected to what ultimately becomes poison and then we wonder what's happened to our own souls and perspectives so true I remember the first time I felt connection to Sarah this is after we met the first time that we met and again it's here and I did a video called five keys to identifying your soulmate as like 3.1 million views on YouTube I'd encourage you to watch that too but the book gets more into detail but chemistry a chemistry we met for the first time but not connection it was just an acknowledgment that Wow you know she's super special and I feel you know somewhat you know there's something there but it wasn't romantic at all the first time I felt connection however was we were at a conference news pastors and leaders conference in 2014 and we were sitting next to each other in this conference and and Bishop Jake's was officiating and it was time to close out the conference and he had he had everyone grabbed a hand that the person who's next to them and and Sarah just so happened to be the person who I was sitting next to and the craziest thing happens I reach over to take her hand and when I took her hand our hands fit perfectly and it was like I was not holding the hand of a stranger it was like I was holding a hand of somebody that I knew someone who had always been a part of my life it was crazy and I think for me that was the first time I really really felt like wow connected to her and then you know obviously we you know a few weeks later we had dinner in LA and and then upon we shut the restaurant down and then upon leaving dinner I left and I knew that that there was honestly that she was supposed to be a part of my life for the rest of my life so you got to have connection and the third one is wholeness and what I love about this verse babe that you pick therefore what God has joined together I know we use that as it relates to two people coming together but I think wholeness is when God joins you together as an individual and you become whole so when we talk about the need to have wholeness and we go back to the scripture says therefore what God has joined together let not man separate if you are with another whole individual you don't have to worry about them separating what God is beginning to join together on the inside of you and so it's important that you have a sense of wholeness and that they have a sense of wholeness what does that mean that means that I'm not trying to recover from my last relationship while building my new relationship at the same time what does wholeness means it means that I've come to a place where I accepted that my father wasn't the best father but I still became a whole individual as a result of it where you have assessed your life in your relationship with God in such a way that you know who you are and you don't offer discounts and you maintain who you are regardless of whether you're single or in a relationship incredible and the reason why wholeness comes out the connection is because that connection has to be qualified I mean it seems like I mean that's that's the happy story right while I held her hand and it was like magic our hands fit perfectly together and it just seemed like we had been in one another's lives for all of our lives and from that moment forward we were destined to be together and all that's wonderful in a knot and in our case in that instance it was true what that connection needed to be qualified because there's this thing called codependency and codependency does a stellar job masquerading as love oh I mean a wonderful job so my connection has to be qualified what is connecting me to you what is it really is it the Lord or is it the fact to your point Sara that I didn't get enough hugs from my dad or my dad didn't give me affirmation and so so what is on my mama well however it might be and so is what is drawing me to you godly and healthy or is my brokenness making this thing look like love and so you have to have homeless and I think that one of the key signs for wholeness pre-marriage is having this testimony that you can say this from the bottom of your heart meaning I'm good all by myself if I never meet my partner my soulmate my spouse I am me and you Jesus are good enough you have joined me together you've mended my broken pieces I am affirmed by you I'm loved by you I understand who I am I Know Who I am in Christ if Romeo does not come through if Juliet is delayed I am good all by myself me and you were worship me and you will take walks together I will date me I will go to the movies all by myself I will have Netflix and chill with me and be good with it because I am NOT needy and I honestly believe that until you can really say that and mean it you may not be ready to say I do and it's a wonderful thing God says love the Lord what he's asked what is the greatest commandment and he says thou shalt love the Lord with all of your heart with all of your mind with all of your strength right another translation says with all of your soul in other words the most valuable thing that you can do in life is love God first with everything that you are and then he says and when you do that then the second commandment right this is sequence the second commandment is love your neighbor as you love yourself right so in other words my relationship with God determines and heals my relationship with myself and my relationship with myself becomes the benchmark by which I have a relationship with others so I have to get my vertical relationship right first so that I can love me right first so that I can be my own Valentine first and then when I am my own Valentine my eyes are clear for me to see where my other Valentine might be does that make sense so wholeness is everything what's the next one honey the next one is divine confirmation mmm and that's when God endorses your relationship and I will just give you a story very quickly I was divorced when Pastor and I met I was a single mother with my two children in Texas and we had all of those things we had chemistry connection I had wholeness but I was still wondering you know God is this really you and as a single mother I was helping my children to just navigate their relationship with their biological fathers and my son was expressing to me in that moment you know I realized that I may not ever have like the ice cream dates out at the park and literally in that moment as he was saying that I looked down at my phone and my husband sent me a picture of him out with his son with ice cream they had the ice cream cones in their hand and I just knew that that was God already going ahead of me saying that I've made a provision to fix the holes that are being created through you know that situation that my children were in and we had countless moments like that where it was just God saying I've already covered that part I'm already got you covered there and I think that that was one of my many divine confirmations there were a lot of them made I mean and that takes us back to mark 10 and nine it says therefore what God has joined together what God has caused to be one it says what God is you can't play with that you can't play with that because if God doesn't do it there is a possibility that it won't work and you're gonna be torn because you joined yourself together you know I've got that that teaching on sexual wholeness if you haven't watched that I encourage you to go to youtube and watch that message but but sexual wholeness deals with soul ties and there's nothing wrong with the soul tie being connected having your soul connected to someone if it's the person that God has ordained for you if it isn't then we you and I have have the power to join ourselves watch this illegally illegally what I mean by illegally it's simple the one that God didn't join you the one that God didn't anoint for you to be joined with you can join yourself illegally and now when the separation comes you're torn you're torn and you're broken and you have to be whole again because you didn't seek God so so when we say divine confirmation we mean that when God is bringing two people together heaven will back up heaven will endorse the fact that this is what God is doing and I don't know about you but I'm at a point in my life that I don't want anything brought into my life that God didn't bring you know I like those old gangster movies back in a day when when someone would come in and try to kill you know and you know would try to kill somebody you know and they would get the person and they would say who sent you you remember that the old gangster movie not yeah they don't watch gangster movie oh yeah that's right TV in for you I got that's wonderful I love TV in but I like gangster movie sometimes too and there's some of the moments and you know and they finally catch the guy that's trying to kill them and he's smacking him around saying who sent you I'll never tell who sent you you know for me it's the same thing you know anything that comes into my life I want to know who the sender was was this God or did my brokenness attract you to me and so divine confirmation now divine confirmation you look tricky because sometimes you can want something so bad that you will make up some confirmation if I see two birds today that will be a sign to me that God wants the two of us to be together no I'm not talking about stuff that that you want so bad that you create a divine confirmation right I want it to be where you let the relationship go who offer like preaching I feel like let me just for just one second one second was it I want it to be where you and you may not necessarily have to tell the other party that you are letting them go but in your heart while you are waiting for divine confirmation that you pause and you stop and you say God I am giving you my heart back I know I love this person right I love them but you know what I'm loving you more and I'm gonna give you my heart so that I can be in this neutral place and not allow my feelings for the person that I'm seeking confirmation about to get in the way and hinder my ability to hear what you are saying and when you're in that neutral place whole and complete and God all by yourself then you will be in a position to hear clearly and get that divine confirmation that God has no problem bestowing upon you so number five is a sense of purpose and I think that when you and I got together one of the things that really draw us together was that we just had the same heart for God in this generation we were both walking in our purpose so we knew what it would take for us to have a partner that understood our purpose and what God had called us to do on the earth sometimes you get in relationships and you discover your purpose while you're in the relationship and the person has to begin to try to form their life around your purpose because what God has called you to do is more important than who you're in relationship with Satan playing faster we are here on earth to serve a purpose to be a light to make a change in this world we're not in I know it's on ABC I know Disney has sold us on this fairy tale that we're supposed to be here to find our boo when we find our boo and live happily ever after when God put us in this earth you said that there's something that they can do that no one else can do but them and it's not just to be in a relationship I need them to change the world for the better I need them to raise a child that changes the world I need them to erect a church I need them to serve in a ministry that makes the ministry grow and become better they have ideas and purpose and intentionality and so when you begin to tap into your purpose you have to recognize that whoever I'm called to has to understand that first I'm called whoever's called to me has to understand that I'm called and so a pastor and I were certainly walking in our purpose but I also think that as we came together that we recognized that our union was God's purpose as well absolutely that's that's so key I think that if you don't at least have an inkling of what you're called to be and to do in the earth you're not ready for marriage you're really not because first of all it's not fair because you to a certain degree are selling your partner a lie you're selling your partner a lot there buy into cookies and and and chocolate-covered strawberries and there buying into you know you guys hanging out all the time and you're in love and you're dating and all these sort of things they're buying into the fact that they're going to have you when the reality of it is when purpose gets ahold of you purpose has you and now it's not fair to that person because you've sold him on this love story without discovering your purpose and what can happen and this is would be tragic in either way this goes but but what happens if one day you wake up and you discover your purpose and you realize that the person that you have signed up with is actually a hindrance to the thing that God has called you to do what do you do then so by by any means necessary you know well I'll tell you what you're gonna do here the two options either you can sacrifice the purpose for the relationship or have to go to the difficult process if that relationship is not redeemable of sacrificing the relationship for purpose and neither are fun and that's why you must it is imperative I'm not saying you got to have your life figured out I'm not saying that at all but have a general sense of what God is doing in and through your life right a sense of purpose so these are you know and there could be fifty there could be a hundred there could be two hundred and five but these are the five must-haves before saying I do that we place in the book and that we're talking about I do have a couple of caveats that I want to say one is obviously you know this is not the end all be all but it is a great start right I want to say that to those who are engaged of those who are single those who are engaged I encourage you to have a vision for your marriage we have all those and we don't get a chance to do premarital counseling with many people maybe two or three couples a year but one of the things that is a requirement for us from them is that they write out a vision for your marriage right because you'd be surprised how many perspectives on marriage there are out there and you're coming in with one perspective which means that you're coming in with this particular expectation and so is that other person and what happens you have to have that conversation first because the last thing you want to do is be in the marriage and you're saying oh I thought it was supposed to be this or I thought it was about that so I have a vision for your marriage here's another thing I'll say and I'll say this to people who are married and as you are hearing this you're saying man we you know we missed some of these things I don't want you to be questioning your marriage not necessarily I don't want you to be like oh baby we didn't have that and we didn't have this here is my outs the devil is a lie we're not doing that because one of the things that we understand about God is that God is a restorer and God is a redeemer and sometimes man plans his way but God establishes his goings are you tracking with me so so I want you to understand that there are many cases where you didn't have that but God causes all things to work together for good hello somebody it is true they got caught all things to work together for good in spite of this so I just want to throw that caveat out there so you won't be taking a sound bite of this and and being divorced court right hello somebody and but I also want to affirm those who who have been through a divorce who might be walking around with guilt and shame and condemnation some psycho religious person told you that because you are remarried again you know you're going to hell stop it let me just say it publicly stop taking the scripture out of context hello somebody there are more reasons than adultery for people to get divorced right even in mark 10 I'm on my soapbox but even in mark 10 it talks about how there is no one Peter was struggling about all the things that he would have to give up in order to satisfy his kingdom assignment and guess what when Jesus told him that there will be certain things that he may have to give up for the kingdom saying but it would be multiplication not lost guess what one of the things had to do with wife and so what I'm saying is a lot of people who are so blinded to the fact that the commander and the command did are more important than the Commandant for like preaching and you take things so you become legalistic by taking things so literally I'll put it to you this way if adultery was the only reason for divorce do you mean to tell me if somebody is beating you upside the head with a hammer that God would say no stay in it as long as he doesn't cheat on you he can be beating the crap out of you but as sometimes you got to think you got to think somebody's verbally abusing you somebody's treating you somebody's speaking against your purpose in your destiny so there are other things so that to that person who had gone through a divorce maybe you went through a divorce because God didn't join you guys together in the first place and I want you to be healed and whole and redeemed and set free from that guilt shame and condemnation because it's not from heaven are you tracking with me I'm not excusing anything nor my condoning religiosity that keeps people in Chains we good all right let's move on to the five must-haves before saying I do the first one I love regularly rehearse magic moments regularly rehearse magic moments okay so what are magic moments magic moments are these memorable experiences that you've had together magic moments can be moments of confirmation where were God confirmed that the two of you were supposed to be together he could have done some sort of sign in the sky some sort of experience you have to not only keep record of those magic moments but you have to rehearse them because guess what you don't always have magic moments sometimes you will have somebody said miserable moments I I wouldn't go that far but sometimes that might be true you see how I'm keeping my voice right here hello like that let's say sometimes you'll have moments that are less than magical and and and and often times what we do the second part of that was to learn to to magnify each other's strengths and trivialize each other's weaknesses you know one of the things that can happen in marriage is you can have an incredible spouse an incredible partner I mean they are awesome in 95% of what they bring to the marriage what they bring to the relationship but it's that 5% that that that that one thing or maybe it's two things and they are so irritating and don't you just keep looking straight ahead don't nudge your partner don't nudge it just right here we're not don't we are not offering counseling after service okay but it's it's it's that one it's those one or two things that drive you absolutely crazy and if we're not careful we will focus on those things and magnify those things so big that in your mind in your perspective they dwarf that which is really dwarfing those things and so five times rehearse listen a good story about your marriage a good memory a good recounting of a memorable experience is never overplayed it's never outdated your relationship need you remember when and then if you got to do it again a day later because you're struggling because you're magnifying that one or two things that the person is doing you've got to do it again you remember baby we just talked about it I know but I need it right so regularly rehearse magic moments wait think about that I think the beauty of technology and taking pictures a lot is that you can literally go back through and remember how you felt when you were on that road trip or when you had that special dinner and it has really helped me I mean there are very few small like point zero nine percent things that I would consider a weakness of yours point zero nine percent over the overall picture I got to go home with him so I need to make sure don't nobody get it but him point zero nine percent and when the enemy went there to enlarge that point zero nine percent one days that I am tired or hungry I am reminded of of memories I always tell people that when Pastor and I went on our first date that he looked at me like I had wings that only he could see and he does still look at me like that sometimes even when my hair is tied up and I got stuff on my face and so just reminding myself in those moments where I could dare to be irritated that there's magic in the mix of life absolutely regularly rehearse magic moments they are a gift for your future what's number two baby so number two is one that I came up with and it says be more mate aware than me aware so that again better be more mate aware than me aware when life starts doing that thing that life does and you start counting the COS than the weight of what it takes for you to be you I took the kids to school I went and worked on a major mom dinner I went to work ahead twelve phone calls and I went and picked the kids up and went back to the grocery store because I forgot something I came home I cooked dinner I did so-and-so here and you had the nerve to come in the kitchen and ask me when dinner was going to be ready you know the in that moment it can feel like me me me me me and I've been challenged by you know challenge within myself to take a minute and to just take inventory of his day and where he was when he came in maybe he had meeting after meeting after meeting and didn't have dinner and he wasn't like acting like this taskmaster asking me about dinner and said he was just asking a simple question but because I brought my own weight of the day into that moment we struggled and I think another thing when we're being more made aware than me aware is to also consider what love and family look like for him growing up because there are moments where there is a disagreement and you just don't understand why he's not getting what you're saying but you have to recognize that he's bringing all of his experiences and all of his perspectives about life into a statement when he says I don't need you to cook dinner I need you to give me a hug and you're thinking well I did all of this and how come you didn't recognize it you have to recognize that what matters to you may not matter to him and so dare to look at life look look at life and look at you through his perspective and just for my wives I have a book that I think would be very helpful for you to read besides wholeness what you need to read amen but it's a book called what's it like to be married to me and it will really change your life in a way that I don't know if you're ready for but you get a journal book and you go through this book and it gives you great perspective so true there's a passage in one of the epistles of Peter and it talks about marriage and it it's in reference to husband and wives but I believe it works in the other direction but it says husbands dwell with your wives according to knowledge that's heavy live with your wives not just randomly but according to knowledge and I believe that that to Sara's point we do have to be aware I think that God will give us insight about our spouse I really do if we're if we're interested if we're curious Holy Spirit reveal to me what's happening on the inside of my wife or my husband right let me just lord help me to remove myself out of the equation for a second and help me God help me too to see them I believe it's same thing with parents right you're praying for your children the Holy Spirit revealed to me what's happening inside my child said I can minister to my child it's the same thing because I believe as we get ready to move on to the next point I believe that the best marriages the best relationships is when you have two people doing everything in their power to make the other person happy are you tracking with me a lot of times when we tell you we polled people we asked him about marriage and you know and what do you know what do you want you know what do you want in marriage and they'll say oh you know I want a man who loves me and and he validates me and he he sees me and he gets me and he's you know he's 6 2 or 3 or 5 and you know he's got seven figures eight figures or whatever you know and then you ask the husband you know I just want somebody that knows how to cook you know the meaning and can be you know a lady in the streets and and and something else at home you know and and oftentimes it is soda I'm suffering and oftentimes I'll tell you what you rarely hear you rarely hear someone saying you know what you know what do I want out of marriage you know I just want to be I want to find someone who I can just be the best husband to that I can just provide for that I can just create an environment for them the floors and you know you rarely hear that you always hear about what they want and so I think this is important because again the best marriage the best relationship is two people doing everything in their power to make the other person happy [Applause] number three is competing generosity which I think really speaks more to what we just talked about you know and so so instead of competing in the marriage or complaining in a marriage how about we could be how about we outdo each other you know my wife you know I wasn't a really good gift giver I really wasn't the be honest we got throw some money at you you know or yeah I just I just didn't know how to be and my wife gives the most thoughtful gifts in the world so it up my game a little bit right and so now I'm not thinking months you know in advance I'm I'm thinking and so so compete in generosity how can I be even more generous with my spouse than I was last year and one of the things that I think allows us to compete in generosity is constantly asking one another question how can I serve you how can I serve you so competing and generosity for us isn't like who gets the most expensive gift but like I got him a newspaper that came out the year that he was born that was very special to him in his well to his parents at the time and just was the environment and when she was born and I know that that meant a lot to him so I wanted him to have a piece of his history it's not always the most extravagant gifts but it's the thing that says I see you I understand where you come from I understand where you're headed and is my way of saying I got you I'm with you and I'm supporting you and there are pockets throughout our whole entire day where we get to compete in generosity sometimes as wives as simple as just sending your husband a message like thank you for taking the trash out like I know that's a part of their responsibility and it's a our way of helping keep the house maintained but the reality is is the man who took the trash out and never came home so I thank you for taking the trash out and coming back inside and sitting down at the dinner table I'm glad that you came home it's somebody's man who didn't come home and I thank you that you saw past my flaws and insecurities and last night's argument and still came home and still honored me as your wife I know that this is your role and this is what you're supposed to do but what I'm saying is that I see you stepping up to the plate in a way that a lot of men have failed to do where some men have failed to do them what I'm saying is I see you I honor you and I think you have a gratitude for who you are in my life awesome now we've got two more but before we do the two more I just believe that that we have a guru in our family that has 35 or 34 years 35 years of marriage that I want us to hear from really quickly so let's hear from our Bishop TD jakes there are a couple of things that I have learned over the 35 years that I have been married to Serita Jake's I have learned that so many times as men we think more love than we say and people can't live off of what you think about them they can only live off of what you say about them I learned that if you have love for them be sure you give it to them and the only way they can get it is if you have the courage to verbalize it and we as men have a tendency to be nonverbal and they'll be disappointed because people didn't catch how we felt I learned to break through my intimidation and become more verbal because I found out that my attention and my affection is literally the air she breathes and when I don't give that attention and affection is officiate her if you don't want to smother the person you love through the absence of some that you have but wouldn't release give it to them the second thing I want to share with you that I believe is also very very valuable is if a woman process is about talking that's how they process most men tend to process internally and they come out with the conclusion I learned that when she is processing I don't need to contribute I just need to listen because there is something you give a woman by listening it gives her it validates her thoughts and it gives her the very important thing of feeling not only women everybody needs us that I have been heard I have been heard so it's not always about talking it's also about listening keep that in mind number four make up quick the Bible says for us not to let the Sun go down on our wrath you know in in that passage mark 10 and 9 which says therefore what God has joined together let not man separate that's an interesting word that was translated let not man separate you've probably heard it say let not man put asunder but it's a Greek word and it literally means to place room between the police room between so what God has joined together but God has forged and formed together with God has caused to be one let not man now let not man put room between now he's not talking about simply man that's outside of the relationship he's talking about you and I can't think of what puts more room in space which creates opportunity for the enemy to come in and do things than failing to commit to making up quick what does that look like I don't you know if you got to talk it out all night if you watch this if you have to surrender your right to be right in order to bring harmony in order to bring peace do it do it by any means necessary makeup are you tracking with me cuz sometimes you're fighting over something that's not even worth it I wanted more mayonnaise on my sandwich you know that I wanted mayonnaise you know I like the mayonnaise to come all the way to the edge of the bread you know that we have been married for 72 years you should know that some things are not worth it and one of the things that I've learned that sometimes in order to keep the peace you have to just die two things are you tracking with me some things watch this you don't like this some things are just not gonna change they just not gonna change you might want to check don't clap too hard don't think you're we're gonna have to have a counseling session right after the service right know some things right and I'm not talking about major things right I'm not talking my things like abuse like verbal abuse like like certain things I'm not talking about that I'm just talking about little things that are more like preferences right sometimes you gotta just do workarounds but by any means necessary make up quick sometimes I prize say well no I'm not I'm not giving in on this one I'm not doing that I'm not giving in as if you are hurting them to hurt your spouse is to hurt you you guys won remember we're on the same team so be quick to make them don't let the Sun go down on your wrath don't go to sleep angry first of all it does not make for good sleep what was the last time you went to sleep man and slept like a baby no you tossed and you turn and the beautiful thing about making up before you go to sleep is that you get to have fun doing it hallelujah you get that on the 25 on your way home god bless you and last but not least haha somebody just caught it you know what baby I'm sorry I do I was a little mean this morning let's go home when you pray that there will be transparency and authenticity in church this is which again no but he certainly lives by this my parents have never argued in front of me they both grew up in physically abusive homes and so one of the things that they vowed to do was never to argue or to have any kind of disputes in front of their children which is great it's just that I don't know how to process when I had high emotions you know and so I thought to myself I will just be quiet and internalize so the idea of making up quickly for me just meant just don't say anything at all and you know let it go and so I would obviously be walking around with an attitude but I wouldn't say what was wrong with me you know like slamming has played down here's your dinner you know or leaving it in the pot and not making this plate at all like this over there and and so he had to really help me to make up quickly but I just remember earlier on in our marriage one of the times that I really understood how important this was to him we had just had the baby and I wasn't sleeping very much and I you know he usually doesn't sleep very much at night ever like but when the baby came God just blessed him with the spirit of sleep that was so powerful and anointed and so he would be waking up stretching and like I'm about to go to the gym and I've been up on this Ida attitude okay my petty game was on 100 and so um I think it was a Saturday night and I finally just had this huge breakdown and he literally called him a guest speaker for that next Sunday and he told we I think we did a video to the congregation he's like I'm staying home and we're going to have a family day because he's like I'm not gonna go and grab a microphone and preach and do three services like everything is okay at home when it's not so whatever it takes for us to make up we're gonna do absolutely marriage is everything and lastly remember marriage is stewardship its stewardship God has entrusted you with somebody he loves he has created a scenario where you have close proximity to someone's entire life to their most intimate things its stewardship what God has joined together he did it for a reason and so I have stewardship over my wife I've got it as a husband I've got to make sure she's good I've got to be unto her as Christ is to me I've got to create an environment where she soars where she excels it's a huge responsibility I think that if we saw this going in we might be a little slower to rush into marriage right and not do it you know unadvisedly we do it so girly and so remember that God's entrusted you with a life he's interested you with the heart and God loves you yes he does but he also loves your spouse and so so you have to see it that way okay I'm in her life I'm in his life for a reason and ultimately I'm in her life I'm in his life to bless them yeah I think constantly reminding yourself I may be the only glimpse of God that he sees today so how can I be more forgiving how can I be more patient how can I be more sensitive how can I be more honest and transparent is something that has really helped me as I continue to just thank God each and every day that I get to be your wife I love you it's an honor to be your husband alright it was this helpful but we are we are about done there was one there was a testimony that came through the launch team and there was a couple on the brink of divorce and they were on the brink of divorce because of brokenness and they decided that they were going to they read the first three chapters they won the launch team and they read the first three chapters and they realized that they weren't in a position to get a divorce because they were seeing everything four broken lenses and literally this turn their relationship around and now they are reading this together seeking wholeness even in their marriage yes I encourage couples to read it together you never know what if the reason why there is struggle in certain areas is because of some degree of brokenness that has gone undetected I encourage you to read it single people chapter seven is for you the whole book is for you but single people particularly those who might be engaged and you're preparing to get married read it check it out it doesn't mean that this book is gonna tell you not to get married but it might tell you to slow down and get some things in order so that you can have the marriage that God wants you to have and so I want to encourage you what I'd like to do is pray for marriages and I can do it while you're where you are but if you're so inclined I want to pray actually I want to pray for a lot of people first group I want to pray for our divorce people if you're here and your divorce and you have been struggling with shame you don't feel like God will ever bring love into your life again and you've been wrestling with self-doubt you've even been wrestling with this notion that oh my god this was this great evil this was the unpardonable sin and you've been carrying guilt and shame I want you to come down and meet me here at this altar the second group I want to come down is if you're here and you're in a relationship and you don't know if the relationship is God or not but you want to give God your heart you want to love him with all your heart mind soul and strength so that he can either confirm or not confirm the relationship that you're in you heard something it was very clear that that was speaking to you throughout this time and before you go in too far before you take another step further you want to give God your heart you want God to be your first Valentine and your ownself to be your second Valentine if that's you I would like for you to come and if you're here and you're married and you just want us to pray over your marriage it's not an indictment on how awesome your marriage is or how much difficulty you have in it but you just what there's a blessing in this house for marriages and I said it before one of the first things that I said when Pastor Sarah and I took over this church is that this church is going to be known for healthy marriages and Families in Jesus name we are going to be known for it so if that's you and you just want prayer for your marriage I want you to come forward right now and if you're here and you're single and you want to be okay with it you want to come to a place where you say God if you bring the right one for me fine if me and you are gonna do purpose and destiny all by ourselves for this season fine I want to be cool with it if that's you I want you to come as well I want you to come forward Harlan if you're watching via live stream we're praying for you as well you are very much a part of this I think we should both pray on started then you can finish it and you can just come while we're talking come why praying father love is an incredible thing it is an incredible gift that you've given to your children it's so powerful that your word says that by the love that we have for each other then people will know that the father sent Jesus to the earth Lord you said I am love yet in the midst of that truth you did not promote love between two people over love between yourself and individuals in fact before Adam even fell in love with Eve he was already in love with you you set that sequence on purpose because you want us to understand that the greatest relationship that any of us will ever have in life the greatest love affair is the love affair between you and ourselves and it is satisfying it is fulfilling it is completing people don't complete people you complete us and when to complete people get together they have a complete marriage father there may be some amongst us who have gone through divorce and as a result of that they have been torn in such a way but then that they do not believe that not only can they recover but that you will do even greater things and father I pray that you would uproot that lie right now you are a God of healing and restoration and I pray God that self forgiveness would flow right now that there would be no regrets that there would be no guilt and there would be no shame that they would know in spite of perhaps even mistakes that they made maybe the greatest mistake was entering into it without seeking you in spite of that you love them you care for them and you've got a plan for them may that guilt and that shame die here at the altar of grace hallelujah that regret would lift and that a true sense of optimism and expectation for all that you have in front of them would be realized father let joy return to us that we may remember the promises that you have for our life for our marriages for our children and for our hearts may we constantly walk in the knowledge and the confidence that you created all things to work together for our good and that even the things that cause us the most harm the things that made us become disappointed or bitter that you know how to take those things in to reveal so as not only a new version of who you are but love like no other we receive those promises we lay hold of them and we rebuke every lie every plot and plan and thought of the enemy that ever made us think that we were less than and we declare and decree over these your sons and daughters that they are loved they are accepted they are affirmed and therefore they can walk with their head held high and their heart full of joy in Jesus name and then father I pray for every marriage every marriage in this house you said would you have joined together what you have cause to no longer be two but one you said may there be no room no space between them father there some here and and because of whatever may be something that happened years ago that has been a wedge in between their relationship causing room and space and cracked ins and brokenness unforgiveness that would allow the enemy to always have a straight shot and place in their marriage I pray today that that door would be closed that love and grace and forgiveness got restoration God recall to their remembrance those magic moments those moments of confirmation those moments of love the moments that are the reason they got married in the first place restore that back to your sons and daughters and then God for those who are here or single we pray God that they would see single differently that single would not be alone or by myself or some sort of disadvantage but that they would see their singleness as wholeness and that they were pursue wholeness in their singleness that singleness would mean unbroken that singleness would mean I have an opportunity to love me well and to love me right and to love me fully and to love me entirely and to love me so wonderfully that any other love that's added will be just that an addition and not that which makes me complete father there's some here who are in relationships and for the sake of seeking confirmation are laying those relationships right down here at the altar saying God my relationship with you is the most important thing give them that grace to do so resist and fight every area of brokenness that would attempt to wrestle with them about making that decision and give them the grace even that Abraham had in the moment where he had to lay his son down for the sake of truth and God I thank you that as they do that you're going to honor them bless them restore them and increase them in ways that transcends anything that they can ever imagine we seal these words we seal these prayers we seal these times this time in the mighty name of Jesus amen amen god bless you happy Valentine's Day to you we love you very much may the Lord bless and keep you may he make his face to shine upon you be gracious toward you may he lift up his countenance over you and grant you Shalom Shalom in Jesus name God bless you hope see you a Saturday Wednesday nights going to be a special a marriage service you don't want to miss that and wholeness is available in the bookstore god bless you love you

Channel: The Potter's House at OneLA x Denver

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Length: 66min 20sec (3980 seconds)

Published: Sun Feb 11 2018