A HEALTHY Marriage // Lakewood Church Spark Marriage Conference 2019

well without further ado I want you guys to make crazy noise for our next guest mr. Devon Franklin Hey Lakewood yeah listen that's cool but you know how we do it I didn't wake you up this morning I didn't start you on your way so why don't you give praise where praise is really due come on come on you have come far in a long way you've been holding in your praise all night long some of you you know you should have been divorced by now but you're still here give God praise it's not because of what you've done it won't do what he's doing why don't you give him praise why don't you give in glory why don't you thank you for being alive why don't you thank you for being alive turn to your neighbor and say you're alive you made it turn to your neighbor and say it's His grace and mercy oh my goodness I don't know who I'm talking to right now but in case you do not understand the word behind me that's called spark that means something has got to catch fire in here I don't know who I'm talking to but if you don't want something to get excited and started in your life you may need to go back to the hotel but if you have come for a word from the Lord to spark your marriage and your life I need you to give him some praise right now you may have your seat you may have your seat it is an honor or pleasure and a privilege to be here first I want to thank a couple couples can we please give it up for Joel and Victoria Osteen you can do better than that you can do better than that we also want to give thanks to Clayton and Ashley Hurst give it up please this is their brainchild you can do better than that let's give it up for Jay and Catherine their story was incredible yes powerful hope heals let's give it up for Steve and Tammy that was the first time they have sung together they've been married for over 20 years you all just witnessed history tonight and why don't we give it up for Michael jr. who just blessed us with that incredible word I'm a I'm gonna have to learn how to do that to take people into the word and make them laugh do all that's dope why are we here tonight because God put in your spirit you need it to be here at this conference your presence here is an indicator not that necessarily for some of you your marriages in trouble but there's an area that your marriage needs to work on and if it was not true you would not be here right now for this session for the next 30 minutes for this to work we have to be in truth amen hallelujah are we gonna tell the truth and listen I'm not talking at you I'm talking with you I've been married for seven years Amen give it up for seven years a man yes my wife is back home in LA and had meetings she sends her love but I'm gonna be honest with you when I said I do at the altar I had no idea what I was saying I do - is there anybody who can just be honest with me and not leave me hanging come on let's just have a truth way right like I said I do but I didn't really know what I was saying I do - and and what I began to realize is that nobody I mean nobody can prepare you for the reality of marriage am i right because no matter how much you love somebody when you begin to fuse two atoms together a thing called fusion happens which mean tension happens when two become one it's a beautiful thing but can also be painful why because I love you but when you leave the cap off the toothpaste isn't it amazing how the little things in marriage start to get on our nerves so I was just asking God I said God tonight we have to preserve save elevate and inspire the couples I believe you are going to do something in someone's marriage here because they were obedient and came to this conference you're gonna do something amazing in their marriage that they do not think is possible can we just stop for a truth moment does anybody need a blessing in your marriage right now come on now please be honest is anybody need a blessing your marriage is anybody need like lord please send the lifesaver I'm about to take him out God you better do something I'm about to let take her come on now if anybody needs a blessing that you have come to the right place so I asked God I see God um help me understand what it is you want us to know because I believe that that the the health of our culture the health of our community is directly related to the health of our marriages and so he took me Amen you can clap on that amen so he took me to a very interesting passage Jeremiah chapter 18 verses 1 to 4 I will read in your hearing from the New International Version it says this this is the word that came to Jeremiah from the Lord go down to the potter's house and there I will give you a message I want to stop right there when you heard about the spark marriage conference something God spoke to your spirit and said you've got to get down to Lakewood for the conference and some of you didn't even know why you were coming because you say hey I got a good marriage but something in your spirit said you got to come who am I talking to come on who am I talking to right I believe that God said he was not going to give you the word until you got here [Music] sometimes we have to get out of our comfort zone in order to understand what he's doing sometimes we have to leave the familiar and go into the unfamiliar in order to understand what God is doing so I want to thank you for your courage and your obedience to come here even when you did not exactly know what God was going to do so yeah you can give yourself a round of applause thank you for your obedience now some of you should really thank your spouse because truth be told you wouldn't be here if they told you I'm leaving y'all but if you don't come to liquid with me so Jeremiah had to go down to the potter's house before God would reveal the word to him and then verse 3 says this Jeremiah says I went down to the potter's house and I saw him working at the wheel but the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands hmm now what's interesting is we're not told that the Potter had a manual for what the pot was supposed to look like he had a vision in his head of what the pot was supposed to be and were told as he was trying to shape the clay into the pot according to his vision he messed it up hmm the challenge with marriage if we look at marriage as this pot it's not just one person sitting there trying to mold and make the pot in marriage you got to why do some things get messed up in marriage because two people have two different visions that have never been communicated about what the pot of marriage is supposed to look like for us too often we come into marriage with a preconceived notion of what it's supposed to be an ideal instead of an idea or a reality and when I bring in my vision and my wife brings in her vision but we never talk about what our collective visions are we then wonder why we're so mad at each other because I have an idea of what marriage is supposed to be she has an idea what marriage is supposed to be and we're mad at each other that none of us sees the vision but we've never taken the time to communicate hey what does your pot look like interesting so your pot has flowers and ceramic my pot is bare and cooking clay right it is so important I ask you the question do you have a vision for your marriage do you have a vision for what your marriage is supposed to look like if you don't have a vision for your marriage it will be impossible to get to the place where God has preordained your marriage to be the Potter had have a vision of what the pop was supposed to look like now what's interesting is that as he's working the clay it gets messed up in the message Bible it says that you know he wasn't surprised by that because he's dealing with clay in marriage what I said I do I was shocked when problems started happening I'ma be honest I said wait a minute we went to four months of pre-engagement counseling right we didn't I mean before I even asked her hand in marriage we were with the counselor for four months come on somebody all right we didn't I didn't just wait until I got engaged to do the counseling because sometimes we're focused on planning the wedding we spent four months so I said oh we have talked through everything surprise surprise when we got into marriage and problems started happening and the communication wasn't there I began to say well what's the problem but then it dawned on me when you look at this text why are we so surprised that we're dealing with human hands that are fallible and when it comes to shaping our marriage they're going to be problems if anything the Potter said it's okay that there's a problem the issue is what am I going to do about it let me tell y'all something one of the biggest issues that we face in marriage relative to shaping the pot of our marriage is having an expectation of what the pot is supposed to be and believing that the other person that we're married to knows it and when they don't do what's expected we penalize them for it I want to give you all the story can I tell you my business for a minute so when I got married you know somewhere I don't know if it's Ephesians 5 or maybe it's in Genesis you know it says that men are supposed to take out the trash and the wives are supposed to cook Amen okay okay okay all right so so so so I was believing that this was just the gospel this is what was supposed to happen and and Here I am in marriage and I said I do and and I'm happy and and for whatever reason my wife she must have read the same text because at the beginning of our marriage I was taking out the trash and she was cooking now what was interesting is my wife I love her dearly and I'm not talking about her y'all of my family I'm just gonna let you in on what really went down she had one good recipe in her repertoire did she she she had that baked chicken down okay all right listen it was a baked chicken with some potatoes some corn and if it was a good night I would get some broccoli okay and listen when I would come home that's what it would be and I was not complaining hey man I was just happy to have a home-cooked meal by my new wife hallelujah Amen somebody now this would happen for a couple of weeks in our first one we first got married and I said Oh marriage is amazing it's incredible this pot that we're forming is awesome my wife is an actress one of the top actresses in Hollywood and so she booked a television show in New York we live in LA so she went to New York and we were commuting for about six months long distance while she shot the television show and when she came back I had an unspoken expectation that she was going to pick up with the cooking where she left off I'm talking to somebody right now this little this moment my story is about to save somebody's marriage right now because some of you have an expectation of your spouse that is unspoken and you have never asked them can you have this expectation and then you're mad at them for doing something that they didn't even know they were expected to do because you have never taken the time to communicate do you want me to do this and can I expect you to do it I'm talking to somebody tonight we gotta start speaking about what we expect so so so she came home and so I was chilling I said okay cool we gonna get back into this I would come home from work hmm I don't I don't think that's that's big chicken that smells like kitty litter we have to we have to hairless cats by the way so I'm like okay I would look in the refrigerator no no no it's not marinating I said okay you know she's tired it's one night I will come home the next night and I would okay okay I would go in the microwave and ain't nothing been cooked so then the next night I would come home I would look in the oven and nothing was there and so instead of asking her hey babe um how you feel about cooking again I started to get mad she knows I'm expecting her to cook she knows I'm hungry she knows I need to eat why is she not fulfilling my need so he went from not only expecting the need to be fulfilled then I began to say well maybe she doesn't love me as much as I thought I'm talking to somebody right now dude yes I'm talking yes yo y'all don't realize this is how we get down here so you can talk back you can speak we're having a true talk right now I believe that in the next 20 minutes your marriage is going to go to another level because how often do we keep these unspoken things in and then we judge the person and then we make an assessment about how they feel which is usually far from the truth um in this section over here bad that anointing is falling right there right there well you know you know it like that's a sore spot we get it right there amen why is this important right now what unspoken expectation do you have of your spouse that you are mad at them about and they don't even know it what was interesting is is is every time I would come home and she did not cook I began to to treat her as if she had done something wrong to me as if she had offended me because I expected her to read my mind so I would come home and I would be cold and I would be upset and then she would say are you okay and I'm thinking well if you don't know why I'm mad then I'm not gonna tell you why I'm mad so yeah some of you some of you you you are human so upset with your spouse and they keep asking that you are you okay and you keep saying I'm fine I'm fine I'm fine well tonight I want you to tell the truth you better know the truth will set you free let them know what's really bubbling underneath the surface if you really want your marriage to be healed sorry like no I'm fine I'm good I'm good well you know you just seem angry you know things I'm just tired of you know work it's rough it's tough you know so over time it got so bad because of my unspoken expectation that file a she said yo what's up I said I'll tell you the truth you know I was expecting that you were gonna cook because you know that's just what you're supposed to do y'all I'm letting you into my truth I'm telling you the truth I'm telling you true see see there's no manual for how to do marriage so as men we sometimes say some dumb things come on come on all the husbands in the house if you ever been a part of it I've said some dumb things club just wave your hands right now come on all right all right yes I mean I I admit I admit I did it I did it I said it and as soon as it came out I said oh Lord I didn't mean to say that I didn't mean to say that what did I I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I said well you know I just thought this was this was the way it was supposed to be ah she said I could feel the weight of your expectation and it made me not want to do it that much more ah and and so and so as I'm there and she's telling me this it's literally the Holy Spirit it's convicting me and speaking to me because I got this revelation here is the revelation that that I believe that that by the time most women get to marriage they've had to endure in some instances physical abuse emotional abuse spiritual abuse sexual abuse all these forms of abuse and so the idea is I get to marriage and it could be or should be a place to be healed where I don't have to be expected to be something or do something I am NOT and Here I am in marriage putting an unspoken expectation on my wife saying what should have been unconditional her she was cooking initially out of love but the moment I expected it I took the love out of it and I said if you don't do this I will not love you I don't know who I'm talking to you right now but you'll see how the joy can be taken out of marriage because we take what would which should be a discretionary or optional and we make it mandatory and if somebody doesn't do it we judge them what in the world does your spouse cooking for you have to do with the fact that they love you and they would do anything for you but some nights they just might be tired is it okay to be tired in marriage is it okay to say yo I love you but I ain't cooking tonight why cuz I gotta kick my feet up pull am I talking to tonight I told you marriage is getting sent free so so so as she told me this I'm telling you I was convicted because here I was making love conditional instead of unconditional and I said to her my love I miss the baked chicken I do but I it is not worth destroying this marriage over not having it from now on either we're both going cook we're gonna order out I'll cook sometimes you cook sometimes but I'm gonna take the expectation off of the kitchen and do you know our marriage went to another level why because now we both were shaping the same pot and when she now cooks she cooks out a joy she cooks out of love because she wants to cook and there are some times I do the same but if you want your marriage to go to the next level you got to take off the expectation and if you do have an expectation you got to tell them baby can I expect you to cook every night no I'm serious you got are you verbalized you got to communicate but here is the problem if we're really being honest and we're having a truth talk as men we don't like to communicate because we were conditioned to not communicate growing up as men and I want to make sure that the wives and the women in the house understand this that growing up there's a box of manhood that we're taught to fit in men are supposed to be strong men are supposed to love sports men are supposed to dominate men are supposed to have women municipal to have lots of sex men are supposed to have all the answers and if as a boy you don't fit the box and most of the time we're met with violence stop crying it's not being a wimp what's wrong with you you're soft so what are we learned hold it in no I ain't feelin why because I got to survive so when we finally get in love we don't actually have the the gear in the in the history of knowing how to communicate so we're in a marriage and we feel like literally we're in an emotional prison because we have not had the experience of knowing how to voice what we're really feeling now is that an excuse no but here's where marriages start to break down because we expect our wives to understand what we don't even understand and our wives sometime expect us to communicate the way they communicate and I said baby I understand but I don't work that way and I need you to have some compassion for me as I'm trying to have compassion for you please understand that this area of expectation relative to communication is critical to sort out this is why when you have the expectation you got to ask can I have this expectation of you give your spouse the time to say yes or no if they say yes now you both can hold each other accountable for the expectation you've agreed upon if you have an unspoken expectation you cannot hold your spouse accountable for something you have not asked them if you can hold them accountable for and the church says Amen man and a man oh I'm saving some marriages tonight I know what God is doing so so watch this the Potter is shaping the clay and it gets marred it gets messed up in his hands we're trying to shape our marriages into this perfect vision but it's getting messed up where's another area where things start to get messed up in marriage are y'all ready for some real truth you sure sex oh boy some of y'all say wait a minute we wait a minute we're in Lakewood talking about sex Devon yeah we're all married people that man How to Lose be talking about sex as we can hallelujah this is the area where the enemy gets the the mean this is where the enemy gets busy why because again everyone has a different sexual experience and different sexual needs when they come into marriage it is unimaginable to assume that your partner is gonna know exactly what your sexual appetite is unless you sit down and communicate about it when sex stops in a marriage sex stopping at a marriage is the symptom of the problem it's not the problem the problem is usually an intimacy problem so again y'all will give y'all my truth I'm gonna tell you the truth because you know y'all my family I was gonna tell you the truth so you know again I've been married for seven years all right now I thought hey before I got married I waited I know Michael jr. said four years I waited ten Amen hallelujah somebody come on I did it yes I did it was hard it was wrong hallelujah man come on straight Samson ain't got nothing on me hallelujah man so watch this ten years I waited and I thought y'all when we get married so it's so funny I'm having an out-of-body experience some of y'all y'all like oh man this is really really transparent right listen if I'm not transparent we can't get transformed a man I'm not preaching at you I'm talking with you a man all right none of us know how to do this we need each other's help and God's grace to get through this a man and to make it work so I'm thinking hey it's gonna be you know on and then and there were periods where it was it was off and I was like what's going on okay as men so important because in my experience sometimes there's a difference in sex drive is that right yes it's all right we're getting there we're getting there so so here's what happens here's what happens as men we start to get frustrated man what's going on why is it happening what I began to realize was the symptom the real problem was there were times when I was talking to her in a way they did not make her feel loved so so there were resentments that were building that I didn't know existed until it was time to be intimate and then because there was a resistance to intimacy I was like well what's the issue and then I realized oh right there was a time when I was short of temper there was a time when I was you know I really wasn't trying to you know foster in a marriage that created to help to her freedom and contributor to her creativity if you are not having the amount of sex that you would like to have in marriage you got to stop for a minute and have a business meeting in your marriage and say honey we got to talk about this cuz here's why these problems don't fix themselves yes we pray but God also says faith without works is dead so that means we have to have faith he's going to do it but we also have to put some works behind it through communication so tell me man you know let's sit down let's talk this through I would like to and here's the thing my brother's my husband listen to me please if you gotta write down what you want to say write it down because if you come into that conversation high angry frustrated chauvinistic it's only gonna shut her down more the goal is how do we create a loving environment that can facilitate communication baby what's going on how do we get through this this is what I would like I'm sure I know you want it let's talk through where the issues are so we can get back to a marriage that operates according to his Divine Design oh my goodness I don't know who I'm talking to right now but somebody is like you just said what I needed to hear we can't wait to get back to the hotel you married it's okay we're almost done watch this where else does the part of our marriage get marred we don't allow the person our spouse to be who they really are we're trying to form them into who we want them to be [Music] I'm taking this section with me wherever I go we go go on the road together yes I don't know who you are we going this is a key point very key this is where our ideals of marriage sometimes hinder the marriage we have an ideal of what it's of what we want it to look like and so as a result we keep bringing that ideal to the person and trying to form them into something that they may not be and as a result instead of appreciating our spouse for who they are when they are we are trying to get down the road from them to maximize their potential and we're forcing something that they may never become or they have to go on their journey with God to become who he called them to be not who we want them to be again I'm giving you my truth I'm giving you my truth my wife when I married her she smoked smoked cigarettes we read about it in our book the way she's Christian saved sanctified filled with the Holy Ghost in smoke it's the truth goes to the facts and and and I told myself I would never marry a woman that's gonna set smokes never any woman that that smoked when we were I was dating I would never date him and then God told me this is your wife I said okay great amazing and then I found out she was a smoker I said God did you not get my list he said Devon listen listen he said you can marry you can try and marry a list or you can embrace the person that I know is designed for you and you're designed for them too often we bring this list into marriage and we try to make the person into the list instead of appreciating who they are so watch what happened we were in counseling and I blur out I'm not marrying a smoker in counseling and I had already been dating her but how ludicrous is this we get into marriage thinking that oh these things are gonna change or I can change them and then when they don't change we get mad at the person but the person is saying this is who I was when you said I do do you mean that I was not good enough then and if so why are we here now I don't know who I'm talking to right now but God told me to tell you start accepting your spouse for who they are now not who that you want them to be later I don't know who I'm talking to right now but somebody just got just beyond that watch this immediately the moment I said it my wife was devastated cuz she's like I have to go through my process with this I don't like to do it but it's something that I'm doing that I have to work out with God we are no matter how much we love our spouses we are not God we are not God we have to give our spouses the freedom to walk out their relationship and we have to appreciate and respect that sometimes they're on a journey that all we can do is hold their hand while they go through it we can't lead them along we can't rush the process they have to go through the journey so immediately I apologized and said maybe I'm sorry I I love you as is when we got married I said I love you as is I'm not trying to change you I believe that that this smoking thing is gonna fall off because it's attached to something emotional but I am committed to walking with you through it see too often in the church we want this perfect love oh it's got a look that's the problem with what's happening in our marriages in the church we keep projecting an image instead of embracing the reality what is an ideal marriage what is that because each one of our marriages is conformed to our personalities and how God wants to operate through us so your marriage may look a little different than my marriage but that doesn't mean my marriage is better your marriage is worse it just means that it is so the moment that I accepted her as she was soon after we got married the smoking went away why because she felt loved like she never had before and part of the smoking was attached to an emotional decision because she felt like she was judged so much by the world it was a part of the defense mechanism and what God called me to love her he said just love her and be with her and it went away Amen why is this so important and we're gonna end here because so often when we begin to appreciate our spouse for who they are when they are then when things don't quite work out like the Potter the clay didn't quite work what I love about this text it doesn't say that when the clay became marred that he threw it away it says he used the same clay to rebuild it into a new pot oh my goodness I got a bowl question so often we think that a new spouse is the answer to our current problem oh huh you know I'm telling the truth but the text says the same clay he didn't add anything to it he was patient with it and said it's alright I know this clay is designed to work so I'm just gonna rework it again I'm gonna keep working this clay until it becomes the pot I know it can be have you been giving up on your spouse too soon instead of committing to the process and allowing God to work on you and shape you into the couple you know he wants you to be I got a bold question to ask before we we we pray and close is there anybody here you literally have been going through major challenges in your marriage to the point where divorce has been on the table I want you to stand right now I want you to stand right now I want you to stand right now thank you for your courage thank you for your courage thank you for your courage thank you for your courage thank you for your courage thank you for your cane thank you for your colors keep standing keep standing keep standing keep standing as you stand is there any other couple here you know you should be standing but you're too ashamed I'm asking you to fight through don't worry about what people think that's what has gotten you in this problem right now you're to worry about other people's opinions if you know that you need a lifesaver at this spark marriage conference to save your marriage I need for you to stand right now I need you to join those better Stan amen thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you as you stand as you stand as you stand I want every married couple here to raise your hand towards those that are standing if they're in your section raise your hand towards them okay I want to make sure that every couple standing knows that they are covered I want you to know that that the enemy wants you to think that your spouse is too broken to be the right fit for you but God wants me to tell you it's not true the same person you said I do too is the same person God's going to use to take your life to a place you never thought possible and he's going to use that person to take you where you never thought possible God wants me to tell you now is not the time to break the pieces now's the time to put your marriage back on the altar of the Potter and let him build you back again I want you to know that you are not going to break I want you to know that you came here and God is saving your marriage right now I want you to know that the enemy is trying to tear you apart because he knows what your love has already done so he's trying to tell you the love is gone but right now I pray that God will fill the love back up in your marriage and you will begin to fall back in love again the fighting is going to go away the frustration is going to go away and you're going to see your spouse in the love in which you fell in love with them I declare and I decree right now that if you are standing you will not fail God will not let you fall if there's any married couple that wants to stand in agreement with those that are standing right now I challenge you to stand I challenge you to stand I challenge you to say look at the support you had do me a favor I want you to hook up couples that are standing right now hook your neighbor right now let him know you will not fail let us know you will not break let him know God saving your marriage come on hook you hug your neighbor right now let him know God is working this thing out let him know God is building you again let him know God is making you a new let us know yep we might be messed up now but we're in the hands of a power and nothing in God's hands can ever fail including our marriage let them know you're God in here the enemy is not gonna win our marriages I took care and decree protection over our marriages I declare and decree protection over this love the enemy will not get the victory if we gotta go to counseling we're gonna go to counseling if we gotta get therapy we're gonna go to therapy but we're gonna fight till the death for this love and this union who am I talking to right here we go go grab your neighbors hand right now grab your neighbors hand right now and I want you to raise it and it's okay to cross the aisle there's no electric barrier you will not be shocked what God has put together let no man or woman put asunder this was not by your do we it was by his doing and we pray right now dear Lord that she would strengthen all the marriages in the house I pray right now that you would allow the resentments to go away I pray that tonight would be a night word every marriage in this house starts new and it starts with with the communication and conversation of I'm sorry let every spouse apologize to their spouse say hey baby I'm sorry and I want to start fresh I am praying that tonight will be the night of new beginnings I am praying that tonight will be the night when marriages are made again and I am praying right now that in a year's time the marriages in this house will be able to look back to this night and say that's when everything changed that's when we stop judging each other that's when we stop putting these unspoken expectations on one another that's when we started communicating that's when we start accepting and that's when we got back to loving thank you for your pet the power of your love Lord your love dear God operating through us is the most powerful force in the universe and I offer every marriage up to you as a sacrifice and I pray to God that she would bless it that she would seal it and that she would protect it in the mighty name of Jesus thank you for bringing us to this conference it wasn't just a time to be entertained or even inspired but it was a time to renew because there's more work for us to do in the mighty holy masters name of Jesus Christ let all God's children say Amen a man and a man come on you can do better than that you can do better than that you can do better than that [Applause] you

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Keywords: DeVon Franklin, Meagan Good, Meagan Good husband, husband defends meagan good, the wait, the hollywood commandments, the truth about men, franklin entertainment, the success commandments, produced by faith, devon franklin preaching, devon franklin sermon, a healthy marriage, how to prepare for marriage, marriage help, save your marriage, bring of divorce, stop divorce

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Length: 40min 53sec (2453 seconds)

Published: Sun Sep 08 2019