Iliza Shlesinger: “You Ever Catch a Table Corner in the Crotch?” - Full Special

[Music] Comedy Central presents Eliza blessinger [Applause] all right that is what I like to hear that is the lady cheer sounds like more of a mating call at this point it's the girl cheers what girls do to let you know we're here we're ready to go you having fun [Applause] happy to be here where'd you go to school USC how many Trojans where it's like ma'am this is a job interview once you put your shirt down so excited I love New York City I love being here and I love that it's cold here foreign congratulations on your Yankees good for you guys I love that it's cold here I love I love season changes one of my biggest pet peeves though is people who act like because they're from somewhere cold but they don't get cold [Applause] I was in New York last Christmas it's snowing there's a guy in a t-shirt I'm like dude aren't you cold no I'm from New York I don't get cold just because you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold you're not a penguin I was like in fact sir you're Puerto Ricans open and you should be more cold [Applause] I like looking at people with tattoos and just asking we'll get like the weirdest ones I saw a woman at the fair all right she was a handsome woman we'll leave it at that she was it was a bigger she must have been like a linebacker in Middle School I say Medicals because you know way she went to high school this woman [Applause] Wings little no no happens with tattoo she had little angel wings tattooed right here on her shoulder blades okay and I've seen this tattoo on a lot of girls and whenever I see like a big woman with angel wings it's kind of like looking at a penguin [Applause] because I'm sitting there staring at her baffled just like how are those little wings gonna lift that big body guess you're staying here guys like to get the barbed wire what does that say I'm barbed wire I'm a badass why are you just on the one arm is that warning me about the dangers of that arm s i bored you I could be at a bus stop this arm's fine this one could get you in the tooth we don't know what the world have you been warned this guy had barbed wire here but it didn't complete on the inside what that says to me is I'm a badass if you're looking but not if it's owie I like to stay in I don't go out much I like to stay in and listen to music I love rap music I love hip-hop I love rap specifically I like the radio I like to listen to rap on the radio I get weirded out when people don't like the radio like no it's too commercial too corporate I only listen to my own homemade mixtapes of Morrissey and rainforest noises love the radio Love Hip Hop love the radio and Hip-Hop I cannot stand hip-hop station DJs I think they are some of the most irritating people on the planet okay they're incapable of saying anything to you and any voice other than a yell it doesn't matter if the commercial is for a car dealership a weight loss center a carpet cleaning place it sounds like this hey hey your [ __ ] to get your weight loss on y'all want to take your weight loss to the next level y'all want to take your weight loss to the next level get yourself down in the California Health Clinic on the real yo hey being overweight that can lead to diabetes heart failure yo even sudden death and y'all don't want to go out like that go out like that that's kind of a Cavalier way to talk about dying don't you think DJ cash money that's why you talk about basketball I got shut out in basketball 85-0 didn't want to go out like that fine oh I went to jail because I had one beer open in my car while I was driving didn't want to go out like that okay but dying from major heart complications due to early onset diabetes you'll pardon me if I don't want to take my medical advice from some DJ that just got done judging a thick leg contest while wearing a bedazzled Barack Obama shirt pass let me ask you folks a question you ever catch a table corner in the crotch when you're walking too fast it happens that you can't predict it because it's like a snake in the grass it just [Applause] walking I always wear a plastic insert here so it's to deflect oncoming table corners it's a horrible pain you guys walk in a room a restaurant you guys walk into a restaurant you see tables I see a minefield that comes out of nowhere you're just walking like this is so much fun I think I'm gonna get the pudding I'm okay there are two ways to recover from getting nailed in the crock to the table corner that's why I'm here tonight to share this with you the first is a pick and roll that's where you just take that table corner like a champ don't let it affect you this leg stays planted you can pivot around it [Applause] but do not lift this leg or else it's traveling you're gonna get a technical I'll show you what it would look like all right pretend we're out on it this is so much fun I think I'm just gonna get the cheese I don't want any carbs no more bathing suit no cards I'm okay stick The Landing now bear in mind your date just saw you eat crap so you better like explain that one right I didn't fall I was twirling I saw cheesecake I twirled get me a diet soda there's no graceful way to get up from that that's it or you can just do what I did my date told me that I looked like a dinosaur getting hit with a rock when I got nailed in the crotch with a table corner we were out on our date our last date I was probably making Google ads with the waiters and this is so fun you know I'm not gonna make them because water and drink later margarita foreign [Applause] that was me eating a low-flying pterodactyl once you've fallen on a date it's pretty much nowhere to go from here but down it's a sharp pain too so your vomit comes up to here in your throat get that involuntary Trail of Tears not a Native American reference that's just what happens going out also you got to dress up if you're gonna go out tedious pointless guys next time you see a girl in a pair of heels ask her how tall she is she will give you two numbers she'll give you her height and her heel height how tall are you I'm five six I'm five nine in heels girls don't do that no one's interested in how tall you can be we're not picking for basketball teams it doesn't matter they're just trying to talk to you after that initial height it's just Mindless statements after that five six five nine and heels great I can go five miles an hour 80 in a car Mentor Hunters women are gatherers these are your societal roles as dictated by nature men are Hunters women are gatherers except for when it comes to shopping and then women are Hunters but we are the only creatures that will rationalize a kill after we make it a lion runs down a turkey eats it don't think twice about it although why a line and turkey are on the same terrain I don't know this isn't a matter of card been like super confident with myself and that choice I'm just gonna go no there ladies there is a full-on debate between that girl and whatever poor soul she dragged with her that day to the mall it's like was that a good idea those shoes are super cute do you like them I really like them are you sure you like them they're really cute are you sure guys don't do that it's not like who went bear hunting last week I killed a bear but I don't know how I feel about it this friend doesn't swoop in like you know why it's Gucci went you got to spend some time Outdoors you got to hang out with your dad now you have a bear [Applause] I've come up with a couple of minor physical indicators that you can look for in people that will tell you oh this person's a crazy person a couple of physical things you can look for that will tell you oh maybe I should avoid this person during the holiday season starting with that okay so first one the next time you smile at someone and they smile back at you look and see if they're missing this tooth those of you not laughing are missing this too I'll tell you what's wrong with it when you're missing your two front teeth that's honesty that is a door to your oral history you're not covering anything up you're saying hey world I'm missing my front teeth I I'm gross I'm dirty I'm poor I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage don't come near me I'll gum me to death you can go back to eating your cat sandwich whatever you're doing when you have your front teeth but you're missing the creepy side tooth that's a little different because what that says to the world is oh I have my front teeth [Applause] so at some point in my life I had the mental awareness and dental prowess to take care of my front teeth my work teeth my showing teeth my church teeth but somewhere along the line I lost my marbles and I reasoned you know I don't think I need this tooth I'll let it fall out making a lot more Breezy maybe I'll let it fall they put a piece of corn been there maybe I got a new yellow dude I don't need anything I'll spend my dentist money on a scratch off ticket and some beef jerky not foreign women that grow their hair too long just be careful okay looking around to see a lot of very hygienic lengths that's good you all look very clean very nice girls grow your hair long that's fine men love it when women have long hair right men love it when women look like what horses exactly grow your hair long but ladies just know that when you grow your hair too long you got about two inches difference between really hot sexy supermodel religious fanatic hot Maxim Covergirl everybody unhealthy faith in your lord soft silky shiny hair everyone wants to touch one of 12 Brides so thank you he was saying keep your hair trimmed so that people don't think you live on a compound and make your own shoes that's all I'm saying is do that I have a gift for the girls in the audience I think sometimes as women we feel that there are a lot of societal pressures on us right there's a lot of things to do a lot of things to consider from the second you wake up as a girl and the second you wake up in the morning your mind is inundated with a billion questions on how to proceed with your day you open your eyes and it's oh my God I'm a fat I'm a thing should I work out should have breakfast should I get breakfast should I go to lunch should I call my mom should I call my dad should I my space should I Facebook should I Twitter should I do yoga should I do Pilates should I get friend should I get a boyfriend should I get a girlfriend should I get a dog should I get a cat should I get to our cat should I call my friend what should I do so many questions wouldn't it be great if I could answer one of those questions definitively and you'd have that Gem of knowledge you could answer one of these questions you can plan the rest your life around that truth all right so I figured out the answer I figured out the way to answer a very difficult question I figured out a way to tell whether you're hot or not empirically so here's what you have to do the next time you're out wherever you go to meet boys all right a bar a club Little Caesars whatever you like to do and you see a guy that you think is hot go up to him and punch him in the face you're hot he'll be like that was really cute why'd you punch me he's so adorable it didn't hurt come back let me show you how to punch go put your thumb and You're Gonna Break It come here I'll show you come here where are you going away come here come here let me cut your boob uncomfortably while I show you this if you're ugly boom he's knocking you out because no guy's gonna take that from an ugly chick that's your barometer ladies ladies you might lose a tooth but when you come out of that coma you'll know [Applause] I think there are certain rules in life that we blindly follow and never question I was getting dressed the other day and I asked my friend I said what do you think of his outfit and her response was what do you care what people think and my response was I'm sorry why don't you care what people think it's the most important thing in the world I next to next to brushing your teeth it's probably the most important thing in the world I would take these three people liking me over free health insurance in a heartbeat what's the point of living a long time if people think you're an [ __ ] no point you know what happened the last time a group of people said screw it we don't care what you think they got hung as witches [Applause] another one and this is the most important rule if I say anything you're going to listen to tonight this is the most important one you can take this with you this evening never laugh at your significant other when they're having an orgasm that is their time to shine let them have that which brings me to my next point I have a point of contention with a very specific sexual position I'm going to ask you a question what is the name of the sexual position where the female is bent over facing out and the male is behind her what's it called very good New York and I did that joke in Tennessee and the guy's answer was uh mandatory and while he's not incorrect it's not part of the joke so here's my problem with it calling it doggy style makes it sound like only dogs enjoy this position and that's not true all animals have sex in this fashion I don't know if you know all animals have sex with the female bent over facing out who's clapping for that oh all animals have sex with the female bent over facing out and the male behind her human beings are the only creatures that make love facing one another okay all animals have sex that way think about it you've never seen two goats eyes locked like [Applause] I've never seen two cows in a little cow bed looking at each other having sex like [Applause] thank you [Applause] love you for the guy from the data I've collected it seems that it's easier for him okay so for the girl the girl you pretend there's some sex going on up here okay the girl she's bent over texting whatever we do during sex all right she's back here the guy it's you've got stability this is an easy position the girl's down here in a right angle which is only comfortable for squares I don't know and he's here right he's you've got as the guy you've got your stability you've got your center of gravity you've got your mirror set up even though I asked you not to right for the girl never mind the physical stress that comes along with this position a lot of core work right ladies very engaged all muscles tight thank God you took those Pilates classes he gave you for Christmas right doesn't compare the mental stress of having to watch yourself get violated in this fun house of mirrors he's got set up because here's the deal New York I don't care if you're big fat thin small old young it does not matter when you are parallel to the gravitational pull of the Earth gravity comes into play they look like udders he's back there he's like say my name you're like um you guys are fantastic thank you so much yeah okay no no yeah [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 851,490

Keywords: Iliza Shlesinger, Comedy Central Presents, Iliza Shlesinger Comedy Central Presents, Iliza Shlesinger comedy central, Iliza Shlesinger comedian, Iliza Shlesinger stand up, stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, funny, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up, Iliza Shelsinger joe roagn, Iliza Shelsinger mark wahlberg, spencer confidential, full stand up special, stand up special, full special

Id: gcAkwINz9dA

Length: 21min 14sec (1274 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 12 2022