Lewis Black | The Rant Is Due best of Voting

why does the land of the free work so [ __ ] hard to exclude so many people from voting in your election this is dave dave's from australia we have people watching from throughout the world and um they have some interesting things to say because they're watching us is if we're a reality show here in australia we vote on saturdays voting booths are at nearly every public school voting is compulsory here and takes me all about five minutes at most and i stop and buy a barbecue sausage on a piece of bread with tomato sauce on it and a cold drink on the way out money goes to the local school job done democracy served for the next three in a bit years no id no [ __ ] around so those who didn't applaud no nothing didn't didn't move you at all huh not a thing we need ids we need to be sure i think the thing that is key here uh is the is being able to buy a piece of sausage i think that's what it is and i think those of you in the back or a group of orthodox jews who went no no i will not applaud this i am disgusted i just want to say uh since it's the last one before the vote is vote just go vote this is not tough this is not tough you either either like what's going on you don't like what's going on it's not difficult if you don't like what's going on you know who to vote for if you do like what's going on you know who to vote for but you go [ __ ] do it and you don't sit around with your thumb up your ass because it's because the rest of the world gives a [ __ ] about voting and we're the we can't i'm so [ __ ] sick of it i'm so tired of it roll that [ __ ] you can't make a flag that's large enough oh it's the biggest black we got a flag all right okay look at the size of this flag we got a football game today we're going to show you a flag goes up for 600 miles best flag ever it's meaningless it's [ __ ] meaningless it's meaningless if people don't vote we're not enough of us vote it's it's like well we don't feel a part of [ __ ] you then you've made yourself not a part that's what you've done but yet you'll [ __ ] about [ __ ] and yet you'll go boy you're not you're not standing when they uh you know you shouldn't be kneeling i mean it's nonsense you [ __ ] go vote that's the deal it's the one [ __ ] homework assignment you have as an adult [ __ ] that's all you got to do it shows up every two years all right you go there you go [ __ ] and then you got to read the pieces of [ __ ] i got three of them in new york that whatever that [ __ ] that goddamn thing where they go you know do you want to vote on this you know where the the board is thinking of uh you know changing this policy you know the state is thinking of changing that policy that kind of [ __ ] that [ __ ] drives me nuts because i go like yeah i can see it from that side and then i can see it from this side and i can see it from that side and this side too and there's one over there god damn it in california they have 12 000 of those that's why i don't live there they do it's like you know you can you know people shouldn't be able to dye their hair blonde anymore okay all right except for the commercial is always you can almost bank on it being the opposite if they say they're trying to steal your vote yeah it means they're trying to save your vote yeah you know it always is the opposite the commercials here are phenomenal you guys are doing a great job with that the information is really great he [ __ ] sheep he [ __ ] sheep well he's she's [ __ ] goats she's [ __ ] ghosts the goats are cleaner than sheep you need a valid identification to drive and get in a bar but not to vote the reason do you know what the difference is about drive drive and drinky drink and voting the reason is is because there isn't any where has been major voter fraud in this country so you gotta you have to i've been through all the facts you're out of your [ __ ] mind here's why here's why here's [ __ ] why because it's people what are you afraid of we're in a country that people don't even want to [ __ ] vote and you're saying well we really please don't come in here's how we do it new york here's what happens this one's not really tough i've come in you go up they have the names of all the people who live in the four or five six block area is that tough for you to do in missouri is it hard for them to get the names generally we send in our names could you do that do you have mail or did the pony express leave yesterday and then you write the names down and then like i do in new york i go in and they go what's your name louis black they go down the list and there i am and then they check it off and then i go in the voting booth and i vote that's it sometimes they'll ask for an id sometimes they don't but they're not stupid they're not stupid when they don't ask for that id they're pretty [ __ ] smart in new york because what they know is no [ __ ] is going to wander down there and stand in line to vote unless you're that [ __ ] person the most important thing i don't give a [ __ ] what side you're on is go vote that's what you do that's all you got and the reason you vote is this simple okay the reason you walk into a voting booth don't give me the [ __ ] i gotta vote i don't give a [ __ ] i don't care that you don't think it makes a difference [ __ ] you people died so that you could go into that goddamn voting and then maybe eventually it won't be just democrats and republicans maybe some other schmucks will show up who actually speak english and can talk to us and say things because i'll tell you the reason you vote quite simply is this for those of you who it's so [ __ ] difficult you go in there and vote because it's going to be the most miserable [ __ ] day you're going to have all year round and what's good about that is every day that follows you go today was shitty but at least i didn't have to vote this is really great this is really excellent mike said in north carolina we have a proposed amendment to the state constitution on the ballot to preserve hunting and fishing nobody is threatening hunting or fishing as far as i can tell well they are those hondurans are coming up here they're coming up they're coming up for all the fish holidays lyndon natalie points out and this is probably true that north carolina republicans placed a constitutional amendment about hunting and fishing on the ballot to get the redneck republicans to the polls so that the other constitutional amendments would be passed to strip our democratic government of power that's probably that could be true the levels of paranoia now are just spectacular because i don't believe that they're that smart i think that somebody went they're coming to take my hunting and fishing they're taking my hunting fishing that's how [ __ ] dumb we are if you really think that the republicans are that smart you know come the [ __ ] off it i mean pay attention okay they're not geniuses jesus neither side they're both like wow [Applause] this is from matthew morris this one is pretty brutal but in light of what i've uh was what i've been screaming about tonight this is just this is someone else this is not me this is just another human being out of the universe i don't know where matthew is from uh i'm sick of being criticized for caring my whole life people told me to calm down about everything sure sometimes i was out of my [ __ ] mind for thinking the topic was relevant but caring about important [ __ ] shouldn't be shamed i'm sick of people who of i'm sick of people having to not care in order to be cool we have a i'm not going to read this sentence because it's just inflammatory um now man i'm not going to because it's he he gets his point across he's upset about of course donald trump and then he goes and but and they're they're still obsessed about hillary's emails but when i care about our broken voting system i'm told i'm just being a sore loser even though i've been complaining about this since i was in high school trump can literally call his ban on muslims a muslim ban on record multiple times in private and public and my [ __ ] father still will defend him saying it's not a muslim ban and then i'm told to calm down because i see something [ __ ] up and have the decency to say i'm pissed about it and he denies actual reality and tells me i'm overreacting [ __ ] you for telling me what to care about and how to respond to that in fact [ __ ] you for not caring our world is upside down and nothing makes sense anymore i'm agreeing with john mccain i've grown to not revile the ceo of exxon the nfl is actually making some sense to me what the actual [ __ ] nothing matters anymore nothing is rational and i'm sick of people pretending like there's nothing to scream about every damn morning people that tell me to calm down about important [ __ ] are the same types of people that tell kaepernick that he's protesting the wrong way you don't get to decide how people get upset about injustices even if i'm not the target of those injustices i have the [ __ ] capability to empathize with those that are targeted and yet it makes me a little [ __ ] upset the largest mass shooting in this country is history and they have the goddamn balls to say that this isn't a time to talk about gun control [ __ ] people that dismiss righteous indignation people should be upset that's the natural reaction to this we should all be screaming and running outside pulling out our hair over how insane this all is but no i just need to calm down i know you'd like that it's a fun little thing fun little upbeat thing but i thought it was important to read in light of what's going on because i feel like that whatever side you're on that's basically everybody is screaming inside that there's no difference i don't care what you think about colin kaepernick or if like that i find astonishing anyway that all of a sudden i'm supposed to my god look they're they're kneeling but during the national anthem you know what i don't give a [ __ ] i have enough on my [ __ ] plate that i don't give a [ __ ] i got other things did they i've been through this argument is it disrespecting the flag the flag doesn't care it's an inanimate object son of a [ __ ] so gerrymandering is the thing where they redo districts so districts are either at some times if democrats are in charge they're democratic districts and sometimes when republicans are in charge they're republican districts of course it was of course it was invented here you pricks have always been up to some sort of [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah it was only the beginning from there to deflategate i see the line [Applause] no you blew me all you want i have to root for the washington team so [ __ ] you i have continuous pain the season we're not even close to the season starting and i'm already weeping kurt cousins is a quarterback i don't [ __ ] think so so what they do is they jerry man so you get a district like this in north carolina where my friend voted shaped like kind of a square and then they took it and they made it like this they took this district and they did this so that it became a republican district so that now most of if not all of the um the legislature in uh north carolina is republican and that shit's got to stop there's no reason that that either party should be involved in how a um how a state is districted in terms of its voting i mean that's so oh that's i'm glad i took civics big yuck yuck [ __ ] time that was this is from amanda alexandra cortez ocasio don't even get me started on that idiot another reason id should be shown for voting booths first off um amanda she was elected not here so it's called toufsky shitzki okay that's one that's for my area two uh she was elected against some guy who'd been in office for [ __ ] ever and the people went no that's always kind of a step in the right direction you may not like what she's saying but the other thing is she's young and what you're always going to find and this is what's exciting about young people is they say what the [ __ ] is on their mind okay and and you may not like it i know when i was a kid i said [ __ ] that was staggering i'm saying [ __ ] now that [ __ ] freaks me out so imagine what i was saying when i was a kid and you better i don't know how old you are but god damn it you better [ __ ] think back when you when you were a kid did you just sit there and go the whole [ __ ] time i bet [ __ ] came out of your mouth so and guess what she doesn't control the [ __ ] she's one person in congress get a grip and for every one of hers for every [ __ ] that you see on that side there's an [ __ ] on the other side that's what we call the balance of [ __ ] power they're douchebags of kimbo it's congress get a [ __ ] grip and meanwhile he's saying that [ __ ] you're worried about her and he's saying windmills cause ear cancer son of a [ __ ] you picked the wrong night to send that in [Applause] the crybaby people who were protesting their new president-elect when they should be working okay now well here's a point let's get this straight we that most of that protests much of them are taking were taking place in the evening so and a lot of it was college students so they don't have to [ __ ] work okay and so you can't make we have to stop making these [ __ ] blankets i saw this and that says that and you can't just make [ __ ] up that's th or if you're gonna say this tell me where the [ __ ] you [ __ ] found it what's more appalling is not that which has made the [ __ ] up but is that some of the people who were protesting uh didn't vote okay and if you don't vote i don't give a [ __ ] i've said this every goddamn two years if you don't vote you don't get the right to [ __ ] if you didn't go into that voting booth and stand there and weep over what has happened to your country like the rest of us did searching for the lever that says please please kill me now then you don't get the [ __ ] for those of you who have not been to the uh the great state of uh north carolina and uh are afraid to come here because what you've read in the newspaper and the occasional votes that take place down here the way in which they might not pay teachers a normal living wage and they're also they're moving toward a uh i think a final uh reckoning in terms of their their their gerrymandering of this state which is which is which is someone who's come down here for years and uh i just have to say that um you know uh they really they have that gerrymandering thing i don't care which side you're on they just have to stop that [ __ ] what they really need to do you know you don't allow the people you voted into office to decide who votes where you just don't do it what you do i think the fastest way because there's always a what are we going to do how are we going to do this you get 25 five-year-olds you give them a map of the state of north carolina and then you say divide it up into how many districts you have and then tell the children to divide it up into those districts and then you take what those kids did and you put them all together and somebody has a computer and then you take the average of where these districts are and those are the [ __ ] districts i was thinking as i was watching the inauguration how did we get to this point the answer's simple not nearly enough people are getting out to vote the voting numbers were awful actually 48.8 percent that's which is why i also don't think it's a majority because then 60 of the people don't uh like either candidates and then that you take that 60 or 48 and then you get down to like 20 a piece it's i could work the math out for you but you you don't have to i would do that but you know what i'm going to be mean about it because you've been mean to me in something no if i was down here for two more days i would i'm serious i'd forget how to add i don't know how you [ __ ] i don't know how you [ __ ] get anything done and then they say a storm's coming and it's going to be severe well yeah it's going to be a thunderstorm maybe it'll be high winds but they're acting like holy [ __ ] sea monsters are coming they're just offshore fire breathing dragons will arrive at any time [Applause] jesus and this was three days ago they were weeping the weather you can go out today [Music] it'll be all right today it'll be a little lower it's only going to be 75 only 75. not nearly enough people are getting out to vote the voting numbers were awful it should have been a whole lot [ __ ] higher but how do you get people out to vote though they seem to lack any interest to do so i'll tell you how you give the free stuff free stuff is what brings people together free stuff doesn't care if you're black or white if you're rich or you're poor people like getting free stuff you can't actually have things to give to people that would be expensive in a logistical nightmare you give them coupons for free stuff [Applause] i suggest food a free coupon to save money on food [ __ ] yes who wouldn't say yes to a coupon for a free pie at golden corral maybe something for olive garden perhaps whatever the [ __ ] qualifies for food there that was funny i [ __ ] it up but i laughed that in the middle of it maybe something for olive garden perhaps whatever the [ __ ] qualifies for food there free bag of cheetos why the hell not okay that may have shown a little bias for one of the candidates so what the hell offer them a coupon for a free creme brulee somewhere if there's one thing i've learned about americans is that they love getting deals on stuff and food combine the two and you'll double the number of people voting it can also double as the test of patriotism the question wouldn't be why didn't you vote it would be you don't want free food you're not a goddamn american next time go to vote and get your damn coupon you selfish [ __ ] bastard it's been a pleasure spending time with you thank you for coming out tonight

Channel: Lewis Black

Views: 228,760

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Id: D2C4LFfKM9I

Length: 22min 31sec (1351 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 01 2021