Kyle's Story of Messing with a Co-Worker During His Car Sales Days | PKA

and we're live pka every now and then i have gone on the road with like a comic i don't know and there are and and they're like hard to talk to and that's so weird to me because most comics have opinions about everything there might be terrible opinions we will talk [ __ ] about anything you could tell me something i've never heard about before and i'll instantly have an opinion about it like it i may be being a dick about it but but it's a conversation and when if i'm ever on the road with someone who like i can't talk to i'm just like how are you ever gonna make it as a comic like i i don't understand you're not a professional communicator as you said woody obama used to say that about uh his senators he's like by and large everyone who is a senator up here has won a popularity contest so mostly you know they're pretty nice guys to spend time with he's like but every once in a while it's like how did you get this job how did you become a senator because that happens too yeah i guarantee that's how it is in politics the same way it is in sales like kyle would know where you're like man you got a bunch of people who are really qualified and good at talking to people and getting them rolling on certain patterns but then every once in a while there's a blithering [ __ ] that finds his way into that richard donville i still remember that motherfucker's name richard the [ __ ] blithering [ __ ] of the car dealership dude he needed the money too that was the worst part like like i i if i if i sold 12 cars a month i was swimming in cash i had so much money as a 19 year old you know it was just all so much extra money because i had no bills it was just free money rich had a family he had wife and like two kids and he had like gotten fired from like a real job like i don't know what he did before like but but he had all of his old suits from his old job and like he'd come in there with his hair all slicked back and the dark circles they got darker every day under his eyes and his suits that got more and roaring don't respect me was it gill from the simpsons yes it's gill from the simpsons oh gill's gonna get them this time oh gil this is the day where you're gonna bring it home how yeah shelley's been telling you cheryl whoever's been telling you for so long that's not gonna work oh you're gonna sell a car thank you you're gonna sell a car today and kyle's not gonna steal your chair wrong on both counts rich wrong on both counts you ain't selling [ __ ] and i'm stealing your car because i'm 19 years old but i don't give a [ __ ] my like my favorite people my favorite people in the world are comedians and my least favorite people in the world are comedians i would still rather talk to those least favorite people in the world than like someone who can't [ __ ] tell a story this [ __ ] yeah this [ __ ] was about to sell a car one day well maybe maybe not he was at the point of a car sale where you have a customer sitting at your desk you are going back and forth to a manager with the numbers right they're like ah i don't think i want to pay that but i would pay this and he's like well i'll go see what the manager says and he's like walking back over with the papers so while he's doing that i'm watching discreetly from my desk with my my best buddy and i'm like watch this [ __ ] and so i i sort of walk over to his desk and our desks aren't in like offices they're in like a big common space and uh and the customers are a bit distracted they're looking at an suv that's behind them you know we're in a showroom so there's cars parked all around us so they're kind of looking back at i think maybe even the car they were thinking about buying and when they do i just casually walk by grab his [ __ ] office chair the salesman and leave with it and i i don't just put it behind the next desk i [ __ ] leave with it it's gone it's on the other end of the showroom behind a [ __ ] honda or some [ __ ] and then it's gone so now he comes back to his desk and he's like well i got some where the [ __ ] is my chair and you can tell he's just so awkward because he doesn't have a chair now but he wants to present these numbers you can tell he's been thinking about what he's going to say when he gets back to this desk it's he's got it i'll say this and now this massive wrench has been thrown into the works that is the fact that he doesn't have a [ __ ] chair he can't even sit with them so he just awkwardly stands there sort of leaning on the desk and we're just watching just melting down laughing our asses off because he didn't belong this is the guy with all the kids that you're [ __ ] with yeah those hungry hungry kids kyle do you know how he eventually killed himself or yeah yeah it was pills oh my god it said [Laughter] carbon monoxide it's like he did well we had to push him out you know like like it's like um i don't know what describe it as you know it's like there's we're in the ocean and everybody's sort of kicking and treading water for survival and we've only got eight gallons of water because that's all mom put in the boat and you just look over there you're like that guy is really having a hard time treading water you should check under the stairs there might be more water i think that maybe if he were to die today we'd all have more water and maybe the coast guard finds us and that's that was the situation with rich he was there there was only so much water so if i understand this right you're 19 you have so much money more than you know what to do with you're so fabulously rich i'm just you know just buying paintball stuff yeah yeah that i that i don't have time to use so what you should do is bully this poor guy with a wife and children who's having a hard time he's really real low point in his life so that you can have more coast guard water or something that's exactly what we did and he uh he he was moved from sales moves quote unquote uh he was actually um told that he was not going to be selling cars anymore because he couldn't sell cars he was never going to be able to sell cars he was wasting his time there and and just prolonging the the slow death that is a bad car salesman's life and so they moved him to like this internet department so then he worked for us as like a secretary which was much better now he would like butter customers up over the internet and then he would come to someone like me and he's all right kyle this guy's coming in to look at this truck he's he can do this this and that and then i'd sell him a [ __ ] car because i i can do that and he couldn't do it he was never going to make it but he was we were putting him in his out of his misery while entertaining ourselves because we were working [ __ ] 80 hours a week woody i think what you missed in the story the moral of the story is that kyle's a hero there's an act of kindness to where he saved this guy from making more money i saved lots of people for making more money and it yeah absolutely no he wasn't gonna he was never see he wasn't gonna sell him a car because he couldn't sell him a car what he was doing was wasting water he was wasting customers and we all hated that like you're gonna sell every customer a car but there's a percentage at with that of failure at which point you're just like dude dudes just dribbling it up remember when frodo i hope taylor's here in this part remember when frodo and sam are climbing up the [ __ ] mount of mountain of doom at the end and uh and don't spoil it and frodo's out of [ __ ] water and sam's like here have some of mine and frodo grabs sam's water and he like spills it all down his chin he's wasted a huge amount of the few drops they have left that was rich rich needed to go and so we got rid of them and we did that to lots of people if somebody came in and they were good at car sales we couldn't [ __ ] them up if if i took a good salesman's [ __ ] chair he'd come in there like the fawns and like slid on the desk or something or he'd told them all to come with him rich had a meltdown by the end of that day like he got pissed he got a red face where's my chair people are taking my chair ah get out of here rich go back to the beach i gotta take kyle i wasn't on your side until the lord of the rings analogy and now thank you and now you understand you don't understand it and but now again circle of life there's only so much water there's 25 [ __ ] people drinking out of it they add a 26th person and if that person can't [ __ ] drink without dribbling it down their chin we don't want them there does it matter that kyle had more water than he knew what to do with the you know i i earned every drop of it um i when i bought a car um the salesman like i was i was already i had walked in going here's the car that i want i saw that it's on your lot um i'd like to buy it and they're like do you want to test drive it i'm like i've i've driven one before i'm sure it's fine i'd like to get in and out of here as quickly as possible they already had the sale just happened to be the the person who i was talking to is the one who gets the sale yeah and like i'm sitting there and uh it is by the way i walked in right before closing so there's no reason for another customer to be coming in after me when i've already been at the desk for 20 minutes so someone walks in with what looks like an empty envelope rest the same as all the other sales people and the woman who's trying to sell me the car just go just like oh hey dave good to see you what are you doing here and he goes just just paying for the prius that's what i was that's what i was buying as well it was just painful and uh she goes well how do you like it he goes well what i feel doesn't matter my friends are all jealous and isn't that the point hmm i just got her i just look at her and i'm friends with jealous of his priesthood it's a setup they're [ __ ] selling [ __ ] or a boy yeah and i just say to her and i go i'm already buying the car what are you trying to do she's like what whatever you're talking about i was like that guy just he's going to another you know what i forget about it so then when i was with the finance guy afterward i asked him i just go hey how do the commissions work with uh with the sales here do you get any of it and he goes if i help sell the car yeah i go so if you help sell this car you get like half the commission and he goes yeah and i go put down that you're the reason i bought the car [Laughter] smart because i was just like [ __ ] that [ __ ] like i was already i was already buying it that stupid community theater [ __ ] she tried to pull on me you know it cost her whatever a thousand dollars or whatever the hell the commission was good and the finance guy was very pleased with how that went down it wasn't a thousand dollars but it cost her money that's good that's good he was a nice guy i like pettiness as well so that that's that's i love that they had a ringer come in i love the prius i can't wait to get going 0 to 60 in a minute and a half count me in yeah in theory they were trying to sell me some additional warranty and my philosophy on these is that if it was a good deal for me then you wouldn't sell it to me right like that's the thought you know obviously they've worked out that if i pay an extra thousand a year on this thing i probably get less than a thousand a year in repairs and that's why they're selling it to me that's that's my that's what's in my head so he's laying it out and i listen to him politely but like obviously i'm waiting for it to end and uh no so he goes to a cheaper option a cheaper option we go through a couple of them and i'm like dude like i just i'm laying out there this isn't happening and he's like well if you're going anywhere at least get there fast and he skipped to the end and we signed the papers i loved it yeah um it is a good deal a lot of the times because what what they've actually factored in is over over the course of all of our customers how many will actually have x y and z issue that costs one two and three multiplied by how many customers will actually remember they have a warranty and use it you know minus what you're paying times x amount of customers uh like we sold this thing called permaplate which didn't even exist which uh was supposed to be like a fabric um uh like like uh coating that that repelled stains and liquids and it was supposed to be a fabric coating yeah like we had these swatches of fabric that had been treated with a thing called perma plate and you could pour like [ __ ] coca-cola on these like suck um uh cloth seats and it would just roll off like water like it was glass pretty cool i guess you know if you got kids especially and you've got cloth seats uh but but we and and also in the paint it prevented it was supposed to prevent like sun damage uv damage and fading and all that [ __ ] but the thing is we didn't actually put it on the cars like ever like i because because i remember it was seven hundred dollars seven hundred dollars for to have perma plate applied to your car and uh i remember asking a manager once i was like so um do all the cars already have it on them and then we just try to sell it or do they apply it if we sell it because it's an it's an addition thing that i would sell as a salesman um you know like during the car sale it wasn't the finance [ __ ] that happens with the warranties it was before that and he's like yeah something like that and i was like what well it's either one or the other either it's on them all already or it's on none of them already and they're gonna put it on he's like you know there is a third option you know it's really about nothing like what do you mean it's about peace of mind is it well you get a warranty when you buy the perma plate and if you get a stain then uh you know we fixed the seat i was like okay all right but there's a good little bit of of advice if a salesman says that it's for your peace of mind you don't need it what it was guaranteed it the thing was i could sell permaplay for a hundred dollars or a hundred ten dollars i would just make numbers up sometimes i've sold it for a thousand before like like just making the numbers up as i went along just sell it for whatever and they'd be like sure whatever [ __ ] oh 100 primer plate yeah just write it up let's go because it's just extra and what you're actually buying was a warranty there was no coating on your car your seats are regular [ __ ] seats but you just bought a warranty that says if your seats ever [ __ ] get stained they'll replace them [ __ ] it was a huge value when you got to the bottom of it because no one and i mean no one ever came back in and said i've got a stain on my seat they never did it once i've never heard of it no one no one ever saw it happen it never occurred no everyone forgot you mean it was a huge value for you as a salesperson no no for you as a customer if if i were selling uh that car to to my best friend in the world i'd be like let's get the perma plate on there get it on the contract we'll let's just do it make 100 or 200 if we can but if you've got to pay 700 for this let's do it because if you ever [ __ ] get a stain on your seat they're not just gonna massage the stain out they have to replace that [ __ ] they have to replace the they have to re-fabric your whole what i'm getting out of this is you would have up-charged your hypothetical best friend i'd have sold my best friend i've sold my best friend one of the most fantastic warranties in existence on the planet that allows them at any time for like you really put into the [ __ ] didn't you no it was real it doesn't not only would you [ __ ] you would have sold your best friend had an extra empty seat right next to you sure as there are two chairs behind my desk for some reason this is a good deal even better you see there's like all right here see this chair right here it's been coated with perma plate let's pour a whole coca-cola on it you notice that that's soaking in and really staining the fabric well it doesn't make a [ __ ] because the warranty still covers it am i right 20 minutes later the richness [Laughter] i don't make nearly enough of this part to clear them up oh yeah the salesman kyle he says to them it will get mustered right out what he does is spray the mustard i begin to suck it up but he'd never get out thankfully he pulled him away before they noticed [Laughter] i want to go home every warranty i feel like they have some actuary who's figured out that you know they're selling me a thousand dollar thing because they know it'll have less than that in repairs it's about health it's actually you're you're a million percent right and the thing that like says hey i'm sorry kyle's saying hey if you take advantage of the warranty it's actually become a better deal the trouble is i feel like i don't i bought warranties on a handful of furniture and like even though i think not long ago our couch dog peed or something that so i call them up like hey we got the full warranty and they're like oh this isn't really the number you need to call this other person you need to work with the salesman who sold it to you doesn't work here anymore and there's this run around that we eventually found was like more of a pain in the ass than like steam cleaning the couch [Music]

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Id: vqJkC7McKeY

Length: 18min 25sec (1105 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 25 2020