- Like flashings,
like a flirty, like... [giggles] This was just,
[grunts] <i> [dark electronic music]</i> ♪ <i> [cheering and applause]</i> - Hello, everybody. Welcome
to "This is Not Happening." I'm your host, Ari Shaffir,
and tonight it's all stories
about romance. [cheering] <i> I fucking love him.
You'll love him too.</i> <i> Give it up for
Mr. Kyle Kinane, everybody.</i> - This story takes place
a little over a decade ago. It was right before I moved
to Los Angeles. I was kind of making my rounds
with friends, so-- [clears throat]
talking to a buddy, and he's like,
"Yeah," I'm like "Hey, man, I'm leaving soon,
so if you got any time to get together," he said,
"I'm having a birthday party "with some co-workers.
Uh, come on out, just-- You know, hang out with
the co-workers, have a drink." Say bye before you split town."
So I did that. [clearing throat] I met him
at a bar called Durty Nelly's, 'cause God knows there's not
enough Irish bars called Durty Nelly's
in the world. So I go and I meet up
with my buddy. I get there,
my buddy's day job-- I-I know him from when
we played in bands, so it's like weird,
it's like seeing like, like old punk rock buddy,
but his day job, he taught severely
developmentally disabled kids, and that was--
that was his day job. And that's a--that's a hard job.
Like it only my-- I couldn't even put myself
in the shoes of people that do that job,
like to deal with, you know, severely developmentally
disable--and you're there, and I-I got to the bar
and it was all teachers from the school,
and they all-- They were drinking because
they needed to drink, and they--and they had the looks
on their faces, like--like Vietnam veterans
have softer looks on their faces, then
the people that teach, like, the special ed that they taught. Like, I mean, like GG Allin
can walk around with shit smeared on him, but he knows
where that shit came from. It came from his own ass. Fuck GG Allin, all right? Talk to a teacher of
developmentally disabled kids, like, "Yeah, I got shit on me.
I don't know where it came from. My back's turned,
and I don't have another shirt. Get some more shots."
That's who-- That's who was drinking
at the bar that day. And--and God bless them
for doing that. You know? For little to no pay
that they're doing that job, and they're all
just fucking drink-- It wasn't even beers,
it was just shots. You can cla--
Yeah, applaud for it, yeah. They bust their ass
and somebody's doing that. Thank God
that they're doing that, but they drank
like they did that job. They were like I said.
There was no-- There was no buffer rounds,
there just be a plate of shots. And then, like, "Wait, we're
gonna wait for the beers?" "We're not drinking beers,
pussy, just drink your shots. Plural.
We each get three." "Okay." So we're just--
We're just drinking. Just blah, like I got there,
but they-- It was--It's still daylight. [laughter]
They're school teachers. They were done at 4:00. It's 4:30, and they're just...
[growls] And, uh, you know, as the shots
are going in, 'cause you know-- cavorting and carousing,
you know, that's it. You know, you deal
with that trauma every day, and you release it
however you can. So all the teachers are
mingling, getting together, who's talking to who,
and now I'm left in the side room
with a--with a gal. And there wasn't even--
really any flirting there was just some talking,
and then she was-- Well, she--she was flirting
with me--she started flirting. Her way of flirting was to--
She just flashed me... with a-- where there is a--with a totally
ineffected face. [laughter] That's so off-putting. [laughter] - Like flashings,
like a flirty, like... [giggling] This was just,
[grunts] [laughter] And then she just left
her shirt up. Maybe she wasn't even flashing. Maybe she was just
airing out her boobs. I don't know,
but just like shirt was up, and she'd look at me,
and then she'd like start doing
something else, like, "I feel like having
a cigarette." She digged through her purse,
like, "Put your boobs-- Put your boobs away. "This is a bar and grill,
ma'am. And it is almost dinner time." So that was the--
That was the flirting. That was it.
That was me and-- My guess, me and you. Unless I'm reading--
This messages are getting mixed. Unless the airwaves
are getting scrambled. I think we're flirting 'cause your shirt's been up
for 20 minutes and I have just been
looking at it. So then she goes,
"Let's go to my car." That was it.
There was... no kissing, no necking, as the young folks
like to call it. No old-fashioned necking. "Let's go to my car."
"Okay." 'Cause I've been having
all the shots too. I've been drinking
like a teacher of... developmentally disabled people. I'm not built for that.
So I was pretty shithouse. So we walk out,
and her car's right there, in front of the door. She was the first one
at the bar. [laughter] So we just--
We get in her car. And,
"Okay, what are we gonna do? Chit-chat?
Get to know each other?" "No. Fellatio." Just like that.
Just like, "Oh, I guess I'll get
in your--What is this? Like a '89, '88?
What--Oh, oh, Lord." Just--Just right,
just there and I don't-- Because it's--Like I said,
it's still daylight. There--there people going
to get meals. And I'm also drunk,
so I'm like-- Part of me is like,
"Fuck, whoo!" And--and another part is like,
"Stop! Stop it! "There's a children section
of the menu for this place. Knock it off!" And so I'm like, "We should--We should go around
the corner or something." She's like, "Ugh." She was disgusted
by the idea of privacy. "Ugh!" So, uh, fires up the car,
and we pull out. I don't know
how much shit we ran into, but just, turn the wheel
and just bumper bowled. We find a parking spot
or a yard or something. And, uh-- And there's just-- So there's some,
like, messing around, but nothing,
and I'm like, "I don't-- This shouldn't happen,
but it's-- It's a mixed emotion
to be like, "Am I taking advantage of you,"
or I'll also be like, "Stop, stop touching.
Stop, stop. "No, s--get--no.
Get out. You get out of there."
And-- But then I feel like,
"No, I really shouldn't. And, um... then she's like, "Well, I'm just
gonna drive home." And that can't happen. At this moment,
she's a threat. She's a threat
to the community... And that's when I realized that just, out of pure
civic responsibility... I have to have sex
with this woman. [laughter and applause] To keep the streets
safe for the kids! And, all right, if-- If keeping
you off the roadways for a few more minutes saves a life,
here we go. And then we were both
just dipping in and out of consciousness
through the whole thing. There's nothing--
I mean, I don't care how many, you know,
Bruce Springsteen, Bob Seger tunes
you hear, like, ♪ Well,
we had sex in the car ♪ ♪ It was fumbly, but it was
hot and sweet and innocent ♪ It sucks.
No, it sucks. It's just shitty,
and you're trying to have sex and there's just a gear shift that's almost poking you
in the ass, and part of you is like,
"Maybe," and you're like,
"Yeah, don't." Only at the fact
that one of you get excited, bump it into neutral,
now you're in the traffic. So and then you got one knee
in the fucking change cup and the other one
in the ashtray, and nothing's hot about it. It's just clumsy and shitty,
and maybe you come, and maybe you fall asleep
and who knows what happens. [laughter] Either way, we both
wake up from a nap, and, uh... Both pantsless. Just waking up from a nap
pants-- Both just Daffy Ducking,
right in the front seat there. You know, that
that we were all-- Whatever--whatever
we built up to, it's happened. So how do we...?
What do you--What do you do? Small talk, I guess. Just like, "[laughs],
so...moving to California." [laughter] She just goes, "My kids live
in California." And--and she took out a picture
of her kids. Her kids were as old as I was. Like I'm thinking,
"Kids," like, "We're having sex, so your kids, like,
"No, your kids are-- Oh, my God, how many?
Jeez, you got hot kids, lady. Oh, I just banged the mom
of some hot kids." That was the end
of that effort. "Moving to California?
Look at my hot kids!" All right.
Dead end. Still sitting there.
It's rude to leave, you know? Plus, we were still drunk.
I don't know. And suddenly I see a cassette
tape laying there, I'm like, "Oh, all right.
Look at that, oh, Journey." Thank God.
Everybody likes Journey and how metaphoric, because
what has this evening been? [laughter] She takes it off my hand,
now she gets mean. She takes it off my hand,
she's like, "That Journey I taped over it!"
"Oh, no!" "With what?
A slightly better band?" "No."
Puts it in the cassette deck. Christian rock music.
"Oh, mm, mm." Which she promptly starts
singing along to, because she realized
she sinned. So I thought I was gonna just-- I thought I was gonna
not stop believing. Now I don't
believe in anything. [laughter] I still don't wanna leave.
It still seems rude to leave. Like, maybe she just likes
the chord progressions. She was like, "Oh, it's not--
It's not Journey for sure. It's Christian.
You're a Christian?" And somehow we just let logic to where...she just-- Forgetting that she believed
in Jesus, decided to get real upset and say,
"It's all your fault, because the white man stole
my people's land." At no point did we discuss ethnicity at all in the evening and, um... "I'm gonna go." [laughter] That is kind of a good argument
against the white guy. It's just, "You stole
my people's land." "You got--
You got me." [laughter] "I don't know what else to do.
Did we wear a condom? Never mind.
I'm gonna go." And, um... I just, uh--Yeah, I left. I got out of the car
at that point, 'cause I realized there was
nothing I was gonna do that was gonna remedy
the situation, and, uh... I hope she's well. There's no...cool moral or a sweet little bow
on the story. Just a--Just a yarn about
how I stuck my dick where it shouldn't have gone. [laughter] That's it,
so thanks, everybody. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i>
IMO this is much funnier than the average "This is Not Happening." This show mostly consists of stand-up's telling awkward or uncomfortable stories based on a specific theme. I thought he did a great job compared to many before him, to both tell his story and make it funny
Kyle has amazing stand up but this was strange. He's usually depressing and awkward, but in a fun way. He just seemed straight up depressed and awkward. Still liked it just not quite what I expected from him.
Underwhelming.