(Some of) The Best of John Mulaney

sometimes when people order fries they act like it's a little adventure maybe like should we get a plate of fries for the table should we do it should we share some falls they're gonna make sure that everyone's on board with it it's like if I get fries you'll have a couple right if I get fries to the table you I know you left fries if I get fries should we do it let's be bad come on let's do it all right we're gonna take a plate of fries it's like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together thank you I actually just quit drinking a couple months ago because uh-oh I'm not exactly slap happy about it myself but I had a problem because I was blacking out all the time and I wasn't I talked to my doctor and he said it's not that you drink too much it's just that after a couple major blackouts you black out easier and easier after that so I would just have like a couple drinks in my brain would be like okay I see where this is headed we're just gonna power down now and get restarted sometime tomorrow morning the morning the morning after a blackout though is so strange because I always feel like this detective trying to solve the mystery of how I got home the night before it's the case of the empty wallet and the for some reason bleeding me and luckily I can get right on the case because I'm still fully clothed from the night before [Music] he's always weird when I go out with like some money and blackout and wake up with no money it was a lot weirder when I go out with some money blackout and wake up with more money earned money that men can I had traded goods and/or services and blacked out it's not anything wholesome it's not like I was temping at a real-estate office so I have this new phenomenon in my life where like late at night on the street women will see me as a threat that is funny yeah that is silly that is silly it's kind of flattering in its own way but at the same time it's weird because like I'm still afraid of being kidnapped honestly but I'll give you the best example of this a few months ago I was at a subway station at two o'clock in the morning all right and at this station I'm changing trains and you have to walk down this long hallway in order to change trains so it's 2 o'clock in the morning it's just me and this woman and we're walking along and she's walking a few yards ahead of me but she keeps giving me like like the over the shoulder like that you know and then she starts to pick up the pace she starts to walk a lot faster so I think oh she must hear the train coming well you know maybe she feels it in her feet like a Native American so I start to I start to sprint down the hallway at him and she looks back and she's like and then she gives chase right so now we're booking it down the corridor at two o'clock in the morning and I'm gaining on her I'm gaining on her and we're getting to the end of the hallway and she starts to go into that like dead-end shuffle you know that women do when you chase him and I'm almost at her I'm almost at her and then it dawns on me oh she's running from me because in her eyes I'm an adult and adults rape each other so I wanted to go up to her and be like hey whoa no no I'm not like I'm not like a I'm not a man I'm some stupid Punk you know but I think that that would be equally creepy as if you were in a subway station at two o'clock in the morning and I chased you down grabbed you and said I'm not gonna rape you I'm a little boy years ago I was walking down the street and a homeless guy came up to me and he walked up to me and he pushed me like that he pushed me in the chest and then he said these things in this order he pushed me and he said excuse me I am homeless I am gay I have AIDS new in town you're gonna close with new in town that is not the most dramatic thing that you just said as they say in the movie Jerry Maguire you had me at AIDS here's how I would have ordered those things I have said excuse me I'm new in town and it gets worse didn't that guy practice his like pitch it all in the mirror that morning and just figure out what he was gonna say you know it's like in the morning just be like all right what am I gonna do today what am i doing all right I'll walk up and say hello no just too subtle pushing pushing and I'm gonna say I'm new in town no no hold back hold back saver bill did that push it I go I have AIDS no that's too strong I will start with the fact that I am homeless as that is the given then full back story I will pepper in the fact that I am gay which I know it's tough for gay youths on the street but that's not like a reason for money you can't be like hey would you help me out I'm very gay I'm like a few dollars I always loved how we phrased it by the way he didn't say I'm living on the street he said I'm new in town like it was intriguing like he wanted me to set him up with somebody like I have a friend who's like this no single guys left in Manhattan and I'm like I know someone who's new in town what are three other things about him my girlfriend is a Jewish woman which is I did on purpose that's kind of creepy I don't mean like I got one I mean like I I I'm not Jewish but I've always really liked Jewish people I just like them a lot and I really like dating Jewish women they're great because like I think a lot of problems that people have in relationships are with communication because guys don't know what women are thinking and with Jewish women you do not have to guess what they're thinking they will tell you my girlfriend's wonderful though I listen to everything my girlfriend says I don't mean she bosses me around I just listened to everything she says because before I had a girlfriend I never had someone who's always standing next to me who can just point out obvious things that are happening like we'll be in a restaurant and my girlfriend will be like you ordered your food an hour ago it should be here by now and I'm like yeah it should it's like having a lawyer for everyday life should be like the bus driver shouldn't talk to you that way and I'm like now he shouldn't before I had a girlfriend I had no standard for how I should be treated as a human being you could do anything to me I was just like a young Motown singer I was just shiny and dumb and easy to trick give me a whole hundred dollars for all of my songs where do I sign mr. Barry Gordy and now when I'm not with my girlfriend you can still do anything to me I will tolerate any treatment like I travel alone sometimes you know and I'll put up with anything you know like I'll book a ticket on some garbage airline you know I don't want to name an actual airline so let's just make one up let's call it like Delta Airlines so I'll book a ticket on Delta Airlines and I'll show up at the airport then I go can I get on the plane now please and they go now it's delayed nine hours and I go okay and I go to the bathroom and then I come out of the bathroom and I go any updates and they go yeah we took off while you were in the bathroom because we hate you I take this meal voucher that doesn't work go fetch and I go okay and I go over to the Wolfgang Puck Express and I go can I have a sandwich please and they go no and I go okay and they go you're a little fat girl aren't you and I go no and they go say it and I go I'm a little fat girl and then I go over to the Delta helpdesk which is an oxymoron and I go can I please go home on an airplane they go no in fact we're gonna frame you for murder you're gonna go to jail for 30 years and I go why are you doing this to me and they go because we're Delta Airlines and life is a nightmare I'm sorry I was indisposed I'm sorry I'm sorry I was indisposed I am almost jinxed it out there because I have a mic on and I had to pee I mean I that's what going peeing with a lavalier on is now called jinx in it and I went into the bathroom and I was like I don't know I was like this is so ridiculous you behave differently now in light of the jinx I mean he always dressed it up a little when you had a microphone on in the bathroom but now you really have to be worried so the only thing I did differently because I peed regular and stuff and I didn't talk to myself at all but I washed my hands like loudly and and traditionally with lather and everything being like the sound guy must think I'm the best real quick before I get into anything the nine thing about it the jinx is my favorite show ever that I hope doesn't win an Emmy because no for real cuz who's gonna win the Emmy that Andrew Jarecki and the HBO people I don't have this much venom for him but all those people are gonna get up there and get an Emmy and who should get an Emmy our little friend our dear friend Bobby the jinx should win every Emmy that's ever been invented he has been more this guy is so good at being on TV did you see the jinx did you see it young girl did you see the jinx this guy this guy this guy killed three people and yet you'll watch it young lady and you'll go I like this guy why do I like this guy how old are you you're 13 perfect age you'll be sitting there and you go look at me I'm 13 and I love this guy and I asked what's your name Lucy that's great so I I asked my wife I was like why do people keep marrying the jinx and she went oh I get it she said because he's so confident and Lucy he is confidence is the biggest currency we have you know no no this is prepared material Lucy coz think about it Lucy no one in the OJ Simpson trial won an Emmy from 94 to 95 there you didn't need to watch any TV shows there's thing called OJ Simpson trial and it was the it was the best thing that ever happened on TV ever is a murder trial sounds terrible right it was so goddamn entertaining these people delivered everyone in that trial delivered they went up and they went what's your name I'm Kato Kaelin all right here's the ball on the tee and a nadie would knock it out of the park and there was a guy named Johnny Cochran and this guy does not have an Emmy he's dead he died he died without an Emmy and this was the most entertaining man you'd love him Lucy this guy would put on a knit cap and goof around with the murder evidence either one of two things happen and we truly don't know either Oh Jay Simpson murdered his wife and then like took off a glove and was like you know did like throw it over his shoulder was like done with that glove you hide of that I do he threw away his glove or a cop planted the glove both very entertaining so OJ had to try on the gloves in front of the jury Lucy I know you all know this I'm telling Lucy and he gets out he's like oh these are my gloves and he tries to put him on he goes he actually bit his tongue go watch it it's on YouTube I watched it recently keep going right and then he goes like thanks very much for listening to me my name is down you're really fun thank you [Music]

Channel: Comedy Central

Views: 8,456,234

Rating: 4.9612417 out of 5

Keywords: John Mulaney, John Mulaney comedian, John Mulaney stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedians, comedian, compilation, New in Town, Live at Gotham, Comedy Central Presents, John Mulaney New in Town, Best of John Mulaney, fries, drinking, sober, blackout, women, subway, threat, funny, homeless, gay, Jewish, Delta Air Lines, The Jinx, bathroom, Robert Durst, O.J. Simpson, trial, funny video, comedy videos, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, best comedy, best stand up

Id: 1MBjJMMKASQ

Length: 14min 5sec (845 seconds)

Published: Sat Oct 12 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/lenmister654]

Idk it was kinda expected