- It's long enough for
both of us to be like, "What is happening?
(laughing) "Why are we fighting?" (soft dubstep music) - Welcome to This Is
Not Happening presents Fisticuffs. If you've never been
to the show before this is a bunch of comics
telling fun stories about real shit that happened. Give it up for Kurt Braundhler
everybody, let him hear it. (audience applauds) - Give it up for Ari
everybody, keep it going. Okay. Hi. This is gonna be a
story about my first and last bar fight ever. I know you're looking at
me, you're going, "Only one? "Tough guy like you?" I realize I look
like a camp counselor for a camp that only
teaches feelings. But I did get into a
fight at a bar once. So the setting is, it was
my friend John's birthday and so we went to this
bar and I love this bar. This is my favorite bar to go to because they had
ice in the urinals. And ladies, I don't
know if you know this but sometimes bars will
put ice in the urinals and I love that. Because then I can imagine that my penis is a giant laser and I'm just destroying
Eskimo villages from space. And, oh, this bar is located
in Baltimore, Maryland. I used to live in Baltimore, has anybody ever
lived in Baltimore? No? Alright. Baltimore is a
fucking crazy place and it encourages a very
love hate relationship with its citizenry. Like, I remember, the only
way I think about Baltimore is I think about Baltimore
the same way I think about my alcoholic, autistic cousin. Like, most of the time I
don't know what you're doing and every once in
a while I'm like, "That is how many
nickles are in that jar. "Are you magic? "You seem magic,
you seem magic." I love you Baltimore. In fact, while I lived there
Kurt Schmoke was elected mayor. And he was elected mayor
on a literacy platform because 20% of Baltimore
could not read. He gets elected,
takes all the money for the literacy
program and builds the Baltimore Ravens
football stadium and then, with like the
remaining 10 cents left over just has painted
on every bus stop Baltimore: the city that reads. But every single one I ever
saw had been vandalized to read, Baltimore:
the city that breeds. But they just put a
B in front of reads so they all said Baltimore:
the city that breads. 'Cause they're illiterate. You see Baltimore writes
a joke for itself. And that's why you
love it so much. So we go to this bar. We go to this bar specifically
'cause we want to dance. 'Cause we're tough guys. You know how tough guys like to go out dancing with each other. And the DJ is horrible. The DJ is terrible. The DJ's name is DJ Jazzay. He named himself that. We drink so much
the bar closes down and kick everybody
out onto the street. And so we're all outside
waiting just to do nothing. There's nothing else to do. And I don't know why
John decided to do this but he leans over to
me and he just goes, "Hey man, I think DJ Jazzay
just called you a douchebag." And now DJ Jazzay
was pretty far away. I don't think John could've
heard him if he did do that. But at the time I was very drunk and I was also
really into spelling. Just as a concept. I would just spell out
everything for fun. I was a real piece of shit. So my response to this
news is to just start scream spelling douchebag
at the top of my lungs. Just, D-O-U-C-H-E B-A-G, D-O-U-S-C-H-E B-A-G. I don't even know how
to spell douchebag but I am scream spelling it. Now, why I'm doing that,
agreed is confusing but why DJ Jazzay chose
to take offense at it is still beyond me. But he does. And he approaches me
and he gets in my face. And at this point now I'm still
scream spelling douchebag. Now I can understand
why he's upset. And he gets up in
there and I'm like, oh, I'm gonna have a fight. And then I was like,
gotta come up with a plan. So my plan is I am going to
launch myself through the air and attack his
soft middle parts. End of plan. I'm still scream spelling
douchebag but I've got a plan. DJ Jazzay pushes me, I kind of
get off balance a little bit but I'm like, enact the plan! So I jump, I leave the ground, I screaming jump through
the air like this. And I don't know if you guys
know a lot about fighting but one rule is, keep
your feet on the ground. It gives you a place to
hit from or run away from. I leave the ground completely but I'm a little bit
off balance when I do. So I just end up just
grazing his side, falling to the ground,
spraining my wrist, and then taking the skin off
my arm from here to here. You can still see the
scar I think there. And now I'm fucking furious. 'Cause this is my
first bar fight and all of my injuries
are self-sustained. And I remember having a
specific thought on the ground of being like, I don't
want my future children to see this moment. It's a weird thought
to have, I agree. And why Yvette and Klaus
would get in a time machine and come back to that time. And see I don't
have children now but that's what they're gonna
be named, like they're Nazis. I've already got it planned out. And watch their
father's humiliating
moments, I don't know. But I leap up with
that information and I'm screaming now and
in DJ Jazzay Nice's eyes you can see he's like, "Oh no. "I have engaged with
someone who is not well." And I grab him in what
can only be described as like a reverse headlock. His head is this way and
his butt is this way. And I've just got him
comfortably around the middle. And then my first thought is
to get him to the phone booth which is on the corner. It's about 15 feet away. I don't know what my plan was. To like, kick some ass
and make some calls. I don't know but
I was just like, first thought, best thought. And then I just start
slowly waddling him over to this phone booth
and it takes awhile. It's long enough for
both of us to be like, "What is happening? "Why are we fighting?" I'm waddling him over
there and I'm just like, I have to commit,
people are watching. I don't know what, and I
think, and this is 2000 in Baltimore, Maryland
so they still have like glass stand-up phone booths. And I maybe thought, maybe I
was gonna like bash his head into the thing but
his hands are free. So I go to like push him in
and he just opens the door and kind of comes into it. And then I get in behind
him and close the door. And now we are in this far
too intimate space. And we can't fight anymore
'cause we can't get our arms out to like
punch each other. And I don't know whose
thought it was first but we both kind of decided that we're gonna
headbutt each other. But we just kind of
like screw up the timing and we end up just kind of
smashing mouths together. So there I am, the
light has now come on. I'm in a phone booth with a man who's named
himself DJ Jazzay, I'm bleeding onto him and it's my first bar fight and I just kissed a dude. And then, like I get out
and his friends grab him and my friends grab me. I'm like, that's
right, that's right! You get outta here. Or else, else I'll
suck your fucking dick! And that's why I don't get
into bar fights anymore. Thank you very much
ladies and gentlemen. (audience applauds) - Kurt Braundhler you
guys, that's the episode. Thank you Kurt for doing in. Wow, what a tremendously
pussy-ish fight that was. I can't believe anyone
actually bragged about that. So last week I asked you
guys to leave us as comments leave your best stripper names and so we got a
bunch of good ones. Next week I want you guys
to leave your best DJ names. DJ Jazzay is a good one. That's horrible. Make one up. Or if you actually
know one let us know. Leave it in the comment section and don't forget to
click on the Reddit link, hit This Is Not
Happening hashtag, follow me on Twitter and don't forget,
subscribe for these. Every Tuesday come over. We're gonna have new
great ones all the time. See ya next Tuesday.
I'm so glad you do these videos Ari.. Ever since I saw the TJ Miller one I've been waiting patiently every Tuesday for the next one!
"This is not happening" is amazing. Every episode has made me laugh my ass off. Nice work Ari! Id love if you could get Kyle Kinane back for another episode. I saw whiskey Icuris a few months back and am obsessed.
Also, as always, Joe and Joey fucking killed.
Hi Ari.
I saw Braunohler do a set for the first time last week, he's great.
This series is amazing, I hope it keeps going.
I love Kurt Braunohler, he was hilarious on the first episode of Pete and Pete's new podcast.
this was good. tom segura's was the best so far i thought