(music) Happy holidays and welcome to the Kill Count, Where we tally up the victims in all our favorite horror movies! I'm James A. Janisse, and today we're looking at Krampus, The 2015 Christmas horror film written and directed by Michael Dougherty (The man behind Trick 'r Treat) Krampus is the story of Max Engel and his quote, unquote "Dysfunctional Family" But, really, if you're family's like this don't freak out, dawg, everyone's is! We're talking siblings that don't get along, parents who have a deteriorating marriage, extended family with different politics than yours.. And a live-in German grandma who lost her family to a Demon goat! Well, OK, maybe not everyone has that last part. But hey! We're gonna be doing something a little different here today, 'Cause this video is actually gonna be a capture count, 'cause - SPOILER ALERT - that's what be happenin' to these people So without further adieu, let's get to the captures. (music) The movie begins in the middle of shoppocalypse now, slow motion shots of consumer culture disruption, played under Bing Crosby crooning about how it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas. For some reason, the store has a nativity play goin' on, is that what's happening here? And Max Engel is having a tussle with _______, since apparently this wise kid was telling the first graders there's no Santa Claus Max's mom Sarah, played by Toni Collette, is more concerned with Max's face than the integrity of the Christmas Legend. "Every kid has to learn the truth some day." And his Dad, Tom, played by Mr. Leslie Knope, Adam Scott, is too busy taking work calls to be bothered either way. In fact, the only person other than Max with Christmas Spirit in this house is grandma Omi, Tom's German speaking mother She encourages Max to continue his annual tradition of writing to Santa Claus Although she does get a little weird when she talks about the spirit of giving and sacrifice. You all right there, Omi? Upstairs, Max's older sister Beth is complaning to her bong-tokin boyfriend about the impending visit of her aunt, uncle, and cousins. He invites her to come over since he's only 4 blocks away, but it's too late. The house starts shaking and that means the Hummer with the extended family is here. They're related through Sarah since the matriarch of the clan is her sister Linda, played by Alison Tomlin of Fargo fame. Her husband is Howard, played by David "T-Bones" Koechner, the comedy world's premiere loud bald guy. (Sorry Rob Corddry!) Their kids include two daughters Jordan and Stevie, who have been raised by Howard in a more traditionally masculine sort of way And son Howie Jr., who's been raised in a more traditionally stare and drool sort of way. Also, they brought a dog, Rosie, she's a good girl! A surprise inclusion at this year's festivities is Aunt Dorothy, the crotchety aunt of Sarah and Linda, played by Two and Half Men's Conchata Ferrell. She's got some Mrs. Mac tendencies in her "So where's the 'nog? I need to get merry!" Oh and there's also a baby, Chrissie, who they forgot in the car. Good parenting y'all. Right off the bat there's some obvious cultural differences between these two families "Looks like Martha Stewart threw up in here." so you know that's bout to make for a delightfully uncomfortable family dinner As soon as the forks hit the plates, Howard starts picking on Tom for not being into football or guns, and Aunt Dorothy is critical of the Engel family's food choices "You know how this fancy food clogs my pipes" The conflict most relevant to our interests, though, is when Jordan and Stevie start picking on Max for his belief system "We know you still believe in the big fat creeper." Looks like they've pick-pocketed his letter and start to bully him by taking it out and reading it at the table. I really have no idea why none of the parents present put a stop to this, other than, you know, plot reasons, but eventually they get to some treal shit regarding both Max's parents, and also the cousins themselves "Screw you dad does not wish we were boys!" Shit hits the fan and Max gets into another physical altercation what is that, two in one day kid? Try talking to someone and when it's over he yells about missing the way things used to be and declares that now he HATES CHRISTMAS, then runs away to his room, his face surely a tearful snotty mess. Tom goes to comfort him and tells Max that family is important, even family you don't get along with "Maybe it makes us work a little harder to find what we do have in common." Max is almost moved by his words but at the last minute decides to rip up his letter to Santy Claus and toss it out the window, And with that, boys and girls, he just invited the Krampus to town. Some Chucky Clouds roll in and a snowstorm starts a blowin, knocking out the power in the entire neighborhood. The next morning Max wakes up to white blanket of snow all over the place and a snowman in his yard about a thousand times more terrifying than Jack Frost could ever dream of being. A delivery man at the front door drops off a... cheese basket? Yeah, brave a blizzard for that I guess, but there's also a big sack of presents on the porch that he says he didn't bring. Oh well, might as well bring these strange packages inside, right? (Did we learn nothing from Anthrax?) Beth's all concerned about her boyfriend not texting her back and asks if she can walk to his house to check on him, which her parents reluctantly agree to. Sure, this journey looks unpleasant, but honestly it's no different than walking to class every winter morning at a certain prestigious Midwest university. Go Blue! Night falls pretty suddenly and up on a house top Beth sees a big ole be-horned creature who's got some mad jumping skills, yo. He's great at the floor is lava! He chases her down the street in one of my favorite parts of the movie since Krampus looks so freaking BA here. Beth comes across the delivery truck only to find the driver frozen to death inside, (which would be important to us if this were a Kill Count, but it's not, it's a Capture Count, so let's carry on!) She crawls underneath the van to hide but after Krampus stomps around for a little bit, he takes off and leaves a jack in the box behind for her, the jump scare of toys. When the lid pops open Jack's a little box shy at first, but Beth's screams and the van shaking can only mean one thing: Our Capture Count has begun! It's after dark and Max is starting to worry about the increasing presence of spooky snowmen in his yard. Tom and Sarah are worried too, but moreso about their daughter still being out. They have a moment of tenderness where they lament how their relationship has been suffering, and that's one of the better things about this movie. These people really don't get along but throughout the whole movie, there are hints that they do care for one another. Like earlier, when Sarah snapped after Aunt Dorothy's cooking criticism, Dorothy looked legitimately remorseful. And although Sarah and Linda squabble, they're still able to reminisce about childhood memories together. These people aren't caricatures, they're realistic, and that's nice. Tom asks if Howard can take him out in the hummer to look for Beth, and Howard's only all too eager to show off the power of his gas guzzler "I could point her Due East, hit the gas and she'd be stormin' the beaches at Normandy by sunrise" Omi has some objections about them leaving, but the patriarchs press onward in their exploratory mission. They come across a snowplow stranded in the middle of the street with some presents in the cab and the keys in the ignition. The driver's nowhere to be found, apparently having been ripped out through the windshield by... something. Somethin' like a Krampus, mutha fucka! Howard cracks into his gun safe to arm himself with a shotgun and Tom with Linda's handgun. They head into Beth's boyfriend's house where things are not exactly neat and tidy. The whole place looks like an abandoned Norwegian outpost in Antarctica and there's even some creepy hoof marks in the snow. When they hear Beth screaming outside they run out to find her, but while fighting their way through the snowstorm Howard gets grabbed by something underneath the snow that whips him back and forth like he's Willow Smith's hair. It starts to pull him underground but Tom runs back to help him. Howard says he's getting bitten but before it's too late for the Champ Tom uses his handgun and opens fire. WHAMMY! The gambit pays off and the snow creature slithers away, but they're not out of the woods yet, cause when Tom helps Howard limp back to the Hummer they discover that there is no more Hummer. Hope you had Krampus insurance, Howard. They're able to make their way back home where they see the extent of Howard's injury. The adults send the kids to the kitchen with Aunt Dorothy "Come on guys, I'm gonna teach you how to make peppermint schnapps." Good parenting, y'all! When Tom asks Omi to help in the kitchen as well, she's got a much less comical reaction, telling him to keep the fire hot hot hot! The adults bandage Howard's wound and discuss their next plan of action. Sarah wants to head back outside for Beth but Howard shows her the back of his hand so she can see the frostbite, since it's too cold to safely go out again. Tom decides their best bet is to hunker down with what weaponry they have and just defend the house until the weather lets up. As they turn their home into a makeshift fortress, Howard sincerely thanks Tom for saving his ass and apologizes for how he's always treated him "Thinking you're such a spineless dick all these years." Their slumber party is really bringing everyone together, and no wonder, it looks cozy as FUCK. Howard offers to take first watch and let the others all sleep, but we smash cut to him snoring by the window later that night. That means everybody's conked out when a chain descends from the chimney with a little gingerbread man attached. It starts jingle janglin and wakes up Howie Jr., who would love nothing more than a midnight chimney gingerbread snack. Mmmm, sooty! But then the Gingerbread Dude comes to life and ties Howie Jr. up in the chain. After a whistle, the chain starts pulling Howie Jr. up the stack and his screams awaken everyone else in the room. During the ensuing struggle a burning log with cinders rolls out and catches the Christmas tree on fire. The adults try with all their might to pull Howie Jr back down into the living room but it's no use the kid is swept up with the Christmas spirit and ascends through the Chimney to become our 2nd captured victim on the count, leaving only a shoe behind. Bonk! Max puts out the fire and Howard blames himself for snoozing on the job, but Omi ain't got no time for self-pity. She gets the fire going again and tells the family they're all to blame and that someone or something has come for them all She starts speaking in English so she can tell the story of her childhood. It's told with stop-motion looking animation, a fun little interlude for the film, and she says that when her town fell on hard times and shirked the spirit of Christmas in favor of, you know, like getting bread to eat, her little Omi spirit was broken. When her family also turned their backs on Christmas, she gave up entirely, and threw her Santa doll in the fire with a wish that her family would go away. That night she got a visit, but not from Chris Kringle, more like Chris Krampus! Krampus's whole deal is to be opposite day Santa Claus he punishes instead of rewards and takes instead of gives In fact he takes Omi's entire family, but he leaves HER behind, with a wink and a little Krampus ornament to remind her what happens when the Christmas spirit dies An ornament she has kept to this very day. Great story, Omi! "You believe this senile horseshit?" Well, I liked it, anyway Howard gets pissed and is determined to go outside and rescue Howie Jr, even pulling his gun on Tom when he tries to intervene, despite admitting that he is starting to like his brother-in-law. But he doesn't even make it past the front porch before a bunch of creepy little figures running between the spooky snowmen causes the family to shut that front door back up and continue to bunker down. Morning comes and Linda takes the Christmas presents into the attic so she can re-wrap the fire-damaged ones for the kids. She hears something coming from one of those mystery packages and it sounds like a jump scare in the box. But Sarah interrupts her before she can open it and they leave the room, so they don't see when the presents start shaking a bunch. Who got the whole family Tickle Me Elmoes? That shit is so 1996! While the adults discuss a plan to escape with the snow plow that Tom saw during his previous outting, Stevie and Jordan are upstairs looking for a 2nd bathroom since apparently Aunt Dorothy clogged the one downstairs. They hear Beth's voice coming from the attic, calling for them by name, so they go up to ask her what the dillio. You know this won't end well. Their screams are heard by the adults downstairs so Tom, Sarah and Linda head up there to see what's going on. Some further commotion is heard from the kitchen, so Howard and his boomstick go check that out Up in the attic they find a big ole Jack, out of the box, clap clap, and finishing up his daily recommended intake of child, with a meal of Jordan. At least he's a gentleman Jack and wipes his mouth when he's done. So cute! Tom shoots at Jack but he dodges and crawls away, and while they're looking for him they run into some more demonic Christmas decorations. Like this feathery angel tree topper who tackles Sarah to the ground, and a grizzly stuffed teddy bear who starts bitin on Linda A pretty sweet freakin robot attacks Tom so all three of them are preoccupied as Jack tries to escape through the air vent. The angel strangles Sarah with Christmas lights and hangs her by a rafter but when Linda sees Stevie lying on the ground, she's able to rally herself and turn the tide. She gets the best of the bear with an icicle through the eye and then grabs an axe which she uses to cut Sarah down and take care of that dope ass killer robot toy. Alas, she's too late to save Jordan from the Jack in the Box, since he crawls down the air duct, completing his capture and adding another one to our list. Downstairs, Howard's been having his own misadventure with a trio of gingerbread dolls, two of whom, fun fact, are voiced by Seth Green and Justin Roiland (cute laughter) Although they're using a nail gun, which is super terrifying to me, it's mostly a slapstick sequence without consequences, with a well-aimed shotgun blast to a lantern, Howard kills one in the explosion when it burns to death and is able to shoot the second as it charges him The third leaps in slow motion towards his face, but when Howard opens his eyes, He sees that he's been saved by Rosie's appetite for ginger bread. Everyone reconvenes in the living room and after hearing Jack fiddle about in the air ducts, Max unleashes Rosie into the vents to take care of it. But, by the sounds of it, things don't go well for her, but we all know I don't count dogs on the capture count, so onward! The ceiling starts to crack before eventually caving in, and Jack Attack is right back in the middle of things. In fact the whole evil toy crew is back, although not for long - Dorothy grabs the shotgun and takes care of the bear right away, and the others pitch her the angel for some aw skeet skeet skeet shoot practice. Before she can shoot Jack though, they hear a noise outside and Jack gets real excited. Yeah these terrifying elves are now fuckin this family UP, son. They run inside and put out the fire and give their buddy Jack a very needed hug. He's been through a lot. They use their chains to tie up Dorothy and we basically get a threefer for the Capture Count here, since they steal the baby like they some kind of well-hung Goblin King, pull Dorothy out the window with a whacky sound effect "TWISTED FAIRYTALE HORSE SHIIIIT!" With that battle cry Howard jumps on Jack, and is pulled out the window with the others. "Ooooh, great!" Content with their haul, the elves shuffle out the broken window, the last of them doing a nice little stage exit on his way out. That's enough for Tom, who says it's time to enact their snow plow plan. But when they all head out, Omi stays behind, telling them to be good before closing and locking the front door behind them. Max convinces his dad that they need to leave her behind so she can do her thing and face Krampus head on. She stands inside on her own and waits for Krampus to hurry his big ass down the chimney. He finally unfolds himself into the living room and it's about damn time, mister, there's only 20 minutes left of this movie and this is your first clear appearance. Friggin jip of a title if you ask me. And this version of Krampus ain't even got that much Goat in him, he just looks like messed up Santa Claus with a long ass tongue. But at least he's still doin his Krampus thing, meaning Omi's the next one on the capture count when he opens up his bag and tells that old lady to get in the sack! Heya! The remaining uncaptured family members head through the snowy streets and are almost at the plow when things turn south for them. As my buddy FoundFlix mentions in his great video on this movie that you should totally watch, it almost feels like they ran out of time here, since everyone else drops pretty quickly. Tom is encircled by the snow burrowed creature from earlier and gets pulled underground and taken away. Linda's the next victim and although she manages to pass off Stevie before it's too late, she is also pulled underground and captured. Finally, Sarah is able to put the kids safely in the snowplow and tell her son she loves him before she drops and is pulled under the snow as well. Max tries to start the snowplow, actin like he know how to drive and shit, but since he don't, the truck goes nowhere and is victim to another elf swarm that steals away Stevie from the passenger side of the cab. I'm just counting this as her capture even though we'll see more of her in a second, cause like look at that, she's clearly captured. Max is left alone by the elves and gets a visit from the jolly holly horror show himself, who gives him a Krampus ornament and disappears Dude's got good branding, Krampus ornaments all over the place! Max follows Stevie's screaming through the snow to find this Topsy Turvy Krampus festival goin' on. I guess once a year they throw this party here in town. Max yells out to Krampus who turns towards him and Wait why is your mouth open dude? You look real dumb. When Max tries to return the ornament gift to Krampus to get his family back, it just sinks into the ground and then a giant ass hell hole opens up in front of him. Nice going, Max. He climbs up to face Krampus and his gaping maw head on, pleading once more for Krampus to show some pity and let Stevie go, even shedding a tear for added pathos. It almost appears to work but then Krampus is like NOT and leads his elves and banthas in a round of laughter. They toss Stevie into the hole which is all sorts of scary and then Krampus picks Max up by the freakin head and holds him over the hell pit too. Max gives one last apology, "I just wanted Christmas to be like it used to be" but Krampus's justice is as stubborn as his lockjaw, so he drops Max into the hole, completing our capture count with a nice round dozen. Hey, look on the brightside, Max, at least you don't also have a chest burster poppin' out right now. And then Max wakes up! Holy crap, was that whole thing just a dream?! I mean I feel like the whole Capture Count conceit kinda spoils it, so you know.. it's not. Even though it seems like everything is okay, with a Christmas morning full of warm family hugs, awww. The mood is pretty spoiled though, when Max opens a box to find the Krampus ornament inside. God damn, he just can't give that thing away! The ornament triggers some ghostly voice-over lines of dialogue from their Krampus adventure, which it looks like everyone can hear. I think it also makes them all remember what happened to them, because they're left looking stunned and absolutely silent as the camera zooms out to reveal that they're inside a snow globe, St. Elsewhere style, and their little globe is just one of many in Krampus's workshop. The movie ends with a Sinister-like jump scare of all the evil toys. So love your family folks, or else you'll wind up in frikkin snow globe, and before you know it a dying billionaire will drop you on the floor and break you. But enough about sleds and shit, let's get to the numbers! Oh, fuck (music) 12 people were captured in Krampus, more captures than we've ever counted before. Of those captured, 4 were male and 8 were female, an unheard of 2:1 ratio in "favor" of the ladies. With a run time of 97 minutes that winds up being a capture, on average, about every 8 minutes. I'll give the golden santa sack for coolest capture to Jordan. Her character didn't get to do much but she did get swallowed whole by a freaky freaky clown, so that's fun. Sour candy cane for lamest capture goes to Aunt Dorothy, cause I think that sound effect they used was real dumb And that's it! Krampus was released in 2015 and has been one of the most requested movies on this channel, so I hope you all enjoyed my Christmas gift. We've got one more Kill Count left this year, New Year's Evil on Friday, but until then, I'm James A. Janisse. This has been the Ki-, er Capture Count! Thanks alot for watching my Capture Count for Krampus! I wanna thank some of my Patrons, like Marcus B. Krapovicky
Michaell McCloud
Stephen BOWL-IN You guys requested the hell out of this movie! Weren't you concerned there were like, no kills? Or did you just believe in me to find a way? Dead Meat... uhh, finds a way! Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, anything you believe or celebrate, Or even if you don't, I just hope you're having a good time, man!
