- Coming up. Ja-quelyn. A-a-ron! Tackle and grapple. Tackle and grapple! (enthusiastic scream) Oh come on! Don't! What are you doing?! (Key & Peele theme music) (upbeat music) (blows raspberry) - Wow! - Mr. Cook. You're
almost up. Are you ready? - Good. I'm good. - Okay. Really going to need you to stick to the script on this one. - I'm the CEO of Apple, Willis. I'm not going to do anything stupid. Please stop comparing me to Steve jobs! - Nobody's comparing
you to Steve jobs. Okay? Just want you to focus on the products and please stick to the script. Okay. You're on in three. - They're going to forget they ever heard the name Steve jobs. What up, Apple people? Yeah! Yeah! (excited cheering) And the first thing that
I'm going to do is T.O.T.S. throw out the script. Now, I'm supposed to come out here and tell you about some bull[Bleep], new iPhone, pad, pod,
Dick, pussy, [Bleep]. You've seen it. Boring! (applause) Yes! That's exactly it! Now, let's say this table right here Let's say it's Bill Gates. Huh? (crowd cheers) Yeah! That's what I'm talking about! And let's say that this is our competitor's new smartphone. (crowd boos) How about that? (robot voice) I'm an Android. I am a major donkey dick. And lets say that this right here this is one of our
competitors' new ebook reader. What about that? (crowd jeers) Wooks wike wain! Yeah! All right! Yes! Who wants to see some of that classified next level [Bleep], huh? Did Steve ever show you
that classified [Bleep]? No, he didn't! - You can't do that. They haven't been tested yet. - This device will allow you to teleport anywhere on the planet. Check this out. I am the future! (screams) Let's see Steve Jobs do that! - Well, we were behind each other in line at the grocery store and it was silly, but I dropped a can of peas and he bent over to pick them up for me. And that's where it started. - What can I say? It
was love at first sight and we've been together ever since. - Well. - Yes. She always has had her own way of doing things. (parents sighing) - Okay. I see what's going on here. - Honey. - You don't approve of our engagement. - No, they're not like that. - I'm sorry, sweetheart,
yes, they are like that. Look at their faces. There's no point in trying to reason with folks who can't appreciate the
differences in others. You should be ashamed of yourselves. - Honey, wait! - I cannot believe that you would bring a colored man into our house. - He's gone now. - Free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we are free at last! - [Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your next speaker, the Reverend Robert Jones. - How am I supposed to follow that? I can't. Nobody can follow that. How- I can't... Oh. All right. Good afternoon. That is the best speech I've ever heard in my entire life ever. I have never heard a better speech and now it is my turn to speak. Huh. Who put this running
order together, right? You know, Dr. King. He actually covered a lot, a lot of what I was gonna say, you know, my, my speech is you're gonna find this funny, y'all, My speech is actually called "A Vision For The Future." I'm not saying that Dr.
King copied my speech. (crowd booing) No, no. I'm, I'm saying, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying he tried to copy it. Why don't y'all listen to what I'm saying. Wow. You know what? No, come on. I'm just saying, I'm just saying, I'm just saying it's a joke? Did I not say it like a joke? Okay. No? Apparently, I have six more minutes. Lets see the red, red hills of Georgia. He got that out there. Okay. You know what? All right. Here's something,
here's something new. Here's something brand new. How? Okay. This is off me talking
off the top of my head here, everybody. How about
if we let black people enslave white people for-- Okay. You know, that sounded a lot better in my head before I said it. So that wouldn't work. Is it warm? Is anybody else warm? Okay. Okay. Okay. Here's what we all gonna do. Here's what we're gonna do All right, Dr. King talking about all the races coming
together, right? Right? So what I want every negro to do here today is find the
nearest white person and give them a hug. Just, just give him a hug. Okay? No, sir. You're not being attacked. You're not being attacked. You're being hugged, okay? Everybody take it easy, okay? Everybody relax. You know what? We don't need 10 Negroes
hugging one white person, okay? Let's just, you know. That's the new rule! Not 10 on 1. One-on-ones, we
just take turns everything. Okay. So everybody relax, okay? Oh my goodness. Sir? She doesn't need to be defended! She doesn't need to be
defended. She's okay. She's okay. Okay? All right, sir. Ma'am? Okay, officer, is that necessary? I don't think that's necessary, officer! Please, please, take it easy, sir! We all got to take it easy! Just hug and not be--
don't! What are you doing? This is 288, I'm investigating the report of a disturbance. - Roger that, 288. (intense crime music) - Freeze! - 'Cause I got a popsicle, you thought-- - Gun! Oh rats! - (together) Whoa. - Watch out! That black guy's got a gun! He's gonna steal your banana! - (together) What? - (screams) Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go Come on. Sir! You're going to have to leave the area. There's been a disturbance. Go, for your safety, sir. Go now, please. Okay, go, go, go. Keep going. Big fuzzy gun! (scream) I mean it's like, it was like, you know, a holiday for people having guns, - Goddamn it! Mayor's on a warpath! Who's responsible for this mess? - I'm sorry, Chief, it was me. Gun! (screams) Goddamn it! Coffee cup. It's my bad! Anyway, the last 7 came out of nowhere. Hey, have you ever found yourself in High Point, North Carolina and nothing was safe? Come on down to Doug
Duggart's Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. You will learn to tackle and grapple. (loud gong) Like an ultimate fighting pro. In my studio you get hands-on training and individual attention. So hut hut, hi-yah! Tackle and grapple. Take on multiple enemies. This is a tackle. That's a grapple. This is a tackle. That's a grapple. Get, there we go. Tackle and grapple! All ages. Learn to protect yourself and your loved ones. Tackle and grapple. There are many different levels. There's the beginner level. And if you pass my private
one-on-one sensei trial, you may make it into the advanced class. Tackle and grapple! Doug Duggart's Brazilian Jiujitsu at the High Point Mini Mall. Just east of the Pizza Barn two doors down from Carl Discount Wheels and Furniture. Quick tackle Get there. Oh, triple ups, Get down there, girl. No, no, stay, stay away. Special discounts for college students. Move it. Get your leg round me. Get your leg round me. Oh thank you. - I wish I could just
stay at my old place, but I can't afford the new rent. - Yeah, moving sucks. You know, strangers handling your belongings, the movers always break something. - Oh no, I can't afford
professional movers. I'm moving myself this Saturday. Could do most of the smalls stuff just going back and
forth with my hatchback. Oh do you think you can
borrow your roommate's van? You can help me with
some of the big stuff? - Um. Yeah. You know what? I've been thinking a lot lately and I think we need to spend some time apart. Not, not to break up. No, I just, I just just some time, time apart to figure ourselves
out and, and, and then, and then we come back together stronger. You know? - This is coming out of nowhere. - No, it's not. I've, I have, I've tried to tell you like, like a million different
ways, but you don't listen. See, that's the thing is
that you, you never listen. I don't need this time apart for me. I need this time apart for us. How long do you think it's
going to take you to move? - Okay. This is about the move. You don't want to help me move. - What? What? I would
love to help you move. That's what boyfriends do. Claire! - I just think that it's
a weird coincidence that you need space, right
when I'm about to move. - Oh my God! Oh my God! I am so sorry that I didn't plan my emotional turmoil around your move. Look at, look at your face. See, and now you've assumed the worst of me because you do that. And that's why we need to spend time apart from each other. - That is not fair. - Not fair? Fair? Babe, all I'm asking for is 12 lousy hours this Saturday. - Okay, fine. - Okay, fine? - We'll move on Sunday. - 48 hours. I don't know what I
was thinking. 12 hours. It's nowhere near enough time to do what I need to do to make our relationship stronger. See, you got me all confused and you know what? I love you, but I gotta get outta here. I can't. I just can't. I don't. I'm so confused right now. I feel like I can't think, and the walls are closing in on me and I just don't know what to do. - Oh, it's my landlord. He says he doesn't want
to lose me as a tenant. So he is not going to raise my rent. Now I don't have to leave my place. - And I don't need time apart because we're perfect together. Will you marry me? - You paint my apartment. - Yeah, of course I'm
painting your apartment. It's what boyfriends do when exactly do you think that's going to happen? - [Announcer] Today, on Judge Jessie, Judge Jessie turns up the heat. - You signed a piece of paper. He gave you the snake. Then you bring a snake into the home with two small chihuahuas. - I had not been made aware that the snake would get rid of his skin. And then the sprinklers came down with the snakeskin ruin my carpet. - What set off the sprinklers? - Unrelated popcorn fire, your honor. - [Announcer] Judge Jessie,
as a police officer, he defended the streets. As a trial lawyer - Objection! - he fought for the truth as a black belt. He mastered discipline. As a carpenter he learned the value of craftsmanship. As a surgeon, he mastered a cool head As a crack ho he learned to go days without sleep. And as an announcer, he does the voiceover on this show coming up on Judge Jessie. - Mr. Simmons, before you speak, I know from experience that the police have completely mishandled your case and there's legal precedent for you to win and any good defense attorney would have told you that. I also know that obviously the place where you hurt your back, wasn't structurally up to code Mr. Oyama, and furthermore, as a sensei, you should know a man of his skillset cannot do a maikiyagi. You should know that. Obviously, I can tell by
looking at your alignment, that you've herniated a disc someplace in your L4 or your L5 fining for the plaintiff
not $2,500, $2,700. Mr. Oyama. - Thank you, your honor. - You're quite welcome. - [Announcer] Judge Jessie. - Dusty, can I suck your [Bleep]? - I'll take a little roll here. Jay-quellin. - Here - You are present - Buh-lakay - I'm here. - D-nice - Here. - Good. - Juseega. Thank you, - Mr. Garvey? - What is it, A-a-ron? - Some of us need to leave
a few minutes early today. - Oh, is that so? - Mhm. - And what, pray tell, is the reason for this premature Exodus? - Yearbook photos, We have to leave 15 minutes early to meet up with our clubs. - All right. You know what? That might work with
other substitute teachers. But I taught in the inner
city for over 20 years. Now, y'all want to leave my class early so y'all can go meet up at the club. Ain't none of y'all old enough to go to the damn club! Ridiculous. - Mr. Garvey? - Son of a bitch! Did I st-t-t-t-t-tutter? - Just then? Yes. - I'm going to throw you
out the goddamn window. What, Jay-quellin? - Mr. Garvey, we're telling the truth, we, we have clubs at this school. We have clubs for special interests. - Okay. I see. So y'all want to play. Y'all wanna play? Yeah. Okay. We're going to play little games. Fine. I'll play, I'm more than happy to play some games with y'all. Anyone who's in a club stand your ass up. Uh-huh. Oh yeah. There it is. There it is, the usual suspects. What the hell club are
you in, Jay-quellin? - Future Leaders of America. Oh, okay. Okay. How would you know if you're going to be a leader in the future? Is there a star date in your bedroom? Can you travel through time, Jay-quellin? - No. - Then sit the flip down, Buh-lakay, here's the thing. I don't even know why
I'm about to ask you this Buh-lakay, what club are you in? - I'm part of the Spanish Club - (sputters) You about as
Spanish as Rian Seacrest. With your big ass Fragglerock hair! How about you, D-nice? - I'm in the chess club. - I'm sorry, sweetheart. You are not in the chest club. The mosquito bite club, maybe. - That's hurtful - Truthful. - There he is. A-a-ron. - Hey. - What club are you in? - I'm the president of the
glee club. Why do I talk? - The glee club??? (screams) Like they gonna have a club dedicated to a TV show! Take your ass to
O'Shag-hennesy's office right now before I bust a club up in your butt. - Okay. - Go! - Okay I'm gonna go. - Mischievous and deceitful. Chicanerous and deplorable. - [PA Speaker] This is
principal O'Shaughnessy. - Students, please report to the gymnasium for your club photos. - Fake announcement. Now does anybody in here have a valid reason for leaving this classroom? Timothy. - I got to go pick up my daughter. - You're excused. All right. Listen up, y'all. I'm y'all substitute teacher. Mr. Garvey. I taught school for 20
years in the inner city. So don't even think about messing with me. Y'all feel me? Okay. Let's take roll here. Jay-quellin. Where's Jay-quellin at? No, Jay-quellin here? Yeah. - Do you mean Jacqueline? - Okay. So that's how it's going to be. Y'all want to play. Okay then. I've got my eye on you, Jay-quellin. Buhlaky. Where is Buhlaky at? There's no Buhlaky here today. Yes, sir. - My name is Blake. - Are you out of your goddamn mind? Blake? What? - Do you want to go to war, Buhlaky? - No. - Cause we could go to war. - No. - I'm for real. I'm for real. So you better check yourself D-nice. Is there a D-nice? If one of y'all says some silly ass name, this whole class is
going to feel my wrath. Now, D-nice. - Do you mean Denise? - Son of a bitch! You say your name right. Right now. - Denise - Say it right. - Denise. - Correctly. - Denise. - Right. - Denise. - Right. - D-nice? - That's better. Thank you Now A-a-ron, where are you? Where is A-a-ron right now? No A-a-ron, huh? Well, you better be sick,
dead or mute, A-a-ron. - Here. Oh man. - Why didn't you answer me
the first time I said it? - Huh? - I'm just, you know, I'm just asking you. I said it like four times. So why didn't you say it the
first time I said A-a-ron? - Because it's pronounced Aaron. - Son of a bitch! - You done messed up, A-a-ron! Now take your ass on down to O'Shag-hennessy's office right now and tell him
exactly what you did. - Who? - O'Shaq-hennessy! - Principal O'Shaughnessy? - Get out of my goddamn classroom before I break my foot off in your ass! Insubordinate and churlish. Timothy? - Present. - Thank you.
