GMAIL'S WHAT I'M ON NOW. THAT'S THE, UH... OK,
YOU GOT THE MOST SPACE FOR ATTACHMENTS. ANYWAY... THANK YOU.
FEEL FREE TO HIT ME UP IF YOU REMEMBER THAT NUMBER. I NOTICED YOU
AIN'T WRITE THAT DOWN. DAMN, DAMN, DAMN.
THAT GIRL WAS FLY, RIGHT? SHE AIGHT. BUT DID YOU SEE THAT
LIAM NEESONS MOVIE WITH THEM
WOLVES, THOUGH? THE ONE WITH THEM BIG-ASS
WOLVES AND LIAM NEESONS IN IT? MAN, LIAM NEESONS
IS MY S**T! OH, LIAM NEESONS STRAIGHT JACKED UP THEM
WOLVES, MAN. MAN, HE F**KED THEM
WOLVES UP, MAN. YEAH.
SHOOT, MAN. HEY, AND DON'T EVEN GET ME
STARTED ON THAT ONE WHERE THEY TOOK HIS DAUGHTER. "STRAIGHT TOOKEN,"
STARRING LIAM NEESONS! MAN, LIAM NEESONS
ON THE PHONE LIKE, "I HAVE A CERTAIN
SET OF SKILLS." MAN, DON'T F**K
WITH LIAM NEESONS! NO. DON'T
EVEN TRY AND BE RUSSIAN AROUND LIAM NEESONS.
HE'LL TAKE YOUR ARM AND... [SCREAMING]
...PUT SOME FRACTURES UP IN THAT.
THEY KILLING HIM, MAN. AND THEN - OH,
YOU SEEN THE SECOND ONE, THOUGH? IN THE SECOND ONE, THE RUSSIANS
COME AFTER HIM AND HE F**KED 'EM ALL UP ANYWAY. "TOOKEN 2," STARRING
THE INCOMPARABLE LIAM NEESONS. MM-HMM. MM-HMM. THAT'S MY S**T.
WHAT ABOUT “DARKMAN,” THOUGH? NO.
HUH? WHAT ABOUT LIAM
NEESONS IN SOME “DARKMAN,” THOUGH?
WHAT ABOUT “DARKMAN,” THOUGH? WHEN LIAM NEESONS'S
FACE WAS CHANGING UP, MAN? HOMEY WAS
STRAIGHT FACE-CHANGING. NOW THAT'S JUST LIAM NEESONS
ACTING RIGHT THERE, MAN. STRAIGHT UP, I KID YOU NOT,
ACADEMY AWARD-CALIBER. CLASSIC NEESONS. MAN, COME ON, SERIOUSLY, THOUGH.
I MEAN, LIKE, NEESONS ALREADY NEED TO HAVE A STATUE. LIAM NEESONS AIN'T GOT NO -
HE AIN'T GOT NO STATUE. HE -
HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE. HE AIN'T GOT A STATUE. NO. NO.
NO. NO. THE OSCAR GOES TO LIAM
NEESONS, “DARKMAN.” F**KING FACE WAS CHANGING! MM-HMM. WORD.
HOW HARD IS THAT? IT AIN'T HARD, DAWG. IT'S
NOT HARD AT ALL. DAMN!
IT'S STUPID. OH! OH!
“BATTLESHIP”? OOOHHHHHHHHH!
“BATTLESHIP”! OOOHHHHHHHHH!
BATTLESHIIIP”? OOOHHHHHHHHH!
“BATTLESHIP”! ...OOOOHHHHH! WHOO! LIAM NEESONS STRAIGHT KILT A ROBOT BOAT!
LIAM NEESONS IS MY SHIZNIT! WHOO!
BUT YOU KNOW WHO I LIKE AS MUCH
AS NEESONS, THOUGH? AS MUCH AS NEESONS? MM-HMM.
WHO? BRUCE WILLY.
[SCREAMING] [SCREAMING CONTINUES]
BRUCE WILLY IS MY S**T! BUT WHAT IF THEY MADE
A MOVIE WITH LIAM NEESONS AND BRUCE WILLY? [GRUNTING] NEESONS AND WILLY?
WILLY AND NEESONS. HARDER, MAN. HARDER!
[GRUNTING] THAT WOULD BE... BOTH: MY S*************T!
[EXPLOSION] DAMN, SHE WAS FLY.
SHE AIGHT. YO, MAN. CAN I ASK YOU A QUESTION? YEAH. WHAT?
WHY EVERYBODY MESSING WITH THE BATMAN?
PSSSHHH. SEE? THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'VE
BEEN ASKING MYSELF. IT DON'T MAKE NO SENSE.
WHY WOULD YOU DO IT? WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT? WHY WOULD YOU
TRY AND MESS WITH THE BATMAN? IT'S FUTILE.
IT IS! YO, REMEMBER,
HEATH LEDGERS TRIED TO? PSSSHHH. I MEAN,
THE BATMAN'S GOT ARMOR. AND BE DOIN'
SOME MARTIAL ARTS AND MOVES -
I SLICE IT! I SLICE IT! [IMITATES ARMOR DEFLECTING
BULLETS] IT DON'T WORK. I GOT ARMOR.
AND THEN MARTIAL ARTS. COME ON.
ALL YOU GOT IS A PURPLE SUIT AND SOME
PANCAKE MAKEUP. COME ON, MAN.
I MEAN, COME ON, MAN! BATMAN! WHY WOULD YOU...
MESS WITH THE BATMAN? THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING, MAN.
OH, MAN. OH, REMEMBER WHEN
DANNY DEVITOS TRIED IT? PSHHH.
START WALKING AROUND. TALKING 'BOUT ... [MAKING PENGUIN NOISES]
COME ON, MAN! I MEAN, THE BATMANS IS A
MULTI-BILLIONAIRE WITH A GRUDGE. YOU JUST
A LITTLE FAT MOTHERF**KER IN A TUXEDO
WITH A UMBRELLA. EXACTLY, MAN.
COME ON, MAN. IT'S LIKE, A PRETEND
BIRD CAN'T MESS WITH THE BATMAN! NO WAY!
NO WAY! OUT OF THE QUESTION, MAN!
BUT JIM CARREYS, THOUGH. PSHH. JIM CARREYS, THOUGH.
JIM CARREYS. - COME ON. "RIDDLE ME THIS,
RIDDLE ME THAT, MANS!” HOW IS ACE VENTURA
GONNA MESS WITH THE BATMANS? WELL PLAYED. WELL PLAYED.
HOW IS ACE VENTURA - WELL PLAYED.
"HEY, BATMANS. I'VE COME TO GET YOU." [IMITATING WHIPPING SOUND]
YAAH! NOW SEE? HOW ARE YOU
SUPPOSED TO BLOCK A BATARANG FROM GOIN' IN
YOUR BUTT WITH A CAREFULLY CRAFTED QUERY? YOU CANNOT. THAT'S HOW. IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
HEY. HEY. PSHH. HEY, PSHH. HEY, PSHH. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS
TRIED TO MESS WITH THE BATMAN!
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS, THOUGH.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS TRIED TO
MESS WITH THE BATMAN. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS...TRIED TO
MESS WITH THE BATMAN. MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS.
MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS. GUESS WHAT, MICHELLE P-FEIFFERS?
YOU AIN'T A REAL CAT! COME ON.
I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING. AIN'T NO WAY YOU
GONNA MEOW-SS WITH THE BATMAN. OH, BUT WHAT ABOUT ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER THOUGH? WHAT'S ARNOLD
SCHWARZENEGGER TRYING TO DO? COME ON, MAN. WHAT IS ARNOLD
SCHWARZ - FEEL THE BURN. FEEL THE BURN.
FEEL THE BURN. [GRUNTING]
IT SHOULD BE IN YOUR TRICEPS. COME ON, MAN!
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER. YOU CAN'T TURN UP THE AC AND
THINK THAT'S GONNA MESS WITH THE BATMANS. WHAT IS IT SUPPOSED
TO BE DOING TO THE BATMANS? GIVIN' THE BATMANS A COLD? COME ON, BATMANS.
GIVING THE BATMANS A SNIFFLE? MAN, TALKING 'BOUT... BAT
LOZENGE. AND YOU'RE DEFEATED. COME ON, MAN. YOU KNOW, THERE IS ONE PERSON,
THOUGH. OH, NO, NO, NO. HERE IT COME,
NO. THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO COULD
MESS WITH THE BATMANS. HERE IT COMES RIGHT NOW. MM-HMM.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. THERE'S ONE PERSON.
HERE IT COMES. WHO COULD, DID, AND SHALL
AGAIN... HERE IT COMES RIGHT NOW.
...MESS WITH THE BATMANS. NO, NO, NO.
WHOOO! WHOA, HERE IT COMES. HE TRAINS THE BATMANS!
[SLICING NOISES] HE GAVE THE BATMANS HIS SKILLS!
[SLICING NOISES] HE'S A MIRROR IMAGE OF THE
BATMANS! [SLICING NOISES] IN FIGHTING PROWESS!
[SLICING NOISES] I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT ... RA'S AL GHUL! THAT'S RIGHT, THOUGH, RIGHT
THERE! MAN! TALKIN' 'BOUT STRAIGHT-UP RA'S
AL GHUL, PLAYED BY THE INCOMPARABLE...
LIAM NEESONS! SO EVEN WHEN WE ARE TALKING
ABOUT THE BATMANS... LIAM NEESONS IS MY SH******T! [GLASS SHATTERING NOISE] DUDE, I GOTTA TELL YOU
SOMETHIN'. WHAT'S UP?
LAST NIGHT ON SHOWTIMES, I SAW SOME... [CLEARS THROAT]
...SOME “LETHAL WEAPON 2.” “LETHAL WEAPON 2” STARRING
THE RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS? I KNOW, I KNOW. BUT I GOT
TO TELL YOU RIGHT UP FRONT AND TRUTHFULLY,
RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS IS STILL KIND OF MY S**T.
[HISSING] HE'S STILL MY S**T,
THOUGH. I DON'T KNOW, DAWG.
RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS? DUDE, I KNOW, I KNOW.
BUT THINK ABOUT IT, MAN. THINK ABOUT IT.
REMEMBER WHEN HE JACKED UP ALL THEM MUTANTS IN “THE ROAD
WARRIORS”? TALKIN' ABOUT... [IMITATING A CAR CRASH] BITCH WAS LIKE, "THERE'S NOTHING
IN HERE BUT SAND." YEAH.
AND THEN REMEMBER WHEN HE HAD TAKEN
THAT HATCHET AND CHOPPED UP ALL THEM ENGLANDS,
REMEMBER, IN “THE PATRIOT”? AND DID IT IN FRONT
OF ALL HIS KIDS? YOU KNOW WHAT, THOUGH?
RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS IS STILL MY S**T, TOO! DAWG. I KNOW.
REMEMBER WHEN RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS WAS BLUE
MAN GROUP IN “BRAVEHEARTS”? OH MY GOD, DAWGS.
THEY WAS CHOPPING OFF MY MAN'S HEAD. NO, NO, NO, NO!
MY MAN WAS STILL TALKIN' ABOUT...
FREEDOOOOM! OR WHAT ABOUT “CONSPIRACY THEORIES,” THOUGH? WHAT? OH, COME ON, MAN.
WHAT THE F**K ABOUT “CONSPIRACY THEORIES,”
THOUGH? WHAT THE F**K ABOUT “CONSPIRACY
THEORIES,” THOUGH? WHAT IS GOING ON?
[IMITATING GUNSHOT]
COME ON. YOU KNOW RACIST-ASS MELLY
GIBSONS BE DIRECTING, TOO! HELLS, YEAH.
WHAT ABOUT “APOCALYPTO”? YO - RACIST-ASS MELLY
GIBSONS BE TELLING THE STORY OF A BUNCH OF CRAZY-ASS
OLD-FASHIONED MEXICANS? WHO HAVE BEEN
IN THE JUNGLE GETTIN' CHASED BY A PANTHER.
YUP. YUP. YUP. MY MAN'S STRAIGHT UP GOING... [WHISTLING]
[IMITATING DRUMS] [HISSING]
[SCREAMING]
AND WHAT ABOUT THAT “PASSIONS OF THE
CHRIST,” THOUGH? “PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST,”
THOUGH. “PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST.” “PASSIONS OF THE CHRIST,” WHERE
RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS MADE THAT MOVIE ABOUT JESUS IN
A KIND OF RACIST-ASS WAY? THAT WAS ALL MY JAM.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST REALIZED, THOUGH? WHAT'S THAT, DAWG?
WHAT'S THAT? YOU KNOW WHAT
WOULD BE MY S**T? WHAT WOULD BE YOUR S**T,
THOUGH? IF RACIST-ASS MELLY GIBSONS
COSTARRED IN A MOVIE WITH JESUS! WAIT. NOW, YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT THE SAVIOR OF ALL? THE KING OF ALL KINGS?
THE ALPHA AND THE OMEGA? AND JESUS!
THAT WOULD BE MY... ♪ SH*********T... ♪ [EXPLOSION]
[FIREWORK NOISES] INTERMISSION! OH... “OTHELLO” IS MY SHITE! F**KETH YEAH!
“OTHELLO,” MOTHERF**KER! [MAKING SWORD FIGHT SOUNDS] F**K. YOU DEAD,
WHITE PERSON! OH, THIS PLAY DOTH
SEEM DOPE TO ME, MARTINSIO! VERILY, LASHAWNIO. VERILY!
YO, AND 'TIS ABOUT TIME SHAKESPEARE DOTH SCRIVEN
THE PLAY THAT PLACES A BROTHER AMONGST
THE FIRMAMENTS. THAT'S MY SHITE!
UGGH! WHO'S YOUR FAVORITE CHARACTER?
MINE'S OTHELLO. OH, 'TIS MINE AS WELL.
'TIS MINE AS WELL. MM-HMM. BECAUSE THEY GOT
OTHELLO AS A GENERAL?
I KNOW, MAN! I'M SAYIN' - HELLETH YES. AND OTHELLO DID THE BEAST
WITH TWO BACKS WITH THAT COMELY WHITE
MAIDEN, AND DIDST NOT ANYONE SPEAKETH AGAINST HIM! MMMM.
HE STRAIGHT PIMPIN'! METHINKS THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR PEOPLE OF
THE DARKER HUE. DAMN STRAIGHT.
WHOO! ♪ HEY, NONNY, NONNY, TALKIN' HEY, NONNY, NONNY ♪ COME ON.
OH, UM... MARTINSIO. HMM?
WOULDST THAT I COULD BORROW A COUPLE OF DUCATS TO PURCHASETH
A CAPON FROM YONDER CONCESSION? PSSHH. MOOR, PLEASE.
YOU KNOW I GOT A CONCEALED CORNISH
GAME HEN UP IN MY DOUBLET. OOH, ALLOWETH ME TO
PARTAKETH UP IN THIS BITCH. OK, OK. GET IN THERE.
[BELL RINGING] THE SECOND ACT IS
ABOUT TO BEGIN! OH. OH. UH-OH!
COME ON, Y'ALL.
Y'ALL HEARD THE URSHER. UH-OH. IF I KNOW SHAKESPEARE,
OTHELLO'S ABOUT TO KILL EVERYBODY UP IN THIS BITCH.
[LAUGHING] NO! NO! NO! MM-MM.
I HATETH THIS PLAY! HOW THEY GONNA KILL OTHELLO? MAN, THAT TRIFLIN'-ASS IAGO,
I KNEW HE WAS UP TO SOMETHING. THEY SHOULD'VE KILT
HIM IN THE FIRST ACT. HOW THEY GONNA KILL OTHELLO? AND HOW OTHELLO GONNA
DO HIMSELF IN WITH A DAGGER? HOW DOTH THAT HAPPEN? LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHIN'. IF A BROTHER KILT HIMSELF EVERY TIME
HE BROKE UP WITH A WHITE BITCH, THIS WORLD WOULD BE
BEREFT OF BROTHERS! AND YOU'D BE TALKIN' TO
A SKULL RIGHT NOW. OK? WHERE'S SHAKESPEARES AT?
SHAKESPEARES. OH, OH! HE'S RIGHT THERE.
PRITHEE. PRITHEE. MAKE WAY.
PRITHEE. MAKE WAY. BEGONE, SIRRAH.
YOU KILLED OTHELLO! A BLACK MAN GOT IT GOIN'
ON, AND YOU SHUFFLE OFF HIS MORTAL COIL? I SAY UNTO THEE,
THAT'S A TRAGEDY. MM-HMM. OH! 'TIS THAT NOT
THE TROUBADOUR KANYE OF THE WEST? WHAT? WHERE'S -
OH. NO. WAIT. TRUTH BE TOLD, MY LORDS,
'TIS NOT I WHO PENNED THIS DREADFUL PLAY - 'TWAS CHRISTOPHER MARLOWE.
NAY, NAY, NAY. YES, IT WAS.
NAY, NAY.
THOU ALREADY TRIED TO USE THAT LINE OF ARGUMENT
WHEN THE JEWS WANTED TO KICK YOUR ASS
AFTER “THE MERCHANT OF VENICE.” WE DOTH NOT PURCHASE
IT, SLICK WILLY. WE DOTH NOT PURCHASE IT. BE CALM, MY GOOD LORDS.
'TWILL NOT BE LONG BEFORE ANOTHER BLACK HERO GRACETH THE STAGE. AND NOW
IF YOU'LL LET ME TAKE MY LEAVE. NOT SO FAST.
YOU GON' TO WRITE THAT HERO...NOW. VERILY THAT, MOTHERF**KER. THAT JOHN SHAFTE IS ONE BAD
MOTHER - SHUT THAT MOUTH.
I JUST SPEAKETH ABOUT SHAFTE. MMM! SO, UH, YEAH.
I GOT, LIKE, 30-SOMETHING FOLLOWERS.
I'M UP TO, LIKE, 15 TWEETS A DAY. SO IF YOU WANTED
TO, UM, FOLLOW... AIGHT. NO, NO, NO! NO!
WHAT? THEY HATIN' ON THE HATHAWAYS!
THEY HATIN' ON THE HATHAWAYS? THEY STRAIGHT HATIN'
ON ANNIE HATHAWAYS. THAT'S YOUR GIRL, DAWG!
I KNOW THAT'S MY GIRL, DAWG! ANNIE HATHAWAYS FROM “DEVIL
WEARS PRADAS”? THEY HATIN' ON HER.
“NICHOLAS NICKLEBYS”? STRAIGHT HATIN'!
“LES MISERABLES”? “LES MISERABLES”! I'M TALKIN -
♪ I DREAMED A DREAMS, AND DREAMS GET DREAMED ♪
OH, MAN. NO, WHAT?
WHY YOU BE HATING ON THAT? HOW DO YOU BE
HATING ON THE HATHAWAYS? I DO NOT KNOW!
'CAUSE THAT'S YOUR GIRL, DAWG! THAT'S MY GIRL WITH THE -
I'VE BEEN ROLLING WITH THE HATHAWAYS
SINCE “PRINCESS DIARIES”! PSHH.
PSHH.
YOU WAS THERE SINCE DAY ONE! MAN, YOU KNOW I BE LOVING ME SOME “PRINCESS DIARIES 2:
THE ROYAL ENGAGEMENT”! YOU GOT THE BLU-RAY!
AND I GOT THAT ON DVD AND LASERDISC AND VHS,
MAN. PFFT.
“RACHEL GETTING MARRIED,”
THOUGH. WHAT? UH-UH. MM-MM.
UH-UH. UH-UH. “RACHEL GETTING MARRIED.” “RACHEL GETTING MARRIED,”
THOUGH? “RACHEL GETTING MARRIED,”
THOUGH. YO, DO YOU
LOVE ANNE HATHAWAYS? I DO!
COME ON. [SCATTING MENDELSSOHN'S
“WEDDING MARCH”] HATHAWAYS! COME ON, MAN. AND THE OSCAR
GOES TO... ANNIE HATHAWAYS.
CRACKHEAD KILLED HER BROTHER! THAT'S RIGHT.
COME ON! “BROKENBACK.”
OK, “BROKENBACKS.” “BROKENBACKS.” TALKIN' 'BOUT “BROKENBACK
MOUNTAIN.” THAT'S RIGHT.
“BROKENBACKS,” DAWG! I'M MARRIED TO JAKE
JIGGLIN'-HALLS. UH, JIGGLIN'-THALLS?
THANK YOU. I STAND CORRECTED. SO WAIT, THOUGH. YOU KNOW WHAT?
I DIDN'T LIKE THAT ONE. THAT WAS NOT MY
S**T, THOUGH. “BROKENBACKS” WAS NOT MY S**T. BUT SHE WAS GOOD IN THAT.
SHE WAS GOOD. OH, PLAYIN' THAT CONFIDENT
TEXAS BUSINESSWOMAN. TALKIN' 'BOUT
STRAIGHT UP, "YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M STRUGGLIN'
WITH MY HUSBAND'S SEXUALITY." SHE KEPT HER INTEGRITY
AT THE SAME TIME AS SHOWIN' HER BREASTESES. THAT'S A DELICATE BALANCE.
THAT'S A DELICATE BALANCE. WHY WAS YOU HATIN'
ON THE HATHAWAYS? BUT WHY WOULD YOU BE HATIN'
ON THE HATHAWAYS? CONFIDENT WOMAN IN HOLLYWOOD
WHOSE SOLE CHARACTER FLAW IS THAT
SHE CARES TOO MUCH? SHE CARES TOO MUCH!
IT'S THAT SHE CARES TOO MUCH!
YEAH, SHE CARE TOO MUCH! COME ON!
COME ON! YOU KNOW WHO
THEY NEVER BE HATIN' ON? WHO'S THAT, DAWG?
SANDRA BULLOCKSIES. SANDRA BULLOCKSIES.
SHE'S MY GIRL, AND THEY... THAT'S YOUR GIRL RIGHT THERE.
...NEVER BE HATIN' ON HER. THAT'S YOUR GIRL RIGHT THERE.
STRAIGHT UP THERE. SANDRA BULLOCKSIES, SHE'S YOUR
GIRL RIGHT THERE. STRAIGHT UP. DO YOU KNOW WHO SHOULD DO
A MOVIE TOGETHER, THOUGH? BUT WHO IS THAT, DAWG?
BULLOCKSIES AND HATHAWAYS! YOU TALKING
'BOUT SOME HATHAWAYS? AND SOME
BULLOCKSIES? NO! I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT SOME
BULLOCKSIES! AND SOME HATHAWAYS! LEMME JUST EXPLAIN WHAT I'M
TALKIN' 'BOUT, THOUGH. I'M TALKIN' 'BOUT SOME
HATHAWAYS! AND SOME BULLOCKSIES. NO, YOU RIGHT.
BULLOCKSIES! HATHAWAYS! THAT WOULD BE MY S********T! OH. YOU GOOD?
YEAH, I'M - I'M GOOD. I THOUGHT SOMETHIN' WAS GONNA...
ME TOO! ...HAPPEN FOR A SECOND THERE. FIGURED WE WOULD TRANSFORM IN
SOME WAY, SHAPE OR FORM. OK. THAT WOULD BE MY S**T! THAT WOULD BE MY
S**************T! [THUNDERCLAP] HEY, DAWG. WHAT'D YOU GET UP
TO THIS WEEKEND, THOUGH, DAWG? AH, YOU KNOW ME, MAN.
GOT UP ALL UP IN THAT REDBOX. AH, YEAH? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH?
YEAH. YOU KNOW WHO'S GOOD, THOUGH?
WHO THAT, DAWG? ROBERT DOWNEYS JUNIORS. ROBERT DOWNEYS JUNIORS,
THOUGH, DAWG? WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE?
TONY STARKS, DAWG. TONY STARKS! YEAH, MAN. TONY STARKS, IRON MANS?
YO. MY MAN BE BUILDING
HIS OWN SUIT AND EVERYTHING?
YUP. AND GETTING ALL WITTY
WITH PEPPER POTTSIES? YUP. YUP. YO, YO, MY MAN'S GOT
A GLOWIN' HEART IN THAT ONE. [IMITATING MECHANICAL
HEARTBEATS] YOU GIVE THAT F**KER
A STATUE FOR THAT ALONE! THAT'S RIGHT THERE, MAN!
WHOO! DEFINITELY, DAWG, YO, BUT YO, ANOTHER THING ABOUT
RD SQUARED REAL QUICK? GO TO IT.
“SHERLOCKY HOLMES.” “SHERLOCKY HOLMESIES.” “SHERLOCKY HOLMES.”
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WHEN SHERLOCKSIES HOLMESIES
WAS IS IN THAT PIT! YEAH.
AND HE WAS FIGHTIN' THAT DUDE.
AND HE FIGHTIN' THAT DUDE. AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN
IN HIS MIND, HE MADE EVERYTHING GO
IN SLOW MOTION. [SPEAKING IN A BRITISH ACCENT]
"I'VE GOT TO DO THIS, AND I GOT TO DO THIS, AND THEN, STATISTICALLY,
I SHOULD DO THIS." AND THEN THE CANE. AND THEN
HE WENT BACK TO REAL-LIFE SPEED, AND HE DID IT. HE WAS LIKE,
[IMITATING FIGHT SOUNDS] WHAT? THAT WAS MY JAM. THAT WAS MY JAM RIGHT THERE.
THAT WAS MY JAM. HE KNEW WHAT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN
USING STATISTICS! YO, AND THEN REMEMBER
THAT ONE SCENE WHERE HE WOKE UP IN HIS
NEIGHBOR'S DAUGHTER'S BED, AND HE WAS ALL ON DRUGS
AND S**T? OH, YEAH!
YO. NO, NO, THAT WAS RD SQUARED IN
REAL LIFE, THOUGH, RIGHT THERE. IT WAS. IT WAS. IT WAS. IT WAS.
THAT WAS REAL LIFE, THOUGH. HE WAS GOOD IN THAT ONE, THOUGH.
HE WAS GOOD. HE WAS GOOD IN THAT ONE.
THAT WAS VERY REALISTIC, YUP. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE IS GOOD,
THOUGH, DAWG? - WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO, WHO?
- VALLY KILMERS. OH, WE TALKIN' 'BOUT
VALLY KILMERS RIGHT NOW. WE TALKING 'BOUT
VALLY KILMERS RIGHT NOW, DAWG. WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE?
WHICH ONE? WHICH ONE? OH, YOU KNOW, VALLY
KILMERS IN “TOMBSTONES.” OH,
WHAT? [IMITATING HOOVES CLOPPING]
WHAT? COME ON, MAN. [IMITATING WHIPPING]
[IMITATING HORSE NEIGHING] THAT'S MY S**T RIGHT THERE.
DOCKY HOLLIDAYS, DAWG? OH MY GOD.
MY MAN'S TALKIN' 'BOUT... "I'LL BE YOUR HUCKLEBERRY." OOH, AND THEY WAS UP
IN THAT O.K. CORRAL. TALKIN' 'BOUT -
OH, THE SHOOT-OUT? IT'S LIKE... [IMITATING GUNSHOTS] - EARPS. EARPS. EARPS. EARPS.
- BUCK. BUCK. OK. OK. OK. OK!
OH, YOU AIN'T OK. HA HA! THAT'S MY JAM RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S MY JAM RIGHT THERE. BUT WHAT ABOUT MY BOY VALLY
KILMERS IN THE “WILLOWS,”
THOUGH? OH. WHAT ABOUT VALLY KILMERS
IN THAT “WILLOWS,” THOUGH,
RIGHT? VALLY KILMERS IN THAT “WILLOWS”"
DAWG, YO! WHEN HE WAS MADMARTIGANS, AND THEY WAS IN
THAT MEDIEVAL TOBOGGAN? TALKIN' 'BOUT, TALKIN' 'BOUT,
TALKIN' 'BOUT... [IMITATING SLEDDING NOISES AND
ADVENTURE MUSIC] WHAT? [IMITATING SWORD FIGHTING
NOISES] AND THE LITTLE LEPRECHAUN,
TALKIN' ABOUT -
“YOU ARE GREAT.” HE WAS MAGICALLY DELICIOUS,
DAWG! MAGICALLY DELICIOUS, DAWG.
THAT WAS MY JAM. OH, BUT WHAT ABOUT
VAL KILMERS IN “THE SAINTS”? OH, VALLY KILMERS IN “THE
SAINT.” VALLY KILMERS IN “THE SAINT,”
THOUGH. WHAT? WHEN MY MAN -
MY MAN WAS LIKE - AND - AND THEN - AND THEN HE -
AND THEN HE WAS LIKE - AND THEN I -
JUST THE COVER LOOKED ENTICING. I DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE. YO, YO, YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M REALIZING RIGHT NOW FOR THE FIRST TIME?
WHAT'S THAT, DAWG? IT'S LIKE, IF THERE WAS
A GRAPH OF RD SQUARE... YEAH, A GRAPH. RIGHT THERE.
AND VALLY KILMERS'S CAREERS... YEAH, YEAH! RD SQUARED WOULD START DOWN
HERE. RIGHT, AND VALLY KILMERS WOULD
BE STARTING RIGHT UP HERE. AND RD SQUARED WOULD GET THIS
TRAJECTORY GOING. RIGHT. AND THEN VALLY KILMERS BE
ON THIS TRAJECTORY RIGHT HERE
LIKE THIS, RIGHT? MAKIN' MOVIES, MAKIN' MOVIES,
THEY JUST MAKIN' MOVIES. MAKIN' MOVIES, MAKIN' MOVIES,
MAKIN' MOVIES. GETTIN' A LITTLE
CRAZY. JUST GETTIN' A LITTLE DRUGS.
JUST GETTIN' A LITTLE BIT OF S - GETTIN' A LITTLE CRAZY. STILL
MAKIN' MOVIES. AND THEN THEY MEET AT THIS
POINT... ...IN THE SAME MOVIE. WHICH IS WHY...THE BEST MOVIE OF
ALL TIME IS... “KISS KISS...
...BANG BANG”! “KISS KISS BANG BANG” IS MY
S***********T! [BLASTOFF NOISE] YO.
WHAT'S UP? “GAME OF THRONES,” THOUGH, DAWG.
YOOO. YOU ALL CAUGHT UP? YO, I TOTALLY BINGE-WATCHED THAT
WHOLE THING LAST NIGHT, DAWG! YO, IT'S COLD-BLOODED UP
IN WESTEROS, DAWG. THEY KILLED MY N****
NED! NED STARKS? [SINGING THE “GAME OF THRONES”
THEME SONG] YOU AIN'T SEE THAT ONE COMING,
DID YOU? OH, F**KIN' HELL NO.
UH-UH! OH MY GOD.
UH-UH. I MEAN, MY MAN WAS
JUST THERE, RIGHT? AND HE'S TALKIN' 'BOUT - HE GOT
DOWN THERE ON THE THING. LIKE, BLIP!
[IMITATING SWORD NOISE] AND THEN I WAS LIKE,
“PSSHH. I AIN'T WORRIED. THEY AIN'T GONNA KILL MY BOY
NED STARKS!” SLIT!
AND THEN PLOP! I WAS LIKE... [SCREAMING] YO, I TOLD YOU, THEY
COLD-BLOODED UP IN THERE! AND THEN I WAS LIKE,
"BUT THAT'S OK, BECAUSE I STILL GOT MY N****
KHAL DROGOS." BIG DAVE NAVARRO?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. BIG DAVE NAVARRO?
WIDDLY-WIDDLY-WIDDLY WIDDLY-WOW! YEAH. THAT DUDE PICKED UP
SOME MOLTEN GOLD, POURED IT ON N****S' HEADS!
[SCREAMING] "I WANT TO SLEEP
WITH MY SISTER!" YO. AND HE KILLED HIM, RIGHT? I MEAN, HE BIG, LIKE HERCULES
AND EVERYTHING. I'M LIKE, YOU CAN'T KILL
KHAL DROGOS WITH A PAPER CUT. AN INFECTED SCRATCH UP ON THERE?
AN INFECTED SCRATCH! BUT HE GOT STRAIGHT...
KILT! YO, BUT YOU KNOW WHO
MY FAVORITE CHARACTER IS, DAWG? WHO'S THAT, DAWG? WHO'S
THAT, DAWG? PSSST. KHALEESIES.
KHALEESI. YOU KNOW I BE LIKIN'
SOME KHALEESIES, DAWG. BUT WHAT ABOUT KHALEESIES
STRAIGHT-UP WITH THEM DRAGONS? OH, IT'S...
KHALEESIES WITH THE DRAGONS. AND KHALEESI'S ALL LIKE THIS.
AND THEN WE TALKIN' 'BOUT... [IMITATING DRAGON SCREECHING] WHOOSH!
JUST STRAIGHT ROASTIN' GOATS! YO! OH MY GOD.
MAN! AND THAT'S WHEN THEY START KILLING CHARACTERS
LEFT AND RIGHT, DAWG! AT THE WEDDING?
YO, AT THE WEDDING! ROBB STARKS.
WHAT? HIS WIFE.
WHAT? THEY GOT HIS MAMA!
YO! KILT! KILT! KILT! KILT! THAT WAS A FOUR-FOR-ONE, DAWG.
FOUR-FOR-ONE UP THERE, DAWG. THAT'S A STRAIGHT
FOUR-FOR-ONE, DAWG.
FOUR-FOR-ONE UP IN THERE. WHAT ABOUT WHEN
THEY GOT WILDLINGS GIRL? TALKING ABOUT...
"YOU KNOW NOTHING, JON SNOW." SCREEK!
GUH! KILT!
WHAT ABOUT THE HOUND, THOUGH? YO!
THE HOUND! "AH, I'M FALLING DOWN THE HILL!" [WAILING] "KILL ME!
YOU'VE GOT TO KILL ME!" "NO!"
KILT! SLOWLY, BY OMISSION.
BINGO. YO, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY MAN
TAIWAN LANNISTERS? TAIWAN LANNISTERS.
TAIWAN LANNISTERS! WHAT ABOUT TAIWAN LANNISTERS,
DAWG? YO, MY MAN TALKIN' 'BOUT,
"I'M TAKING A S**T.” HE'S LIKE...
OW!
KILT! BY HIS OWN SON. WHAT? THE DINKLES. [GASPS] THE DINKLES.
THE DINKLES, THOUGH. THE
DINKLES. THE DINKLES!
THE DINKLES IS MY JAM.
CAN'T NOBODY KILL THE DINKLES! THE DINKLES IS MY JAM, MY JELLY, MY PEANUT BUTTER
AND MY PEANUTS. DINKLES.
THE DINKLES.
DINKLES, THOUGH! DINKLES IS MY
S****************T!
