John Mulaney: “Canceling Plans Is Like Heroin”

thank you for coming to this show by the way I really do appreciate you come and do a thing because you didn't have to and it's really easy not to go to things it is so much easier not to do things than to do them that you would do anything is totally remarkable percentage-wise it is 100 percent easier not to do things than to do that and so much fun not to do them especially when you were supposed to do them in terms of like instant relief cancelling plans is like heroin it is an amazing feeling such instant joy kids don't like that kids always want to do stuff kids get angry they go oh we didn't do anything all day we ever asked an adult what they did over the weekend and they say they didn't do anything their faces light up like what'd you do this weekend I I did nothing people especially don't want to do their jobs I've found that out recently too I have a friend named Megan she's an elementary school teacher and I was out with her one night and she was drinking like a monster and I said to her don't you have to do a shift at school tomorrow and she went I'll just show a video and I was like that's why teachers show videos she said that she going yeah I don't want to work and I was like you know the kids don't want to work either and she was like good I really do I was psyched to do it in New York I'm really happy to live here and was glad that we could do it in New York City and I'm not sure how you all got here tonight but I did want to say this I've never been killed by hitmen so I don't know what it's like in the moments just before you're killed by hitmen but I bet it's not unlike when you're on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing just that brief moment where you're reading and you're like oh guitar player another guitar player no an accordion player hi I was really excited a lot of people showed up they told me that it was a big theater and I thought that no one would come so thank you for coming I wanted to like take ads out in the paper like be you know do something to a tot so I get in the New York Post or something the New York Post is my favorite newspaper I think it's great I read it every day I like reading the New York Post because reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news and now they're trying to give you the gist it's like you get the same amount of information if you grab someone on the street you learn what happened today they're like it's the Bourbon Queen sit back alright thank you or rather it's like someone read a better newspaper and now they're trying to text you everything they can remember doesn't have to be right just has to be short I really do love the post I read it a lot and there's a hierarchy in the New York Post different people that they like and different people that they don't like and if you pay attention you can start to identify some of the New York Post rankings that they have the number one thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel an angel is a child who has died that is the best thing that you can be are the eyes of the New York Post the less amount of time you live the better the eyes of the post after that under an angel is a hero a hero is any man who does his job you know a lot of times see headlines that are like hero Tudor teaches after school and you're like yeah down towards the bottom of the spectrum there are pervs pervs touch tots tots are angels who haven't died yet there are no children in the eyes of the New York Post you're either a tot or you're dead and you're an angel I did leave one out sorry above perv is a bozo a bozo is any man who cheats on his wife that guy's a bozo I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife and it says Tiger says he's sorry but Ellen says beat it bozo no she did not she is from another country and even if she was from this country no one has said bozo in a thousand years who was your source on that New York Post some tiny old lady that changed smokes all day long and met her in a parking garage and they were like match give us the scoop what did Elin say - Tiger - she told him to beat it bozo I'm feeling good tonight though I got a massage recently went to a spa to get a massage I went into the room to get the massage and the woman there told me to undress to my comfort level those were her words she said I'm gonna leave the room you undress to your comfort level so I put on a sweater and a pair of corduroy pants and I felt safe I'm trying to in general take better care of myself I'm trying to stop smoking I've smoked since I was 13 years old I started when I was 13 years old because I stole two cigarettes from my older sister and I hid them in a shoebox under my bed with a copy of Cosmopolitan magazine and one day my mom cleaned under my bed and she found the shoebox I came home from school and my mom was standing there holding it she said hey mister I found your treasure and I never liked the way she phrased that you know cuz that made me sound like the world's lamest pirate like a guy whose treasure chest is to cigarettes on a woman's magazine and my dad came home from work and my mom told my dad that she'd cleaned under my bed and found a shoebox with two cigarettes and a cosmopolitan which prompted my dad to ask how does John know how to make a cosmopolitan I'm trying to eat better I was out to lunch with a friend and I got a chicken sandwich and the waitress said to me oh you're getting a chicken sandwich well that comes with a choice of either salad or fries those are the choices salad or fries the two most different foods in the universe that's like saying what kind of day do you want to have do you want to be active and go to the bathroom yourself do you want to lay on the floor moaning chicken sandwich well with that you can either go for a jog or smoke crack cocaine oh if I gotta play the crack for the table would you have some you'd have crack if I gotta play the crime okay yeah we'll take an order of crack sometimes when people order fries they act like it's a little adventure they were like should we get a plate of fries for the table should we do it should we share some Falls they gotta make sure that everyone's on board with it it's like if I get fries you'll have a couple right if I get fries to the table you I know you'll have fries if I get fries should we do it yeah let's be bad come on let's do it all right we're gonna take a plate of fries it's like a group of couples agreeing to do ecstasy together you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 5,632,174

Keywords: John Mulaney, New in Town, John Mulaney comedian, John Mulaney stand up, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, comedian, comedians, canceling plans, heroin, instant relief, instant joy, plans, responsibilities, jobs, teacher, mariachi, subway, New York Post, headlines, Tiger Woods, news, perv, tots, angels, bozo, massage, smoking, fries, salad, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: quZU_hA4Pr4

Length: 7min 52sec (472 seconds)

Published: Sat Feb 08 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/CameronRoss101]

After the third time in a row postponing his Toronto show, this feels pointed.

[u/nomorerope]

Mulaney is great. I think tied with like 5 other comics for number 1. burr, louis, jeselnik, chappelle.

Nate Barghatze is good too.

I mean the world is filled up with so many shit comedians that waste your time. If I ever did comedy i'd be like fuck man... I would absolute hate to fail or be mediocre. mediocre is worse than failing.

Mulaney is so damn good.