The Time John Mulaney Accidentally Got a Prostate Exam

- anxious for a lot of things I get very nervous all the time not even about like major life things just like about in everyday situations like this is my regular speaking voice but if I'm in a public bathroom and someone knocks - suddenly on the stall door I go into a whole different speaking voice which is someone's in here someone's in here so if they're gonna be like I think there's a carnival barker in there I think someone's trying to drum up business for a carnival I decided to do something about all this anxiety recently I decided I was gonna try and get a xanax prescription I don't know if anyone here has ever tried xanax but it's fantastic very muted claps for xanax you don't really get rused it's more like yeah I didn't know how to get his an ex prescription no drugs like that are tricky sometimes but I talked to a friend of mine and he said hey I did this he said that he had a regular doctor's appointment and at the end of it he said to his doctor hey doctor sometimes I get nervous on airplanes and the doctor just wrote him a xanax prescription and I was like yeah that's the type of low brow I'm looking for I'll take your advice friend I've never listened to before so I go to a clinic and I go in and I'm just gonna go in for you know a regular type of checkup and at the end I'll ask about xanax so I get to the front desk and they have a why are you here sheet and I want to pick something that will get me in and out really quickly and I look down and I see frequent urination and I was like perfect that'll be a super quick visit you know I'll just be like hey sometimes I pee a lot and the doctor will be like me too crazy right and I'll be like I get nervous on airplanes so I checked off frequent urination and I sat down in the waiting area and I waited for three hours I finally go back to the observation room and oh in the observation room there was a male nurse standing there and he has a Batman sticker on his stethoscope a Batman necklace and a Batman watch he was kind of moving around the whole time you know he was just like all right I am too blessed to be stressed let's do it what are you allergic to besides work and then he takes something and he throw it over his shoulder and be like beats working like all of his jokes were very anti work which is not always what you want from a healthcare professional the doctor comes in the room and the doctor looks at my chart and he says oh you're here for frequent urination how many times a day are you urinating and I tried to think of a number that would warrant a doctor visit so I said 11 that was too many times to say the doctor looks at me says you're being 11 times a day then you may have something wrong with your prostate so what we need to do some of you are ahead of me so I don't know exactly how he phrased it but the gist of it was hey if this visit is to continue I'm going to stick part of my hand up your ass and I didn't know what to say because I couldn't be like no that's okay I was lying it was a lie to get drugs you know like a crime so what I did was I pulled down my pants and I walked over to the observation table and I put my hands down on the observation table like this and by the way part of me was like whatever you know you know those days when you're like this might as well happen adult life is already so goddamn weird so I'm bent over like this on the table and the doctor comes up behind me goes no no no not on your hands on your elbows and he knocks me down like that and this is so much worse than this I don't know why I think it's that this has like a little remaining dignity to it you know what I mean this is sort of like go stick it in I am an American this is like you're leaning over the edge of a cruise ship and you're like ah we are approaching Martinique we knocked me down to my elbows and then he stuck his hand in and you know how sometimes you're like I bet I know what most things feel like you know you just think you'll know I did not know what this was gonna feel like and this was the actual sound I made I went but I didn't say it like it came from my vocal cords but it was totally involuntary It was as if a ghost had been trapped in my belly and finally flew out towards the light and then when he pulled his hand out we've gotten to know each other pretty well so I will phrase this as delicately as I can I did not realize that when the doctor pulls his hand out it feels like cause the only thing that's ever come out of your butt before has been he pulls his hand out and I thought that I was into his hand so I yelled I'm sorry this is a very routine procedure by the way for most doctors and so far he's had to deal with oh I'm sorry and he didn't even let me off the hook you know he wasn't like I don't worry you didn't into my hand he just threw his glove away and was like ah and that's about to ask about xanax but then he said alright your prostates fine but we still need to do a blood test so I pulled up my pants and shuffled away feeling different and he yells out into the hall he goes hey we're doing a blood test get in here and Batman dances back in and he's like all right we're gonna do a blood test you look different let's do it the doctor left the room so I'm alone with Batman I just need this blood test to be over okay but first I had to tell Batman saying I said Batman look I'm one of those people who when you take blood from me sometimes I can faint and I was in the waiting area for three hours and I haven't eaten all day and I'm really worried I'm gonna faint and Batman said to me and I'll never forget it Shh you're not gonna faint so I stick my arm out Batman puts the needle in I immediately collapse on the ground I wake up and I am covered in sweat lying on the observation table I wake up I opened my eyes and I see Batman's face he's looking at me he goes you got a go and I said can I please talk to the doctors no first because sometimes I get nervous on airplanes and Batman said the doctors gone so I got my stuff and I left the moral of the story is that if you've been nervous your entire life you should ask your doctor about xanax because if you lied to him he will stick his finger in your ass and if you do suffer from frequent urination keep it to yourself I went to that clinic two years later for a different checkup and as I was leaving who did I run into but Batman and he smiled at me and he was wearing reading glasses to show that time had passed you

Channel: Comedy Central Stand-Up

Views: 6,533,432

Keywords: John Mulaney, New in Town, John Mulaney comedian, John Mulaney stand up, John Mulaney New in Town, stand up comedy, comedy central stand up, comedy, anxiety, nervous, Xanax, prescription, drugs, airplanes, doctor, doctor’s appointment, frequent urination, prostate exam, poop, shit, I’m sorry, blood, fainting, glasses, funny, funny video, comedy videos, jokes, funny jokes, funny clips, laugh, humor, best comedy, best stand up

Id: BNlyZSvsNjw

Length: 8min 42sec (522 seconds)

Published: Sat May 25 2019