Cecily Strong complete remarks at 2015 White House Correspondents' Dinner (C-SPAN)

okay feels right to have a woman follow President Obama doesn't good evening I'm Cecily strong you may know me from Saturday Night Live or as the ethnically ambiguous girl from every college brochure I'm sort of a mash up of all the people in Hillary Clinton's announcement video I'm also the first straight woman to host this in 20 years so we finally made it straight people wear my heterosexuals n huh no you're mine oh no no I do need to say something here just because I'm a woman doesn't mean I'm gonna go easy on you people I'm gonna go easy on you people because my brain is smaller I feel very lucky to be here last year's host Joel McHale proves that speaking at this dinner is an amazing opportunity that can take you from starring in a show on NBC all the way to starring in that same show but on Yahoo I took Amtrak here it was way more luxurious than I thought did you know that they have massage seats available on those chains all you need to do is sit in front of Joe Biden those hands don't get tired somehow I hope everyone enjoyed dinner we tried to get memories Pizza to cater this event but they heard a rumor Barney Frank might be here so thanks a lot Barney we could have had that world-famous Indiana pizza I can make that joke about Indiana because I'm from Illinois the White House Correspondents Dinner is a chance for all of you to unwind relax and laugh as soon as you notice someone slightly more powerful than you is laughing this are weird to be up here and okay I promise since I'm only a comedian I'm not going to try to tell you politicians how to do politics or whatever that's not my job that'd be like you guys telling me what to do with my body I mean can you even imagine now tonight's event is being broadcast on c-span so to some viewers watching at home on c-span hello but to most viewers watching at home on c-span meow now if you don't know how to find c-span you just press the Guide button on your remote and then hit page up until your thumb cramps up Pacey's man I just want to do a camera check real quick okay camera 1 and that's it that's all the cameras it is great to be here at the Washington Hilton is something a prostitute might say to a congressman the Washington Hilton you guys man if these walls could talk they'd probably say clean me you know it's crazy to think that our president is right here in the ballroom of a Washington Hilton and it's even crazier to think that our vice president is right now in the ball pit of a Washington chuck-e-cheese but seriously the Washington Hilton is great and I bet that when the president walked in and saw those bellhops he thought finally some decent security no it's okay I'm just kidding no cuz let's give it up for the Secret Service yeah how to be too hard on those guys you know because they're the only law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot are you saying boo or are you saying true tonight brings together so many different ways of delivering the news but you're all in this together from the network's at the front to the internet and cable in the back all the way to the incredible print journalists who are bussing the tables MSNBC is here I love MSNBC you know even their call letters are long-winded just just a great variety of shows Rachel Maddow lock up a broad lock up Raw lock up SUV and lock up on espanol like a bloopers MSNBC shows so many prison documentaries they're making edge Schultz get a teardrop tattoo Fox News is here now Fox News has been losing a lot of viewers lately and may they rest in peace that's nice to say that channel is all hot blonde ladies and old dudes you know every show on Fox News looks like a party scene from weekend at Bernie's and you've got to give it up for CNN you know it's just comforting to know that whenever a big story breaks I can turn to CNN and watch Anthony Bourdain eat a cricket Huffington Post is here hey way to go on that partnership with AOL everyone in my chatroom won't stop talking about it BuzzFeed is here but I can show you a listicle of 17 reasons why they shouldn't be you guys don't forget USA Today is here of course they're only here because they were slipped under the hotel door now that's USA Today unless today is Saturday or Sunday NPR's here yeah they're ready to front NPR had a lot of success with Sarah Koenig serial podcast which finally answered the question what would it be like if somebody gently whispered an episode of Dateline and Sarah I'm so sorry you weren't able to get your plus one out of jail in time Sarah Koenig must be so pissed about the jinx it's cereal but with an ending hey Sarah next season pick someone who definitely did it like Amanda Knox there's DNA on the knife you guys NBC is here you know even us at SNL got criticized this year for making fun of Isis now I think that's unfair I mean if anyone is guilty of taking Isis too lightly it's um you know oh and what can I say about Brian Williams nothing because I work for NBC oh there are so many stars from so many great shows here we are really in a golden age of television you know but I have to say I still see so many negative portrayals of black and gay people out there I mean it's 2015 and we still have TV characters like Don Lemon it's ridiculous the cast of ABC's blackish is here which i think is very inappropriate after the way they treated those whales at SeaWorld some of the cast of the epic fantasy series Game of Thrones is here and they told me that even they have never seen this many nerds before Naomi Campbell's here now Naomi you're lucky Hillary Clinton is not here because if you threw your blackberry at her she would just delete everything right off of it Hillary Clinton said that she used her private email because she didn't want to use more than two devices now if that sounds familiar it's because it's also one of the rules from the sex contract in Fifty Shades of Grey some of the cats of Downton Abbey is here thanks to a generous donation from the constituents of Aaron Schock now now speaking of Aaron Schock and you might notice I'm a little tan I just got back from the most fabulous trip that Aaron took me on and I brought my Instagram photos to share with you so so you're probably familiar now with this picture of shock surfing in Hawaii but we just widen out a little yeah see there's me by the end I didn't even need to serve for it I just use Aaron's ABS then we went diving into this cool swimming pool he had built it hurt when I landed oh and here's a me and Aaron skydiving Aaron said he made his own parachute out of some gifts his constituents gave him that's so sweet oh and here we are at the Eiffel Tower in Paris Paris is so beautiful mr. president you should really think about going there sometime I hear the weather's nice in January now here we are in our trip to California we must have done this for hours and hours just so much wasted water fun here we are at Aron shacks own dinosaur island here we are after hunting the dinosaurs but wingless is that Brian Williams we were there doing rascal oh man Erin and I we just had so much fun and no I know what you're thinking but it was not romantic it was strictly a friendship trip he reminded me every day that's for those couple you but just because Aaron Schock resigned doesn't mean that there are not any smoking-hot congressman left I mean looking out tonight I see so many tens well Washington tens so New York fours Indiana 30s Senate Minority Leader Harry Reid is retiring after serving more than 30 years in Congress now law people don't know this Harry Reid was a boxer before he spent five terms as a punching bag know one of my favorite things that happen in Congress this year was when Senator Jim Inhofe brought in a snowball to prove that climate change isn't real I mean that blew my mind I didn't even need to see the other science projects first prize Jim Jay you brought science to life man so coool Senator Tom cotton got 47 other senators to sign an open letter he wrote to Iran and I guess the most surprising thing is that a guy named Tom cotton is a u.s. senator and not a rabbit from an old racist Disney cartoon Oh oh please Berber don't throw old Tom cotton into by bugs good answer now in Tom Cotton's defense he was just trying to repair America's strained relationship with Israel but you know he doesn't need to worry about that our relationship will be better in the next administration just as soon as Israel makes a generous donation to the Clinton Foundation now it's been a great year for women as always this year representative from Hobby Lobby said they didn't want to pay for employees health care if it covered things like contraceptives which is weird because all I asked him was what aisle is the yarn in actually the I do love Hobby Lobby I went there this morning and I just bought the cutest little wicker basket to hold on my morning-after pills Idaho Representative veto Barbieri recently asked if gynecological exams could be conducted by a woman swallowing a camera but they can't and now Vito and his wife have ruined a perfectly good GoPro President Obama came out and support for putting women on money as opposed to the DEA agents who prefer to put money on women so much to talk about this year but of course the big story the Republicans finally succeeded and Obama is being forced out of office in 18 months you did it and there are so many great people have already announced they're running for president Slyke who should I even vote for Hillary there's Marco Rubio it's like who's better than Marco Rubio Hillary and is Rand Paul I mean who's more knowledgeable about foreign policy than Rand Paul Hillary and of course there's Hillary I mean who's better on the economy than Hillary Bill Hillary's campaign slogan is it's your time which I assume is what she says into a mirror while she's dead lifting 200 pounds I'm excited about Hillary running though I'm not sure she's excited about having to run I think she feels the same way Meryl Streep feels when she's asked to audition for something are you kidding me making it go through that I mean you know I'm going to win all right guys now this next part is a repeat after me so I need your help here I want all the media to put their hands up and swear something this election season okay I solemnly swear not to talk about Hillary's appearance because that is not journalism also Cecily strong looks great tonight now I don't want you to take any of this as an endorsement for Hillary Clinton because I would never blindly endorse a candidate I don't play on SNL Hillary Clinton as her work cut out for her her Democratic challengers are a who's who of who's that Jim Webb Lincoln Chaffee Silas Phelps Peter Wilks now those last two were characters from The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn you didn't even notice did you how about that and let's not forget martin O'Malley I don't have anything to add that's just his actual campaign slogan let's not forget martin O'Malley lady Shea is considering entering the race lincoln chafee thinking he can be President is like watching a dog look for its dead owner like oh he doesn't know a lot of people want Elizabeth Warren to run for president but many thinks she's too idealistic and her proposed policies are too liberal but look at President Obama I mean people thought the same thing about him he didn't end up doing any of that stuff now the Republican field is ideologically diverse including people like Ted Cruz who is a tea partier and Rand Paul who's a libertarian and even people like chris Christie who's a Democrat Jeb Bush is probably in the race the presidential race not the Hispanic race that was just an accident and by the way Jeb is actually an acronym for John Ellis Bush I guess he thought that sounded too elitist so he way over compensated it's kind of like if benedict cumberbatch decided to go by Skeeter Marco Rubio is running for president when Jeb Bush found out he said I do Smeal michael rubio makes mit romney seem relaxed on the air I just hope Marco gets comfortable in front of a camera before he has to go on TV to endorse Jeb that one Chris Christie has said that if he's elected president he would crack down on States who have legalized marijuana because he believes marijuana is a gateway drug so like a bridge to other drugs and he wants to shut down that bridge oh no I'm just checking new poll shows that Chris Christie's approval ratings in New Jersey are at an all-time low in fact the only thing New Jerseyans approve of less is quote that the minikin guy would state new system Ted Cruz it's like the right-wing thought what's the exact opposite of a black president how about a Canadian Latino who'll never be President not true he was born in Canada a child of Cuban immigrants I kinda can't believe he wasn't in Hilary's announcement video Carly Fiorina is considering running for president seems like a lot of work just to be a Fox News pundit Rand Paul has announced that he's taking over the family's not being president business and yes that's Rand as in he didn't get elected but at least here and now Paul's the libertarian which if you're unfamiliar a libertarian is just a Republican that you have to block on Twitter Rand Paul's campaign slogan is defeat the Washington machine unleash the American dream the American dream of course is the model name of Rand Paul's wig well enough talk about 2016 let's talk about the most important person in the room my leader the person I'm so glad it's in the White House Michelle Obama i'ma show you take care of that garden while you can because in 18 months you know Bill is turning that thing in turn above-ground pool but seriously Michelle Obama what an amazing woman a harvard-educated lawyer a fierce advocate for LGBT rights and the founder of the let's move campaign to combat childhood obesity it is a dream to sit next to you but it's a nightmare to eat next to you actually I have a confession um you know when I got up to go the bathroom for like 20 minutes I had a cheese pizza behind the toilet in there and I ate it and of course mr. president thank you so much for taking time away from being on Jimmy Kimmel to be here it's amazing to be seated with the president having this fancy dinner and I know this must have cost a ton of food stamps so thank you I think say that you know because a lot of you probably don't know this but President Obama and I actually grew up together in Chicago I remember when we used to go down to the Cabrini Green basketball courts I'd lace up a pair of Jordans he'd slip on a pair of my mom's jeans and we would just miss 3-pointers until sundown when of course we'd have to stop and pray to Mecca but those were simpler times now you got problems with Congress with Putin with Israel you said it yourself we can't solve these problems by holding hands and singing Kumbaya kumbaya of course is the village in Africa where the president was born my saying right kumbaya thing after six years in office your approval rating is that 48 percent not only bad your gray hair is that eighty five percent your hair is so white now it can talk back to the police well high-five about that lady President Obama I bet you wish you're coming into office in 2016 instead of 2008 probably should have let Hillary fix the economy for the last eight years then it could be you running away from her successful presidency you know mr. president you probably get this a lot but you're a lot like Madonna you've both given this country so much but in like a year and a half you got a staff mr. president it was a true honor to be here tonight and thank you to the White House Correspondents Association whatever that is but I did I have to finish that because the exterminators need to get into this room I've got a bathroom pizza to finish so thank you so much good

Channel: C-SPAN

Views: 3,209,850

Keywords: White House (Museum), White House Correspondents' Association (Nonprofit Organization), Cecily Strong (TV Personality), C-SPAN (TV Network)

Id: uH5XAeKdrjM

Length: 22min 43sec (1363 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 25 2015

Reddit Comments

[u/Andre_iC]

Buzzfeed is here tonight. But I can give you a list of 17 reasons why they shouldn't.

Niiiiice!

[u/Chouonsoku]

"Give it up for the secret service, they're the only law enforcement agency in the country that will get in trouble if a black man gets shot."

Holy shit.

[u/palookaboy]

Makes me wish she was manning the Update desk