Michelle Wolf's White House Correspondents' Dinner Speech (Full) | NBC News

all right this is long this has been long yeah good evening and good evening here we are the White House Correspondents Dinner like a porn star says when she's about to have sex with the Trump let's get this over with yeah this is you're getting tonight I'm gonna skip it a lot of the normal pleasantries we're at a Hilton it's not nice this is on c-span no one watches that Trump is president it's not ideal the White House Court the spine Association thank you for having me the monkfish was fine hey just a reminder to everyone I'm here to make jokes I have no agenda I'm not trying to get anything accomplished so everyone that's here from Congress you should feel right at home now before we get too far a little bit about me a lot of you might not know who I am I'm 32 years old which is an odd age ten years too young to host this event in 20 years too old for Roy Moore I know he almost got elected yeah it was fun it was fun honestly I never really thought I'd be a comedian but I did take an aptitude test in seventh grade and this is a hundred percent true I took an aptitude test in seventh grade and it said my best profession was a clown for a mine and heard my voice and was like or maybe mime and I know as much as some of you might want me to its 2018 and I am a woman so you cannot shut me up unless you have Michael Cohen wire me a hundred and thirty thousand dollars Michael you can find me on venmo under my porn star name Reince Priebus Brian's just gave a thumbs up okay now people are saying America is more divided and than ever but I think no matter what you support politically we can all agree that this is a great time for craft stores because of all the pros because of all the protest poster board has been flying off the shelves faster than Robert Mueller can say you've been subpoenaed thanks to trump pink yarn sales are through the roof after Trump got elected women started knitting those puss hats when I first saw them I was like that's a baby I guess mine just has a lot more yarn on it yeah should have done more research before you got me to do this now there is a lot to cover tonight there's a lot to go over I can't get to everything I know there's a lot of people that want me to talk about Russia and Putin and collusion but I'm not gonna do that because there's also a lot of liberal media here and I've never really wanted to know what any of you look like when you orgasm I bet it's something like this okay that's all the time we have [Applause] it is crazy that the Trump campaign was in contact with Russia when the Hillary campaign wasn't even in contact with Michigan of course Trump is in here if you haven't noticed she's not here and I know I know I would drag him here myself but it turns out the President of the United States is the one you're not allowed to grab now I know people really want me to go after Trump tonight but I think we should give the president credit when he deserves it like he pulled out of the Paris agreement and I think he should get credit for that because he said he was gonna pull out and then he did and that's a refreshing quality and demand most men are like I forgot I'll get you next time oh there's gonna be a next time when people say romance is dead people called Trump rings all the time and look I could call Trump a racist or a misogynist or xenophobic or unstable or incompetent or impotent but he's heard all of those and he doesn't care so tonight I'm gonna try to make fun of the president in a new way in a way that I think will really get them mr. president I don't think you're very rich like I think you might be rich in Idaho but in New York you're doing fine Trump is the only person that still watches Who Wants to Be a Millionaire and things me although I'm not sure you'd get very far he kept it like the third question and be like I have to phone a Fox and friend we didn't try a fun new thing okay I'm gonna say Trump is so broke and you guys go how broke is he alright Trump is so broke yes the fly failed business class Travis uh bro he looked for foreign oil and Don Jr's hair Trump is so proud he the Southwest used him as one of their engines I know it's so soon it's so soon for that joke why did she tell it it's so soon Trump is so broke he had to borrow money from the Russians and now he's compromised and not susceptible to blackmail and possibly responsible for collapse of the Republic yay it's a fun game Trump is racist though he loves white nationalists which is a weird term for a Nazi calling a Nazi a white nationalist is like calling a pedophile a kid friend for Harvey Weinstein a ladies man which isn't really fair and he also likes plan trucks also an idea guy he's got loads of ideas you gotta love him for that he wants to give teachers guns and I support that because then they can sell them for things they need like supplies tractors a lot of people want Trump to be impeached I do not because just when you think Trump is awful you remember Mike Pence my pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn't gay my is the kind of guy that brushes his teeth and then drinks orange juice and things mmm Mike Pence is also very anti choice he thinks abortion is murder which first of all don't knock it till you try it and when you do try it really knock it you know you gotta get that baby out of there and yeah sure you can groan all you won I know a lot of you are very anti-abortion you know unless it's the one you got for your secret mistress find out values can waver but good for you my guess is a weirder though he's a weird little guy he might he won't meet with other women without his wife present when people first heard this they were like that's crazy but now in this current climate they're like that's a good witness where Jeff Morris brings me to the me to movement it's probably the reason I'm here they were like a woman's probably not gonna jerk off in front of anyone right and to that I say don't count your chickens on a party now I've worked in a lot of male-dominated fields before comedy I worked at a tech company and before that I worked on Wall Street and honestly I've never really been sexually harassed that being said I did work at Bear Stearns in 2008 so although I haven't been sexually harassed I've definitely been yeah that whole company went down on me without my consent and no man got in trouble for that one either no things are changing men are being held accountable you know Al Franken was ousted that one really hurt liberals but I believe it was the great Ted Kennedy who said wow that's crazy I murdered a woman Chappaquiddick in theaters now I did have a lot of jokes I had a lot of jokes about cabinet members but I had to scrap all of those because everyone has been fired you guys are going through cabinet members quicker than Starbucks throws out black people don't worry they have they're having an afternoon that'll solve it we just needed an afternoon Mitch McConnell isn't here tonight he had a prior engagement he's finally getting his neck circumcised Mazal paul ryan also couldn't make it of course he's already been circumcised unfortunately why they were down there they also took his balls yeah bye Paul great acting though in that video Republicans are easy to make fun of you know it's like shooting fish in a Chris Christie but I also want to make fun of Democrats Democrats are harder to make fun of because you guys don't do anything people that you might flip the House and Senate this November but you guys always find a way to mess it up you're somehow going to lose by 12 points to a guy named Jeff pedophile Nazi doctor oh he's a doctor we should definitely talk about the women in the Trump administration there's Kellyanne Conway man she has the perfect last name for what she does Conway it's like if my name was Michele jokes frizzy hair small tips you guys gotta stop putting Kellyanne on your shows all she does is lie if you don't give her a platform she has nowhere to lie it's like that old saying if a tree falls in the woods how do we get Kelly in under that tree I'm not suggesting she gets hurt just stuck in a tree incidentally a tree falls in the woods is Scott Pruitt's definition of porn yeah we all have our kinks there's also a course of vodka she was supposed to be an advocate for women but it turns out she's about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons she's done nothing to satisfy women so I guess like father like daughter oh you don't think he's good in bed come on she don't clean up nice though Ivanka cleans up nice she's the diaper genie of the administration on the outside she looks sleek but the inside its duffel and of course we have Sarah Huckabee Sanders we are graced with Sarah's presence tonight I have to say I'm a little star-struck I love you as aunt Lydia on The Handmaid's Tale my pants if you haven't seen it you would love it every time Sara steps up to the podium I get excited because I'm not really sure what we're gonna get you know a press briefing a bunch of lies or divided into softball teams it shirts and skins and this time don't be such a lump Jim Acosta I actually really like Sarah I think she's very resourceful like she burns fats and then she uses that ash to create a perfect smoky eye like maybe she's born with it maybe it's lies it's probably life and I'm never really sure what to call Sarah Huckabee Sanders you know is it Sarah Sanders is it Sarah Huckabee Sanders is it cousin Huckabee is it anti Huckabee Sanders like what's Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women Oh Coulter we've got our friends at CNN here welcome guys it's great to have you you guys love breaking news and you did it you broke it good work the most useful information on CNN is when Anthony Bourdain tells me where to eat noodles Fox News is here so you know what that means ladies come on your drinks seriously people want me to make fun of Sean Hannity tonight but I cannot do that this June of dinners for journalists we've got MSNBC here MSNBC's new slogan is this is who we are guys it's not a good slogan this is here's what your mom thinks the sad show on NBC is called did you watch this is who we are this week someone left on a crock-pot and everyone died i watch Morning Joe every morning we now know that Mika and Joe are engaged congratulations you guys it's like what a me two works out we are the Rachel Maddow we cannot forget about Rachel Maddow she's the Peter Pan of MSNBC but instead of never growing up she never gets to the point watching Rachel Maddow is like going to target you went in from milk but you left with shampoo candles in the entire history of the Byzantine Empire and of course megyn kelly what would I do without megyn kelly you know probably be more proud of women megyn kelly got paid 23 million dollars by NBC than NBC didn't let Megan go to the Winter Olympics why not she's so white cold and expensive she might as well be the Winter Olympics by the way Megan Santa's black the weird old guy gone through your chimney was Bill O'Reilly you might want to put a flue on it or something there's a lot of print media here there's a ton of you guys but I'm not gonna go after print media tonight because it's illegal to attack an endangered species bank papers there's a ton of news right now a lot is going on and we have all these 24-hour news networks and we could be covering everything but instead we're covering like three topics every hour it's Trump Russia Hillary and a panel of four people that remind you why you don't go home for Thanksgiving milk comes from nuts now all because of the gays you guys are obsessed with Trump did you used to date him because you pretend like you hate him but I think you love him I think what no one in this room wants to admit is that Trump has helped all of you he couldn't sell steaks or vodka or water or college or ties or Eric but he has helped you he's helped you sell your papers and your books and your TV you helped create this monster and now you're profiting off of him and if you're gonna profit off a Trump you should at least give him some money because he doesn't have any Trump is so broke because you think there might be loose change in them was brought here by his parents and didn't do anything wrong I gotta get get here the night water [Applause] hey NBC News viewers thanks for checking out our YouTube channel subscribe by clicking on that button down here and click on any of the videos over here to watch the latest interviews show highlights and digital exclusives thanks for watching

Channel: NBC News

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Keywords: NBC, NBC News, Breaking News, US News, World News, Politics News, Current Events, Top Stories, michelle wolf sarah sanders, michelle wolf, michelle wolf complete remarks, michelle wolf stand up, michelle wolf reaction, michelle wolf whcd, michelle wolf white house correspondents dinner, white house correspondents dinner, white house correspondents dinner mcihelle wolf, donald trump, whcd, sarah huckabee sanders, white house correspondents' dinner, michelle wolf jokes

Id: CeEiq_C6j3c

Length: 19min 31sec (1171 seconds)

Published: Mon Apr 30 2018